What's pissing you off today?

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Esther

Queen Black Acid
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Think of it the other way - he lost out and you got saved from a lot of wasted time, energy, effort, and emotion.

It makes me feel a little better to view it this way. At least I didn't take the job and then end up in a horrible situation.

*immediately stops reading, puts on ignore list*

Hahaha.

I think a lot of the frustration for women happens when this is a frequent occurrence, and it starts to feel like your friendship just isn't worth anything. In a sort of, "I want you THIS way, but that's the only way."

But...in regards to Esther's case, it's super shitty to lose out on career help because of it. If you offer to help someone, it shouldn't be contingent on anything like that.

^^
This doesn't happen to me frequently, but I find it baffling when it does. I don't feel like I should be treated as if I have done something wrong or offensive by not being sexually available to somebody. I also don't like being treated as if I have been misleading because I didn't mention my relationship - *especially* when the person never expressed a desire for that. It's not like I was avoiding talking about it. It just was not at all relevant to anything we talked about when we ran into each other, nor was my boyfriend present at the time because he lives on a nearby military base. I mentioned it when it became relevant.

The only thing I did wrong here was mistakenly believe that somebody would offer me help without expecting something in return. I should have known better.
 

tankyguy

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His expectations/reaction were not reasonable because he never expressed it to me. He was dishonest, and I was not. I was under the impression that his school needed somebody to work there, he heard that I needed a job, so he offered to hook me up.

So his intention was actually a relationship/sex? How the fuck was I supposed to know that when he approached it as offering to help me find a job? Am I supposed to assume that every person I meet in this country of the opposite sex just wants to sleep with me? Did I do something wrong by not immediately shouting out that I have a boyfriend? I didn't think it was relevant because I have plenty of male friends here, and he didn't act like this had anything to do with a sexual relationship.

It's not for me to say anything for sure; I'm just going by what you said since you're the one who actually experienced this first hand. You have more of the details and I can't have your POV. Also, I apologize if it sounded like I was telling you how to feel. :)

I was just offering my POV as a guy who's been on the other side of similar situations. I do think, again this is just my opinion, that of all the possible responses, him walking away was one of the better outcomes. He didn't flip out and blame you for 'leading him on'. He didn't become violent. He didn't linger and become a Nice Guy orbiter or stalker. By walking away, you don't have to see him or deal with him again (hopefully).


This doesn't happen to me frequently, but I find it baffling when it does. I don't feel like I should be treated as if I have done something wrong or offensive by not being sexually available to somebody. I also don't like being treated as if I have been misleading because I didn't mention my relationship - *especially* when the person never expressed a desire for that. It's not like I was avoiding talking about it. It just was not at all relevant to anything we talked about when we ran into each other, nor was my boyfriend present at the time because he lives on a nearby military base. I mentioned it when it became relevant.

Nobody said you were being misleading or did anything wrong. Again, I apologize if it sounded like I was. I'm trying very hard to express that I don't necessarily believe anyone is at fault.

But I do feel like you're now holding him to a double standard. You say you don't like being treated as if you have been misleading because you didn't mention your boyfriend in the few weeks you've known him, but you feel your ex-friend was misleading because he didn't confess an attraction to you in that same time frame. I don't think that's fair.

Setting aside he may have only developed romantic feelings for you after extending the offer for job help and subsequently spending time with you, I don't think a few weeks knowing someone is an unreasonable amount of time to allow a guy to assess his feeling for someone or get up the nerve to ask them out romantically. I suspect when he was asking you what you did on the weekends, he was about to do just that.

I'm hesitant to automatically attribute malice or dishonesty to any guy who doesn't immediately lay himself bare. Not all guys are brimming with confidence to ask out someone they fancy before getting comfortable around them a while. I'm personally one of them.

I just wanted to better explain my viewpoint. I'm going drop the subject because you know your experience better than I. Just know that I'm in no way blaming you or feel you're at fault and you have my sympathy for a bad deal all around.
:)
 

Iannathedriveress

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I got laid off today at my job because I didn't advance far enough into the position and with fall coming up, they don't need so many cooks.:mad::(
 

Saisha

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I got laid off today at my job because I didn't advance far enough into the position and with fall coming up, they don't need so many cooks.:mad::(

So sorry this happened - been through it and it's rotten. Hope you find something better soon - and make sure you sign up for unemployment immediately!
 

Esther

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But I do feel like you're now holding him to a double standard. You say you don't like being treated as if you have been misleading because you didn't mention your boyfriend in the few weeks you've known him, but you feel your ex-friend was misleading because he didn't confess an attraction to you in that same time frame. I don't think that's fair.

He was misleading because he approached me to offer me an open position at his school - it's not like I was hounding him or asking about it - pulled me away from my job hunt and caused me to stop pursuing other options, then completely dumped the idea when he realized I had a boyfriend.

