Snorri Sturluson
Keeper of Hugin and Munin
~BBW (Multiple), Eating, ~MWG - the life and times of a small group of women at Susan Simons and Benjamin B. Welshton University
There is a particular sense of ease that comes from a day at home with nothing important to do and no academic-dooms pending. Susan sat in an armchair in the apartment's living room, one leg over an arm rest, still dressed in rather fuzzy pajamas despite the afternoonish hour, her bunny slippers waggling from her dangling foot.
Holding a soup-mug of hot cocoa in her hands, she looked at her own fingers, thinking on how even they looked thinner these days. Occasionally she'd take a break from mindless ponderings and glance out the window near the front door as snow slowly found its way to the ground, all the while enjoying the feeling of the mug's warmth seeping into her fingertips.
Despite the fact that she was the only one at the apartment - Elise and Ileana were still at Sheila's, Tammy had gone to Scotland for the break, and Terri was at her parents for Christmas and New Years - it had been a very nice day. It had been truly quiet; usually, in the city, even when students had abandoned the town for vacation, there was still the dull roar of traffic from the surrounding roads, the racket of passing trains, and the annoying buzz of electronic gadgets. Indeed, it was so quiet that Susan had the sense of relief that one has after exercising and may finally sit down and recover.
Susan sat there well into the late afternoon and the window that she occasionally looked out had darkened to black, save for the radiant white flakes that reflected the lamplight, gleaming like delightful sparks. Through night's guise a lone figure appeared, walking slowly into the light so that she appeared to have materialized out of the shadows rather than emerged. Hardly begrudging the appearance of one of her roommates - the day had been complete in itself without need for more - Susan quickly got up, went outside, and helped Terri with her bags. Within moments she was inside, shaking off, and Susan had another soup-mug of hot cocoa, with a bit of Bailey’s, ready for her thankful consumption. Before she touched the cup, of course, Terri embraced her friend in a hug.
"Hello Susan. How was your break?" She shook off the snow that had collected in her hair.
Having left to the kitchen to fix Terri something warm to eat, Susan called out, "Fairly good. My mother was thrilled that I have been loosing weight, though she recommended a few diets I could try out, to loose those last few pounds."
"What last few pounds? You're as thin as either Tammy or myself, proportionately, and we're fitness models, more or less."
Bringing out a bowl of tomato soup, Susan smiled at her friend. "Thanks, but what do you mean 'more or less,' you didn't have another cancellation did you?"
Slurping up the tasty treat, Terri nodded. "Yeah, this is the second time this month. That is why I am back early. To be fair, I have been packing it on the last few months. I guess I need to step up my exercise and cut back on the food. My grandmother was thrilled; I am sure she would have thought Molly needed to put some meat on her bones. She is the reason I wasn't able to loose any weight over break."
"How much have you gained?" Susan asked as nonchalantly as she could manage.
Looking down at herself, Terri thought for a moment. "Oh, probably a good 15 pounds." Patting her own breasts, she added, "But these have helped me to keep looking thin and fit. I think they have taken more than their share of the damage. Still, my boyfriend certainly didn't seem to mind."
Susan cocked an eyebrow to signal for Terri to explain. "You know we haven't seen each other since this last summer, right?"
Susan nodded. "Turns out that he had a really nice time planned out for this vacation. For a Christmas present he had arranged a balloon ride over the foothills. He had a basket packed with wine and cheese for while we were in the air. You know the 12 days of Christmas? It was sort of like that, too, only with roses. I actually still have a few dozen down in my car. A few DOZEN. I don't think I've ever gotten six roses at any one time before in my life. And after that... well, I spent the last to days at his place."
Terri blushed as she slurped up more soup and sipped on her chocolate.
Susan, in turn, was a little surprised at what she heard and remained silent for a moment, attempting to wrap her mind around what she thought her friend just said.
"Do you still go to Mass every Sunday?" she ventured.
Terri nodded, so Susan probed further, "But didn't you just say that you two slept together?"
Her friend giggled a little at the idea, probably remembering the time she spent with her boyfriend, before answering, "Oh don't worry. I'll just go into confession tomorrow."
Apparently the giggling didn't agree with her, because Terri sneezed rather violently, spraying a little of her soup onto the coffee table. "Gah," she sniffled, "I still have this thing. I get really sick over break, even had to see the doctor. I was so sick that he was worried about a secondary infection in my lungs and prescribed some antibiotics. Speaking of which, I should take those."
While Terri rummaged around in one of her bags, Susan tried to figure out why something Terri had just said tickled her memory. Unable to figure it out, Susan pushed the thought aside.
Standing back up and swallowing the pills, Terri glared past her breasts and at her stomach, which didn't appear quite so muscular as before. "Man, I really need to loose weight." Downing the rest of her chocolate, she declared, "That is it; starting tomorrow I am on a diet." Feeling rather bad that she was the reason her friend was having a hard time finding work, Susan offered to work out with her. Terri took the offer.
"So, tell me more about when you visited Ileana. You met her brother, right? I bet he's cute."
Susan shrugged. "I guess so, but not my kind of guy." She almost skipped over the rest. "Sheila's boyfriend was there too."
"Oh I've heard stories about her last one. I bet she had to roll him in."
"Hey! That's mean." Susan was surprised to hear herself say as much. "Oh sure, Sheila has put a lot of work into him, but he isn't that overweight."
"Come on, from what Ileana has told us about Sheila, he probably gets tired from playing video games."
As the comment was too true for comfort, Susan ignored it. "He isn't that bad. Actually, he is kind of cute."
Terri looked at her oddly before Susan realized what she had said and hastily added, "If he lost weight, of course. Cute in that potential sort of way."
