As a far woman, I despise the thought of being a fetish. Most men walk around and just let their member do the thinking without any concern for the person behind the object of their desire. There is a real person housed within my shrine. Everyone has their ideal of romantic perfection. I've meant a man who wanted to sway me into vegetarianism. One wanted me to pursue weightlifting. Another wanted me to wear pantyhose whenever I was around him. I wasn't I terested in any of those things. Nevertheless, I'm game for trying new things. One day the lightbulb started to flicker. Whenever a man starts to make request of me for what he thinks I should be to make "us" happier, become his living fantasy, I come up with my list of request. My request are only based on whatever it is that he obviously lacks. Guess what, without hesitation they say NO. Then I let them have it. I dump on them about their thoughtless request. Then i venture into truth. When a man does that sort of stuff, he doesn't really like me. It's all about him. I don't allow myself to be an uncompensated character in anyones fantasy.
The Reality Of Dating An SSBBW
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BigElectricKat
Moderator
I've been dancing around this topic for years. People have actually gotten offended when I say certain things about how they wish to be perceived/desired. I don't bother with it anymore because I've come to the conclusion that everyone deserves to be treated how they want to be. But I completely get your drift @jrose123 .
So, for example, if he requested you to wear a certain article of clothing in which he thinks you would look smashing, you emasculate him for asking? I mean how far do you go here?
How is what she said emasculating him? Did you understand the point she was making?
Sounded to me like any requests that are perceived as intending to suggest some sort of change would be met with harsh rebuttal and anger.
We all have visions of what our perfect partner should be. For some of us, those changes are unreasonable, and we are not willing to entertain the idea. For example, turning into a powerlifter, as the poster mentioned. Other changes seem minor, such as the suggestion of wearing a certain article of clothing.
Assuming two reasonable adults are involved, I don't see why a rational discourse cannot take place, rather than tearing down the other person. Isn't there already enough anger and opposition to other viewpoints present in the world today?
BigElectricKat
Moderator
I think the idea is "like me for who I am, the way I am" as opposed to the way someone thinks they should be. Just my guess. I get it. Why does someone need to mold another person into the vision of their fantasy?
I get that, too. I just wish people could put across that viewpoint without all the angry intolerance and devaluation that goes on so often. As I said above, there is already enough angry intolerance in the world today. We can get across our viewpoints without tearing people down or, "letting them have it."
BigElectricKat
Moderator
Plus, people should probably vet their potential paramours a little better.
Yeah, that probably goes for all of us lol.
How is that emasculating???
When the vegetarian nazi kept forcing rabbit food on me, I wasn't fat shamed into compliance. I simply made the request to staff that our receipts would be separate tickets. Then I proceeded to order what I wanted to eat. Now, it made him ashamed of bullying me, but he brought that upon himself. He may have felt less than a man, but I am always a grown ass woman, a fat one at that. Respect the obvious. I don't look like beans and rice missed me, nor am I a rabbit. Why take a BBW to dinner and dictate what she eats? Doesn't that seem humiliating. Now, if you want some buxom, curvaceous BBW to wear a certain article of clothes...you compliment, you make the suggestion of how her body would do the rag justice because she is so exquisite. But, if you are making demands by telling her what to wear, how to dress. BBW clothing is costly. Even with cost everything isnt flattering. In my experience, most men have a laundry list of things they want like that's my role in getting to know each other. What about what the BBW wants?
When the vegetarian nazi kept forcing rabbit food on me, I wasn't fat shamed into compliance. I simply made the request to staff that our receipts would be separate tickets. Then I proceeded to order what I wanted to eat. Now, it made him ashamed of bullying me, but he brought that upon himself. He may have felt less than a man, but I am always a grown ass woman, a fat one at that. Respect the obvious. I don't look like beans and rice missed me, nor am I a rabbit. Why take a BBW to dinner and dictate what she eats? Doesn't that seem humiliating. Now, if you want some buxom, curvaceous BBW to wear a certain article of clothes...you compliment, you make the suggestion of how her body would do the rag justice because she is so exquisite. But, if you are making demands by telling her what to wear, how to dress. BBW clothing is costly. Even with cost everything isnt flattering. In my experience, most men have a laundry list of things they want like that's my role in getting to know each other. What about what the BBW wants?
