~BBW/~BHM, Extreme Eating, Romance, ~XWG - a strange challenge in the era of King Arthur takes some unexpected twists
Chapter 1 - The Game
Sir Samuel was a tall, handsome knight in King Arthur's court who was well on the far side of being portly. Though he did his best to be noble and do knightly things like jousting, in his mind, nothing could compare to sitting down and stuffing himself like a hog. Because the other lords and ladies did not much approve of such behaviour, he did his best to behave. Samuel ate lightly and exercised frequently, but it seldom did him any good. No matter how hard he worked, how much or how little he ate, he never could lose any weight.
Samuel found this annoying because he felt he might just as well be fat AND stuff himself like a pig as diet and look like one anyway. The lords and ladies didn't see it the same way though, so for the sake of his noble reputation, Samuel dieted and jousted and behaved properly. Until Christmastime came around.
Christmastime was always Samuel's favourite time of year, because it meant a grand holiday feast. Christmastime also meant that Samuel could eat whatever he wanted, because it was the holiday season and everybody ate too much during the holidays. Samuel was dearly looking forward to eating way too much on Christmas. He had abstained from eating lunch and dinner yesterday, and instead drank large quantities of wine to stretch his stomach.
Late in the night, Samuel had passed out, a bottle of wine in one hand, his large stomach sloshing from side to side, filled to the brim with alcohol. Christmas morning he awoke feeling bloated, hung over, and starving. His large, flabby belly rumbled loudly and he patted it softly. Patience, Samuel told his grumbling sack of flesh, and dressed quickly. He buttoned on one of his big velvet shirts and laced up the front of his largest pair of leather trousers. Giving his gut a final pat, Samuel waddled out of his room and towards the main hall.
The great hall had been lavishly decorated with Christmas boughs and gold and crimson ribbons. On the walls shone glorious tapestries depicting the many noble adventures that Arthur's knights had ridden out on. On golden benches lords and ladies clad in sparkling silks and velvets sat and talked with one another. Samuel took little note of all this, because when he entered the room, his eyes went immediately to the food. Hot, crackling roast pigs had been set up and down the entire length of the table, along with bread stuffing, puddings, meat pies, a creature that was half lamb, half peacock, crisp beef, mushrooms, rice, sausage, cheeses, soups, fruit pies, fresh corn, vegetables, and of course cream, milk and butter.
Samuel's stomach snarled and he clapped a hand over the top of the noisy beast in embarrassment. Noble lords and ladies did not allow their bowels to make such a racket. As quietly as he could, Samuel waddled to his seat. Most lords would have felt a sense of shame sitting where Samuel sat, seeing as he was as far away from the king as one could possibly get. However, Samuel did not much mind. The table for low ranking knights and servants was closest to the doorway, making it convenient to get to and from his seat.
As Samuel sat down he felt an almost uncontrollable urge to dive face first into the roast pig sitting in front of him. But he couldn't, of course. Not only was it unknightly, but against the rules. For king Arthur had decreed that on Christmas day, before the feast could begin, a miracle or a quest must be brought before the court. Most of the nobles seemed to like that sort of thing, but Samuel found it downright annoying. In his opinion, there was nothing more obnoxious than some wizard showing a stupid magic trick or some distressed maiden trying to solicit knightly help for a dangerous quest when his stomach was empty.
Perhaps, Samuel thought, he would be a world renowned knight by now if he hadn't been starving while the quests were being offered. The prospect of tramping off into the bitter cold with an empty stomach was far too unpleasant for Samuel to ever consider volunteering. Then, of course, there was the fact that Samuel thought marching off in the woods to help a random person on a quest was absurd. What was the point of possibly dying on the quest of someone you hardly knew? It was much better to stay inside, and leave the honor and glory winning to the stupider, “nobler” knights.
After fifteen minutes, Samuel was nearly dying. His belly was crying out to be crammed taut with the food that groaned on the tables before him, but no one had visited the court yet. After twenty minutes, Samuel was scowling. He was moments away from giving the king a piece of his mind about the stupid quest tradition when a man came clattering in to the hall.