Apparently Terri accepted Susan's answer, though Susan herself wasn't quite clear on why she said that someone that fat could even be potentially cute. Still, she felt the piece of paper in her pocket. Earlier that morning she had looked up his screen name on AIM. She wasn't sure why she had done that either. Might as well go ahead and contact him sometime, since she did have his screen name, and he wasn't that bad to talk to. Almost interesting, really. She just needed a reason, so she wouldn't appear to be some sort of crazy woman who looks up a guy's information just to contact him when he is already dating someone.
After they talked for a while longer, Susan decided to head to bed early. Elise, Ileana, and Tammy were all supposed to be back tomorrow, the last Sunday before spring classes began, and she wanted to fix a nice welcome home feast.
***
Over the next several weeks Terri was as true to her word as she knew how, so such an extent that Susan and the others began to worry. For most mornings she ate a half of a grapefruit, none on Sundays to make up for communion, half a can of tuna and some saltine crackers for lunch, and she only snacked on celery for dinner. When she was not studying or in class, Terri was locked in the exercise room.
Likewise, true to her word Susan exercised with her friend as often as she could manage. Whereas she had worked out enough in the past to loose weight and tone up, she now found herself becoming rather buff. Up to 123, Susan found her clothes were too tight in ways never thought of before.
Reluctantly Ileana and Elise supported Terri's effort, and Susan's kindness. They both even took over a great majority of the kitchen duties, cooking more in tandem than Susan managed on her own, though if not to the same natural quality.
Tammy also encouraged her friend, though she wasn't working out as often as she used to. Apparently too rigorous of a work out could result in the early onset of arthritis, according to a recent mass email. Besides such considerations, Tammy wasn't as worried as Terri about her figure, despite the fact that she returned from Christmas break without the definition she had several months ago and, as a first for herself, breasts that were safely in the B range. Her metabolism of steel was bending, though as of yet it did not concern her and she seemed to be exercising less often.
By the first week in February Terri seemed to have been utterly successful. All the weight she had put on the last semester was gone; indeed, she had lost so much weight that some of her bones were easier to see. Even her breasts had shrunken enough to be squeezed into a C. Unfortunately the lack of nutrition had also damaged her muscles. Though lacking in fat, she was also lacking in tone.
On a Thursday morning that week, Susan had gotten up early due to a need to spend the majority of the day in the library. The sound of retching echoed from the downstairs bathroom, where she found Terri hugging the toilet.
"Are you alright?" Perhaps Susan might be forgiven for asking a question with such an obvious answer when it is considered how truly strange it is to find a friend, particularly one that seldom drank, huddled over the toilet.
"Yeah... I've just been sick lately."
Again Susan's memory was tickled, as it had been back when Terri had returned from winter break. "Sick how?"
Forcing herself to not be nauseous, Terri replied eventually. "Nothing drastic, just the stomach flu or something. I've been feeling really off lately."
"Is this the first time you've thrown up?" Susan noticed that nothing was in the toilet, "That is, felt like you needed to throw up?"
"Nah... probably about every day this week. I feel better soon after and I haven't had time to get to the student health center."
"Is this every morning?" Terri nodded and Susan stated, rather bluntly, "Holy crap, you have morning sickness. You're pregnant!"
Terri shook her head. "I couldn't be, I'd know. Besides, I haven't had sex since early January and I am on the pill."
Susan rushed to the kitchen and came back with a freshly cut lemon and a few chunks of a chocolate bar. "Here, eat these," she handed Terri the chocolates and set the lemon near her. "Feeling better?"
Terri nodded. "Right. Well, if you remember you were taking antibiotics during the exact same time. Those can mess with birth control. We've been living together for quite a while now, you're period is late, isn't it?"
Terri looked horrified. "I can't be pregnant. I... I just can't."
"Yeah, then this is a miracle because it’s happened. We'll talk about it more later, but right now we need to get you to the student health center."
Terri, who felt a lifetime of improvement since eating the chocolate, obeyed but still questioned. "I'm not pregnant. Besides, even if I am, what is the rush?"
Susan didn't have time to glance back and she rushed to get Elise to inform her professors that she wouldn't be in class. "Think of what you have done to your body this last month. Think of what that would have done to a fetus."
The force of the idea caused Terri to collapse in the doorway.
While the doctors did what they could, Terri's body was simple not in a condition to carry a baby and by the end of the week it had rejected the fetus. When informed of the event, Terri's boyfriend cut off all contact with her; she was not sure if it was out of rage at loosing the child or out of a fear or responsibility.
Given the context of the situation, the University pardoned her for her classes that semester, yet having nothing to do all day was far from a blessing. Terri had come to avoid the exercise room and, with nothing else to do, she ate all day.
Susan was only too glad to prepare any dish that her friend desired, no matter how exotic or time consuming. Elise kept her supplied with a wide variety of books to keep her entertained, though it was Ileana that recommended against giving her Harlequin romance novels.
Despite her own growing figure, Tammy joined her good friend in the only social activity she seemed to do in the days and weeks following the loss of the fetus, eating. Well, that and going to her Cathedral for mass and worship. Ileana even taught Terri how to knit, sew, and all sorts of crafty skills, which up until that point the latter had never considered.
Through all this, Terri ate. Within a month she was back to her Christmas highest and blew past it with ease. By late March a stranger could have hardly guessed that she once was a fitness model. Having rejected exercise and dieting, Terri also rejected her Physical Education major and with the increased consumption of written materials, settled on a Business major instead.
The loss of Terri's fetus was less difficult for Susan only in terms of degree of separation. She could not forget that it was her idea to fatten up her roommates; her cooking that caused the weight gain, which caused the reaction, which led to a drastically unhealthy diet, which led to a starving body rejecting its own child. If she had never thought of such a thing, so hideous and malevolent as it now seemed, then Terri would have never needed to loose weight and as such would have never gone on such an extreme diet.
