The Vacation Dilemma

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wjn319

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Greetings Folks,

So....I hate taking vacation. Being over 500 pounds now at the age of 40, I've resigned myself to just be comfortable in my own home.

This presents some problems. I work a lot...sometimes 80 hours a week depending on the weather....I could use a vacation sometimes. But I'm always afraid of being a spectacle or being uncomfortable or inconveniencing others.

I used to be a traveler when I was in my 20's...I went to Europe twice and I was always going to the Jersey shore even if I was never a beach goer.

Another problem is my wife, who, although she is a BBW, she is still quite active and wants to experience more of aspects of life that I shy away from. She deserves a nice vacation. I have co-workers who are always going away to the Caribbean or other exotic locales. I wish I could do that for her. Our 10 year anniversary is coming up next May and I feel horrible about being such a downer on going away together.

So....I dont know exactly what I'm asking for here. Does anyone else have the travel fears that I do? Any tips on moving forward?

Thanks

Bill
 

ConnieLynn

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I avoid flying, because the last time I flew, I was really uncomfortable, and my ass has only gotten wider since then.

So, I do road trips, and tend to find places that work for me and revisit them.

I like going to the beach. Frankly, I don't care about being fat at the beach because I came to realize that beaches are not full of perfect bodies. What does matter is that the beach is easy to access. I'm not into walking a mile through deep sand to get to the water. I've had a lot of luck posting in the Events & Community section of Dims and asking folks to share info about areas I'm planning to visit.

Also, I've never been on a cruise, but I have a bunch of fat friends who cruise together all the time. They insist that cruises are fat friendly. They do say that the cabin bathrooms are tight, but I bet you could go online to get cabin layouts / measurements or even call and ask. I plan to cruise fat in the near future :)

I'm no longer shy about calling up a place and asking specific questions about accommodations. Just remember, you aren't the only fat person in the world, and you don't have to be apologetic.

You might consider meeting with a local travel agent and discussing your situation. With an expert on your side, you might travel more often.
 

wjn319

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Thanks for the tips.

My wife loves the beach, but I cant get off the ground without major assistance so I havent done the beach since I was a kid.

If I do a cruise, it would have to be from Baltimore or Philadelphia...otherwise I would have to fly.

The whole thing really stresses me out.
 

moonvine

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Thanks for the tips.

My wife loves the beach, but I cant get off the ground without major assistance so I havent done the beach since I was a kid.

If I do a cruise, it would have to be from Baltimore or Philadelphia...otherwise I would have to fly.

The whole thing really stresses me out.
I'd try cruising from Baltimore or Philadelphia and see how I liked it. Your wife could do active things during the day and you could stay on the ship or do something less active and then meet up for dinner, etc at night. I'm plenty fat and have never had problems with the bathrooms on Carnival, though I can't vouch for other cruise lines. Plus, there is endless free food including free room service:)
 

ConnieLynn

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If it makes you more comfortable, start closer to home. How are you with navigating into a swimming pool? You could do a weekend in a really great hotel with swimming pool, hot tub in the room, room service, etc.
 

wjn319

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If it makes you more comfortable, start closer to home. How are you with navigating into a swimming pool? You could do a weekend in a really great hotel with swimming pool, hot tub in the room, room service, etc.
Well, I did buy us a pool membership to a local swim club. I went once last year. I enjoyed it for the most part, but not enough to want to get over my laziness and go again. She goes almost every weekend. I had planned to go all the time, to swim as a form of exercise so I can slim down....but that never happened.

I'd try cruising from Baltimore or Philadelphia and see how I liked it. Your wife could do active things during the day and you could stay on the ship or do something less active and then meet up for dinner, etc at night. I'm plenty fat and have never had problems with the bathrooms on Carnival, though I can't vouch for other cruise lines. Plus, there is endless free food including free room service
My main fear of being on a cruise is that I may feel like I'm being held captive.

I think the main thing is that I just dont really want to do anything. If I did, I would have sucked it up already and made it happen.

But I do appreciate all the input.
 