That is what I am upset about. This has nothing to do with double standards - me not immediately bringing up my boyfriend is *not* the same thing as pretending to help somebody find a job because you want to fuck them, then leaving them hanging when you discover that they are not sexually available.

I was not misleading. I was honest the entire time. He was misleading - not because he didn't "confess" an attraction to me, but because he never actually gave a shit about helping me, he just wanted to help himself.

I understand what you are trying to get at, but trying to paint this guy as the scorned lover is ridiculous. He has not known me long enough to have been 'heartbroken' by any of this, nor did he know me well enough if he didn't even know I had a boyfriend. What this guy did was shitty. There is no way to sugar coat it.

I do think, again this is just my opinion, that of all the possible responses, him walking away was one of the better outcomes. He didn't flip out and blame you for 'leading him on'. He didn't become violent. He didn't linger and become a Nice Guy orbiter or stalker. By walking away, you don't have to see him or deal with him again (hopefully).

I need to address this, too - just because somebody doesn't do something worse does not mean what they did was right!
 

tankyguy

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I have had it with these mother****in' cicadas in my mother****in' yard!

People keep denying climate change, but seriously, these things didn't used to be able to survive in Atlantic Canada. I had to look up what the sound was on the internet because to me it was always the "stock hot summer sound effect they use in movies set in the South". :blink:
 

Amaranthine

Adamant Anti-Nihilist
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I have had it with these mother****in' cicadas in my mother****in' yard!

People keep denying climate change, but seriously, these things didn't used to be able to survive in Atlantic Canada. I had to look up what the sound was on the internet because to me it was always the "stock hot summer sound effect they use in movies set in the South". :blink:

Heh, cicadas ARE the background noise of summer. They're not THAT bad! I remember when I was little, it seemed fun to find the little "shells" that they shed all over the place. Granted, not so fun if you accidentally happen upon a live bug. Those mother(sorry for tainting your post like this)fuckers are huge.
 

Yakatori

Hard to say, really...
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An emergent sentience in insects is taking exception, feeling-somehow marginalized: [ame]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=od-5gCO_PGE[/ame]
 

tankyguy

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Heh, cicadas ARE the background noise of summer. They're not THAT bad! I remember when I was little, it seemed fun to find the little "shells" that they shed all over the place. Granted, not so fun if you accidentally happen upon a live bug. Those mother(sorry for tainting your post like this)fuckers are huge.

The sound doesn't bother me at all. It's the fact they're here now and they're not supposed to be. What's next? Fire ants? Africanized bees? Chupacabra? :eek:
 

Amaranthine

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The sound doesn't bother me at all. It's the fact they're here now and they're not supposed to be. What's next? Fire ants? Africanized bees? Chupacabra? :eek:

That's true...

As for my area, it's been a cooler summer than usual. You just took all our cicadas. I figure humans are inevitably going to stupidly destroy the world eventually...hopefully before insects gain full sentience :blink: Or perhaps that'll be the Earth's way of eliminating the problem, and we'll all be the victims of giant, genius insects. Not the apocalypse I was hoping for.
 

tankyguy

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That's true...

As for my area, it's been a cooler summer than usual. You just took all our cicadas.

We've got a number of weird bugs this year I don't recognize; long black beetles with a proboscis and red wings. Also some type slender green bug that looked like a cross between a grasshopper and a mantis that hopped/flew off my patio, to name a couple.

I figure humans are inevitably going to stupidly destroy the world eventually...hopefully before insects gain full sentience :blink: Or perhaps that'll be the Earth's way of eliminating the problem, and we'll all be the victims of giant, genius insects. Not the apocalypse I was hoping for.

Now you've got me thinking about B-movies and the archive of MST3K I have to get around to watching.
:D
 

Surlysomething

In Remembrance
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So much bullshit and talking about bullshit.

And chew with your fucking mouth closed and for the love of all things holy, I don't want to hear you try and get every tiny bit of yogurt out of your cup. One day you're going to bust through the plastic and stab yourself in the thigh.

Ugh. AND SHUT UP.
 

biglynch

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That's true...

As for my area, it's been a cooler summer than usual. You just took all our cicadas. I figure humans are inevitably going to stupidly destroy the world eventually...hopefully before insects gain full sentience :blink: Or perhaps that'll be the Earth's way of eliminating the problem, and we'll all be the victims of giant, genius insects. Not the apocalypse I was hoping for.

We've got a number of weird bugs this year I don't recognize; long black beetles with a proboscis and red wings. Also some type slender green bug that looked like a cross between a grasshopper and a mantis that hopped/flew off my patio, to name a couple.



Now you've got me thinking about B-movies and the archive of MST3K I have to get around to watching.
:D

Had a fight with a wasp on a train platform yesterday, and I do believe I may have looked a tiny bit mental to the people 30yards away as I punched and swore at what would have looked like fresh air.
 
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