Trying to gain while recovering from an eating disorder

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Isabel

Member
Joined
Jul 10, 2021
Messages
14
Location
Wisconsin
Hi everyone! I’m new here and I have some questions. My name is Isabel and I’m 18 years old. I think I have a fat kink. I am a lesbian, and I think I am both a fat admirer and a gainer. I’m very attracted to fat women, but I also think I want to get fat. I’ve been struggling to figure out what’s going on with me for a long time, so I’d really appreciate it if someone could take the time to read and offer advice!

Also, one of my problems involves an eating disorder, so this is a trigger warning.

Anyway, I’ve been fascinated with fat people since I was a kid. I used to love watching weight loss shows like The Biggest Loser when I was about 5 or 6 because I thought some of the women looked really pretty before they started losing weight. I was way too young to understand that I felt attracted to these women, but looking back on it, I vaguely remember thinking they looked cute and being sad that they kept getting thinner every week.

I realized I was gay when I was 15, but the first women I was consciously attracted to were skinny. I have been pretty skinny my whole life, and I actually struggled with a few bouts of mild anorexia in my early teens because I wanted to stay thin. Most of my crushes had the skinny body type that I wanted, and for a while, I thought that being thin was sexy.

At the beginning of 2020 (right before the pandemic lockdowns), I gained a little weight because I was eating tons of holiday food and I wasn’t watching my diet so much. I felt really crappy and insecure about my body, so I started looking at those body positivity Instagram accounts. I came across some pictures of beautiful fat women posing in lingerie and I thought they looked REALLY hot. Suddenly, it felt like some overwhelming attraction to fat women took over in my brain, and I haven’t been able to stop thinking about it. Skinny women just don’t look as appealing to me as they used to, no matter how hot they are.

I was feeling really confused about the topic, so I started reading smutty stories about feeding and I loved them. I also love watching videos of women on TikTok playing with their chubby bellies or trying on old clothes after they’ve gained weight. (For clarification, I don’t use these videos like porn or anything; I just think the girls look cute). I’m not sure if I should call myself a feeder because I’m more attracted to the idea of having a chubby girlfriend than the actual act of feeding. But I really love the idea of watching a girl gain weight, so if a girl wanted me to feed her to help her get bigger, I’d be ok with that. I’ve heard people use the term “fat admirer” and I think that’s the most accurate term for me.

However, I think I’m also a stuffer. It sounds crazy because until recently, I was actually terrified of gaining weight. But when I finally did put on a few extra pounds last year, I ended up liking it in a weird way. At first, I felt disgusting because I was convinced that I had to be skinny to be pretty. But sometimes, it made me feel sexy. I had a little pooch on my stomach, and I would seriously get turned on from rubbing it. I really wanted to see how I would look if I was much bigger. Sometimes I fantasize about being fat and having a fat girlfriend. I don’t really care if I’m feeding myself or if another girl was feeding me; both are attractive to me. I just like the feeling of filling my belly until it hurts. I’m not necessarily a feedee, but I think I’m definitely a gainer.

I ended up losing some weight from stress lately, and now my cute little belly pooch is gone. I’m only 105 pounds at the moment, and even though my doctor says I’m a “healthy” weight, I really miss my heavier body. I want to start gaining weight on purpose. I don’t have a girlfriend, so I just want to gain on my own right now. I’m not sure if I want to go all the way to becoming a BBW, but I’d like to work my way up to at least a size 10 or 12 (I’m a 0/2 right now and I just feel way too skinny). After that, I think I’ll figure out if I want to keep gaining or if I want to stop there.

I already tried to start gaining a few weeks ago, but as soon as I gained a few pounds, my old eating disorder tendencies popped up. I can’t even put on 5 pounds before my brain starts yelling at me to stop because I’m “destroying my body”. I tried to get some therapy for my eating disorder, but since it’s gotten much more manageable than it used to be, my therapist says there’s not much else I can do to get it under control. It only acts up when I try to gain weight on purpose.

So here are my questions:

1. Is it normal to be both a fat admirer and a gainer? In all of the stuff I’ve read about it, there usually seems to be one feeder and one feedee, but it feels different for me. Gaining weight makes me feel sexy, but I’m also turned on by big women.