Sweet Tooth

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I really do understand the urge to just stay home sometimes. Your home is set up to work for you, I'm sure. Long weeks with busy schedules just beg for rest at every opportunity. And, yes, there is the aspect of feeling like people you encounter will be jerks or that there will be issues.

I simply don't have time these days for a "real" vacation, and cruises hold little interest for me. But I also know I can dig myself into a rut if I don't go explore sometimes. It helps to go places with an understanding person. Hopefully your wife, even if she's a smaller BBW, can empathize with the challenges that concern you. Just having an ally can help with a lot of anxiety and concern, especially if they're willing to be an advocate when things get too much for you.

Calling ahead, whether it's a restaurant or state park or other venue, and being forthright with the person on the phone [helps to ask for a manager so you don't get someone that barely knows the place] about your need for accommodation goes a long way in making sure you'll be okay wherever you go. I figure that, if I'm away from home, the likelihood of me running into the same people again is low. I don't have as much shame about seeming rude when I'm just taking care of my needs. [Recently went somewhere, ready to get something to eat. Walked into one establishment that didn't have good chairs and smelled of something burning. Turned around and walked out. Found another place with the great pizza I posted in a restaurant pics thread.]

That's only one example, the calling ahead bit, but I think it all comes down to needing to plan and be willing to ask questions even if they're a bit embarrassing. You can go a lot of places if you're willing to do that and give the place a chance to work with you. Sure, a hike up some mountain probably isn't going to be on the vacation agenda. Starting locally within a few hours of your house might be a place to start. Somewhat familiar, accessible by car, and you can go home if things get bad.

Having said all that, I'm not sure if I would feel differently at a different size. I recently traveled out of state to a family wedding, and the chairs in the venue were horrible. Plastic folding things that barely supported people half my size. I asked for something that would hold my ass. Fortunately there was something available that worked. It wouldn't have for someone even 50 lbs heavier. I get that, and I understand not all options are available at a certain point. But asking never hurts. The bonus to all that is getting to have adventures with your bride. Congrats on 10 years of marriage!
 

moonvine

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My main fear of being on a cruise is that I may feel like I'm being held captive.

I think the main thing is that I just dont really want to do anything. If I did, I would have sucked it up already and made it happen.

But I do appreciate all the input.
I have never felt that way. The ships are huge. You might try a one or 2 night "cruise to nowhere" to see how that feels.

I just can't imagine not wanting to do anything. But if you don't, you don't.
 

Tad

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Some random thoughts:

- What would make sense to do depends a lot on your mobility. How far can you walk, how long can you stand, can you handle stairs, do you/would you use a scooter, etc.

- Also it matters what sort of thing you and your wife like to do. Going to a cool historic site with great accessibility is no good if neither of you care for such things, etc.

- You sound like you may have low level of depression, or something? Or just a general malaise? A general comment is that if you aren’t happy at home, you aren’t particularly likely to be happy on vacation either.

- Going to the pool more regularly is bound to make handling a vacation easier on you, even if you don’t lose weight. The exercise and just regularly doing something different will help your ability to physically and mentally deal with going somewhere and doing different things. And in general getting more fit tends to give more mental and physical energy and could possibly leave you feeling somewhat better. Of course, getting started is the hard part.

- If Jersey is in driving range of you (you mentioned it for cruise departures), would it be worth going to Atlantic City? I don’t have a clue what the place is like these days, be it grungy or glamorous, but it has a history and a ‘name’ so it would be some place to go, even if you just stay in a hotel for the weekend and go to a couple of restaurants.

- There are a number of BBW bashes on the East Coast, some might be in reasonable driving range of you. Would that be something your wife and you would be willing to check out? Just possibly the company of other bigger folks could be a supportive environment for a first or second trip away from home?

