What does one do when she discovers a love of the gym?

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browning721

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I'm certain some variation of this thread content has been posted before by some poor soul that feels as lost as I do but...here it goes. I'm pretty inexperienced in posting to this site, even more so in creating a post that will hopefully garner opinions from people - grain of salt, please.

Recently, my girlfriend of five years has discovered a program at the gym she loves and participates in with more dedication than she ever has any athletically oriented activity before. Not wanting to crush her or destroy her new found love of the gym, I SERIOUSLY curbed my feelings towards her grand reception of a hobby that would potentially end many things I absolutely love about her appearance. I'm pretty concerned about it, however, as I've always loved her bigness and her willingness to accept her big girl future and now see that rapidly disintegrating.

I suppose I feel like the rug was taken from beneath me. Five years ago, I began a relationship with a sweet, kind, chubby girl that hated exercise and loved food as much as I do. I think by any BBW loving man's standards, you'd think you were entering a relationship where your relatively obscure personal preferences would never be threatened. You'd have thought like me - that you've wont the lottery. She's not lost a ton of weight but, from what she's told me, I see no end in sight. She's also begun to watch more of what she eats. That's fine, I enjoy a great salad too but at a steak house? as we celebrate my promotion....? Not my girl!

I don't want other women to think I'm completely selfish and that i don't want anything to do with her now. I love her just the same but to say I lover her body slimmer would be a lie. I'm happy she's happy going to the gym and eating better but what i'm trying to say is i sort of didn't sign up to be with a woman that worried so much about it.

any and all opinions are welcome. i hope everyone has a great week.

Thanks
 

Marlayna

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I'm certain some variation of this thread content has been posted before by some poor soul that feels as lost as I do but...here it goes. I'm pretty inexperienced in posting to this site, even more so in creating a post that will hopefully garner opinions from people - grain of salt, please.

Recently, my girlfriend of five years has discovered a program at the gym she loves and participates in with more dedication than she ever has any athletically oriented activity before. Not wanting to crush her or destroy her new found love of the gym, I SERIOUSLY curbed my feelings towards her grand reception of a hobby that would potentially end many things I absolutely love about her appearance. I'm pretty concerned about it, however, as I've always loved her bigness and her willingness to accept her big girl future and now see that rapidly disintegrating.

I suppose I feel like the rug was taken from beneath me. Five years ago, I began a relationship with a sweet, kind, chubby girl that hated exercise and loved food as much as I do. I think by any BBW loving man's standards, you'd think you were entering a relationship where your relatively obscure personal preferences would never be threatened. You'd have thought like me - that you've wont the lottery. She's not lost a ton of weight but, from what she's told me, I see no end in sight. She's also begun to watch more of what she eats. That's fine, I enjoy a great salad too but at a steak house? as we celebrate my promotion....? Not my girl!

I don't want other women to think I'm completely selfish and that i don't want anything to do with her now. I love her just the same but to say I lover her body slimmer would be a lie. I'm happy she's happy going to the gym and eating better but what i'm trying to say is i sort of didn't sign up to be with a woman that worried so much about it.

any and all opinions are welcome. i hope everyone has a great week.

Thanks
She's making positive changes to feel better physically, and should be supported in this. Going to the gym will make her stronger, and she'll be able to do more. Eating healthfully will make her body feel better.
You're right, the combination of watching the amount and type of food she eats, and exercising, will make her smaller and tighter. If you truly love her, you'll be happy for her. Think about it. Besides, the percentage of people who keep their weight off, isn't high, so in a few years, she may be tired of all this healthy stuff, and revert back to her old ways.
Good luck with your promotion, and realize that a happier girlfriend will be more fun to be with... just not at the steakhouse, unfortunately.
 

petersmyth79

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Please don't take this the wrong way, but if she wants to loose weight you have no right to stop her, not even 1%. However, that being said; have you told her that you love her plus size body? That would be a good start, maybe she would be okay with her size if she knew how much you love her figure. But be careful that you don't start to "talk her into" what you want; be honest and tell her how much you love her figure. Remember, her figure is a small percentage of why you love her and overall largely unimportant.
 