The most unusual thing about the man, on first glance, was his unusual blue color. His eyebrows, hair, clothes and even his skin were bright blue. The second most unusual thing about the man was his size. He was monstrously huge and muscular, with bare feet and a monstrously huge blue and gold axe in his right hand. The mighty charger he rode upon was also massive, and it reared and stamped and shot fire from its nostrils before the company of nobles.
Arthur, being a noble and knightly host, stood and greeted the unusual newcomer: “Welcome, good sir. You have arrived at a timely hour, for just now our Christmas feast begins. Would you tarry here till its conclusion?”
Samuel rolled his eyes. He was starving, and there Arthur was, being ridiculously courteous. Blasted thin people. He scowled and sucked in the saliva that nearly fell from his lips. To comfort himself, he began to rub the underside of his now thundering belly. It sloshed a bit and Samuel grinned.
“That must be the wine,” he whispered softly to himself.
“Nay,” said the blue man. “I come with a Christmas game, and a brief one at that. It is a simple game, and I must leave upon its conclusion.”
Samuel perked up at the blue man's comment. The man had used the word brief, and Samuel desperately hoped it was true.
“As you wish,” Arthur said. “What game do you speak of?”
“A simple game, m'lord. Involving this axe. All I ask is that the noblest among you lift this axe, and strike me the hardest blow possible. In twelve months, this man must return to me, and I will deal him a blow in return.”
All present laughed long and hard at the proposition, but when the blue man remained serious they stopped. No one moved. Except Samuel, who was certain that everyone was going to think it wasn't noble to take up such a foolish bargain. Arthur would probably try and persuade the man to stop his suicidal foolishness, but Samuel didn't care. He didn't care, and decided to make short work of this quest.
“M'lord,” Samuel called, standing abruptly. He regretted standing abruptly, because the left over wine in his stomach swayed and tumbled through his insides, nauseating him momentarily.
“Yes, Sir Samuel?” Arthur called back.
“I humbly beg the honor of carrying out this quest.”
The hall tittered at Samuel's words. They all thought of him as a big, fat coward.
“Silence!” Arthur shouted at the laughing nobles. “The honor of this quest, Sir Samuel, I bestow upon you.”
“Thank you, m'lord,” Samuel said, and waddled up to the blue man. “Now good sir,” Samuel said, doing his best to be properly courteous.
“How might I find you when the twelve months have passed?” Samuel tried very hard not to laugh. He supposed he might as well ask the directions to the cemetery where he'd be riding to put some flowers on the blue man's grave come Christmas next year.
“Never fear,” the blue man said, “for a grand litter will arrive in twelvemonths, with many servants to bear you back to my castle. And now, good sir, take this axe and strike.” The blue man handed Samuel the axe, knelt on one knee and lifted the hair away from his neck. An uneasy feeling washed over Samuel, but his angry innards kept him from thinking about it.
In one swift blow, Samuel removed the head from the blue man's body. The nobles gathered together gasped when no blood came out. Samuel stood stunned. But nothing could prepare him for what came next. The blue man reached around momentarily, located his severed head, and placed it upon his shoulders.
“My axe, if you please sir,” the blue man said. Samuel handed him the axe, dumbfounded.
“Remember, twelve months, and your head is mine,” the blue man laughed evilly, and before anyone could catch him, mounted his horse and galloped from the hall. The nobles sat stunned. And then they began to whisper.
“Big deal,” one knight said in an unknightly fashion to the lord and lady seated beside him. “With that fat sack of lard out of the house, the food bills will be cut in half.”
The lord and lady laughed quietly.
Arthur rose. “Sir Samuel, I regret now that I gave you that quest. If only I had known - “
Samuel raised one hand nobly. “It is my trouble now, good king. I will bear it fully. Every knight must keep his word.”
And with that Samuel turned on his heel and waddled and sloshed back to his seat. His hunger was too great for him to worry about the new difficulties with the blue man. He would worry about it later when he was overly sated with wine and meat.
“I would we had not had our miracle this year,” Arthur said. “But it has come to pass, and now the feast may commence. Be kind to Sir Samuel, for when you look upon him, you look upon a dead man.”