2. Is it a bad idea for me to start gaining weight while I’m still recovering from an eating disorder? It isn’t nearly as intrusive as it used to be, but sometimes I do still feel extremely self-conscious about my body and my food even though I’m still thin. In a way, gaining weight does feel kind of empowering because I’m fighting back against my anorexic thoughts, but sometimes it brings back my disordered tendencies. For example, I’ll eat a huge lunch, but then I’ll skip dinner because I feel too fat. I know that it’s ridiculous because in the end, the whole point is to gain weight. But I still can’t quite get past the hurdle of wanting to be thin and “conventionally attractive” even though I personally get a lot of enjoyment out of being chubby.

Sorry this post is a bit long - I just have a lot to unpack and I would really appreciate some help. Thanks!
 

mathfa

Well-Known Member
Joined
Sep 29, 2019
Messages
89
Location
New england
Hello Isabel, welcome to the boards!

I feel like I can at least attempt to answer your questions. I too am a fat admirer (21, mostly straight male) who's not really a feeder. I struggled with anorexia as a teen, and once in awhile it still comes back in short bouts.

1. Being a fat admirer and a gainer is very common, to the point I think they may even outnumber the non-gainers. It's absolutely valid, no issue there. Unfortunately most of the BBW erotica out there gives a very narrow perspective (usually thin male feeder, fat female feedee) of the broader F/FA community.

2. Ultimately this is something only you can answer. I think that if gaining weight allows you to have the body you want, then it can only be a good thing. But I would not push yourself past where you feel comfortable. I know from experience that changes to my body can trigger my own issues, so it's something to be careful of. In general though, for me personally I got over my anorexia due to my girlfriend showing immense appreciation for my body as it was. For you, maybe the idea of fighting back against those thoughts by gaining weight is a good one. Many days I wish I didn't have such a high metabolism so that I could do the same.

Ultimately just follow what feels good to you, and remember that weight is never permanent. Try gaining a little, see how it feels, if you don't like it then you can lose it. That's my advice I suppose.

I hope that helped, and if you ever want advice on this stuff feel free to ask me or anyone else on these boards. We are all a friendly bunch!
 

Isabel

Member
Joined
Jul 10, 2021
Messages
14
Location
Wisconsin
Hello Isabel, welcome to the boards!

I feel like I can at least attempt to answer your questions. I too am a fat admirer (21, mostly straight male) who's not really a feeder. I struggled with anorexia as a teen, and once in awhile it still comes back in short bouts.

1. Being a fat admirer and a gainer is very common, to the point I think they may even outnumber the non-gainers. It's absolutely valid, no issue there. Unfortunately most of the BBW erotica out there gives a very narrow perspective (usually thin male feeder, fat female feedee) of the broader F/FA community.

2. Ultimately this is something only you can answer. I think that if gaining weight allows you to have the body you want, then it can only be a good thing. But I would not push yourself past where you feel comfortable. I know from experience that changes to my body can trigger my own issues, so it's something to be careful of. In general though, for me personally I got over my anorexia due to my girlfriend showing immense appreciation for my body as it was. For you, maybe the idea of fighting back against those thoughts by gaining weight is a good one. Many days I wish I didn't have such a high metabolism so that I could do the same.

Ultimately just follow what feels good to you, and remember that weight is never permanent. Try gaining a little, see how it feels, if you don't like it then you can lose it. That's my advice I suppose.

I hope that helped, and if you ever want advice on this stuff feel free to ask me or anyone else on these boards. We are all a friendly bunch!

Hello and thank you so much for your help!

First of all, thank you for addressing my first question. You are 100% right - all the media I could find was about BBW and their thin male feeders. I have found a few female/female fanfics, but it was always about one skinny girl and one fat girl, so I wasn’t sure if what I was experiencing was normal.