- Not that there is anything wrong with a bigger, more glamorous, vacation…but if you haven’t gone anywhere in a lot of years and pounds, it may be best to first start small and local, without making too big of a deal about it, and see how that goes, what works for you and what doesn’t, etc. Perhaps even start with day trips before even doing a full weekend (local Fall fair, minor league baseball game, museum, etc)

- Just throwing this out there, and you may have been checked already….could you have sleep apnea? (it is very common amongst bigger folks, but thin people can have it too). Something to look into it, as it can really sap your energy to deal with life.
 

moore2me

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WJN, My husband and I are both around 350 pounds. He would never go on a cruise ship because he doesn't like to be confined - period. For me, it would be like being penned up with a grizzly bear, a cranky grizzly bear. He does love the out of doors, fishing, visiting scenic locations, being in the parks and recreation areas that are not crowded or tourist traps. We are lucky in Arkansas to have plenty of beautiful parks with rental cabins or rooms - many furnished with kitchens and everything you need for a week of housekeeping.

There are some so beautiful that I am contented just to sit outside and watch nature and nap or fish for days - or watch the river run and rise and flow. There are also some adjacent to reservoirs that have large bodies of water. These places rent houseboats, ski boats, fishing boats and have fishing guides. Some are close to towns that have attractions like Branson, Eureka Springs, Hot Springs, Queen Willamena Park, and other neat towns. I am including a few pics below of a few places named in my list (all Ark vacation spots). I am sure you guys have your own camping spots with cabins and places were you can rejuvenate too.

To make a place more comfortable I ask for a handicapped room. I also take a portable toilet seat (to help me get up and down off a low toilet). I take a wedge pillow for the bed. I take food that we like from home. Most places have a DVD player - I bring movies and games. I also take a couple of comfortable folding chairs for sitting outdoors. Sometimes we invite guests to go with us or meet us there too.

View attachment gastons white river resort.jpg

View attachment gastons trout.jpg

View attachment arsp_mtmag_cabin-living-room_ex_l.jpg

View attachment petit jran.jpg

View attachment petitjean_cabin_honeymoon_ext_002_l.jpg
 

moonvine

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Moore2me,

Those are some awesome pictures. I have been thinking about this thread because a couple of weekends ago my bf basically begged me to go camping with him. I am not a camper and I don't like sleeping on the ground. I don't like tents. I don't like walking long distances to the restroom. Etc etc.

Nevertheless I did have a good time. Fortunately the sand fleas and etc were not out in force. I saw some shooting stars and I stayed up and watched the sun rise and watched the birds come in and have their breakfast. I wished for my camera. Although this is not something I would want to do every week or even every month I am glad I did so as I had a moderately good time and I am glad I went. So there are good things about trying something you think you won't like.

Maybe an old fashioned travel agent could help? Probably those of us answering this thread are thinking of vacations we would like, but if you thought of a vacation you would like a travel agent could probably make that happen.
 

canadianbbw4u

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I always thought I was too fat to travel/fly. I had never left Canada until I met my b'f and he took me on my first U.S road trip to Las Vegas. I had a great time. After that I was feeling better so when a seat sale came up to go to The Dominican Republic I sucked up my fear of flying and did it! It was awesome. We purchased a 3rd seat for between us an it was easy peasy! I thought the air line would say something to me but they were pretty good. I always make my b'f ask for seat belt extenders lol. I have yet to try out a bathroom on a plane yet though. I try to make my flights direct and max 8 hrs. I know I can hold it that long.
Once I get to our holiday destination I usually don't do much. I go buy a comfy sturdy beach chair and find a great beach and relax.
I think you should try a short flight at first and see how it works out. You never know unless you try!!!!!
 

agouderia

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wjn319 - everybody so far gave you great, practical advice. Look it through, think about it and then try to put into practice what sounds like best for you and your situation.

I'd like to add some more theoretical meta-considerations based on 2 aspects of what you wrote:


I work a lot...sometimes 80 hours a week depending on the weather....I could use a vacation sometimes.


Another problem is my wife, who, although she is a BBW, she is still quite active and wants to experience more of aspects of life that I shy away from.
If you work 80 hours a week, no matter at which weight, you can not only use, you actually desperately need a vacation! Your mind and body needs the rest, needs distance from work and the daily grind!
In contrast to odd misconceptions in the US, vacation time wasn't invented out of pure employer altruism, but because people are more productive if you give them regular meaningful rest periods.