THE ROUNDEST KNIGHT AT THE TABLE
(A tale of gluttonous abandon)
by The Fattener
(A tale of gluttonous abandon)
by The Fattener
Chapter 1 - The Game
Sir Samuel was a tall, handsome knight in King Arthur's court who was well on the far side of being portly. Though he did his best to be noble and do knightly things like jousting, in his mind, nothing could compare to sitting down and stuffing himself like a hog. Because the other lords and ladies did not much approve of such behaviour, he did his best to behave. Samuel ate lightly and exercised frequently, but it seldom did him any good. No matter how hard he worked, how much or how little he ate, he never could lose any weight.
Samuel found this annoying because he felt he might just as well be fat AND stuff himself like a pig as diet and look like one anyway. The lords and ladies didn't see it the same way though, so for the sake of his noble reputation, Samuel dieted and jousted and behaved properly. Until Christmastime came around.
Christmastime was always Samuel's favourite time of year, because it meant a grand holiday feast. Christmastime also meant that Samuel could eat whatever he wanted, because it was the holiday season and everybody ate too much during the holidays. Samuel was dearly looking forward to eating way too much on Christmas. He had abstained from eating lunch and dinner yesterday, and instead drank large quantities of wine to stretch his stomach.
Late in the night, Samuel had passed out, a bottle of wine in one hand, his large stomach sloshing from side to side, filled to the brim with alcohol. Christmas morning he awoke feeling bloated, hung over, and starving. His large, flabby belly rumbled loudly and he patted it softly. Patience, Samuel told his grumbling sack of flesh, and dressed quickly. He buttoned on one of his big velvet shirts and laced up the front of his largest pair of leather trousers. Giving his gut a final pat, Samuel waddled out of his room and towards the main hall.
The great hall had been lavishly decorated with Christmas boughs and gold and crimson ribbons. On the walls shone glorious tapestries depicting the many noble adventures that Arthur's knights had ridden out on. On golden benches lords and ladies clad in sparkling silks and velvets sat and talked with one another. Samuel took little note of all this, because when he entered the room, his eyes went immediately to the food. Hot, crackling roast pigs had been set up and down the entire length of the table, along with bread stuffing, puddings, meat pies, a creature that was half lamb, half peacock, crisp beef, mushrooms, rice, sausage, cheeses, soups, fruit pies, fresh corn, vegetables, and of course cream, milk and butter.
Samuel's stomach snarled and he clapped a hand over the top of the noisy beast in embarrassment. Noble lords and ladies did not allow their bowels to make such a racket. As quietly as he could, Samuel waddled to his seat. Most lords would have felt a sense of shame sitting where Samuel sat, seeing as he was as far away from the king as one could possibly get. However, Samuel did not much mind. The table for low ranking knights and servants was closest to the doorway, making it convenient to get to and from his seat.
As Samuel sat down he felt an almost uncontrollable urge to dive face first into the roast pig sitting in front of him. But he couldn't, of course. Not only was it unknightly, but against the rules. For king Arthur had decreed that on Christmas day, before the feast could begin, a miracle or a quest must be brought before the court. Most of the nobles seemed to like that sort of thing, but Samuel found it downright annoying. In his opinion, there was nothing more obnoxious than some wizard showing a stupid magic trick or some distressed maiden trying to solicit knightly help for a dangerous quest when his stomach was empty.
Perhaps, Samuel thought, he would be a world renowned knight by now if he hadn't been starving while the quests were being offered. The prospect of tramping off into the bitter cold with an empty stomach was far too unpleasant for Samuel to ever consider volunteering. Then, of course, there was the fact that Samuel thought marching off in the woods to help a random person on a quest was absurd. What was the point of possibly dying on the quest of someone you hardly knew? It was much better to stay inside, and leave the honor and glory winning to the stupider, “nobler” knights.
After fifteen minutes, Samuel was nearly dying. His belly was crying out to be crammed taut with the food that groaned on the tables before him, but no one had visited the court yet. After twenty minutes, Samuel was scowling. He was moments away from giving the king a piece of his mind about the stupid quest tradition when a man came clattering in to the hall.
