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More reluctance to out yourself as an FA/FFA with lady/enby partners than men?

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Well-Known Member
Oct 13, 2011
So I've had a few different conversations with my fellow bi ladies about this general issue, but I haven't yet had this conversation in an FFA context, and I really want to.

I'm a bi cis woman, and I am way less comfortable flirting with women than I am with men - not because of doubt of my sexuality, and not because of shyness, but because I am far more worried about upsetting women with my sexuality. I've slept with two women in my life, but have mostly dated men, and have only ever been fully honest about my sexuality with men. (I haven't known very many nonbinary folks in my social circles as of yet, and I've met more of them recently so my understanding might change over time. This post mostly talks about "men" and "women", but thoughts on how this plays out for folks of any gender or with any gender experience are welcome.)

I've known other bi/pan women and gay women who say it was a real hurdle for them to get comfortable flirting with women because:
- they've been flirted with and hit on and sexualised in ways that made them feel awful about themselves and the world, and they didn't want to do that to other women
- they've been socialised to expect that men are much more open to sexual advances than women, even when they know it isn't necessarily true
- they have access to lots of examples in the world of how to flirt with men, and they don't know if those are the right ways with women, or they don't like those ways when THEY experience them - but they haven't developed their own social scripts, or they don't yet realise that it might be ok to throw out the scripts

I think this is an additional hurdle for FFAs who are attracted to women. I find myself terrified of outing myself to women as an FFA if I also indicate attraction to them, because I am so aware of what a mindfuck it is to be a fat woman in the world and to navigate sexuality when fat (I'm chubby but not fat right now, and have been "BMI obese" in the past). I've only ever told a small subset of my male partners about my preferences, and I find the idea of telling a female partner really confronting. I know male FAs who are attracted to women have to navigate these questions all the time, and I don't think this is especially unique, but I'm interested in other queer folk's take on this. At the moment, it isn't directly pertinent to me because I'm in a monogamous relationship with a man, but it's a set of challenges that may be of interest to others.

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