Two men are having a conversation:
- I’ve been married three times but all three wives passed away.
- Really? How did that happen?
- My first wife died after eating poisonous mushrooms...
- No kidding? And the second?
- She too passed away after eating poisonous mushrooms.
- Unbelievable! And the third?
- My third wife died from a skull fracture.
- Really? How did this happen?
- She refused to eat the mushrooms!!!
My Nan had an amazing way with words. I remember I rang her up when my Granddad had gone in this home – very sad. I said how is he getting on in this home? She said ‘oh he’s like a fish out of water’, I said ‘is he finding it hard to adjust?’ She said ‘no he’s dead’
I pass by this ancient mailbox every day on my way to work. The old rusty box is nailed to an oak that has to be 150 years old.
After 3 years of passing it by I decided to open the box to see if anything was inside. After all, there isn’t even a house nearby to which it could possibly serve anyway. Any home it serviced was long ago torn down I’m sure.
I noticed an ancient letter inside as you can see in picture #2. I looked at the post mark date and it said July 7, 1903. Due to age and moisture the addressee on the envelope was not readable, so I opened up the envelope hoping to find some local history and a good story I could share with you.
Here is what the letter inside said. “We have been trying to reach you about your cars extended warranty.”
I was entering a shopping center parking lot that had a stop sign at the end of a 100+ yard driveway. The car in front of me hesitated while a car crossed from right to left.
A Karen had pulled up behind me and honked trying to get me to move. Of course I couldn’t move with a car in front me. I didn’t shoot the bird or do anything else that would anger her. But she followed me to my parking spot just so she could yell at me.
“Why didn’t you go?”
“Uh? There was a car in front of me?”
“No there wasn’t! You’re a liar! I want your driver’s license right now!”
Realizing that I was never going to win this argument, I stepped away and loudly said “Lady, I’m not going to have sex with you right here in the parking lot!”
She drove away quite quickly.
Oh to be skinny or fat.
To be fat means eating excessive calories. That is expensive.
To be skinny means eating healthy. Much the same amount of food but costs more.
Looking at my budget I going to be 210 pounds.
After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to the local grocery store. Unfortunately, like most men; I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse. Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter, from the local store manager:
Dear Mrs. Harris:
Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion, in our store.
We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to, ban both of you from the store.
Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Harris, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras:
1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.
2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.
4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money. We don't have a Code 3.
5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.
6. August 14: Moved a, 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.
8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called.
9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.
10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.
11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while, loudly humming the, 'Mission Impossible' theme.
12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his, 'Madonna Look' using different sizes of funnels.
13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'
14. October 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed;
'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'
15. Took a box of condoms to the checkout clerk and asked where is the fitting room?
And last, but not least:
16. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile; then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.' One of the clerks passed out.