As for the second question, I’m not sure if I’m ready to start gaining or not, but I really want to try sooner than later. To be honest, I feel like different parts of my brain want different things. On one hand, being chubby makes me feel sexy and empowered, but it also sometimes makes me feel like I’m out of control because I’m surrendering to this sexual fantasy in my head. Being thin makes me feel more stable because I’m in control, but it also makes me feel less sexy, kind of bored, and completely uninterested in sex or even just dating. I prefer the way my brain works when I’m heavier.

I’m so glad your girlfriend was able to help you overcome your anorexia! That’s so sweet and I’m so happy to hear that you’re doing better now.

I really appreciate your advice! I agree that going slow and gaining a little at a time would probably be the best solution. I’m going to start with 10 pounds and see how it feels. To be honest, I think my brain will probably keep telling me I’m too fat no matter how thin I am because anorexia is not rooted in logic. (Even when I was slightly underweight a few years ago, my brain wouldn’t shut up about how huge my thighs looked). So I don’t think it’ll hurt to put on 10 pounds.

Once again, thank you so much for your help!
 

Tad

Dimensions' loiterer
Staff member
Global Moderator
Library Mod
Joined
Sep 29, 2005
Messages
13,802
Location
The great white north, eh?
Mathfa gave some great answers, just a couple more thoughts and questions.

Have you checked out the 'library' boards here? Stories of all types, with many different combinations of size and desires. There may not be quite the exact story that would be perfect for you, but just seeing some of the variety might help?

One way to look at being an FA is that essentially there can be three components to it, and you can have, 1, 2, or all 3 of them:
- preferring and/or being turned on by fatter bodies on the class of people you are sexually attracted to
- preferring fatter bodies on the class of people you are not sexually attracted to
- preferring and/or being turned on by your own body being fatter

I split out 'prefering' and 'turned on by' because although they mostly go together they don't always do. So that is sort of another dimensions to it all, how much is a general preference versus a more focused erotic thing. And then there is yet another dimension in whether it is just fatter bodies or a specific interest in weight-gain or feeding. So a LOT of variety between people, and whatever it is that you feel is entirely legitimate.

Being an FA and a history of eating disorders is not uncommon, in particular among women it seems (purely anecdotal, with the number of women who are FA and mention having had to deal with an eating disorder). And while it isn't as common from what I've seen there are absolutely people who have gone through an eating disorder who later decide to deliberately gain weight.

Read stories, talk to people, spend time with your thoughts and feelings and you'll likely continue to get a clearer idea of what you like most.

Good luck with it all! (and welcome to Dimensions, I hope you get some good support on your journey here)
 

GordoNegro

Thankful and Blissful.
***
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Messages
795
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NYC 5 boros...Barclays Center/Juniors/Coney Island
Hi everyone! I’m new here and I have some questions. My name is Isabel and I’m 18 years old. I think I have a fat kink. I am a lesbian, and I think I am both a fat admirer and a gainer. I’m very attracted to fat women, but I also think I want to get fat. I’ve been struggling to figure out what’s going on with me for a long time, so I’d really appreciate it if someone could take the time to read and offer advice!

Also, one of my problems involves an eating disorder, so this is a trigger warning.

Anyway, I’ve been fascinated with fat people since I was a kid. I used to love watching weight loss shows like The Biggest Loser when I was about 5 or 6 because I thought some of the women looked really pretty before they started losing weight. I was way too young to understand that I felt attracted to these women, but looking back on it, I vaguely remember thinking they looked cute and being sad that they kept getting thinner every week.

I realized I was gay when I was 15, but the first women I was consciously attracted to were skinny. I have been pretty skinny my whole life, and I actually struggled with a few bouts of mild anorexia in my early teens because I wanted to stay thin. Most of my crushes had the skinny body type that I wanted, and for a while, I thought that being thin was sexy.

At the beginning of 2020 (right before the pandemic lockdowns), I gained a little weight because I was eating tons of holiday food and I wasn’t watching my diet so much. I felt really crappy and insecure about my body, so I started looking at those body positivity Instagram accounts. I came across some pictures of beautiful fat women posing in lingerie and I thought they looked REALLY hot. Suddenly, it felt like some overwhelming attraction to fat women took over in my brain, and I haven’t been able to stop thinking about it. Skinny women just don’t look as appealing to me as they used to, no matter how hot they are.