Her friend was, in most respects, a good Catholic and would have been crushed enough to be a single mother. Yet it was by far the better end, both spiritually and emotionally, than compared to the reality. In shame Susan discarded her plans at subterfuge, yet at the behest of her friends continued to cook large meals. In mourning and guilt she abandoned her own exercise plan and began accompanying her tormented friend to morning mass and confessional. The little boxes seemed so inviting, if only to release some of the self-loathing that weighed Susan down, but that weight was far too heavy for her to move towards them.
Elise, for one, could taste that Susan's heart was no longer in her cooking. For once (at least, for once that she was willing to admit), her philosophy and passion for that field failed her. Immanuel Kant couldn't tell her how to respond at night when she could hear Terri weeping softly into her pillow, so softly that she didn't think anyone might be listening. John Locke lacked insight in how to handle a friend who neither out of hunger nor guilt, but rather a feeling that it was justice, that the encroaching bubble of fat was penitence for sin upon sin. Rene Descartes' descriptions were useless to aid one in finding solace; Elise could find naught useful in Nietzsche.
Without external guidance to direct her own guidance, Elise resorted to the one thing that she had become good at over the last several months, which also happened to be one of the few things that Terri felt like doing: eating. From the day she returned from the hospital, Elise saw to it that Teri didn't binge alone.
She had thought that she knew what it was like to overeat before, but it takes a force of will that she had not experienced before to eat like one driven by consuming emotions. In this Elise was amazed, having believed that one's will was undeniably stronger than one's emotions. Though her passion for philosophy had subsided, in the recesses of her mind she pondered this shift in her own beliefs and reflected on its own implications to the discipline in general. By March, when Terri was changing her major, Elise was amazed at her own gain and reflected on this as well.
Two hundred pounds was nearly forgotten in the past, and though three hundred was unimaginably far away, it was on the horizon she realized. From August to December she gone from one hundred thirty something pounds to nearly one eighty (certainly helped more than a little with the holiday eating). Yet in the following three months she had gained another thirty, giving her a body that perhaps might be easier found on a middle aged woman than a college girl. Still, on some days she could look into the mirror and wonder if a writer, poet, or artist might call her fat and not just plump or quite chubby (she knew full well that a doctor or scientist would call her worse than that).
It was to such a state of mind that Susan interrupted Elise's thoughts. She had been keeping Terri company while she ate (and thus ate herself), but the latter had left to change her major a half hour ago and Elise was still at the table, munching lightly on a fruit salad while pondering the darkest mysterious of the universe and a woman's weight.
Susan had been puttering around the kitchen, not really wanting to do anything (as indeed no one had really wanted to do anything since Terri's gloom had descended on the apartment). "Still hungry?"
Elise hadn't heard at first, so Susan repeated herself. Looking at the bowl, as well as the several empty plates, she thought for a moment. "You know, I don't really remember what hungry feels like. But no, not really." She then scooped up a particularly red and juicy piece of sliced strawberry.
"Would you like me to put the rest of the stuff away, to remove temptation?"
Elise noticed that the sound of turning pages, which had occurred ever minute or so for the last two hours, had suddenly stopped. Ileana was apparently listening instead of reading. "No, that's okay. I'll put it away myself." She patted her already full stomach, which was nearly large enough for her to admit it was a belly.
"You sure? You look full enough as it is."
Something in Susan's tone irritated Elise. "Oh I'm stuffed alright." She gave her stomach a rather satisfying thump, which make a much louder sound than Elise expected.
Maybe she had had enough, but the tone in Susan's voice was irritating enough to cause her to be rather contrary. "But I am sure I can fit another plate or two in." Gobbling up the last few bites, she continued, "Actually, would you mind getting me another plate right now? If I hurry, I can fit more in before my brain realizes how stuffed I am."
Out of habit, Susan turned around to get her friend more food. She was already deep in thought as to what fattening treat to fix before she realized that she was doing what she didn't want to do. It astounded her, that she was so accustomed to fattening Elise up that habit could override her intent. Stopping and leaving the kitchen again, she confronted her roomie. "Sorry Elise, I'm done cooking for the day."
Ileana closed her book, "Don't worry Elise, I'll get you something." She looked blankly at Susan, a surprise to the other considering their sometimes close friendship.
"Thanks Ileana." Elise lifted her shirt and began to rub her considerably firm stomach, for show. "Are you not feeling well, Susan?" For her part, Susan glared at Ileana as she began fixing a meal that was large even by Elise's standards.
"Susan?"
Frustrated that her mind kept wandering, Susan snapped back to reality and focused. "No, I'm fine. It is just that you've already had quite a lot to eat today."
"So, that has never bothered you before."
"You know that isn't true."
Actually, Elise had noticed that Susan's cooking had been going down hill. She doubted that Terri cared how the food she forced down herself tasted, and Tammy barely associated with anyone but Susan anymore, considering that the others were rather larger than Tammy thought seemly. Perhaps Ileana had noticed too, but she had failed to say anything.
Their talk so long ago also came to mind. Some part of Susan did want to make her friends fat, perhaps for reasons that even she wasn't entirely sure of. Truly, there was no chance of Susan feeling like the "fat one" anymore; even though she had discarded her strict exercise regime, that habit too was easier to discard than to break. Tammy still invited her regularly to work out with her, and Susan took her offer up more often than not. But no matter how strong that dark desire had been, Susan's sense of civil and proper behavior was in control and acting now.
"Yeah, I suppose you're right. But what do you care, you're the reason I'm like this!" The bitterness in her own voice surprised her. Why should she be bitter though, she had no reason to dislike her appearance. Even if she was the fattest one in her family. Even if she hated going to the store every month or so to buy new clothing. She still got a lot of looks from boys, and besides, she knew that all women were inherently beautiful. Weight couldn't change that. Though more and more of those looks were repulsed, or wistful of a slimmer sight, and she got called names more often than called for dates.