KHayes666

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Go with her, do it, lose weight with her. She'll love you more, she'll feel better about yourself and it'll show in your sex life.
 

loopytheone

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I agree with what some of the others have said. It is great for your partner that she wants to do things to make herself healthier and stronger and if you care about her at all you will encourage these things. Health does not equate to size, she may plateau at a relatively high or low weight.

That said, eating a salad at a steakhouse makes me wonder if she is doing these things with the intention of losing weight and that is something that you need to talk to her about. Perhaps she simply didn't feel like a big meal at that time or she is thinking about becoming vegetarian or something unrelated like that. But she might be trying to lose weight and I would suggest talking to her about it and being honest with her about your worries and your preferences. If she is trying to lose weight because she secretly feels bad about herself then she will need support to tackle the low self confidence. If she does want to lose weight for whatever reason, however, you have absolutely no right to try and guilt trip/persuade/force her into not doing so. It is her body and her health. If you really love her then her appearance will be worth much less than her health or her right to a free and independent mind and control over her body.

To put it another way, pressuring somebody not to lose weight because you like them big is exactly the same thing as somebody pressuring their partner to stay slim because they like it. It is wrong and unhealthy for both of you.

Hopefully you will bear this is mind and be open and respectful to her and things will work out for you both.
 

Ruby Ripples

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Really surprised at the responses on here. Nowhere does the OP say that he has been anything OTHER than respectful and supportive to his partner. He doesn't appear to have pressured her into anything at all. Also NOWHERE does he say that she doesn't already feel "well" and that she needed to "feel better" physically. In fact, his OP makes it seem that he IS a good, supportive, partner - hence his quandary.

And to the person that says "if you really love her, you won't care" blah blah, really? I love my bf but if he changed into the opposite of my physical preference I wouldn't be attracted to him sexually and physically any more. I don't think that would make me a bad person in any way, just a normal human with a physical type preference in a partner.

To the OP, I do agree with one poster who asks have you actually told your gf how attracted you are to her figure, that you love her soft curves and her healthy enjoyment of food? If not, maybe she thinks you would like her figure better if it was slimmer? Maybe cross that bridge first then see what lies beyond it and if you have any decisions to make.

There are SO many FAs on here, married to slim women, some being ex-BBWS, who are hitting on the bbws here as they have what I call the "fat woman shaped hole" in their life. I know this as a ten year member on the site, and it's very sad - for both the men but more for the bbws/ssbbws being led up the garden path by these men.
 

Tad

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I'm a bit confused how this post, from 2012:

This has recently happened to me.

Close to six years ago, my current girlfriend and I got together. We sort of settled into things progressing towards her becoming the large one in the relationship (no qualms from me). In the beginning, she gained quite consistently but not too quickly. I saw it as an opportunity to cook for her often (as I love to) and of course, feed and pamper her as I've always dreamed of doing. Well, after about a year and a half, she began to level off around 225. Just on the cusp of the cutest little waddle, I might add (she's a bottom heavy gal). It was around this time that I realized just how big I had become during what was supposed to be HER gain.

Long story short, she began to really notice and love the big belly I had acquired and begged me not to lose it. About two years in, she expressed to me how sexy she thought it'd be if I were to gain more. Since then, she's embraced me as her 375 pound teddy bear. She's completely obsessed with my enormous belly and constantly reminds me to "take it easy, baby", as it's become a little cumbersome to walk. She's completely in love with my waddle and even more in love that she's the primary cause of it. She has since lost weight (around 180 now) as she says she enjoys the contrast of our bodies this way. I know I've never been happier in my life, than I am having my own, physically fit, big booty lover to feed me until I must lean back in bed to accommodate my corpulent tummy.

Oh, how the tables have turned.
And your post starting this thread:

I'm certain some variation of this thread content has been posted before by some poor soul that feels as lost as I do but...here it goes. I'm pretty inexperienced in posting to this site, even more so in creating a post that will hopefully garner opinions from people - grain of salt, please.

Recently, my girlfriend of five years has discovered a program at the gym she loves and participates in with more dedication than she ever has any athletically oriented activity before. Not wanting to crush her or destroy her new found love of the gym, I SERIOUSLY curbed my feelings towards her grand reception of a hobby that would potentially end many things I absolutely love about her appearance. I'm pretty concerned about it, however, as I've always loved her bigness and her willingness to accept her big girl future and now see that rapidly disintegrating.