I was feeling really confused about the topic, so I started reading smutty stories about feeding and I loved them. I also love watching videos of women on TikTok playing with their chubby bellies or trying on old clothes after they’ve gained weight. (For clarification, I don’t use these videos like porn or anything; I just think the girls look cute). I’m not sure if I should call myself a feeder because I’m more attracted to the idea of having a chubby girlfriend than the actual act of feeding. But I really love the idea of watching a girl gain weight, so if a girl wanted me to feed her to help her get bigger, I’d be ok with that. I’ve heard people use the term “fat admirer” and I think that’s the most accurate term for me.

However, I think I’m also a stuffer. It sounds crazy because until recently, I was actually terrified of gaining weight. But when I finally did put on a few extra pounds last year, I ended up liking it in a weird way. At first, I felt disgusting because I was convinced that I had to be skinny to be pretty. But sometimes, it made me feel sexy. I had a little pooch on my stomach, and I would seriously get turned on from rubbing it. I really wanted to see how I would look if I was much bigger. Sometimes I fantasize about being fat and having a fat girlfriend. I don’t really care if I’m feeding myself or if another girl was feeding me; both are attractive to me. I just like the feeling of filling my belly until it hurts. I’m not necessarily a feedee, but I think I’m definitely a gainer.

I ended up losing some weight from stress lately, and now my cute little belly pooch is gone. I’m only 105 pounds at the moment, and even though my doctor says I’m a “healthy” weight, I really miss my heavier body. I want to start gaining weight on purpose. I don’t have a girlfriend, so I just want to gain on my own right now. I’m not sure if I want to go all the way to becoming a BBW, but I’d like to work my way up to at least a size 10 or 12 (I’m a 0/2 right now and I just feel way too skinny). After that, I think I’ll figure out if I want to keep gaining or if I want to stop there.

I already tried to start gaining a few weeks ago, but as soon as I gained a few pounds, my old eating disorder tendencies popped up. I can’t even put on 5 pounds before my brain starts yelling at me to stop because I’m “destroying my body”. I tried to get some therapy for my eating disorder, but since it’s gotten much more manageable than it used to be, my therapist says there’s not much else I can do to get it under control. It only acts up when I try to gain weight on purpose.

So here are my questions:

1. Is it normal to be both a fat admirer and a gainer? In all of the stuff I’ve read about it, there usually seems to be one feeder and one feedee, but it feels different for me. Gaining weight makes me feel sexy, but I’m also turned on by big women.

2. Is it a bad idea for me to start gaining weight while I’m still recovering from an eating disorder? It isn’t nearly as intrusive as it used to be, but sometimes I do still feel extremely self-conscious about my body and my food even though I’m still thin. In a way, gaining weight does feel kind of empowering because I’m fighting back against my anorexic thoughts, but sometimes it brings back my disordered tendencies. For example, I’ll eat a huge lunch, but then I’ll skip dinner because I feel too fat. I know that it’s ridiculous because in the end, the whole point is to gain weight. But I still can’t quite get past the hurdle of wanting to be thin and “conventionally attractive” even though I personally get a lot of enjoyment out of being chubby.

Sorry this post is a bit long - I just have a lot to unpack and I would really appreciate some help. Thanks!

1) It isn't unique to be FA and gainer. Some have said and experienced that frustrated FA/Feeders have adopted feedee/gainer tendencies over time.
Personally, I was discouraged being chubby early on before burning off it during teen years. Felt fat was feminine wanted no part of gaining, plus came across ussbbw dates who weren't attracted to/didn't want fat men so I was ok with that. Ran into someone special who brought those feelings back, took almost 2 decades to finally be free or 95% I should say.

2) Until you can unlock the chains of wanting to be thin, accepted in public, "conventionally attractive"...I would hope that you can slow your urges down some
as a rapid noticable gain regardless of feeling electric could be a double edged sword if you're not ready for the negative attention, comments, whispers, looks or feeling invisible as people look right through you. Thankfully you have not purged as that is rough on your teeth and insides. Hopefully over time, it will never come to that. Took me years to finally shake those ideals and leaving some behind in the process.