Suddenly it looked as if Susan hadn't slept in a month. Wearily she pulled out a chair by her roommate - her friend, she insisted to herself - and fell into it. Not looking Elise in the eyes, or even in the chest, Susan mumbled a brief, "I know."
They sat in silence until Ileana set three plates of food on the table and, without looking at Susan, went back to her book. She picked it up and opened it, but didn't read. Elise reached for the food as a matter of course, but like Susan was surprised that habit had overruled her will. Putting the bread roll back down, she continued looking at her roommate - her good friend, Elise insisted to herself - waiting for the explanation that was brewing in Susan's mind.
"I know, and I'm sorry. It wasn't right of me. I guess... I guess I just didn't want to be the fattest one here. After Molly left I was really down, and for some reason making everyone else fat seemed like a good idea. It wasn't right of me, it wasn't nice, and I am sorry." Those last three words were stressed more by tears than by tone. "It's my fault."
Having been too absorbed in comforting Terri, Elise hadn't fully understood the effect that the loss might have had on Susan. She hadn't even considered that Susan would have felt more pain than herself, or Ileana, or any other friend of Terri's.
"If it wasn't for my selfishness, Terri wouldn't have lost her baby. I don't want that to happen to you."
Utterly forgetting the food (well, for the most part, her stomach was quite aware that it was there and, though full, decided it wasn't full enough), Elise hugged her friend. "Hey, no worries there. You KNOW I'm not going to go crazy with some diet. Besides, I don't have a boyfriend either."
"That isn't what I meant. I don't want anything bad to happen to you because of my perverted actions. I don't want you to have health problems, I don't want you to focus on food so much that you're grades slip, I don't want you to become so fat that you're desperate for sex, I don't want you to be a fat slob. I want you to have a happy, full life, and what I've done is... it just works against that. I shouldn't have done this to you, and I can't continue it. Please, let me undo my mistake."
Hearing Susan describe how she viewed Elise put a fire in Ileana's belly. Snapping her book shut with a clap that reached the end of the apartment, she stood and began to bear down on Susan, fully ready to tell her off.
Elise just held up a hand to stop her. She had been expecting this, after all she had purposely tried to push Susan to express these feelings, though it was nothing like the scenarios she had gone over in her head.
Telling Susan to wait a moment, she got up and went to look at herself in a mirror. True enough, she did look like a slob. She still hadn't showered, her sweatpants had been bought long ago and now looked more like tights, and she wasn't sure what color her shirt was actually supposed to be, it was so dirty. Maybe pink? Or perhaps green.
Straining to think back to when it was bought, Elise realized it was white. Nor did it fit very well; how many pounds ago had that been. Her breasts had gained their share of the fat, and were sagging considerably, taking up much of her shirt as a bra (all of hers were far too small and she hadn't bothered buying new ones in quite some time), leaving her belly almost entirely exposed. Stretch marks covered it profusely, making it look like a bloodshot eye. And it was large, much larger than she had seen on other women her size. Undoubtedly from extensive overeating.
Her face hadn't seen makeup in months, her hands moisturizer in since January, and (she realized somewhat sheepishly) her legs a razor. Truly, she was a slob and hadn't even realized it. She hated that she had ever decided to go along with Susan, just to show her that a woman's weight didn't determine her worth. Truly, she hated what she saw with all her heart.
Perhaps if this had happened last December, things would have been different, but as Elise could feel herself being lost to her anger, her mind spoke up, in that far corner where her thoughts still dwelled on philosophy and the idealistic betterment of society. There was a choice; not about being angry, that would happen no matter what, but about what to do with that anger.
Susan wasn't the only one, apparently, who needed to know that the worth of a woman wasn't the result of a physical appearance; the question was if Elise was willing to truly learn the lesson. Her shame at her appearance refused, yet her mind willed it. On her own, her will would have lost, but over the last several months she had forced herself, willed herself, to match Terri's guilt-driven eating spree and provide company to her friend when she needed it most. She had learned to force her will further than she knew, to conquer her body and heart to a degree she did not have before. Shame rebelled, but her mind (and as far as Elise was concerned, that was the same as God) willed it.
Going back to the table, Elise sat down quite carefully, arranging her cloths and flab just so. "You are right, Susan." She was shocked.
"You are right, I am a slob. I haven't realized that I had gotten so bad. Thank you for pointing that out to me. I will definitely have to do something about it."
Susan's face brightened. "So you'll stop eating and loose weight?!"
Elise desperately wanted to say yes but instead, "I never said anything about loosing weight or eating less. I said that I will work on not being a slob, and I suppose the other things you have mentioned. I am not taking care of myself, so that will change. I don't plan on loosing weight."
She swallowed and forced the next sentence out of herself, "Indeed, I plan on gaining more weight. I will just take better care of myself; get myself in order, that sort of thing."
Susan could only look confused. "But you're addressing only the symptoms! Ileana, you know about this! By being so overweight, she is shortening her lifespan! Elise, please lose some weight and pull yourself together."
Ileana did know that the extra weight could very well give Elise a shorter life, and that kept her silent. The guilt of the situation infected her as well.
"Susan, those two concepts aren't dependent on each other. I will improve my health, I will pull my grades back up, I will take care of my appearance," she thought for a moment before adding, "I will get a wonderful boyfriend to make you jealous, AND I will gain even more weight. All of these goals are possible without the exclusion of the others."
"But-"
"No buts. Well, except for mine, since it will undoubtedly grow a fair bit." Elise said it with such force that Susan didn't question it. "Now, I would appreciate your support, but I don't need it. I will complete my goals, and you will see that a person's weight is merely one variable about a person and that it has nothing to do with what sort of person they are."
Ileana peeped up, "I will support you, Elise."
Susan nodded but said, "I'll... have to think. But, well... I don't want you to take the fall for something I did."
Elise gave Susan a look that was far more stern than she meant. "Su?" She looked her directly in the eyes. "Shut it."
