Discussion in 'BBW/FA Board' started by mergirl, Mar 14, 2009.
I am going to take my bbw wife out for ice cream and play that song for her.
I'm afraid I wouldn't have been much use to you in school since I only figured out I like bigger guys when I was 30... Lack of exposure to BHM, I suppose. Stupid healthy German food
I agree with you about the sudden attention, though. Although I have never had a weight problem, my acne took a long time to clear up. Suddenly I practically had guys' attention over night. However, my experience with rejection had already shaped me in a way that I still have trouble dealing with positive attention.
I guess we can't blame our then classmates for their attitude. Looks matter to adolescents, it's just the way most of them are wired. It makes me angry, though, when young and older adults behave no better than kids that age.
Haha. My luck. That's interesting you only became interested in BHMs when you were 30. What changed for you?
Yeah, whether it's weight, acne, being "unpopular", or even being skinny, kids can be SO incredibly harsh. I had the most degrading, sick, twisted and violent stuff said and even screamed at me as a teen, simply for being fat. But it's when it came to death threats and the fear of daily beatings that it really takes its toll on you, emotionally.
I hated every moment of school, but it also helped form me into the person I am today. Through my tortured experiences at school (as well as other life experiences), it's a part of what taught me what real and genuine care, compassion and altruism is, and what it can do for others when it is shown to them. There were many days where I wanted crawl into a hole and die because of the pain of it all. Because I didn't have many people at school in particular to share that same sense of tolerance, care, compassion and dignity toward me.
Through that pain and suffering, it cemented within me what those positive traits truly are and those experiences formed me into the kind of caring person I am today. Because you have to FEEL what it is like and you have to FEEL to empathize with others to truly care about them, and want to help them. It's just a part of who I am as a person. I have had the honour of saving 4 people from killing themselves in my lifetime. Five if you count my own.
This world just needs a little more tolerance, love, compassion understanding and acceptance from others to See and appreciate more people around us. Those school days, and even the days after my transformation were so unfair, but again, from that it formed me into the person I am today. I just do all I can to care for people, and to show others another way and to perhaps broaden their minds to another way of thinking they may have never considered before.
Anyway, I'm rambling and I've gotten WAY off-track, so I digress. lol
Interesting comment. And what I'm about to say could only be said by an FA.
I think that there are people (like me) who would only date a fat person, people who would only date a thin person and people who are fairly neutral about fat. The problem I think lies with societal norms created by the media, doctors telling us that it's unhealthy to be fat, peer pressure and many other things. I think that many people's aversion to fat is something that they have learned. The difficulty for fat people lies with the fact that many people won't date us for fear of what their friends might say and that it's just not the done thing. It's society that has to change. Even those of us who are only attracted to fat guys/girls find it difficult to ask the partner of our choice out on a date. For FA's there can be a great deal of fear about how the rest of the world will react, when we're seen with a fat guy/girl. It takes some of us a while to summon the courage to follow our hearts and date a fat person. Some people never do it. And then funnily enough, some people don't realize until later in life that they're attracted to fat people, because they haven't met the right fat person yet.
I think that things are changing. People are becoming more aware that there are people who prefer fat partners. One certainly sees more girls dating fat guys. There are various clubs and websites these day where FA's and fat people can meet. I think that school days are hard on most of us because of the peer pressure to conform and being to young to really known what we want.
"And then funnily enough, some people don't realize until later in life that they're attracted to fat people, because they haven't met the right fat person yet."
Exactly! I was 30 when I realized it.
However, at least where I live it doesn't look like things are changing WRT girls dating more fat guys. It's more the other way around. In fact, more than one BHM has told me it would be much easier getting a date if they were gay. Thin guys and big girls, yes, but thin women into big men - not so much.
I was thinking about your words, when I wrote that post. In New Zealand no one thinks to look twice when they see a thin girl dating a fat guy but fat girls still get given a bad time. We're often behind trends in America and Europe.
It doesn't surprise me that BHM's have told you that it would be easier to get dates if they were gay. This is true and there are social and historical reasons for it. LGBTI+ dating was still very much underground until the end of the 20th Century. That meant that we had very little time to find partners. So, all sorts of tactics were used to make best use of that time. You may have heard of the hankie code. Those of us with specific tastes would form clubs, so as to meet partners, firstly real clubs, which would meet at gay friendly venues, and later, virtual clubs online. There are many places for gay chubs and chasers to find partners as a result of this. Hence, the comments, which you have heard from BHM's.
You may have noticed that I often compare the gay experience with the experience of fat people and their admirers. Here the problem and its solution are the same for both groups, i.e. how to increase the chances of finding an appropriate partner.
I remember my teenage years and I certainly found some of the fat boys at school attractive. I couldn't let on, of course, about being gay and admitting I found fat people attractive - well people didn't find fat people attractive, did they? I wonder how many of us on this site have had admirers that we never knew about. We have Facebook these days and so we can go back and ask them. LOL.
The intervening variable here imo is that there is a major difference as to what is defined as "fat" for men or women.
For women - in defiance of all "body positivity" and "curvy" campaigns - the required ideal has gotten even stricter over the past decades. A woman is only considered socially acceptably thin/slim with a BMI <20 - meaning trending towards "underweight". A considerable segment of the so-called plus-size models is actually still within the span of what is labeled as a healthy BMI = 25. Nevertheless, they are constantly libeled as "unhealthily obese".