Best of Luck.
 

Isabel

Member
Joined
Jul 10, 2021
Messages
14
Location
Wisconsin
Mathfa gave some great answers, just a couple more thoughts and questions.

Have you checked out the 'library' boards here? Stories of all types, with many different combinations of size and desires. There may not be quite the exact story that would be perfect for you, but just seeing some of the variety might help?

One way to look at being an FA is that essentially there can be three components to it, and you can have, 1, 2, or all 3 of them:
- preferring and/or being turned on by fatter bodies on the class of people you are sexually attracted to
- preferring fatter bodies on the class of people you are not sexually attracted to
- preferring and/or being turned on by your own body being fatter

I split out 'prefering' and 'turned on by' because although they mostly go together they don't always do. So that is sort of another dimensions to it all, how much is a general preference versus a more focused erotic thing. And then there is yet another dimension in whether it is just fatter bodies or a specific interest in weight-gain or feeding. So a LOT of variety between people, and whatever it is that you feel is entirely legitimate.

Being an FA and a history of eating disorders is not uncommon, in particular among women it seems (purely anecdotal, with the number of women who are FA and mention having had to deal with an eating disorder). And while it isn't as common from what I've seen there are absolutely people who have gone through an eating disorder who later decide to deliberately gain weight.

Read stories, talk to people, spend time with your thoughts and feelings and you'll likely continue to get a clearer idea of what you like most.

Good luck with it all! (and welcome to Dimensions, I hope you get some good support on your journey here)


Thank you for your tips! I will check out the library boards right away.



Out of the 3 components you mentioned, I think I have #1 and #3. If I don’t want to sleep with someone, I don’t really care if they’re fat or not. And I don’t get turned on by every fat woman I see. For example, I have a strong preference for dark hair, and I’m not attracted to women who are considerably older than me (most of the women I find attractive are in their 20s).



That said, I am still attracted to some skinny or midsize women. If a girl has a pretty face, great hair, and a hot attitude, it works for me, even if she’s on the skinny side. I don’t know if this makes sense, but sometimes I’m even attracted to super lean girls with killer abs because I think my body would feel chubby in comparison to hers.



On the other hand, I sometimes see an attractive skinny woman and think about how she could be even hotter to me if she put on a little weight. And a girl doesn’t even have to be a 300-pound goddess to be attractive to me; a fairly slim girl with a pudgy belly works fine for me. Most of all, I think I just love girls who are confident in their bodies.



I’ll definitely look up more stories of women in the community who’ve dealt with eating disorders. My anorexia was always pretty mild in comparison to other people’s stories, and it only tends to pop up when I’m under a lot of stress or if my weight fluctuates suddenly. Lately, I’ve been working really hard to find better coping mechanisms so my weight isn’t such a source of stress for me, and I’m doing much better than I was a year ago. I think I’ll be okay if I can just get over the initial fear of gaining weight, but I’m going to take it slow so I don’t freak out and relapse.



I appreciate your advice so much!
 

Isabel

Member
Joined
Jul 10, 2021
Messages
14
Location
Wisconsin
1) It isn't unique to be FA and gainer. Some have said and experienced that frustrated FA/Feeders have adopted feedee/gainer tendencies over time.
Personally, I was discouraged being chubby early on before burning off it during teen years. Felt fat was feminine wanted no part of gaining, plus came across ussbbw dates who weren't attracted to/didn't want fat men so I was ok with that. Ran into someone special who brought those feelings back, took almost 2 decades to finally be free or 95% I should say.

2) Until you can unlock the chains of wanting to be thin, accepted in public, "conventionally attractive"...I would hope that you can slow your urges down some
as a rapid noticable gain regardless of feeling electric could be a double edged sword if you're not ready for the negative attention, comments, whispers, looks or feeling invisible as people look right through you. Thankfully you have not purged as that is rough on your teeth and insides. Hopefully over time, it will never come to that. Took me years to finally shake those ideals and leaving some behind in the process.

Best of Luck.