I suppose I feel like the rug was taken from beneath me. Five years ago, I began a relationship with a sweet, kind, chubby girl that hated exercise and loved food as much as I do. I think by any BBW loving man's standards, you'd think you were entering a relationship where your relatively obscure personal preferences would never be threatened. You'd have thought like me - that you've wont the lottery. She's not lost a ton of weight but, from what she's told me, I see no end in sight. She's also begun to watch more of what she eats. That's fine, I enjoy a great salad too but at a steak house? as we celebrate my promotion....? Not my girl!

I don't want other women to think I'm completely selfish and that i don't want anything to do with her now. I love her just the same but to say I lover her body slimmer would be a lie. I'm happy she's happy going to the gym and eating better but what i'm trying to say is i sort of didn't sign up to be with a woman that worried so much about it.

any and all opinions are welcome. i hope everyone has a great week.

Thanks
Fit together, timeline-wise? six year relationship in 2012 vs 5 year relationship now?

Anyway, if you are still much the larger one, perhaps she is enjoying the idea of being leaner and fitter to heighten the contrast, and to better take care of things that you can't currently?
 

browning721

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Hey Everyone,

Yes, perhaps my math is incorrect in my post from 2012. We've been together five and a half years as of now. I'm 27, she's 28 and I've just graduated with a degree in chemical engineering. I plan on proposing to her pretty soon, she's definitely the one for me.

I'd like you all to know that when I say I've supported her through the entirety of her newly developed love of the gym, I mean it. For her birthday, I mostly bought her nicer sportswear from Dick's Sporting Goods. I fueled the fire, ladies and gentlemen. I've not nagged her about this or coaxed her to reconsider or change her healthier habits she's recently established. I love her the same and I am thrilled she's happy.

All I'm saying is I feel like this unforeseeable course change affects something I love dearly about her - and yes, she knows how I feel about her larger body. I have never once been unclear to her about what I like in a woman's figure and, until now, she fit what I like. I see no wrong in a man seeking out and wanting to keep a woman that loves being the physical type he loves. After all, I do more than your average man to keep the shape I know she likes.

I'm not looking to change her mind and I dont want her to not lose weight if that's what she wants to do. I'm going to marry this girl. I just started this thread so that I might find others that have gone through something similar or, at the very least, people with good opinions.

Thank you all thus far for your comments. I look forward to more!
 

Tad

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So if I have the accumulated story correct, she’s always been chubby, in the early years of your relationship she’d gotten fatter but then dropped back down some. In the meantime you’ve become quite fat, which she likes? In your post in 2012 you even mention liking her being physically fit (although that may have just been relative to you). So I assume your concern is that she’ll drop from being chubby to a more ‘normal’ weight? (and that you are not feeling any pressure to stop being the big fattie in the couple)

I’m curious how much of your concern is strictly physical attraction (what size you find her most attractive at), and how much is more of a lifestyle preference—that you like the idea of the two of you being fat together (even if very different sizes of fat), rather than you being a big fatty with a thin and toned GF/fiancée/wife? (I’m not judging, by the way, just inquiring because I think the two issues have different implications).

One thing to keep in mind is that some people are very much driven by the long-term, others go through periods of enthusiasm about something, then move on somewhat—and enjoy doing life that way, to enjoy something strongly for a while, then find a new thing to enjoy when that begins to fade. Obviously I know next to nothing about your GF, but the angst you are feeling sounds kind of typical for a long-term thinker dealing with someone who has phases, and how she’d let herself gain for a while then cut back would be consistent with that. Something to think about, because if that is how she typically is, perhaps she’ll really enjoy this for six months or three years or whatever, then move on again.

Of course, alternatively, she could have become concerned with how fat and out of shape you are, but since she can’t control you is sort of balancing things out with her commitment to fitness and better health. Again you’d be the one with the observations to know if that seems likely or not.

Another thought is that, if she knows that an engagement and wedding are likely in the imminent future, she might quietly be thinking that she’d like to be thinner for the wedding.