All I can ssay is you're definitely hanging out with the wrong crowd.
Your original post made it sound like you did your best to tear them down if they dared make any requests at all. Perhaps I read it wrong, but to me it positively dripped with anger and disgust. I hope I did read it wrong though.
BigElectricKat
Moderator
I can see where this is going...
FWIW I didn't get that from the original comment at all. There's a huge difference between a guy stating his preferences and wanting to control a woman and she was definitely talking about the latter.
mathfa
Well-Known Member
I feel like for sure there was anger in the original post, especially given it being unprompted by the thread of conversation, but is that necessarily a bad thing? This should be a safe place for people to vent and discuss difficult things. The poster probably has just had some really bad luck with partners in the past and feels negatively about the experience.
That said, I do believe that "most men think with their member and don't care about the person" is probably not the most tolerant mindset to be in.
That said, I do believe that "most men think with their member and don't care about the person" is probably not the most tolerant mindset to be in.
i am going to respectfully disagree. @jrose123 opened with a comment about refusing to be someone’s fetish. That set the context for everything that followed. And I don’t think that’s unreasonable. Even here on Dims it doesn’t take too much reading to see that some of the guys who post here fetishize the women they prefer. It’s almost like they actually only like a body or a feature but forget there’s an actual person there who has a mind, emotions, feelings, and preferences of her own.
Her post seemed to cite actual experiences too. I think that’s fair. I think anytime you start asking someone to be something she’s not it’s not unreasonable to start getting those requests in return.
this is why I’d never ask a person to gain or lose weight for me. Obviously in a committed relationship there does need to be compromise and willingness to make adjustments for the other person. That that goes both ways every time on every issue. And how one goes about addressing the need for an adjustment/compromise can make or break the discussion.
TheShannan
🐽🍪❤️💍🤰
Wonderfully said
BigElectricKat
Moderator
I would submit that it's completely unfair to enter into a relationship with a goal of asking the other person to change any aspect of their being in the first place. Asking someone to change their weight, hair color/style, etc is like saying, "I like you but you could be better". If you wanted "better" you should have gone for that in the beginning. I feel this is tantamount to a person (male or female) starting a relationship with a "bad boy/girl" and then thinking they can make him/her go straight. It almost never works and usually someone ends up very disappointed.
As far as that post by @jrose123, I get that you have a point to make and perhaps would like to vent a little, and that's fine. This is a space where we can really air things out and hopefully we can all learn and grow from the experiences of others. But when you start a sentence with "Most men", it puts most guys on their heels as it comes across as a blanket statement about all of us(or at least most of us); when in fact you probably meant most men you know or have met, which is a small sample size compared to the 3.8 billion men on the planet.
That doesn't mean that there's no validity in the statements made, because there is. But rest assured, some men are not the only ones whose sole concern is their romantic perfection and some men will surprise and delight you, if given the chance. You have a right to demand equality in this realm (and in fact, any facet of your life), so there's no disputing that. And I wish you, and everyone here, the best in your future romantic involvements.
*I'm getting a nose bleed from standing up on this soapbox, so I'd better get down now*
As far as that post by @jrose123, I get that you have a point to make and perhaps would like to vent a little, and that's fine. This is a space where we can really air things out and hopefully we can all learn and grow from the experiences of others. But when you start a sentence with "Most men", it puts most guys on their heels as it comes across as a blanket statement about all of us(or at least most of us); when in fact you probably meant most men you know or have met, which is a small sample size compared to the 3.8 billion men on the planet.
That doesn't mean that there's no validity in the statements made, because there is. But rest assured, some men are not the only ones whose sole concern is their romantic perfection and some men will surprise and delight you, if given the chance. You have a right to demand equality in this realm (and in fact, any facet of your life), so there's no disputing that. And I wish you, and everyone here, the best in your future romantic involvements.
*I'm getting a nose bleed from standing up on this soapbox, so I'd better get down now*
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mathfa
Well-Known Member
Well spoken, BEK. 
Well spoken, BEK.
he usually is!