Vacation or free time at home - no matter how comfortable it might seem - doesn't do as efficient a job as going away to relax does. At home you don't fully relax, some chore always continues to stare at you, your mind stays to preoccupied with petty regular stuff.

Going away opens your mind, gives you new ideas, offers new challenges on which you can grow .... lets you literally get away from your life for a short period of time so you can see it with new eyes afterwards, maybe even open up different ways of doing things for yourself.

Second - from what you write about your wife, your marriage also needs a real vacation.

Not to sound too defeatist, but statistically most marriages that have survived the first 4 years fail between years 10-12. Top on the hit-list of reasons for separations are that one partner feels the other simply doesn't make enough of an effort anymore for keeping both partners happy in the marriage, values his/her comfort zone higher than exertions to keep a relationship in balance. A highly diverging level of activity has the potential of being a real problem case in this context.

There is no better way of showing your wife your love and commitment on your 10th wedding anniversary, no better present than going on a real vacation, something she will probably know about your issues and thus cherish all the more.
And you'll also do something really good for yourself, in every respect!

So the motto is - bon voyage!
 

Skye23

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There's also a cruise terminal in NYC - which isn't too far from the Philly/Baltimore area.

And I'm going to chime in as someone who's been married 17 years to a guy who's a bit of a homebody but has learned how to adjust. If your wife wants to go places and you don't, there may well come a day when you get your wish but only because your wife has GONE and you are indeed free to never go anywhere ever again but only because you have no one to go with. It may be a catch phrase, but its true - Happy Wife, Happy Life.
 

wjn319

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There has been a lot of great insight....so I'm going to try to respond to everything not that I have a day off and can access this site from home instead of just my phone....

- What would make sense to do depends a lot on your mobility. How far can you walk, how long can you stand, can you handle stairs, do you/would you use a scooter, etc.
No, I cant walk very far at all without exhaustion and/or back pain. But I've never used a scooter and I dont know if I could bring myself to that. I think my own ego would look at that as defeat...hearing my dad's voice in my head from the old days of little league telling me I can't do it.

- Also it matters what sort of thing you and your wife like to do. Going to a cool historic site with great accessibility is no good if neither of you care for such things, etc.
I love history...she loves the beach. She would go anywhere with me just to be with me....but history isnt her thing and the beach isnt my thing.

- You sound like you may have low level of depression, or something? Or just a general malaise? A general comment is that if you aren’t happy at home, you aren't particularly likely to be happy on vacation either.
A famous comedian (one of my personal favorites) once said "The only difference between disappointment and depression is really just one's own level of commitment." I'm not happy happy at home because we're taking care of her elderly father and her man-child of a younger brother. I live in a house with no personal space where everything is community property and yet I'm paying for everything.

- Going to the pool more regularly is bound to make handling a vacation easier on you, even if you don’t lose weight. The exercise and just regularly doing something different will help your ability to physically and mentally deal with going somewhere and doing different things. And in general getting more fit tends to give more mental and physical energy and could possibly leave you feeling somewhat better. Of course, getting started is the hard part.
The one time I went to the pool last year I was fine once I was in the pool. It was the walk to and from the car where I was filled with self-loathing and judgement.

- If Jersey is in driving range of you (you mentioned it for cruise departures), would it be worth going to Atlantic City? I don’t have a clue what the place is like these days, be it grungy or glamorous, but it has a history and a ‘name’ so it would be some place to go, even if you just stay in a hotel for the weekend and go to a couple of restaurants.
We actually do AC 5 or 6 times a year. Caesar's is our favorite because we've found them to have the nicest beds. Borgata has the best steakhouse though with the 18oz filet....sweeeeeeet.

- There are a number of BBW bashes on the East Coast, some might be in reasonable driving range of you. Would that be something your wife and you would be willing to check out? Just possibly the company of other bigger folks could be a supportive environment for a first or second trip away from home?
We'd probably have a nice time but I don't think bashes is something either of us would want to do....we're both insecure in our own ways.