Thank you for your advice! I think I’ve always been subconsciously attracted to bigger women, but it took me a long time to realize that I enjoy being chubby too. With the combination of my disordered eating and my naturally slim body type, I never really had a chance to know how it felt to be fat. When I did finally put on a few pounds last year, I was confused because part of me hated it and part of me felt turned on.



I do appreciate your tip on taking it slow so other people’s reactions don’t shake me up. I was planning to go very slow anyways because my mom is always meddling in my business and she would definitely notice if I suddenly went up 4 pant sizes in a year or something. (She’s never tried to control my weight or anything, but she’s just a busybody and she’d probably take me to the doctor thinking that something was wrong with my thyroid). Also, I’m about to be a broke college student, so I can’t afford to buy new clothes at a rapid pace.



Also, I don’t think I want to gain an extreme amount of weight - at least not right now. While I do sometimes fantasize about being a BBW, I honestly think I might be more content being just a few sizes bigger than I am right now. Gaining weight is very much associated with sex for me, but I don’t think it’s convenient in non-sexual settings. For example, I feel sexy when I eat a lot and my jeans are digging into my belly, but it’s kind of uncomfortable and distracting when I’m trying to just study or clean my room.



Right now, I just want to start off with gaining 25 pounds (starting at 105, aiming for 130), and then I’ll see if I like it. I have a small bone structure but I don’t have much muscle, so even a little bit of weight gain makes me look chubby. Last year, my weight went from 103 to 117 and I already started getting a cute little potbelly, so I don’t think I need to be 500 pounds to feel good about my body.



I’ve never purged and I don’t plan on doing it in the future. Right now, my disordered eating only pops up here and there when I’m stressed, but I think I’ve got it 95% under control, and I’ve found a few things that help me manage it even when I’m trying to gain. I’m going to keep trying, one step at a time.



Thank you for your help!
 

Tad

Dimensions' loiterer
Staff member
Global Moderator
Library Mod
Joined
Sep 29, 2005
Messages
13,802
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The great white north, eh?
Gaining weight is very much associated with sex for me, but I don’t think it’s convenient in non-sexual settings. For example, I feel sexy when I eat a lot and my jeans are digging into my belly, but it’s kind of uncomfortable and distracting when I’m trying to just study or clean my room.

This is pretty common, and it does make for tough internal mental conflicts sometimes (aka cognitive dissonance, holding two opposing ideas in your thoughts at once). A lot of us can relate to that feeling of having clothes being too tight and telling ourselves "Sure, I'd love to be quite a bit bigger, but it isn't practical right now. I'm going to walk more and eat reasonably and lose just a few pounds so clothes are more comfortable." And then the walk ends up going right to a donut shop for a 'snack' of 900 calories because those other desires were just too strong.

It varies by people, but I've never been able to just block out the fat desires. For me, having places like Dimensions where I can talk about them more openly helps to control them, somewhat.
 

Isabel

Member
Joined
Jul 10, 2021
Messages
14
Location
Wisconsin
This is pretty common, and it does make for tough internal mental conflicts sometimes (aka cognitive dissonance, holding two opposing ideas in your thoughts at once). A lot of us can relate to that feeling of having clothes being too tight and telling ourselves "Sure, I'd love to be quite a bit bigger, but it isn't practical right now. I'm going to walk more and eat reasonably and lose just a few pounds so clothes are more comfortable." And then the walk ends up going right to a donut shop for a 'snack' of 900 calories because those other desires were just too strong.

It varies by people, but I've never been able to just block out the fat desires. For me, having places like Dimensions where I can talk about them more openly helps to control them, somewhat.
Yeah, that’s very relatable to me! Just a few days ago, I ate a bunch of food and got seriously bloated. I was really uncomfortable and I thought, “Maybe this whole gaining thing is crazy.” But then later that night, I was rubbing my tummy and it felt so good that I decided I couldn’t just quit. Honestly I’ve been trying to rally the courage to start gaining and stick to it for a few months, but it can be really scary!



I can’t really block out the fat desires either. I’ve tried for a long time, but I find myself looking at fat-related content all the time now. It’s relaxing to me and it helps me deal with the urge to gain too quickly. I can’t gain 100 pounds overnight, but I can look at other people’s weight gain stories and enjoy them.
 
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