Time to Tell the Tale - Covid, Surgery, Long-Distance, Oh My..

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EnigMattic

New Member
Joined
Apr 4, 2021
Messages
1
Location
Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania
Good morning/afternoon/evening to everyone -

I recently became a member here after many years of being dormant from this site. I have been struggling with a pretty difficult issue and I know that it is time for me to bring this to the attention of a community such as this.

I have been dating someone for several years. Throughout the time that we have been together, we have been in separate states, due to her work schedule and me taking care of my parents, etc. In that time frame, we developed a specific way of doing things together. As we would only see each other two times per month at most, we made the best of each of our visits. When my parents' health started truly declining, the relationship shifted even further to one of very "fat" oriented sexually as well as in our general lifestyle. Each day consisted of eating, sexual experiences, and a lot of discussion regarding weight and how it made each of us feel. After my parents passed away, we really turned it up a notch and we would have sexual experiences several times per day or weekend at our peak.

In 2019, I received a Dear John letter from her explaining that the distance was too much and she wanted to travel, etc. She also indicated that she was uncomfortable in her own skin and I deserved to be with someone who accepted themselves more fully. I fought this outcome and we decided to talk with a therapist. Initially, we saw my therapist one time just to get some issues on the table. In that session, she identified that she wanted to be closer to me in regards to distance and we highlighted a plan so that could happen. We chose Spring of 2020 to make our move.

Just a bit more background regarding her weight before I move forward with the story: She had been significantly overweight her entire life and she had believed that it hindered her from promotions and certain opportunities, due to the way she was treated by others. She had explored losing weight at different times and had done so before vacations to other states or countries, but it never lasted. For the past few years, she had worked as a manager of a shipping company that was very intense physically and she had a very poor relationship with the district manager who would almost verbally abuse her for the responsibilities associated with the store (not weight related).

After the therapy session, we went out to a restaurant and discussed her weight issues, which I fully believed would be brought up in therapy, but was not. She indicated that she did not want to have gastric bypass because she did not want to live under those restrictions, did not want to lose that much weight, and didn't want to upset me and family members who did not believe it to be a good option for her. She did indicate that she started the process for it, but only was going to go through the motions for the therapeutic aspect of it and try to learn how to cope better without using food.

We had a very positive few months before 2020 and were still becoming closer to potentially moving in together. Flash forward to Covid hitting and things really changed. In March of 2020, she sent me a text message and indicated that she had decided to move forward with having the surgery. There was no other warning, except that her family members started telling her that they believed she would die of Covid since she was so overweight. In the meantime, she did lose 70 pounds, just of her own accord, which I had believed that was what she had originally wanted to do.

In July of last year she ended up having gastric bypass. I am not going to lie; I had a very difficult summer - partially related to Covid concerns and issues and partially because of her surgery. Due to the long-distance aspect of our relationship as well as Covid-related travel issues, I was only able to see her a handful of times from July through December. The results of her surgery permeated each of our visits with one another. Even though we were unable to live closer due to Covid and her work responsibilities, we still kept a plan to do so.

She moved to my area about a month ago. Prior to that, we discontinued having sexual experiences for the most part since last summer. Now, we are at a point that I do see her daily, but I am primarily helping her with getting her new place decorated and fixed up. I have gone out to eat with her one time, but it was a very uncomfortable experience - mostly due to Covid and the fact that I had not been out since last Spring to a restaurant.

We discuss often how she feels due to my discomfort with how she looks. I truly am trying to reconnect with her. Once again, for several reasons and not just the surgery, so we did see a therapist virtually for 8 sessions and he was helpful. He indicated that there can be two truths to things, which has helped us to be more understanding and accepting of one another.

I suppose my current issue is this: How long can we sustain this without a sexual relationship? Our current intimacy is just conversation and, while I truly value that, I am concerned that it will not be enough to make us last. She is a trooper with eating and still talking about some of the things that we used to - but now it feels false and forced. Even though I enjoy hearing her say those things, it also has led to a level of resentment, because I feel like it is no longer real. She is aware of my feelings, but I sometimes coat what I say because I don't want to hurt her. I feel even more obligated to her now that she has moved to my area.

I am not even sure what I want to gain from the experience of writing this. I suppose it is just cathartic to write it. I have discontinued talking about this with friends for the most part, because I am embarrassed of my feelings. In addition, I am ashamed that something that I enjoyed so much was something that could lead to someone's illness or death, so I am trying to work through that as well.

Thank you for listening. I at least feel like I am in the right place. And, please no judgment. I understand that it is her body and her choice. I have accepted her choices, but I am having a hard time reconnecting with her on a physical level.

Thanks again.

EnigMattic
 
Joined
Aug 3, 2019
Messages
129
Location
Germany
Thanks for writing your experience, EnigMattic. I can relate to many of the feelings you described, and although I've not been in the same situation (partner getting WLS), I am sure I'd have the same complex combination of feelings before and after. I have certainly been in the situation where the "rest" of the relationship is really great, but we don't seem to be sexually compatible. It sounds like a big change, and in my experience, all big changes need to be grieved. I suspect you'll findthat a lot of people in this community can relate to what you've described (perhaps you've already found this, and thus felt comfortable sharing). Anyway, good post. Happy to chat if you want an ear to chew on sometime.

B
 

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