Belly Rub for Luck?!?!?

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TraciJo67

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I'm funny about people in my space. Giving a woman an embrace (usually a side-hug) is my way of saying she's okay by me and welcome in my space. To reject this gesture makes me feel VERY alienated and unwelcome, and they'll go straight from "friend" to "just some person" in an instant.

It's emotional and illogical, but it's just how I react to people who overreact to the embrace and the meaning behind it.
I don't like to be touched, especially by strangers. It is difficult for me to hug my own family members. I'm just not at all touchy-feely. The only people that I am completely comfortable sharing my personal space with are my husband and my son.

If someone that I don't know very well tried to give me a hug, I would likely freeze up. I probably wouldn't reject the hug (unless it was from a man who put off some vibes that skeeved me), but it would be obvious that I'm not comfortable. I can't help that reaction, anymore than you can help how you feel about people rejecting physically friendly overtures from you.

I have to admit, very emotive people set my teeth to vibrating. I have to remind myself that this is MY issue, not theirs. People have a right to express themselves as their hard-wired personalities dictate. I have probably lost out on opportunities to befriend some very good people because I couldn't get beyond their outwardly expressive styles. I have probably also been rejected as a potential friend for the same reason. I can be viewed as cold and unresponsive to people who do not know me well, and I have to make a supreme effort to project warmth to other people, especially to clients. It isn't that I don't feel it. It is that I just don't show it, naturally.
 

Canonista

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I don't like to be touched, especially by strangers. It is difficult for me to hug my own family members. I'm just not at all touchy-feely. The only people that I am completely comfortable sharing my personal space with are my husband and my son.

If someone that I don't know very well tried to give me a hug, I would likely freeze up. I probably wouldn't reject the hug (unless it was from a man who put off some vibes that skeeved me), but it would be obvious that I'm not comfortable. I can't help that reaction, anymore than you can help how you feel about people rejecting physically friendly overtures from you.

I have to admit, very emotive people set my teeth to vibrating. I have to remind myself that this is MY issue, not theirs. People have a right to express themselves as their hard-wired personalities dictate. I have probably lost out on opportunities to befriend some very good people because I couldn't get beyond their outwardly expressive styles. I have probably also been rejected as a potential friend for the same reason. I can be viewed as cold and unresponsive to people who do not know me well, and I have to make a supreme effort to project warmth to other people, especially to clients. It isn't that I don't feel it. It is that I just don't show it, naturally.

I wouldn't give you a big ol' hug the first time I met you, but after a few months of frequent interaction I'd do the side-hug thing, look at you sweetly, and say "You know what? You're good people. I like having you around". I'd then remove my arm and go on about my business.

I'm not rich enough to leave you in my will, so that'll have to do as a show of appreciation. :p

Are you sure you're not mildly autistic? It's not intended as an insult, it's just that autistic people I've talked to in depth about their disorder have said similar things. It's not a matter of poor character or intelligence, it's just how they're wired to ingest data presented to them, then react to it.
 

TraciJo67

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I wouldn't give you a big ol' hug the first time I met you, but after a few months of frequent interaction I'd do the side-hug thing, look at you sweetly, and say "You know what? You're good people. I like having you around". I'd then remove my arm and go on about my business.

I'm not rich enough to leave you in my will, so that'll have to do as a show of appreciation. :p

Are you sure you're not mildly autistic? It's not intended as an insult, it's just that autistic people I've talked to in depth about their disorder have said similar things. It's not a matter of poor character or intelligence, it's just how they're wired to ingest data presented to them, then react to it.
I'm not insulted. I'm laughing :D

No, I'm not autistic. I'm just a very classic, very introverted INTJ (if you groove on that psychobabble that is the Myers-Briggs, which, given the field that I'm in, I'm pretty much contractually obligated to pay it credence :D). I also have well-defined spatial boundaries.

I think that there are more people like me out there than you may imagine, Dennis. I responded because I hoped that you'd understand that someone who doesn't react favorably to what you obviously mean with the very best of intentions very likely didn't react consciously at all.

I have a brother-in-law, btw, who makes ME seem like the warmest, most engaging person you'd ever meet. I was laughing at your question because when I first met him (and attempted a very awkward and disastrous hug), I wondered the exact same thing.
 

escapist

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I'm funny about people in my space. Giving a woman an embrace (usually a side-hug) is my way of saying she's okay by me and welcome in my space. To reject this gesture makes me feel VERY alienated and unwelcome, and they'll go straight from "friend" to "just some person" in an instant.

It's emotional and illogical, but it's just how I react to people who overreact to the embrace and the meaning behind it.
It sounds to much like you need the approval. Someones reaction would never make me categorize them just cause they aren't comfortable touch yet. Spend a few weeks touching strangers and you will start to see the patterns form how when and why its ok and how much is ok. Work on building yes ladders of compliance. If you fail to get compliance with your touch its just that you didn't build enough attraction and comfort and they are not sure why you want to be touching them. I'd rather tell a woman I'm gay shut off warning system and build comfort: "If I wasn't gay you would be so my type." The problem is many will assume you want something from them they are not prepared to give you yet. Shut it down, turn it off and then you can then have fun; just be friends, or who knows let something real build for real reasons not just shallow, I'm hot, she's hot BS.
 

