The Official Joke Thread :D

Discussion in 'Forum Games' started by Green Eyed Fairy, Mar 16, 2007.

  1. Feb 2, 2016 #761

    FreeThinker

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    Q. How do you get 40 drunken, rowdy Canadians out of a swimming pool?










    A. "Excuse me, could you please leave the pool?"
     
  2. Feb 3, 2016 #762

    Ho Ho Tai

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    Not the answer I was expecting. I thought the attendant would tell them than an American tourist had just pee'd in the pool.
     
  3. Feb 5, 2016 #763

    LumpySmile

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    What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?





    Anyone can roast beef.
     
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  4. Feb 5, 2016 #764

    CPProp

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    Q: What is the difference between Au jus and gravy

    A: About £8.5
     
  5. Mar 5, 2016 #765

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    Clockwork - wind me up

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    When to the butchers today for some bacon and asked for half a pound.

    Lean back, was his reply

    I did and fell over.
     
  6. Mar 14, 2016 #766

    biodieselman

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    A little boy goes shopping with his mother and is waiting right outside of the ladies dressing room for his Mum to come out.

    While waiting, the little boy gets bored and just when his Mum comes walking out she sees her son sliding his hand up a mannequin's skirt.

    "Get your hand out of there!" she shouts. "Don't you know that women have teeth down there?" The little boy quickly snatches his hand away and thanks his lucky stars he didn't get bitten!

    For the next ten years, this little boy grows up believing all women have teeth between their legs.

    When he's 16, he gets a girlfriend. One night, while her parents are out of town, she invites him over for a little action.

    After an hour of making out and grinding on the sofa, she says, "You know, you could go a little further if you want."

    What do you mean?" he asks.

    "Well, why don't you put your hand down there?" she says, pointing to her crotch.

    "Hell no," he cries, "you've got teeth down there!"

    Don't be ridiculous," she responds, "there's no teeth down there."

    "Yes, there are," he says, "my Mum told me so."

    "No, there aren't," she insists. "Here, look for yourself." With that, she pulls down her pants and gives him a little peek."

    "No, I'm sorry", he says. "My Mum already told me that ALL women have teeth down there."

    "Oh for crying out loud!" she cries. She whips off her panties, throws her legs behind her head, and says, "LOOK, I DON'T HAVE ANY TEETH DOWN THERE"

    The boy takes a good long look and replies,







    "Well, with the condition of those gums, I'm not surprised!"
     
  7. Mar 15, 2016 #767

    wrenchboy

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    Three construction workers were eating luch atop a skyscraper.
    Joe complains, "Dammit! If I get another tuna on rye I am gonna jump".
    Steve looks at his and screams, "If I get another ham and cheese I'm gonna jump"
    John exclaims, "If I get another bologna I'm gonna jump."
    The next day Joe looks at his and smiles " Oh, boy! Turkey!"
    Steve looks at his and laughs out, "Yay! Roast beef!"
    John looks at his and jumps.
    Steve looks at Johns lunch, and with sadness ,"Bologna, aw poor John."
    Joe casually takes a bite of his sandwich and says "Don't feel too bad, he makes his own lunch."
     
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  8. Mar 16, 2016 #768

    luvmybhm

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    what do you call a bear with no teeth?
    a gummy bear :p
     
  9. Mar 21, 2016 #769

    smithnwesson

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    Back to the musician jokes.

    An oboe with bad intonation sounds like a dying goose.
    An oboe with good intonation sounds like a regular goose.

    A guy was on safari in the darkest jungles of Africa. It was nightfall and drums were heard in the distance gradually getting louder.
    Guy: Those drums are making me very nervous.
    Guide: There's no problem unless they stop.
    [Suddenly the drums stopped.]
    Guide: HOLY SHIT!!!!
    Guy: What? What? What is gonna to happen now?
    Guide: An oboe solo.
     
  10. Mar 22, 2016 #770

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    A family is driving behind an Ann Summers delivery lorry when a large dildo flies out & hits their windscreen.

    To hide her embarrassment the mother says to the children "That was a big insect". To which the 7 year old son replies "I'm surprised it could fly with a cock that size
     
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  11. Mar 29, 2016 #771

    smithnwesson

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    Myrtle Mae was visiting her good friend, Ethel Lee in Mobile, LA. Myrtle Mae was telling Ethel Lee about her recent trip to New York City, New York.

    Myrtle Mae said, "Why Ethel Lee, do you know that in New York City, they have MEN that kiss other Men". Ethel Lee said "Why my stars! What do they call them?". Myrtle Mae said, "Why they call them "homosexuals"."

    And then Myrtle Mae said, "And do you know that in New York City, there are women that kiss and carry on with other WOMEN?". "My goodness Gracious", said Ethel Lee, "and what do they call them?" Myrtle Mae puffed up and said "Well, they call them "lesbians"."

    Then Myrtle Mae said "And do you know that in New York City, there are men who will kiss you between your thighs?" "My heavens", cried Ethel Lee, "And What do you call them?" To which Myrtle Mae shyly replied, "Well, when he got done, I called him "Precious"."
     
  12. Apr 2, 2016 #772

    MattB

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    If you want to catch a squirrel just climb a tree and act like a nut.
     
  13. Apr 13, 2016 #773

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    Clockwork - wind me up

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    I'd advise anybody against pressing the 'emergency stop' button on a treadmill going at high speed.
    I just did, and the bloke on it went flying.
     
  14. Apr 13, 2016 #774

    CPProp

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    Clockwork - wind me up

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    Teacher; "Can anyone give me a sentence with the word 'pistol' in it?"
    Sophie;... "My daddy is a soldier, he has a suit of blue, he has a sword, a bayonet and he has a pistol too."
    Teacher; "Very good Sophie."
    Johnny;...... "Miss, my father isn't a soldier, he doesn't have a suit of blue, he draws his dole at half past nine, then he's on the piss'till two."
     
  15. Apr 25, 2016 #775

    swamptoad

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    Coworker talking to another coworker: "Hey, while I'm on break, I'll be standing out for a while. If anyone is looking for me while I'm gone just tell them I'm out standing." :D
     
  16. May 19, 2016 #776

    wrenchboy

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    God says to Peter "I want to go on vacation "
    Peter- How about Mars?
    God - No, too hot.
    Peter - Pluto?
    God- I'm not sure it exists
    Peter - earth?
    God- No, too much gossip, I got with some hot Jewish chick 2000 years ago and they are still talking about it.
     
  17. May 19, 2016 #777

    wrenchboy

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    Have you ever been on the road and someone is using their windshield washers and some of the spray hits you?
    That's why I would never want to be in a orgy.
     
  18. May 19, 2016 #778

    wrenchboy

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    I apologize if I or someone else posted this...
    What does a southerner say if he has a deer with no eyes?
    I got no eye deer.
     
  19. May 23, 2016 #779

    CPProp

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    Clockwork - wind me up

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    My baby owl has laryngitis – he doesn’t give a hoot
     
  20. May 23, 2016 #780

    Ho Ho Tai

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    Reminds me of an old Yogi Yorgesson song "I don't give a hewoot"
     

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