Thoughts on Society and Being a BHM

Discussion in 'BHM/FFA' started by besthandsomeman, Dec 20, 2012.

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  1. Dec 20, 2012 #1

    besthandsomeman

    besthandsomeman

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    I don't know if this topic exists here or not but I have stalked a bit and couldn't find it. Therefore I thought I would bring it here. I know that some people are born with a weight fetish or want a big man or woman out of preference, but there are those like me who are big, are actively struggling with trying to lose weight for a more "normal" and healthy lifestyle but will never really get there fully. More specifically speaking (because I am sure I may have insulted someone) Those who did not know about this movement or lifestyle or even these preferences existed. Before I met kawaii I had a few girlfriends who seemed to enjoy my body as well as me but i could only accept that they liked me so much that liking my body just happened by accident. That there must have been some anomaly or screw up that happened for this to occur. I mean its just the way I grew up. I was teased and tormented yelled at by my mother told off by my doctors and rejected by many crushes. Being With Kawaii and her openness to her preferences and acceptance for a long time was unbelievable and partly scared me. So now to the point of it all: We are all adults here, and all of us (or most) needed to learn to accept ourselves and such. So when did it happen? Were you born with the idea of wanting to be large or did your have largeness thrust upon you (lol Roosevelt). When did you realize there was preference for this and did i cause you problems at first because of societal laws and views?

    Two things relating to this post: 1. if this is a boring subject or insulting or something is wrong with it feel free to ignore it and I whole heartily apologize if i did something wrong.

    2. I have been putting this on every posted just as a reminder and to make me feel better. I do have a huge problem with language and grammar and i acknowledge that there are people who get annoyed with it. If you care a lot could you please pm me with corrections and constructive criticism so i can try to help it later on. Thank you all
     
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  2. Dec 21, 2012 #2

    MrBob

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    I probably only became comfortable in my own skin a few years ago and now whether my weight goes up or down I'll remain comfortable. I've lost a liittle bit lately but purely for health reasons. And I had no idea about BHM's, FFA's and the rest until I stumbled on DIMS. It's changed my perspective a bit....who knew I was such a hot piece of ass?
     
  3. Dec 21, 2012 #3

    Sasquatch!

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    A wild loser appeared!

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    I'm not comfortable in my own skin.

    *Topic too complex--brain melting mid-reply!!*
     
  4. Dec 21, 2012 #4

    I'm Not Zoidberg

    I'm Not Zoidberg

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    Well, anti-fat prejudice is truly the modern Puritanism (as I said in another post, don't remember where), and anyone caught in the cross-hairs of such a Great Moral Crusade™ is likely to find himself in a world of emotional hurt. Unfortunate, but also - sadly - largely unavoidable. So, yeah - it did take me a while to become comfortable with my belly (which, incidentally, only grew as an adult - I was a ridiculously scrawny kid).

    I didn't set out to gain weight; it just kinda "happened." And it wasn't until then that I realized I actually liked having a gut. I was also lucky in that I met some women along the way that liked it too - and that helped enormously insofar as how I coped emotionally with societal bullshyte.

    Again, it took me a while. But it was definitely worth it.

    Absolutely nothing to apologize for. You certainly didn't insult me. And as far as expressing yourself in writing, you've done just fine. :)
     
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  5. Dec 21, 2012 #5

    besthandsomeman

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  6. Dec 21, 2012 #6

    sarahe543

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    you aren't going to change society overnight. When im out with my man i feel like the luckiest woman in the room. He's said he feels like people must wonder why im with him. Years of conditioning that your size is wrong, bad, unattractive ...that takes time to change.
     
  7. Dec 21, 2012 #7

    BigChaz

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    You have a man?
     
  8. Dec 21, 2012 #8

    sarahe543

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    find man. man chef.:)
     
  9. Dec 21, 2012 #9

    PolarKat

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    I've always been fat to some extent since infancy, so I've never really looked at it as having a preference for for being this way.. I simply just "am". I'm still not 100% comfortable in my own skin, still have those bad moments where realizing that buying a new car.. clothes etc.. becomes a quick reminder of buying somthing isn't just a matter of what I like. Or when the random village idiot decides to come over and point out to me that i'm fat.. still don't understand that mental defect in some people..