- Not that there is anything wrong with a bigger, more glamorous, vacation…but if you haven’t gone anywhere in a lot of years and pounds, it may be best to first start small and local, without making too big of a deal about it, and see how that goes, what works for you and what doesn’t, etc. Perhaps even start with day trips before even doing a full weekend (local Fall fair, minor league baseball game, museum, etc)
This stumbling block is primarily my issue...I have no real interest in anything other than video games (which I've come to realize is really just a distraction).

- Just throwing this out there, and you may have been checked already….could you have sleep apnea? (it is very common amongst bigger folks, but thin people can have it too). Something to look into it, as it can really sap your energy to deal with life.
I had 2 hospital stays last year where I've been diagnosed with sleep apnea and I've even done the sleep study afterwards....I just havent followed up to get the next portion done where I actually try out the c-pap machine. I did it years ago when I actually had WLS and I couldnt use the c-pap because it made my face cold. I know there have been advancements but I'm avoiding it for some reason.

There are some so beautiful that I am contented just to sit outside and watch nature and nap or fish for days - or watch the river run and rise and flow. There are also some adjacent to reservoirs that have large bodies of water. These places rent houseboats, ski boats, fishing boats and have fishing guides. Some are close to towns that have attractions like Branson, Eureka Springs, Hot Springs, Queen Willamena Park, and other neat towns. I am including a few pics below of a few places named in my list (all Ark vacation spots). I am sure you guys have your own camping spots with cabins and places were you can rejuvenate too.
I hate nature.....I was a scout when I was a kid....but anymore it's just not for me.

Maybe an old fashioned travel agent could help? Probably those of us answering this thread are thinking of vacations we would like, but if you thought of a vacation you would like a travel agent could probably make that happen.
I've thought the same thing...I just haven't pulled the trigger on it yet.

We purchased a 3rd seat for between us an it was easy peasy!
This is genius. We flew to Vegas for our honeymoon. Just buying 3 seats together would be no real big deal...now to just figure out where I would want to go....I do have family in the Caribbean....maybe that's worth a shot. I've also always wanted to see Newfoundland where I also have family.

If you work 80 hours a week, no matter at which weight, you can not only use, you actually desperately need a vacation! Your mind and body needs the rest, needs distance from work and the daily grind!
In contrast to odd misconceptions in the US, vacation time wasn't invented out of pure employer altruism, but because people are more productive if you give them regular meaningful rest periods.

Vacation or free time at home - no matter how comfortable it might seem - doesn't do as efficient a job as going away to relax does. At home you don't fully relax, some chore always continues to stare at you, your mind stays to preoccupied with petty regular stuff.

Going away opens your mind, gives you new ideas, offers new challenges on which you can grow .... lets you literally get away from your life for a short period of time so you can see it with new eyes afterwards, maybe even open up different ways of doing things for yourself.

Second - from what you write about your wife, your marriage also needs a real vacation.

Not to sound too defeatist, but statistically most marriages that have survived the first 4 years fail between years 10-12. Top on the hit-list of reasons for separations are that one partner feels the other simply doesn't make enough of an effort anymore for keeping both partners happy in the marriage, values his/her comfort zone higher than exertions to keep a relationship in balance. A highly diverging level of activity has the potential of being a real problem case in this context.

There is no better way of showing your wife your love and commitment on your 10th wedding anniversary, no better present than going on a real vacation, something she will probably know about your issues and thus cherish all the more.
My wife and I are very devoted to each other. If she didnt leave me when I was drinking myself into a stupor every night and I havent left her over some other issues we're having, I dont see either of us throwing in the towel. Nevertheless, I do want to give her the vacation she deserves.

I keep trying but I fall short. 2 summers ago(summer of 2011), I rented her a beach front condo in OC, NJ for the week. It was a small fortune but she said it was the best vacation she ever had. I could just do that again and she would be over the moon (we would have done it again this year but we bought a dog instead). I want to outdo that great week she had.

It may be a catch phrase, but its true - Happy Wife, Happy Life.
No truer words.....
 