Canonista

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I'm not insulted. I'm laughing :D

No, I'm not autistic. I'm just a very classic, very introverted INTJ (if you groove on that psychobabble that is the Myers-Briggs, which, given the field that I'm in, I'm pretty much contractually obligated to pay it credence :D). I also have well-defined spatial boundaries.

I think that there are more people like me out there than you may imagine, Dennis. I responded because I hoped that you'd understand that someone who doesn't react favorably to what you obviously mean with the very best of intentions very likely didn't react consciously at all.

I have a brother-in-law, btw, who makes ME seem like the warmest, most engaging person you'd ever meet. I was laughing at your question because when I first met him (and attempted a very awkward and disastrous hug), I wondered the exact same thing.

My social problems are from a childhood head injury. It was medical malpractice from my delivery. The doctor, through negligence, caused bleeding in my brain. I don't handle loud environments well at all. The louder people get the more I want to run away. I can get overstimulated and overwhelmed by "in your face" people and react badly. It's why I can't debate FTF but I can type out a response fairly well.

When I suggested Autism, it was from a position of someone with a brain-related disability.
 

TraciJo67

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My social problems are from a childhood head injury. It was medical malpractice from my delivery. The doctor, through negligence, caused bleeding in my brain. I don't handle loud environments well at all. The louder people get the more I want to run away. I can get overstimulated and overwhelmed by "in your face" people and react badly. It's why I can't debate FTF but I can type out a response fairly well.

When I suggested Autism, it was from a position of someone with a brain-related disability.
It was a valid question, Dennis. Believe me, I'm not insulted. I understood why you asked.
 

Tad

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No, I'm not autistic. I'm just a very classic, very introverted INTJ. I also have well-defined spatial boundaries.
Traci;

Do you consider this characteristic of INTJ? (just wondering, because my wife is rather like that, and she is a very introverted INTJ......)

ETA: PS. Now I understand why when I read your posts I feel compelled to agree with them so often *L*
 

TraciJo67

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Ed, I'd be careful to suggest that it is an INTJ characteristic -- but I would assume that a higher percentage of INTJ's do have spatial boundary issues than other types. I think that my aversion to touch is probably the combination of a hard-wired genetic trait and conditioning. My parents weren't huggy/feely people either.

In any event, you're a lucky guy. INTJ's rule :D I'm doubly fortunate, in that I'm also married to one. Yeah, we're the life of any party :happy:

Traci;

Do you consider this characteristic of INTJ? (just wondering, because my wife is rather like that, and she is a very introverted INTJ......)

ETA: PS. Now I understand why when I read your posts I feel compelled to agree with them so often *L*
 

Canonista

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In any event, you're a lucky guy. INTJ's rule :D I'm doubly fortunate, in that I'm also married to one. Yeah, we're the life of any party :happy:


So how did you manage to have a kid without letting someone get so close to you? I'm trying to visualize you, your husband, and the trajectory from across the room.
 

grady

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I actually don't mind...sometimes I even charge :D
 

TraciJo67

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So how did you manage to have a kid without letting someone get so close to you? I'm trying to visualize you, your husband, and the trajectory from across the room.
Immaculate conception :D

(We adopted)
 

iheartsquishys

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Are you sure you're not mildly autistic? It's not intended as an insult, it's just that autistic people I've talked to in depth about their disorder have said similar things. It's not a matter of poor character or intelligence, it's just how they're wired to ingest data presented to them, then react to it.
Haha...good call. I'm autistic and I was thinking the same thing when I read that. I'm the same way except rather than my teeth chattering it feels more like my stomach is trying to digest a polyethylene coated steel I-beam. If it happens to be an attractive squishy I get over it much faster but if they're new I get freaked out.

I don't think I could handle it if people randomly came up and started rubbing my belly. That has happened to guys I've dated and I get uncomfortable when other people do it. I get uncomfortable for my boyfriend but also really angry.

I get to do that because he is my boyfriend. Other people don't. Its not theirs to touch. :mad: Not that its mine either but he's given me permission and we have a relationship. It means something when I rub his belly and I don't like other people getting to do that. I try to remind myself that they see it as a casual joke but it still pisses me off. I really hate it when the guy goes along with it like its nothing. He knows it means something and he shouldn't let it happen. I know it seems crazy and that its just me that has that perspective so I should try to see it from the perspective of the rest of the world but I can only change the way I think about it, not the way I feel about it.

The guys made some good points about girls being much more comfortable about touching a guy because of the perceived attitude that guys are more comfortable being touched. I'll have to keep that in mind.
 

Lavasse

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Well I went to the same bar last and no one rubbed me.

Kinda disappointed lol
 

Tad

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The great white north, eh?
In any event, you're a lucky guy. INTJ's rule :D I'm doubly fortunate, in that I'm also married to one. Yeah, we're the life of any party :happy:
Ah, well we are completely different from you two then, given that I’m an INTP :rolleyes: Although I’m moderate on the I and she is moderate on the N, so I end up being taking charge of much of the ‘extroverting’ stuff, while she ends up with much of the ‘sensing’ stuff, so there is specialization beyond the P/J scale.

And yes, upbringing/culture surely plays into the personal space equation too. :bow:
 

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