And of course, she could just be enjoying how all of this feels.

Or none of the above, or all of it, or some of that but also other things or……well, who knows what all.

So what do you do about it? You think hard about what is stressing you, concerning you, etc. You figure out which parts you really just have to own yourself, and which should be discussed as a couple to some degree or other. Then you carefully and gently make some observations along the line of “When you eat a salad at a steak house, it makes me feel like we are on different pages about lifestyle.” Or “Much as I enjoy your new tone, I also miss how soft your bum used to be. Just so I have some idea of what to prepare myself for, do you think you’ll ever move back to your plusher old body, or are you thinking this new you is more permanent?” Maybe that is not how you would say things, but the key is not to imply that there was ever any commitment or obligation to stay as she was, make sure it is not accusing or whining…..just a very neutral comment or request for information (voice tone and body language are a big part of that, of course).

And finally, an old saying to think about, because sometimes those old sayings have some truth in them “The mistake men make when they marry is thinking that their wife won’t change; the mistake that women make when they marry is thinking that their husband will.”
 

Tad

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And..... yes, I've gone through a bit the same. For half a dozen years, from starting dating to after we were married, my wife gained weight steadily, happy to indulge her appetite quite fully. I started gaining weight too, my biggest concern being how to find some fat friends as we were approaching the size where having others who would do things at our speed could be nice.....then she decided she'd gotten too big and that we should change our lifestyle to eat healthier, she wanted to lose weight, etc.

She never got back down as small as she wanted, but we did substantially improve the quality of what we eat (for all that our portions are still pretty big), I mostly stopped gaining (have had bursts here and there, mixed with some very slow and grudging losses), and we both do a lot of cycling these days such that she is far fitter than she was when she was similar to her current size when we got married.

Her decision did throw me for a loop for a while, because I had a whole pile of assumptions and expectations, and it took me a while to give those up, and I admit I gave up some of them only grudgingly, but I did eventually realize that I'd built some of those on only the slenderest of evidence, mixed with a lot of misconceptions and some wishful thinking.

In the end, I go back to what the Rolling Stones sang: "You can't always get what you want.....but if you try sometimes, you might find, you get what you need." I didn't end up with the paradise of food and fat that I'd expected, but I got a pretty darned good life that is probably broader in a figurative sense, so it probably worked out for the best, whether or not it is what I would have chosen.
 

Jah

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I've been on both sides of this. I recommend that you fully support her in whatever she wants to do. To encourage her into a stereotypical fat persons lifestyle when she doesn't want it would be cruel. For years me and my husband argued about that kind of thing. He wanted someone to live and enjoy the fat lifestyle with him and I always wanted an active lifestyle. It took us years to finally come to the agreement that we can choose to do whatever we want with our bodies. I get my exercise and he gets to sit on the couch for hours. We accept and celebrate our differences in our own special ways. Besides, I think you'll find as she gets smaller you will adjust your preference anyway, love does that.
 

loopytheone

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I didn't intend to imply he was doing something wrong, just warning him of what not to do. Sorry if that didn't come through correctly.

I also never said she wasn't healthy. Health is something that can always be improved, you don't have to 'unhealthy' to want to improve your health.

As for the attraction thing, to me, true love is loving somebody for who they are as a person, not what they look like. I mean, most 20 year olds wouldn't find a 70 year old attractive but if you stay together for 50 years then your partner is going to be that age, with all the traits you find 'unattractive' now. For me, the same is true of people losing or gaining weight. If you truly love somebody then you will love them regardless of appearance. At least, that is what love means to me personally.
 

Deacone

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If it helps - I am going through the exact same thing. Except I am the girl, and my husband is the FA.

I for one am finding it daunting but all the while good. My husband loves big girls, and I mean seriously he loves it. And at a previous 29 stone when we got together I didn't think of any possibility of losing weight so I just accepted it and put it to the back of my mind. Now after being married for over a year now, I'm getting damn broody - so is he (whether he cares to admit it or not :p) and I'm on a mission to lose weight. I have a love/hate relationship with being big. I love that my husband loves my body, I even love it a little as well - however it stops me doing many things; mainly having a child right now. So that's what i'm doing - I've become a gym nut, watching what I eat and the weight is shifting quickly.

