trouble changing gears?

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njkid

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Jan 3, 2006
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(bkgd: I'm gay, and like BIG guys.)

My situation: I dated and broke up with a rather large guy, about 360, and have since started dating someone new. He trumps my ex in many arenas, but is significantly smaller, about 230. This hadn't presented a problem for me until last night, the first night we attempted to have sex. ::cough cough:: I had some...trouble..."performing," and I can blame exhaustion all I want (it was very late), but I know the underlying cause is more significant: there's not enough fat! :-(

Everything else about our relationship is great, and I want to make it work. Anyone else have this problem? I'm having trouble switching gears from a relationship that for the most part consisted solely of comfortable (fat) sex to a more fulfilling relationship with someone who is physically outside of my typical acceptable-size criterion.

(To further complicate matters, new guy considers himself a gainer, but is currently inactive--and has lost 15 lbs since we met. He gets my brand of "dirty talk" though, which is a plus.)
 

Tad

Dimensions' loiterer
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The great white north, eh?
Fatigue could have played more of a role than you think, because your brain is not as agile when tired. I'd suggest saying something like "Look, this is a big change for me, there are all sorts of hot things about you, but not the same hot things I'm used to mentally reaching for during sex. I've got to reprogram. I think we are going to have to take things a bit slower with lots of foreplay at first, while I practice focusing on different stuff."

Even with the same partner, if you stay together long enough, you'll have to make some of those mental adjustments. Usually the changes happen more slowly then, so you have more time to adapt to them, instead of having to do it all at once.

Also, while your question is as good here as anywhere else, I think, I'll point out a couple of forum changes that might be more recent than when you were really posting here in the past.

- The weight board now has two protected sub-boards: 'erotic weight gain' and 'fat sexuality.' Protected implies that bashing of posts just being of those topics is not allowed. This question might get more answers on the fat sexuality board, as it would be totally on-topic there.

- There is also now a GLBTQ board, so you may want to at least stop by there and say 'hi.' So far it has been more heavily populated by the L and female parts of B, T, and Q, but it is a friendly place (heck, they don't even object to me posting there sometimes, and whatever I could be in theory, in practice I'm monogamously hetero).

- There are also new FA and BBW boards, which are also protected. You probably aren't going to have a lot of involvement with the BBW board, but the FA board might also be of interest to you, and your question would fit in there too.

As I said, I don't see a problem with posting it here either, but I suspect that it will be mostly FA of some stripe who will address it, and you'll probably find more of them on either the FA or fat-sexuality boards.

Good luck making things work out!
 

njkid

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Jan 3, 2006
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Point well taken. I haven't been an active member here, and posted here out of laziness! (Plus, it's the only one I've ever followed). Will def. check out both of those.

Oh duh, forgot. One detail that might make sense. I'm here because I myself am a big guy. ;-) Gotta count for something, right?
 

ESPN Cutie

Missing the South.
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Is your new guy the ONLY non-BHM you've had sex with? I'm wondering because you may not be able to be sexually satisfied/fulfilled without the fat - regardless of how great everything else is in your relationship.

If you have had great and fulfilling sex with other non-BHMs then I would just give it time, and lots of practice, with your new guy. If you WANT to have sex with your him because you desire his body and are sexually attracted to him, I believe it will all work out in time. If this desire is not there at all, I think that may be a warning sign.
 

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