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What the hell am I?

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Ample Pie

Fattitude Problem
Aug 15, 2006
, Undiagnosed
Here's the soundtrack to this entry (as if I ever do anything without music).

I know it's PC to say that I don't really need a term or label or whatever, but sometimes it feels lonely not having one--not knowing which box to check. So...here goes.

I was born and raised female--anatomically and when it comes to the attendant gender roles. Though, to be honest, my mother never pushed that hard for either my brother or me to take on any specific roles; it's just one of those things that happens in society. When I was 6, I remember asking my mom why I couldn't go outside without a shirt on when my brother could (as could all the boys in my 'hood; I was the only girl my age). She said that I could but that most people think it's wrong because (insert reasons). So, that day, I rode my bike topless all over the neighborhood*--but I remember how scary it was and how people were looking at me.

Of course, I always wanted to be able to pee standing up like the boys, too, but that's a matter of convenience.

However, and I can't believe I'm about to admit this in public, from the time I was about 4 until I was about 9, I used to, omg am I going to say this?!?!?!, sleep with this toy ball in my undies because it looked like I had a penis/testicles and I would pray that in the morning, I'd wake up with a penis and testicles. I think, at this point in my life, I was pretty sure I was meant to be a boy.

Now, I'm okay with having female anatomy (other than the usual complaints). And not since I was little can I honestly say I've wanted to be a male. Though I would like to have my own penis from time to time, I'm happy with the equipment I actually have. I don't necessarily feel conflicted, I just don't feel like one or the other. I mean, clearly I'm female. I mostly present as female and rather enjoy it. Sometimes I mix it up and sometimes I present as male. I'm not a tomboy. I don't like all the rough and tumble things of boyhood. My wallet is pink and says "princess" on it--and I bought it because it delighted me un-ironically. But I am not a girly-girl either.

I don't really feel like I'm either gender or, actually, I feel like I should probably be both. That was another dream I've had since I was a kid--just being both genders/sexes at once. Failing that, I honestly feel like I'm probably a guy on the inside who delights in looking like a girl on the outside...at least that's the best way I can describe how I feel.

Then there's my sexuality...

From the earliest times I can remember, I have loved women. My first memory of the idea of "sex and marriage" involved marrying a woman and somehow the whole marriage ceremony made babies happen--and considering I got the birds and the bees talk early, you can tell this idea was VERY early.

The only times I was EVER attracted to males was when they were gay or when they were particularly girly. As a kid, I didn't know what this meant or how to assign names to it, but as an adult I know that I am attracted to guys who are bisexual (mostly because if they were gay I'd have no shot) and guys who bend gender roles in various ways (you name it, it's pretty much my bag).

On a purely physical level, straight guys only interest me in a taboo "oh, I shouldn't do this" kind of way. I feel like I should explain this better, but I also feel like it's probably a bit too much into the TMI-range if I do, so I'm going to leave it. The point is that strictly straight guys don't do it for me, attraction to them [sans taboo quirk] has NEVER made sense to me at all.

Nor has the idea of being one gender. I don't know what I am.

I'm so lonely, I think I'm going to go insane.
I don't know who I want to be.
Won't somebody introduce me?