Now I've had a conversation with my husband about the future. We've had a good discussion, a cry, etc etc. He said to me - He will love me all the same, he will be upset about it in the bedroom of course, but he loves me for me. There was I fretting and bawling my eyes out thinking he will not love me anymore if I'm not fat. (I've read far too many trashy magazines where the husband/bf whatever has done just that after a considerable weight loss from the partner).

He is being supportive, but I know it upsets him a little. But I guess if you are constantly intimate with each other - you will either learn to love the new her just as much as you love the old her, or you might not even notice lol.
 

Xyantha Reborn

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I have had friends and family get on the weight loss train. Supportiveness is critical for any relationship period - but you also have to express how you feel in some way.

For many, weight loss and exercise becomes obsessive. All they can talk and think on is diet, cardio, and weights. Sometimes this obsessive attitude can be damaging and offensive to those around them.

My sister is dropping a lot of weight and although ive told her i am happy for her, i am also not willing to listen to her harp on the calories in a can of soda, or tell me an enthralling story of how many situps she can do. Every time you try to turn the conversation, it turns back to weight and exercise. Her new regime has made her impossible to have fun with - we cant go anywhere there is food, she cant even have a drink because the extra calories etc.

My husband lost over a hundred poinds before meeting me. He explained the amount of struggle she is going through, and he confessed although he would like to lose weight, his way is as extreme as hers, and he knows how damaging i would find that. Instead, we are just improving portion sizes, quality, and doing a bit more exercise. Ive already told him i will support him if he wants to lose weight, but i dont want to perpetually hear about it - and he agreed, because the vise versa would be me obsessing about him GAINING weight.

When my husband once snapped at me that i wouldnt find him sexy skinny, and that wasnt fair (untrue), i asked him if he would find me attractive at 300 lbs - and he told me honestly he would not - he kind of got it then. Our weights are a comprimise between both of our ideals, because physical intimacy is critical in our relationship.

I agree with the comments above to talk to her about it. Having had guys get NOT turned on...if she suddenly drops weight and you suddenly cant get it up (hey it happens, eapecially with a strong preference), she may find that incredibly damaging to her self esteem.
 

Dex

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Just thinking this should be renamed the Weight Loss board! Seems as though Dimensions is moving with the times along with many people on here. Give in to the media masses and go to a size zero.
 

ChickletsBBW

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I'm sorry to hear you're having issues with what your girlfriend is doing. I've read all the posts and there's not much for me to add, lots of good advice.

The only thing I didn't ready about what the fact that nobody mentioned about you saying you want to marry this girl, yet you seem to have a problem with her losing weight.

All I know is if I were in her shoes and you didn't love me for WHO I am, inside and outside, I wouldn't want to be married to you because eventually you will get bored and go looking for someone else. I've talked to too many men that have done this and I feel bad/sad for those wives because they didn't do anything wrong, it's just that their husbands are bored and/or upset because they don't like their wife's size (whatever size that may be)

I think you should really think about it again if you think you can love her, no matter WHAT size. And by love, I mean you love her at a thinner size too, and you'd have to be in love with her and love her body and want to make love to her with the body size she has.. sex can be a huge thing for most relationships because you can see all the 'good, bad and ugly' of our bodies being naked as I'm sure can understand.

So just think about that before you ask her to marry you.
 

Deacone

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My thoughts exactly Jon

Dex - sometimes you can be fat and fit at the same time. Maybe we can just love our bodies but decide to not get complete immobile? It's easy for you to say, you don't have to deal with the extra weight, the angst, the tiredness and the aches. So don't be so quick to judge :)
 

bostonbbwluv

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It's good to support your partner's decision to lose weight and get in better shape but generally unless they are having weight loss surgery you usually don't have to worry about them keeping the weight off over the long term, especially if they are significantly overweight. Most people who lose weight usually end up finding it later plus some more. It may not be fair or encouraging but it is usually reality, so just take the long term approach and wait and see while keeping quiet about what will likely happen and be there to encourage your partner during both the ups and downs because that's life.
 

Saisha

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Support her and accept her just like she would hopefully support and accept you in something that is important to you.
 
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