Avoiding Bitterness

Discussion in 'BHM/FFA' started by PhatPhilosopher, Jan 12, 2019.

  1. Jan 12, 2019 #1

    PhatPhilosopher

    PhatPhilosopher

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    I’m a 38 year old BHM in the midst of a messy divorce from a decade+ abusive marriage. As I do a post-mortem of the relationship, it becomes clear to me that, while my ex-wife may have loved me for the perfect thin man I could be, she never really loved the actual fat guy she married. As I examine the marriage (the only really serious, long term relationship I’ve had) plus the assorted number of abortive & half formed relationships I’ve been through, I’ve come to realize that no woman I’ve been with has ever accepted and loved me as I am. In addition to my usual bouts of anxiety and depression, I also find myself enveloped within an ever tightening shroud of bitterness. I feel like to much of my past is contaminated with pain and anger & consequently there’s really no way that I can ever develop a healthy relationship with the opposite sex. I don’t know anymore, any thoughts?
     
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  2. Jan 12, 2019 #2

    Starling

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    I hope this doesn’t come across as trite, but you just got out of an abusive relationship - of course your self perception is going to be warped! I would say take some time to take care of yourself and really fall in love with yourself first before you look into new relationships.

    It’s possible in the course of your relationship you lost some of the things that really made you feel like you. Focus on getting yourself back to a happy and healthy emotional place before you look into a new relationship. You are still young, take the time you need to get back to feeling like yourself again and then you’ll feel more empowered to get out and find the woman who adores your body, not just tolerates it.

    Best of luck to you! You are already proving how strong you are by getting out of that situation in the first place! Remember to be kind to yourself and give yourself time to heal.
     
  3. Jan 13, 2019 #3

    loopytheone

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    I agree with Starling 100% and couldn't have said it better myself.

    As you can see here, there are lots of women that would love your body, not just tolerate it. If it will help, you can stick around here and get to know some of the people, especially some of the FFA/BHM couples so you can see for yourself how healthy and loving relationships involving people like you can be. At least, that's the sort of thing I found helpful when I was in a situation similar to yours.

    Pain and anger are normal reactions to what you have been through and are part of the healing process. Focus on getting yourself as mentally healthy as possible and, like Starling said, be kind to yourself. Treat yourself with the same gentleness you would treat anybody else who was in your situation.

    (You can also always message me if you need to talk, though I can't guarantee the quality of my advice!)
     
  4. Jan 13, 2019 #4

    AmyJo1976

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    Definitely! There are lots of women that love your body type. I am proudly one of them! I can't think of anything that hasn't already been said here. Just wanted to post to show my support :) I will say that bitterness sucks, I've been there, but it just makes finding happiness afterwards that much more sweet!
     
  5. Jan 13, 2019 #5

    NaeusofStryx

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    I want to echo the use of support through this community. I think all of us, whether FA/FFA/BBW/BHM, would agree that having people to communicate with about issues that pertain specifically to us has made our lives easier. It's going from being in your own head, thinking you're the only one who's dealing with a specific issue, to finding out that not only do people know exactly what you're going through, they have made it out the other side in a positive way. Post as much as you like. We all love to talk.

    The pain is fresh, and the negative experiences are reinforcing your fear and lack of self-worth. Time and compassion for yourself will help heal, and a benefit of suffering is that it teaches us. No mud, no lotus. You have gained the insight that your former relationships we not holistic: they didn't appreciate every part of you. That's not your fault, so cut yourself some slack. As you move forward, you can be more attuned to how someone values you positively in heart, mind and body.

    Your size can be your strength instead of your vulnerability: it's about perspective. It's what makes you unique. We can always find things we don't like about our bodies, but nature doesn't make mistakes; our perception creates the idea of mistakes. It's important to see the beauty that is already there. As @AmyJo1976 mentioned, there are a ton of women everywhere who are totally into your body type. There's probably someone lamenting right now that they can't find a good BHM to be with, who you'd be their ideal. When you know this to be true in your heart, that you are deserving of love and affection just as you are, the right connection will follow.
     
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  6. Jan 13, 2019 #6

    AmyJo1976

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    Beautifully said! :)
     
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  7. Jan 15, 2019 #7

    BigElectricKat

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    I've been exploring this very thing within myself. Sometimes during a relationship we lose who we are/were in favor of being someone the other person wants us to be. I found that I subverted alot of my own personality in order to pacify my ex-spouses insecurities. Which makes no sense, really. You met me and married as a certain kind of person but then you want me to stop being that same person?

    Much of the advice you are going to receive from various people will be useful. Be who you know yourself to be. Even though we tend to want to fill the void of companionship right away, it's wise to really get yourself straight before allowing someone else to step into your world unshackled by fear and trepidation, that is, to let them in fully without reservation. And to do that, you must be confident in who you are first and foremost. Best of luck.
     
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  8. Feb 22, 2019 #8

    escapist

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    Give it time. It's been years for me and I'm only now truly starting to love my life. I had to make a lot of changes, let a lot of things go, and stop loving myself as a BHM and see for myself that I am more than just a fun fat guy. I made my health a priority along with my family and those I love, hell even my job. I discovered I have more to give (and ask) of myself than I thought or knew possible. I lost 100 lbs last year, I'll probably never be a "skinny" guy, but I can be a healthy big guy and enjoy my life :) Hang in there, down drown in the thoughts of the past and live for the future you desire and work to make it so :) It might not be an easy road but it's totally worth it in the end.
     

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