Remembering the food, Elise began to eat, taking her anger out on the plates. "Just need a little energy to get ready."
There is a particular sense of ease that comes from a day at home with nothing important to do and no academic-dooms pending. Susan sat in an armchair in the apartment's living room, one leg over an arm rest, still dressed in rather fuzzy pajamas despite the afternoonish hour, her bunny slippers waggling from her dangling foot.
Holding a soup-mug of hot cocoa in her hands, she looked at her own fingers, thinking on how even they looked thinner these days. Occasionally she'd take a break from mindless ponderings and glance out the window near the front door as snow slowly found its way to the ground, all the while enjoying the feeling of the mug's warmth seeping into her fingertips.
Despite the fact that she was the only one at the apartment - Elise and Ileana were still at Sheila's, Tammy had gone to Scotland for the break, and Terri was at her parents for Christmas and New Years - it had been a very nice day. It had been truly quiet; usually, in the city, even when students had abandoned the town for vacation, there was still the dull roar of traffic from the surrounding roads, the racket of passing trains, and the annoying buzz of electronic gadgets. Indeed, it was so quiet that Susan had the sense of relief that one has after exercising and may finally sit down and recover.
Susan sat there well into the late afternoon and the window that she occasionally looked out had darkened to black, save for the radiant white flakes that reflected the lamplight, gleaming like delightful sparks. Through night's guise a lone figure appeared, walking slowly into the light so that she appeared to have materialized out of the shadows rather than emerged. Hardly begrudging the appearance of one of her roommates - the day had been complete in itself without need for more - Susan quickly got up, went outside, and helped Terri with her bags. Within moments she was inside, shaking off, and Susan had another soup-mug of hot cocoa, with a bit of Bailey’s, ready for her thankful consumption. Before she touched the cup, of course, Terri embraced her friend in a hug.
"Hello Susan. How was your break?" She shook off the snow that had collected in her hair.
Having left to the kitchen to fix Terri something warm to eat, Susan called out, "Fairly good. My mother was thrilled that I have been loosing weight, though she recommended a few diets I could try out, to loose those last few pounds."
"What last few pounds? You're as thin as either Tammy or myself, proportionately, and we're fitness models, more or less."
Bringing out a bowl of tomato soup, Susan smiled at her friend. "Thanks, but what do you mean 'more or less,' you didn't have another cancellation did you?"
Slurping up the tasty treat, Terri nodded. "Yeah, this is the second time this month. That is why I am back early. To be fair, I have been packing it on the last few months. I guess I need to step up my exercise and cut back on the food. My grandmother was thrilled; I am sure she would have thought Molly needed to put some meat on her bones. She is the reason I wasn't able to loose any weight over break."
"How much have you gained?" Susan asked as nonchalantly as she could manage.
Looking down at herself, Terri thought for a moment. "Oh, probably a good 15 pounds." Patting her own breasts, she added, "But these have helped me to keep looking thin and fit. I think they have taken more than their share of the damage. Still, my boyfriend certainly didn't seem to mind."
Susan cocked an eyebrow to signal for Terri to explain. "You know we haven't seen each other since this last summer, right?"
Susan nodded. "Turns out that he had a really nice time planned out for this vacation. For a Christmas present he had arranged a balloon ride over the foothills. He had a basket packed with wine and cheese for while we were in the air. You know the 12 days of Christmas? It was sort of like that, too, only with roses. I actually still have a few dozen down in my car. A few DOZEN. I don't think I've ever gotten six roses at any one time before in my life. And after that... well, I spent the last to days at his place."
Terri blushed as she slurped up more soup and sipped on her chocolate.
Susan, in turn, was a little surprised at what she heard and remained silent for a moment, attempting to wrap her mind around what she thought her friend just said.
"Do you still go to Mass every Sunday?" she ventured.
Terri nodded, so Susan probed further, "But didn't you just say that you two slept together?"
Her friend giggled a little at the idea, probably remembering the time she spent with her boyfriend, before answering, "Oh don't worry. I'll just go into confession tomorrow."
Apparently the giggling didn't agree with her, because Terri sneezed rather violently, spraying a little of her soup onto the coffee table. "Gah," she sniffled, "I still have this thing. I get really sick over break, even had to see the doctor. I was so sick that he was worried about a secondary infection in my lungs and prescribed some antibiotics. Speaking of which, I should take those."
While Terri rummaged around in one of her bags, Susan tried to figure out why something Terri had just said tickled her memory. Unable to figure it out, Susan pushed the thought aside.
Standing back up and swallowing the pills, Terri glared past her breasts and at her stomach, which didn't appear quite so muscular as before. "Man, I really need to loose weight." Downing the rest of her chocolate, she declared, "That is it; starting tomorrow I am on a diet." Feeling rather bad that she was the reason her friend was having a hard time finding work, Susan offered to work out with her. Terri took the offer.
"So, tell me more about when you visited Ileana. You met her brother, right? I bet he's cute."
Susan shrugged. "I guess so, but not my kind of guy." She almost skipped over the rest. "Sheila's boyfriend was there too."
"Oh I've heard stories about her last one. I bet she had to roll him in."
"Hey! That's mean." Susan was surprised to hear herself say as much. "Oh sure, Sheila has put a lot of work into him, but he isn't that overweight."
"Come on, from what Ileana has told us about Sheila, he probably gets tired from playing video games."
As the comment was too true for comfort, Susan ignored it. "He isn't that bad. Actually, he is kind of cute."
Terri looked at her oddly before Susan realized what she had said and hastily added, "If he lost weight, of course. Cute in that potential sort of way."
Apparently Terri accepted Susan's answer, though Susan herself wasn't quite clear on why she said that someone that fat could even be potentially cute. Still, she felt the piece of paper in her pocket. Earlier that morning she had looked up his screen name on AIM. She wasn't sure why she had done that either. Might as well go ahead and contact him sometime, since she did have his screen name, and he wasn't that bad to talk to. Almost interesting, really. She just needed a reason, so she wouldn't appear to be some sort of crazy woman who looks up a guy's information just to contact him when he is already dating someone.