Tad

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ut of all of that, two things jump out at me
- follow up on that clap machine! That is an important health issue, and your wife won't have much of a vacation if you end up in the hospital again. Seriously, get on that.

- You don't have to top the last vacation! Repeating one of the best times she has had is no bad thing.
 

wjn319

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ut of all of that, two things jump out at me
- follow up on that clap machine! That is an important health issue, and your wife won't have much of a vacation if you end up in the hospital again. Seriously, get on that.

- You don't have to top the last vacation! Repeating one of the best times she has had is no bad thing.
Yes. I still have the number to do the follow up. I would like to feel more rested so I will call to set up the next step.

And getting the shore house again is on the agenda. But I also think I want to get over my vacation "block" that I seem to be going thru. It's almost like I don't know how to relax or I don't think I deserve it or can even let myself relax.
 

Yakatori

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In addition to the scope of amenities and customization moore2me was talking about, one of the principle advantages of a renting a cabin/cottage is that it basically gives you the flexibility of two (or more) vacations in one. It means that, however many are going, you don't have to arrive or leave all at the same time. And, maybe, if it's what you want, can get away with bringing a pet? -Or- other such temporary friends or guests?

I mention-it because a lot of the stress associated with going on vacation can stem from having to appropriately prepare for being away for such an extended period of time.

So, the person who's a work-aholic can send a significant-other out there to scout-ahead & get everything set-up. -Or- do that themselves & make-it home at some point for the middle of the week. -Or- the one who, maybe, the vacation is really-for, who's more-typically in the role of being a primary care provider (other humans and pets-alike), can get a little extra time just to themselves.

As for the best combination of beaches & "history" in your region of the country, Cap Cod is a destination I certainly hope you wouldn't overlook. It's a bit nicer, I think, than the Jersey Shore. Especially if you can rent a small cottage that's relatively close (5 minute car ride or bike-distance) to the National Seashore (that's on the outer side of the Cape).

Like many tourist destinations, there's a natural (symbiotic?) & geographically-driven kind of ebb & flow both to the physical-environment as well as the human traffic it's exposed-to. In the early summer, May to the middle part of June, things are just kind of pleasant; but, you can also sort of tell, building-up to something. As there are a quite a number & variety of differently themed touristy-type events and festivals, many of them based either on some sort of food item (Clam-Fest, Scallop-Fest, Chowder-Fest, Strawberry- Fest, Cranberry-Fest,....Sandwich-Fest, etc..) or other such local cultural attraction (e.g. Portuguese-Fest, honoring the fishing community & a blessing of the fleet, fun if you're into boats and seafood and lighthouses and that type of thing). During some of these, it can-get a bit overwhelming...However, once you get past, about, either the middle of July or that triangle of Hyannis-Dennis-South Yarmouth the....atmosphere...begins to change.

At first, it's almost too gradual to notice. Obviously, the prices don't really drop until closer to Labor Day. But, it just seems-like, there are fewer people - even though it's still lively. Or maybe it's because, especially down on the actual beach-itself, folks are just more naturally spread-out? No matter, because, juxtaposed against the surreal and seemingly infinite spectacle of the North Atlantic, everything else just seems so much smaller. Minor inconveniences. "Real problems." Life-itself.

Just to say that this is a place to "get away" for a while; that, to me, has always felt a little like "coming-back."
 

Fatfanplus

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Thanks for the tips.

My wife loves the beach, but I cant get off the ground without major assistance so I havent done the beach since I was a kid.

If I do a cruise, it would have to be from Baltimore or Philadelphia...otherwise I would have to fly.

The whole thing really stresses me out.
You can get a beach chair that holds up to 500 pounds or even 1,000 pounds.
They look just like the beach chairs that average sized people use.
I have one and I use it at the beach. This way you don't need to sit on the sand at all. LivingXl.com has them.
 

wjn319

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You can get a beach chair that holds up to 500 pounds or even 1,000 pounds.
They look just like the beach chairs that average sized people use.
I have one and I use it at the beach. This way you don't need to sit on the sand at all. LivingXl.com has them.
Yeah I've seen them. I still have a really hard time getting out of them. But thanks.
 
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