Non Serviam
Active Member
[I'm not sure if this is in the right section. I'm sure someone'll move it if it's not. What follows is a little something I wrote about my own experiences, and I thought I might share it.]
A friend of mine is taking a psychology class. She was writing an essay recently about deviant behaviour (aided and abetted by me, who was sitting across the table), and I had a realisation: I think I may be a sexual deviant.
The truth is, I dont know what I am. The one thing I do know is that Im a gynophile. I love women in both romantic and non-romantic senses. Most of my friends are female, and as a consequence (although perhaps not entirely), Im not exactly the most masculine type you could ever hope to meet. I can be a bit camp at times (though not intentionally) and more than once have people thought I was gay, and to be honest I cant blame them. I am by no means a homophobe Ive often thought it might be easier if I were gay, but its just that gynophiliac tendency getting in the way. Im no good at sports; Im much more academic (read geeky). I also refuse to objectify women, even so far as my female friends objectify men. I dont think its wrong, I just dont feel comfortable doing it.
Now we move onto the difficult bit. For as long as I can remember, fat has held a certain fascination for me. My parents, while left-liberals and, for the most part, very accepting, disapprove strongly of fat people. They are not, I may point out, super-fit themselves, and Ive known many overweight individuals (my being from Scotland, one of the fattest nations in the world apart from the USA) who were happy, healthy and contributed a lot to society, as I am frequently at pains to point out to those parents of mine.
I wish to broach a delicate matter here, so forgive me, but what sexuality really comes down to is what you think of when you [insert very British hmp-hm noise here], if you know what I mean. For me, that generally constitutes imagining people fat or gaining weight. These people, male and female, are often entirely imagined (though I borrow real people from time to time) and each fantasy takes the form of a miniature WG story in my head. Its not even always in a sexual context, although usually that happens at some point in the action.
I first found out about FAs and suchlike a few years back. I was casually browsing on what was then a rather smaller Wikipedia when curiosity took me to pages about food, then fat, the obesity, and then, to my astonishment, Fat Admirers. There was a link to Dimensions, and thus a whole new world opened up before me.
However, it wasnt quite as simple as Id thought. What the typical FA was into and what I was into seemed different. For instance, I had no wish to apply this preference to real life. I have a preference for curvier women, perhaps curvier than many might consider, but Id never really want to be involved in (for example) a feeder-feedee relationship. Weight gain fantasy is, for me, just that: a fantasy. I know many others feel that way, and I often wonder how they deal with it. I certainly cant imagine telling my most recent ex-girlfriend about it (she was skinny and not a nice person, for a start), or anyone I know for that matter. Keeping it a secret doesnt bother me, but sometimes I have the urge to share things.
Even before I knew other people did it, when I thought I was a total freak, a one-off, I wrote weight-gain stories. I still remember a line from my very first one, of which I wrote many copies, having the thrown the others away in those post-masturbatory moments of self-loathing. The line was, Theyd called him fat. Well, not as fat as he was going to be. Since then, Ive written dozens of stories and read hundreds online. I posted a story recently for the first time on Dimensions (its called A Visit of Discovery; check it out if you like), which is partly what prompted me to write this.
So, am I a deviant? I prefer not to put myself into a category, much as it might be easier to do so. I think gender and sexuality are fluid things, abstractions, and have a lot more to do with psychology than biology (neither of which is my field, incidentally). The only conclusions I feel qualified to draw are as follows: that sex and sexuality are a buffet (a metaphor that should appeal to readers on this forum) and if you dont want a savoury egg you damn well dont take a savoury egg, but if you do theres no reason to be ashamed. The other thing I have realised is that we are who we are, and to be who we are is not sick or wrong, but beautiful and right, when all comes down to it, it feels good too.
A friend of mine is taking a psychology class. She was writing an essay recently about deviant behaviour (aided and abetted by me, who was sitting across the table), and I had a realisation: I think I may be a sexual deviant.
The truth is, I dont know what I am. The one thing I do know is that Im a gynophile. I love women in both romantic and non-romantic senses. Most of my friends are female, and as a consequence (although perhaps not entirely), Im not exactly the most masculine type you could ever hope to meet. I can be a bit camp at times (though not intentionally) and more than once have people thought I was gay, and to be honest I cant blame them. I am by no means a homophobe Ive often thought it might be easier if I were gay, but its just that gynophiliac tendency getting in the way. Im no good at sports; Im much more academic (read geeky). I also refuse to objectify women, even so far as my female friends objectify men. I dont think its wrong, I just dont feel comfortable doing it.
Now we move onto the difficult bit. For as long as I can remember, fat has held a certain fascination for me. My parents, while left-liberals and, for the most part, very accepting, disapprove strongly of fat people. They are not, I may point out, super-fit themselves, and Ive known many overweight individuals (my being from Scotland, one of the fattest nations in the world apart from the USA) who were happy, healthy and contributed a lot to society, as I am frequently at pains to point out to those parents of mine.
I wish to broach a delicate matter here, so forgive me, but what sexuality really comes down to is what you think of when you [insert very British hmp-hm noise here], if you know what I mean. For me, that generally constitutes imagining people fat or gaining weight. These people, male and female, are often entirely imagined (though I borrow real people from time to time) and each fantasy takes the form of a miniature WG story in my head. Its not even always in a sexual context, although usually that happens at some point in the action.
I first found out about FAs and suchlike a few years back. I was casually browsing on what was then a rather smaller Wikipedia when curiosity took me to pages about food, then fat, the obesity, and then, to my astonishment, Fat Admirers. There was a link to Dimensions, and thus a whole new world opened up before me.
However, it wasnt quite as simple as Id thought. What the typical FA was into and what I was into seemed different. For instance, I had no wish to apply this preference to real life. I have a preference for curvier women, perhaps curvier than many might consider, but Id never really want to be involved in (for example) a feeder-feedee relationship. Weight gain fantasy is, for me, just that: a fantasy. I know many others feel that way, and I often wonder how they deal with it. I certainly cant imagine telling my most recent ex-girlfriend about it (she was skinny and not a nice person, for a start), or anyone I know for that matter. Keeping it a secret doesnt bother me, but sometimes I have the urge to share things.
Even before I knew other people did it, when I thought I was a total freak, a one-off, I wrote weight-gain stories. I still remember a line from my very first one, of which I wrote many copies, having the thrown the others away in those post-masturbatory moments of self-loathing. The line was, Theyd called him fat. Well, not as fat as he was going to be. Since then, Ive written dozens of stories and read hundreds online. I posted a story recently for the first time on Dimensions (its called A Visit of Discovery; check it out if you like), which is partly what prompted me to write this.
So, am I a deviant? I prefer not to put myself into a category, much as it might be easier to do so. I think gender and sexuality are fluid things, abstractions, and have a lot more to do with psychology than biology (neither of which is my field, incidentally). The only conclusions I feel qualified to draw are as follows: that sex and sexuality are a buffet (a metaphor that should appeal to readers on this forum) and if you dont want a savoury egg you damn well dont take a savoury egg, but if you do theres no reason to be ashamed. The other thing I have realised is that we are who we are, and to be who we are is not sick or wrong, but beautiful and right, when all comes down to it, it feels good too.