After they talked for a while longer, Susan decided to head to bed early. Elise, Ileana, and Tammy were all supposed to be back tomorrow, the last Sunday before spring classes began, and she wanted to fix a nice welcome home feast.
***
Over the next several weeks Terri was as true to her word as she knew how, so such an extent that Susan and the others began to worry. For most mornings she ate a half of a grapefruit, none on Sundays to make up for communion, half a can of tuna and some saltine crackers for lunch, and she only snacked on celery for dinner. When she was not studying or in class, Terri was locked in the exercise room.
Likewise, true to her word Susan exercised with her friend as often as she could manage. Whereas she had worked out enough in the past to loose weight and tone up, she now found herself becoming rather buff. Up to 123, Susan found her clothes were too tight in ways never thought of before.
Reluctantly Ileana and Elise supported Terri's effort, and Susan's kindness. They both even took over a great majority of the kitchen duties, cooking more in tandem than Susan managed on her own, though if not to the same natural quality.
Tammy also encouraged her friend, though she wasn't working out as often as she used to. Apparently too rigorous of a work out could result in the early onset of arthritis, according to a recent mass email. Besides such considerations, Tammy wasn't as worried as Terri about her figure, despite the fact that she returned from Christmas break without the definition she had several months ago and, as a first for herself, breasts that were safely in the B range. Her metabolism of steel was bending, though as of yet it did not concern her and she seemed to be exercising less often.
By the first week in February Terri seemed to have been utterly successful. All the weight she had put on the last semester was gone; indeed, she had lost so much weight that some of her bones were easier to see. Even her breasts had shrunken enough to be squeezed into a C. Unfortunately the lack of nutrition had also damaged her muscles. Though lacking in fat, she was also lacking in tone.
On a Thursday morning that week, Susan had gotten up early due to a need to spend the majority of the day in the library. The sound of retching echoed from the downstairs bathroom, where she found Terri hugging the toilet.
"Are you alright?" Perhaps Susan might be forgiven for asking a question with such an obvious answer when it is considered how truly strange it is to find a friend, particularly one that seldom drank, huddled over the toilet.
"Yeah... I've just been sick lately."
Again Susan's memory was tickled, as it had been back when Terri had returned from winter break. "Sick how?"
Forcing herself to not be nauseous, Terri replied eventually. "Nothing drastic, just the stomach flu or something. I've been feeling really off lately."
"Is this the first time you've thrown up?" Susan noticed that nothing was in the toilet, "That is, felt like you needed to throw up?"
"Nah... probably about every day this week. I feel better soon after and I haven't had time to get to the student health center."
"Is this every morning?" Terri nodded and Susan stated, rather bluntly, "Holy crap, you have morning sickness. You're pregnant!"
Terri shook her head. "I couldn't be, I'd know. Besides, I haven't had sex since early January and I am on the pill."
Susan rushed to the kitchen and came back with a freshly cut lemon and a few chunks of a chocolate bar. "Here, eat these," she handed Terri the chocolates and set the lemon near her. "Feeling better?"
Terri nodded. "Right. Well, if you remember you were taking antibiotics during the exact same time. Those can mess with birth control. We've been living together for quite a while now, you're period is late, isn't it?"
Terri looked horrified. "I can't be pregnant. I... I just can't."
"Yeah, then this is a miracle because it’s happened. We'll talk about it more later, but right now we need to get you to the student health center."
Terri, who felt a lifetime of improvement since eating the chocolate, obeyed but still questioned. "I'm not pregnant. Besides, even if I am, what is the rush?"
Susan didn't have time to glance back and she rushed to get Elise to inform her professors that she wouldn't be in class. "Think of what you have done to your body this last month. Think of what that would have done to a fetus."
The force of the idea caused Terri to collapse in the doorway.
While the doctors did what they could, Terri's body was simple not in a condition to carry a baby and by the end of the week it had rejected the fetus. When informed of the event, Terri's boyfriend cut off all contact with her; she was not sure if it was out of rage at loosing the child or out of a fear or responsibility.
Given the context of the situation, the University pardoned her for her classes that semester, yet having nothing to do all day was far from a blessing. Terri had come to avoid the exercise room and, with nothing else to do, she ate all day.
Susan was only too glad to prepare any dish that her friend desired, no matter how exotic or time consuming. Elise kept her supplied with a wide variety of books to keep her entertained, though it was Ileana that recommended against giving her Harlequin romance novels.
Despite her own growing figure, Tammy joined her good friend in the only social activity she seemed to do in the days and weeks following the loss of the fetus, eating. Well, that and going to her Cathedral for mass and worship. Ileana even taught Terri how to knit, sew, and all sorts of crafty skills, which up until that point the latter had never considered.
Through all this, Terri ate. Within a month she was back to her Christmas highest and blew past it with ease. By late March a stranger could have hardly guessed that she once was a fitness model. Having rejected exercise and dieting, Terri also rejected her Physical Education major and with the increased consumption of written materials, settled on a Business major instead.
The loss of Terri's fetus was less difficult for Susan only in terms of degree of separation. She could not forget that it was her idea to fatten up her roommates; her cooking that caused the weight gain, which caused the reaction, which led to a drastically unhealthy diet, which led to a starving body rejecting its own child. If she had never thought of such a thing, so hideous and malevolent as it now seemed, then Terri would have never needed to loose weight and as such would have never gone on such an extreme diet.