Statistically, in most European countries, women are in a relationship with a "fat" man - simply from looking at the "overweight"&"obese" data the medical community inundates us with. In all EU countries, there are notably more men in these categories than women, often up to a ratio of 2:1.
But hardly anybody considers a man with a BMI 28 "overweight" - it's simply a nice, normal guy, often not even deemed husky. Most men have to be well into the so-called obese category before they get serious flack for their weight.
And from my personal micro-census across the EU, I would also not concur with the observation that there are more thin guys dating fat girls. What has definitely grown in public visibility from my perception is the number of fat couples, where both are objectively big, even among younger people.
@agouderia: I agree, there are more fat (especially young) couples nowadays.
The more I think about it, the more my impression that BHM are faring less well acceptance-wise than BBW is not based on a BMI but on SHAPE. A thin woman dating the teddy-bear type is very much accepted, whereas the male pear shape or a fupa, for instance, are fair game for ridicule.
Being soft seems to be more acceptable for women since we have naturally more body fat and curves, whereas for a man it is seen as a sign of weakness, meaning many women not only deem them unfit partners from the outside but from the inside as well. It sucks and makes me angry.
I was surprised that a couple of weeks ago a friend of mine asked me if I only dated fat guys because I couldn't get anything else. He was surprised to find out that this is not the case, since I dated fat guys in my young and lean days.
Is the difference between how we judge how fat men and women are based on different expectations being placed on men and women?
It would make sense that our expectations of the genders shape our judgment of their dating behavior, yes.
As for the hankie code you mentioned earlier: is that system still in use?
I fundamentally disagree with the statement that BHM fare less well acceptance-wise.
Appearance is always the first and main issue for judging women. The current figure ideal is clearly the "boy with breasts" - as Tom Wolfe put it. Fat/weight shaming for women is a standard way below the level of what would be a BBW in Dims speak - starting about with US size 12.
Before size and appearance are even registered with men they have to be real BHMs -meaning of a considerable size. And there admittedly the big bears fare better than the butterballs or pears do, because they do not meet the standard manly shape expectation.
OK, being somewhat close to the "boy with breasts", I haven't experienced the judgment many female Dims members have. However, I stand by my - inherently subjective - IMPRESSION of my environment.
As far as I'm aware it is not used much these days. It's certainly not used in New Zealand. My hankie was always apricot, because I liked the fat guys, but these days there are much simpler ways of finding suitable partners. The hankie code was developed for underground encounters. I miss the old days. Going out on a Saturday night was far more exciting when there was the possibility of ending up in a police cell. Even then all was not lost. I used to make sure that I was heard saying, "I do hope that the big, fat, ugly one doesn't get to do my body search!" And you certainly know that you're an FA, when you do things like that.
That's outrageously hilarious!
Shotha, I'd love to have dinner with you some day, except I think that I might end up laughing too much to do the food justice. Totally aside from your fantastic fat love, you just seem like a very fun human being to be around.
Back on topic:
- when you take the path right past the beach, in hopes that somes bivger folks are there and not covered up.
- whrn your mental rating of the food options near work includes not just proximity, price, quality and quantity, but also size of staff.
Oo, size of staff, I second that!
You know you're an FFA when you're secretly glad companies don't provide all uniform sizes so you can admire the person in the too-small uniform.
I just like playing out the jolly fat man stereotype. If ever you're in New Zealand, message me on here. We might be able to do that.
You know that your an FA, when you take a calculator to the supermarket to help you to buy the maximum number of calories for your money.
Eyeing up the sweet chubby guys in the office. And the big girls. I'm all for equality
When a colleague calls your wife fat and you just smile.
Here’s what actually happened. A few weeks ago I was at a luncheon event with one of the higher ups in my organization. I was sitting with a few ladies/colleagues, one of whom is an avid runner. She and I were discussing fitness and aging (she’s about 60). I am in my late 30s and compete in judo at 161 pounds. I never let myself get more than 165 or so, and mentioned that when I am ready to cut the weight for competition it’s as simple as not having beer with dinner the week of the weigh in and maybe slightly smaller portions.
I added my poor wife sees me cut 4-5 pounds so effortlessly and gets so jealous. Meanwhile she just drives past a donut shop and picks up a pound or two.
Another colleague was listening, and a guest who was on the other side of her asked what I had said. This colleague turned to her and said, “His wife is really fat and gains weight easily.”
The other women at the table were stunned. The “offending” party blissfully continued eating her meal, not even noticing the other women’s response. The runner whom I had been talking to initially looked back and forth at me and the other colleague (I was sitting next to the her and the runner was across from us) with an uneasy look on her face to see how I would respond.
(Ironically enough both women work in the protocol office of the event’s host.)
I didn’t take offense though. I genuinely don’t think she meant to be rude. She’s a pretty nice person. She’s also from Spain. I don’t think she meant it in a mean way she simply was interpreting what I said in a matter of fact way. This is consistent with other Spanish, French, and Italians I’ve met over the years. They’re less sensitive to certain descriptive words than Americans tend to be.
Separate names with a comma.