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Trying to gain while recovering from an eating disorder

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Jul 10, 2021
Hi everyone! I’m new here and I have some questions. My name is Isabel and I’m 18 years old. I think I have a fat kink. I am a lesbian, and I think I am both a fat admirer and a gainer. I’m very attracted to fat women, but I also think I want to get fat. I’ve been struggling to figure out what’s going on with me for a long time, so I’d really appreciate it if someone could take the time to read and offer advice!

Also, one of my problems involves an eating disorder, so this is a trigger warning.

Anyway, I’ve been fascinated with fat people since I was a kid. I used to love watching weight loss shows like The Biggest Loser when I was about 5 or 6 because I thought some of the women looked really pretty before they started losing weight. I was way too young to understand that I felt attracted to these women, but looking back on it, I vaguely remember thinking they looked cute and being sad that they kept getting thinner every week.

I realized I was gay when I was 15, but the first women I was consciously attracted to were skinny. I have been pretty skinny my whole life, and I actually struggled with a few bouts of mild anorexia in my early teens because I wanted to stay thin. Most of my crushes had the skinny body type that I wanted, and for a while, I thought that being thin was sexy.

At the beginning of 2020 (right before the pandemic lockdowns), I gained a little weight because I was eating tons of holiday food and I wasn’t watching my diet so much. I felt really crappy and insecure about my body, so I started looking at those body positivity Instagram accounts. I came across some pictures of beautiful fat women posing in lingerie and I thought they looked REALLY hot. Suddenly, it felt like some overwhelming attraction to fat women took over in my brain, and I haven’t been able to stop thinking about it. Skinny women just don’t look as appealing to me as they used to, no matter how hot they are.

I was feeling really confused about the topic, so I started reading smutty stories about feeding and I loved them. I also love watching videos of women on TikTok playing with their chubby bellies or trying on old clothes after they’ve gained weight. (For clarification, I don’t use these videos like porn or anything; I just think the girls look cute). I’m not sure if I should call myself a feeder because I’m more attracted to the idea of having a chubby girlfriend than the actual act of feeding. But I really love the idea of watching a girl gain weight, so if a girl wanted me to feed her to help her get bigger, I’d be ok with that. I’ve heard people use the term “fat admirer” and I think that’s the most accurate term for me.

However, I think I’m also a stuffer. It sounds crazy because until recently, I was actually terrified of gaining weight. But when I finally did put on a few extra pounds last year, I ended up liking it in a weird way. At first, I felt disgusting because I was convinced that I had to be skinny to be pretty. But sometimes, it made me feel sexy. I had a little pooch on my stomach, and I would seriously get turned on from rubbing it. I really wanted to see how I would look if I was much bigger. Sometimes I fantasize about being fat and having a fat girlfriend. I don’t really care if I’m feeding myself or if another girl was feeding me; both are attractive to me. I just like the feeling of filling my belly until it hurts. I’m not necessarily a feedee, but I think I’m definitely a gainer.

I ended up losing some weight from stress lately, and now my cute little belly pooch is gone. I’m only 105 pounds at the moment, and even though my doctor says I’m a “healthy” weight, I really miss my heavier body. I want to start gaining weight on purpose. I don’t have a girlfriend, so I just want to gain on my own right now. I’m not sure if I want to go all the way to becoming a BBW, but I’d like to work my way up to at least a size 10 or 12 (I’m a 0/2 right now and I just feel way too skinny). After that, I think I’ll figure out if I want to keep gaining or if I want to stop there.

I already tried to start gaining a few weeks ago, but as soon as I gained a few pounds, my old eating disorder tendencies popped up. I can’t even put on 5 pounds before my brain starts yelling at me to stop because I’m “destroying my body”. I tried to get some therapy for my eating disorder, but since it’s gotten much more manageable than it used to be, my therapist says there’s not much else I can do to get it under control. It only acts up when I try to gain weight on purpose.

So here are my questions:

1. Is it normal to be both a fat admirer and a gainer? In all of the stuff I’ve read about it, there usually seems to be one feeder and one feedee, but it feels different for me. Gaining weight makes me feel sexy, but I’m also turned on by big women.

2. Is it a bad idea for me to start gaining weight while I’m still recovering from an eating disorder? It isn’t nearly as intrusive as it used to be, but sometimes I do still feel extremely self-conscious about my body and my food even though I’m still thin. In a way, gaining weight does feel kind of empowering because I’m fighting back against my anorexic thoughts, but sometimes it brings back my disordered tendencies. For example, I’ll eat a huge lunch, but then I’ll skip dinner because I feel too fat. I know that it’s ridiculous because in the end, the whole point is to gain weight. But I still can’t quite get past the hurdle of wanting to be thin and “conventionally attractive” even though I personally get a lot of enjoyment out of being chubby.

Sorry this post is a bit long - I just have a lot to unpack and I would really appreciate some help. Thanks!

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