    Overall I'd pretty much started getting along with myself in my 20's, bumping into this place and seeing the community itself also helped give me a new perspective on things as well, call it more pride or courage..

    In the past I would bite my tounge and just live with it. Today.. if it pee's me off I'm vocal about it, stupid things like waiting rooms with chairs that I can't fit in.. or outdoor patios with those horrid plastic chairs, I will ask "if they have a chair my ass can fit in, or something I won't crush in 30 seconds". I don't have any more reservation in pointing out that "I'm fat" and stop standing in the middle of the aisle staring into space like a daft moron and move so I can get by..

    Over time the more I changed, the more I've also noticed that the body image stigma that fat people get pushed into thier minds, also exists for thin and average people as well, our preconceptions as "being fat" and living in those shoes all our lives kind of puts a bit of a blinder effect, that we don't notice that what we assume as the "people who have it easy" don't really have it easy like we think they do. That was also probably the point where I could say my mind wasn't preoccupied with stupidity so I actually started to notice that I do occasionally bump into women who seem to be attracted to the bigger guy.

    As far as society goes.. f them.. People driving well over the speed limit and killing.. cars have been fully capable of having their top speed limited for almost 80 years, today it's a simple matter of 1 setting in the software.. yet cars can go 2x the speed limit.. people sitting in tanning booths, or consuming food/medication the we know will cause cancer.. unprotected sex with random strangers leading to incurable diseases etc.. etc.. I see pity and ribbon campaigns for these things when all of these amount to the same "choices" that fat people are supposedly guilty of..why should anyone care what society thinks..
     
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  10. Dec 21, 2012 #10

    loopytheone

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    Hey there hun. I have met plenty of big people who want to lose weight and if that is what makes them happy, makes them feel fitter and healthier and happier then I would support them entirely. As I'm sure anybody who cares about you would, regardless of their preference in size. You are most attractive when you are feeling happy and healthy and confident, whatever size that might occur at.

    For a very long time I thought that nobody could find me physically attractive, and I still get the odd moment of self doubt even now. But I'm 40lbs heavier and a hell of a lot more secure and confident now and that is why I don't diet or anything. For me, it has nothing to do with having suitors or people tell me I'm attractive and everything to do with how attractive and happy I feel with myself.

    As for when I became accepting of my body, that would have been these last few months and it is still something I am working on. I used to starve myself down and then give up and eat again and although I was of a normal weight I used to see myself as being huge and although I've always found BBW and BHM attractive the sight of fat on be mad be feel disgusting and malformed. So a couple of years back I dieted and starved until I was so thin I couldn't sit down or lie on my back without cushions because I was lying straight on my bones. I would have carried on but I happened to eat some bread at a party and it set me off into a cycle of binge eating and purging and I slowly gained weight. It felt horrible at first but as I recovered from that I realised I could never starve myself again and had to eat whatever I was given by my mother. She still makes all my food for me, but I've come to accept that this body is plump and healthy the way it is and despite my previous thinkings I am beautiful just like this.

    Sorry, this was a huge reply but hopefully that helps answer your questions from my point of view.
     
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  11. Dec 21, 2012 #11

    seeker421

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    Interesting topic

    I was a fat kid and when in my early teens I started working out heavily. Instead of getting skinny I became a big, strong fat guy. I realized sometime in my mid thirties that no matter what I might do that the word 'fat' is one that will always apply to me. Strangely enough I found that when I simply accepted the notion that I will never be a skinny guy I found it a lot easier to have a social life.

    I've come to realize that being unconventional is an advantage for me. My relationships are simpler because my friends know exactly who I am and that I'm not struggling to be anything I'm not. The biggest thing I've learned is that I don't have to make time for people who can't accept me as I am.
     
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  12. Dec 21, 2012 #12

    The Dark Lady

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    Got some dark desire?

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    Wait a minute . . . you're saying you have a man???
     
  13. Dec 21, 2012 #13

    Tad

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    I think some of this is really a general issue with having been rejected and belittled, with being fat just being one specific case.

    (small wall of text: People have had this happen to them for any number of appearance issues (club foot, squinty eyes, bad acne, short), for race, even for gender (or in a twist on that one, for girls if they developed 'too early' or 'too late' or not in the 'right' way...) And of course it happens for all sorts of non-physical reasons too--the boy who could never sit still or be quiet, the girl with braying laugh, too keen of a student, a stutter, being to nerdy........
    TL;DR: in short, we humans have never lacked for reasons to be rough on each other, and sometimes that even happens in families.)