Her friend was, in most respects, a good Catholic and would have been crushed enough to be a single mother. Yet it was by far the better end, both spiritually and emotionally, than compared to the reality. In shame Susan discarded her plans at subterfuge, yet at the behest of her friends continued to cook large meals. In mourning and guilt she abandoned her own exercise plan and began accompanying her tormented friend to morning mass and confessional. The little boxes seemed so inviting, if only to release some of the self-loathing that weighed Susan down, but that weight was far too heavy for her to move towards them.
Elise, for one, could taste that Susan's heart was no longer in her cooking. For once (at least, for once that she was willing to admit), her philosophy and passion for that field failed her. Immanuel Kant couldn't tell her how to respond at night when she could hear Terri weeping softly into her pillow, so softly that she didn't think anyone might be listening. John Locke lacked insight in how to handle a friend who neither out of hunger nor guilt, but rather a feeling that it was justice, that the encroaching bubble of fat was penitence for sin upon sin. Rene Descartes' descriptions were useless to aid one in finding solace; Elise could find naught useful in Nietzsche.
Without external guidance to direct her own guidance, Elise resorted to the one thing that she had become good at over the last several months, which also happened to be one of the few things that Terri felt like doing: eating. From the day she returned from the hospital, Elise saw to it that Teri didn't binge alone.
She had thought that she knew what it was like to overeat before, but it takes a force of will that she had not experienced before to eat like one driven by consuming emotions. In this Elise was amazed, having believed that one's will was undeniably stronger than one's emotions. Though her passion for philosophy had subsided, in the recesses of her mind she pondered this shift in her own beliefs and reflected on its own implications to the discipline in general. By March, when Terri was changing her major, Elise was amazed at her own gain and reflected on this as well.
Two hundred pounds was nearly forgotten in the past, and though three hundred was unimaginably far away, it was on the horizon she realized. From August to December she gone from one hundred thirty something pounds to nearly one eighty (certainly helped more than a little with the holiday eating). Yet in the following three months she had gained another thirty, giving her a body that perhaps might be easier found on a middle aged woman than a college girl. Still, on some days she could look into the mirror and wonder if a writer, poet, or artist might call her fat and not just plump or quite chubby (she knew full well that a doctor or scientist would call her worse than that).
It was to such a state of mind that Susan interrupted Elise's thoughts. She had been keeping Terri company while she ate (and thus ate herself), but the latter had left to change her major a half hour ago and Elise was still at the table, munching lightly on a fruit salad while pondering the darkest mysterious of the universe and a woman's weight.
Susan had been puttering around the kitchen, not really wanting to do anything (as indeed no one had really wanted to do anything since Terri's gloom had descended on the apartment). "Still hungry?"
Elise hadn't heard at first, so Susan repeated herself. Looking at the bowl, as well as the several empty plates, she thought for a moment. "You know, I don't really remember what hungry feels like. But no, not really." She then scooped up a particularly red and juicy piece of sliced strawberry.
"Would you like me to put the rest of the stuff away, to remove temptation?"
Elise noticed that the sound of turning pages, which had occurred ever minute or so for the last two hours, had suddenly stopped. Ileana was apparently listening instead of reading. "No, that's okay. I'll put it away myself." She patted her already full stomach, which was nearly large enough for her to admit it was a belly.
"You sure? You look full enough as it is."
Something in Susan's tone irritated Elise. "Oh I'm stuffed alright." She gave her stomach a rather satisfying thump, which make a much louder sound than Elise expected.
Maybe she had had enough, but the tone in Susan's voice was irritating enough to cause her to be rather contrary. "But I am sure I can fit another plate or two in." Gobbling up the last few bites, she continued, "Actually, would you mind getting me another plate right now? If I hurry, I can fit more in before my brain realizes how stuffed I am."
Out of habit, Susan turned around to get her friend more food. She was already deep in thought as to what fattening treat to fix before she realized that she was doing what she didn't want to do. It astounded her, that she was so accustomed to fattening Elise up that habit could override her intent. Stopping and leaving the kitchen again, she confronted her roomie. "Sorry Elise, I'm done cooking for the day."
Ileana closed her book, "Don't worry Elise, I'll get you something." She looked blankly at Susan, a surprise to the other considering their sometimes close friendship.
"Thanks Ileana." Elise lifted her shirt and began to rub her considerably firm stomach, for show. "Are you not feeling well, Susan?" For her part, Susan glared at Ileana as she began fixing a meal that was large even by Elise's standards.
"Susan?"
Frustrated that her mind kept wandering, Susan snapped back to reality and focused. "No, I'm fine. It is just that you've already had quite a lot to eat today."
"So, that has never bothered you before."
"You know that isn't true."
Actually, Elise had noticed that Susan's cooking had been going down hill. She doubted that Terri cared how the food she forced down herself tasted, and Tammy barely associated with anyone but Susan anymore, considering that the others were rather larger than Tammy thought seemly. Perhaps Ileana had noticed too, but she had failed to say anything.
Their talk so long ago also came to mind. Some part of Susan did want to make her friends fat, perhaps for reasons that even she wasn't entirely sure of. Truly, there was no chance of Susan feeling like the "fat one" anymore; even though she had discarded her strict exercise regime, that habit too was easier to discard than to break. Tammy still invited her regularly to work out with her, and Susan took her offer up more often than not. But no matter how strong that dark desire had been, Susan's sense of civil and proper behavior was in control and acting now.
"Yeah, I suppose you're right. But what do you care, you're the reason I'm like this!" The bitterness in her own voice surprised her. Why should she be bitter though, she had no reason to dislike her appearance. Even if she was the fattest one in her family. Even if she hated going to the store every month or so to buy new clothing. She still got a lot of looks from boys, and besides, she knew that all women were inherently beautiful. Weight couldn't change that. Though more and more of those looks were repulsed, or wistful of a slimmer sight, and she got called names more often than called for dates.
Suddenly it looked as if Susan hadn't slept in a month. Wearily she pulled out a chair by her roommate - her friend, she insisted to herself - and fell into it. Not looking Elise in the eyes, or even in the chest, Susan mumbled a brief, "I know."