The most unusual thing about the man, on first glance, was his unusual blue color. His eyebrows, hair, clothes and even his skin were bright blue. The second most unusual thing about the man was his size. He was monstrously huge and muscular, with bare feet and a monstrously huge blue and gold axe in his right hand. The mighty charger he rode upon was also massive, and it reared and stamped and shot fire from its nostrils before the company of nobles.
Arthur, being a noble and knightly host, stood and greeted the unusual newcomer: “Welcome, good sir. You have arrived at a timely hour, for just now our Christmas feast begins. Would you tarry here till its conclusion?”
Samuel rolled his eyes. He was starving, and there Arthur was, being ridiculously courteous. Blasted thin people. He scowled and sucked in the saliva that nearly fell from his lips. To comfort himself, he began to rub the underside of his now thundering belly. It sloshed a bit and Samuel grinned.
“That must be the wine,” he whispered softly to himself.
“Nay,” said the blue man. “I come with a Christmas game, and a brief one at that. It is a simple game, and I must leave upon its conclusion.”
Samuel perked up at the blue man's comment. The man had used the word brief, and Samuel desperately hoped it was true.
“As you wish,” Arthur said. “What game do you speak of?”
“A simple game, m'lord. Involving this axe. All I ask is that the noblest among you lift this axe, and strike me the hardest blow possible. In twelve months, this man must return to me, and I will deal him a blow in return.”
All present laughed long and hard at the proposition, but when the blue man remained serious they stopped. No one moved. Except Samuel, who was certain that everyone was going to think it wasn't noble to take up such a foolish bargain. Arthur would probably try and persuade the man to stop his suicidal foolishness, but Samuel didn't care. He didn't care, and decided to make short work of this quest.
“M'lord,” Samuel called, standing abruptly. He regretted standing abruptly, because the left over wine in his stomach swayed and tumbled through his insides, nauseating him momentarily.
“Yes, Sir Samuel?” Arthur called back.
“I humbly beg the honor of carrying out this quest.”
The hall tittered at Samuel's words. They all thought of him as a big, fat coward.
“Silence!” Arthur shouted at the laughing nobles. “The honor of this quest, Sir Samuel, I bestow upon you.”
“Thank you, m'lord,” Samuel said, and waddled up to the blue man. “Now good sir,” Samuel said, doing his best to be properly courteous.
“How might I find you when the twelve months have passed?” Samuel tried very hard not to laugh. He supposed he might as well ask the directions to the cemetery where he'd be riding to put some flowers on the blue man's grave come Christmas next year.
“Never fear,” the blue man said, “for a grand litter will arrive in twelvemonths, with many servants to bear you back to my castle. And now, good sir, take this axe and strike.” The blue man handed Samuel the axe, knelt on one knee and lifted the hair away from his neck. An uneasy feeling washed over Samuel, but his angry innards kept him from thinking about it.
In one swift blow, Samuel removed the head from the blue man's body. The nobles gathered together gasped when no blood came out. Samuel stood stunned. But nothing could prepare him for what came next. The blue man reached around momentarily, located his severed head, and placed it upon his shoulders.
“My axe, if you please sir,” the blue man said. Samuel handed him the axe, dumbfounded.
“Remember, twelve months, and your head is mine,” the blue man laughed evilly, and before anyone could catch him, mounted his horse and galloped from the hall. The nobles sat stunned. And then they began to whisper.
“Big deal,” one knight said in an unknightly fashion to the lord and lady seated beside him. “With that fat sack of lard out of the house, the food bills will be cut in half.”
The lord and lady laughed quietly.
Arthur rose. “Sir Samuel, I regret now that I gave you that quest. If only I had known - “
Samuel raised one hand nobly. “It is my trouble now, good king. I will bear it fully. Every knight must keep his word.”
And with that Samuel turned on his heel and waddled and sloshed back to his seat. His hunger was too great for him to worry about the new difficulties with the blue man. He would worry about it later when he was overly sated with wine and meat.
“I would we had not had our miracle this year,” Arthur said. “But it has come to pass, and now the feast may commence. Be kind to Sir Samuel, for when you look upon him, you look upon a dead man.”