    When you've lived with that for years, most people will internalize it, and accept that it is wrong, that they are less then others because they are X. Especially if you got it from family too. It just becomes part of your world view: you are not as good because you stammer, because you wear glasses, because you are fat, etc.

    It is hard enough to really, truly, convince yourself that THEY WERE ALL WRONG and there is nothing wrong with the way you were/are. I think maybe most people never really do get all the way there.

    How much harder to have someone then say: not only is this thing OK, it is actually good! To be told that they like you for the thing that you know is your worst, most shameful weakness? Brutal.

    So, don't beat yourself up if you find it hard to get used to it--it IS hard.

    On the other hand, you have a choice to make. Do you want to continue to be at war with your body, to treat the way that you seem to naturally be (since childhood!) as 'bad' and possibly outright shameful? Or would you like to aim to accept it the same way you probably accept your eye colour or the shape of your feet? Or do you want to be able to come to enjoy it, the way you might your height or (some other feature that generally gets viewed favorably?)

    Changing how you view aspects of yourself is hard, hard, hard. But it is pretty much impossible if you don't want to change it, and it is very unlikely if you don't make a concerted effort to change it.

    So, how do you WANT to feel about your body, and what are you willing to do, or to give up, in order to feel that way?
     
  14. Dec 22, 2012 #14

    Librarygirl

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    What a fantastic reply. I think this is so true, and ties in with what others have said. Apart from super-confident people (some of whom have a very real flaw in that they cannot see ANYTHING wrong with themselves or their behaviour at any time, which is a whole other issue and one which ultimately does not make for them having fulfilling lives/relationships), who does not have some kind of self-perpetuating inner belief, some label which they were given and which they have become stuck with? As you say, it may relate to appearance or to personality - e.g. getting labelled as the quiet / shy one, frivolous one or whatever

    The key point for everyone, whether weight or something else is the issue, is as you say to challenge your own perception. I think this has an effect on how you come across to others - if you don't act as though a feature of yourself is a flaw or problem, others are less likely to make an issue of it. And it is maybe a case of 'faking it till you make it'.

    Has anyone read Ruiz's "The Four Agreements"? Parts of this are kind of strange, but it does, when you think about it make a lot of sense. One thing that this tackles is the idea of 'agreements', views of ourselves that have come about over the years and through what others have said and beliefs we have had, which then become fixed and internalized...BUT can be challenged. I'm getting over a migraine and am not at my most articulate right now, but it's worth a read to anyone feeling thoughtful about this kind of thing. There's a lot of good stuff on how you choose how you react to others and how their words and actions make you feel too. It is quite liberating.

    I appreciate that for someone to like you for something you consider a flaw must be incredibly hard, but i think you have to take it as the ultimate sign that they accept and truly love you for exactly who you are, unconditionally. On the flip side, I think you know that someone is no kind of friend and quite toxic when they try and make you feel bad for something they are only too aware you perceive as a weak point. Someone did this to me, not about an appearance thing, but about something else I was self-conscious / embarrassed about and it was this that finally proved to me just how wrong I had been to open myself up to this person and to continue any kind of relationship with them. It is a wonderful thing for someone to love you for your real self, maybe more than you even do yourself.
     
  15. Dec 23, 2012 #15

    jigenbakuda

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    I feel as if I am overlooked by the majority of females I encounter in daily life. I think this comes from various factors, but one of them is being a BHM. I don't get out enough, but just seeing the way women react to me, and how they react to my friends is a world of difference. A lot of women avoid my eye contact, and that hurts sometimes. If for no other reason that women drool over my brother.

    I was teased when I was a child, but in high school I was popular because I was a jock. Most people never bring up my weight, so I am not sure how people feel about my body image currently. I know how I feel, I hate it so much, but I used to decide for other people that I was unattractive, but now I want to start letting other people decide if they think I'm attractive or not. I want a woman to reject me, instead of me just assuming that she won't like me.

    Because like everything, most of my issues are based on feelings I have about myself, and not the feelings of others. Plus a nasty case of conformation bias (which is you only pay attention to things that support your views and ignore the things that do not).