They sat in silence until Ileana set three plates of food on the table and, without looking at Susan, went back to her book. She picked it up and opened it, but didn't read. Elise reached for the food as a matter of course, but like Susan was surprised that habit had overruled her will. Putting the bread roll back down, she continued looking at her roommate - her good friend, Elise insisted to herself - waiting for the explanation that was brewing in Susan's mind.
"I know, and I'm sorry. It wasn't right of me. I guess... I guess I just didn't want to be the fattest one here. After Molly left I was really down, and for some reason making everyone else fat seemed like a good idea. It wasn't right of me, it wasn't nice, and I am sorry." Those last three words were stressed more by tears than by tone. "It's my fault."
Having been too absorbed in comforting Terri, Elise hadn't fully understood the effect that the loss might have had on Susan. She hadn't even considered that Susan would have felt more pain than herself, or Ileana, or any other friend of Terri's.
"If it wasn't for my selfishness, Terri wouldn't have lost her baby. I don't want that to happen to you."
Utterly forgetting the food (well, for the most part, her stomach was quite aware that it was there and, though full, decided it wasn't full enough), Elise hugged her friend. "Hey, no worries there. You KNOW I'm not going to go crazy with some diet. Besides, I don't have a boyfriend either."
"That isn't what I meant. I don't want anything bad to happen to you because of my perverted actions. I don't want you to have health problems, I don't want you to focus on food so much that you're grades slip, I don't want you to become so fat that you're desperate for sex, I don't want you to be a fat slob. I want you to have a happy, full life, and what I've done is... it just works against that. I shouldn't have done this to you, and I can't continue it. Please, let me undo my mistake."
Hearing Susan describe how she viewed Elise put a fire in Ileana's belly. Snapping her book shut with a clap that reached the end of the apartment, she stood and began to bear down on Susan, fully ready to tell her off.
Elise just held up a hand to stop her. She had been expecting this, after all she had purposely tried to push Susan to express these feelings, though it was nothing like the scenarios she had gone over in her head.
Telling Susan to wait a moment, she got up and went to look at herself in a mirror. True enough, she did look like a slob. She still hadn't showered, her sweatpants had been bought long ago and now looked more like tights, and she wasn't sure what color her shirt was actually supposed to be, it was so dirty. Maybe pink? Or perhaps green.
Straining to think back to when it was bought, Elise realized it was white. Nor did it fit very well; how many pounds ago had that been. Her breasts had gained their share of the fat, and were sagging considerably, taking up much of her shirt as a bra (all of hers were far too small and she hadn't bothered buying new ones in quite some time), leaving her belly almost entirely exposed. Stretch marks covered it profusely, making it look like a bloodshot eye. And it was large, much larger than she had seen on other women her size. Undoubtedly from extensive overeating.
Her face hadn't seen makeup in months, her hands moisturizer in since January, and (she realized somewhat sheepishly) her legs a razor. Truly, she was a slob and hadn't even realized it. She hated that she had ever decided to go along with Susan, just to show her that a woman's weight didn't determine her worth. Truly, she hated what she saw with all her heart.
Perhaps if this had happened last December, things would have been different, but as Elise could feel herself being lost to her anger, her mind spoke up, in that far corner where her thoughts still dwelled on philosophy and the idealistic betterment of society. There was a choice; not about being angry, that would happen no matter what, but about what to do with that anger.
Susan wasn't the only one, apparently, who needed to know that the worth of a woman wasn't the result of a physical appearance; the question was if Elise was willing to truly learn the lesson. Her shame at her appearance refused, yet her mind willed it. On her own, her will would have lost, but over the last several months she had forced herself, willed herself, to match Terri's guilt-driven eating spree and provide company to her friend when she needed it most. She had learned to force her will further than she knew, to conquer her body and heart to a degree she did not have before. Shame rebelled, but her mind (and as far as Elise was concerned, that was the same as God) willed it.
Going back to the table, Elise sat down quite carefully, arranging her cloths and flab just so. "You are right, Susan." She was shocked.
"You are right, I am a slob. I haven't realized that I had gotten so bad. Thank you for pointing that out to me. I will definitely have to do something about it."
Susan's face brightened. "So you'll stop eating and loose weight?!"
Elise desperately wanted to say yes but instead, "I never said anything about loosing weight or eating less. I said that I will work on not being a slob, and I suppose the other things you have mentioned. I am not taking care of myself, so that will change. I don't plan on loosing weight."
She swallowed and forced the next sentence out of herself, "Indeed, I plan on gaining more weight. I will just take better care of myself; get myself in order, that sort of thing."
Susan could only look confused. "But you're addressing only the symptoms! Ileana, you know about this! By being so overweight, she is shortening her lifespan! Elise, please lose some weight and pull yourself together."
Ileana did know that the extra weight could very well give Elise a shorter life, and that kept her silent. The guilt of the situation infected her as well.
"Susan, those two concepts aren't dependent on each other. I will improve my health, I will pull my grades back up, I will take care of my appearance," she thought for a moment before adding, "I will get a wonderful boyfriend to make you jealous, AND I will gain even more weight. All of these goals are possible without the exclusion of the others."
"But-"
"No buts. Well, except for mine, since it will undoubtedly grow a fair bit." Elise said it with such force that Susan didn't question it. "Now, I would appreciate your support, but I don't need it. I will complete my goals, and you will see that a person's weight is merely one variable about a person and that it has nothing to do with what sort of person they are."
Ileana peeped up, "I will support you, Elise."
Susan nodded but said, "I'll... have to think. But, well... I don't want you to take the fall for something I did."
Elise gave Susan a look that was far more stern than she meant. "Su?" She looked her directly in the eyes. "Shut it."
Remembering the food, Elise began to eat, taking her anger out on the plates. "Just need a little energy to get ready."