    So in short I hate being a BHM, but I am what I am. I am assuming what society thinks of me without asking it what it thinks. I am starting to discover that there are people who like my body type, so my next move is to try to surround myself with them.
     
  16. Dec 23, 2012 #16

    BLK360

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    You seem to have your own plan, and I don't mean to act as if I know better, I just want to give a bit of my own experience. The general public see large men as slobbish, and disgusting, that's just how it is. It's a normal response and it's hard to change something like that, unless you show them you're more than that.

    I literally have a friend who has a phobia of fat people, and when we first met, he hated me entirely. It was a condition stemming from his issues with his own father. I can't remember why or how it happened, but we were forced to spend time together, and because of mutual interest, he eventually stopped actually seeing me as fat (or so he described to me later).

    In the end, really I guess what I'm saying is, we're all kind of like Shrek. Does that make sense? Just because you're and ogre, doesn't mean people won't love you. Fuck, look at Ralphie May, that guy basically made America love him.

    (Just woke up, only read the last post, just realized the majority of what I have said is redundant to the largest portion of responses in this thread, doh.)
     
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  17. Dec 23, 2012 #17

    ColeR91

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    I like many struggled with this quite a bit, & honestly sometimes I still do. I've been overweight my whole life, I hated it, often hated myself for it. I grew up profoundly insecure. I isolated myself to a point where my mother compelled me to see a psychiatrist, I was subsequently put in a youth psychiatric unit as an inpatient.

    I don't know what it was, change is not instant nor is it linear, however after my year there, I had grown. Maybe it was sharing life with people who had there own quirks or the slew on compliments & strong advise from admirable people who honestly wished you the best, but suddenly I did not put so much weight into what any individual thought of me.

    I feel I am much the same person I was before I went there, but I started to think differently, I felt as though the person I had wished I had been was every bit me. Sure I'm not 7' ft tall & muscle bound, but my focus had shifted not so much on what I was, but who I am. I'll likely never be completely fit, & I certainly won't be able to get rid of my stretch marks or scars, but my family still loves me, as do my dogs, I have friends-decent people. & importantly, I have respect for myself.

    If someone disregards me based on my weight alone, it's not someone I'd care to have in my life, there opinion to me immediately becomes near meaningless. I've come to realize & whole heartedly believe, the one with the problem is not me.
     
  18. Dec 23, 2012 #18

    jigenbakuda

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    I agree with you BLK360. I think most people view me as slobbish, lazy, greedy, or whatever, some of what they think might be true, some might not.

    I was just saying, I'm going to stop assuming people think I'm a slob and act like they don't think I'm a slob until told otherwise. My comments were more about how my mindset towards women should be and less about society at large.

    And remember, ogres are only ugly to some humans... plus ogres aren't ugly to other ogres. I'm on my own personal journey to find more ogres.


    But I think that if you would have said "The general public see black men as slobbish, and disgusting, that's just how it is. It's a normal response and it's hard to change something like that, unless you show them you're more than that.". It would be just as true, and the same solution applies : show them you are more than that... I am a black man, so I'm used to being in a non-privileged class in certain respects of my life. I am also quite sure that despite all the white, black, asian, and hispanic people in america that hate black people, there are quite a few that like black people. This comment applies equally to our large men discussion.

    The older I get the more I realize people are people... some people are assholes, some are loving, and the rest don't care. Its like that with every single group of humans since the beginning of time...
     
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  19. Dec 24, 2012 #19

    rellis10

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    I'm not being flattering when I say this, but Dims was really the catalyst that helped me become comfortable with my body. Before I found this place I wondered if anybody would ever like me, but it was because of Dims that I found my first girlfriend and I still thank her for being the one that showed me I can be just as attractive/sexy as any smaller guy. It took a long time but I am truly happy with who I am now... but like others have said, that doesn't mean that I'm not opposed to changing.

    After this Christmas I'm going to try and lose some weight, not because I'm unhappy with myself, I've been having some back issues and I think losing that weight would help it and my overall health. Whether I do or don't lose that weight, it won't change that I'm happy with myself.
     
  20. Dec 27, 2012 #20

    fat hiker

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    Hear, hear! This is a great thing to do - such 'intentional' friends and acquaintances are an important step on the road to recovery of self and self-acceptance.
     

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