(Lengthy) The everyday thought process of an F/FA.
Conflicting Thoughts
Being an FFA is both a blessing and a curse. On one hand youll see and experience things that the people around you most likely will never know. Youll know what it feels like to be in the arms of someone soft and sensual. Youll know the joys of a simple piece of cake. Youll probably share the most intimate relationship, the one between a feeder and their feedee, at some point in your life. Youll realize that what society tells you isnt always whats right and from that realization youll probably begin to question other more widely accepted facts as well.
As an FA, your life will be similar to that person standing next to you on the subway and at the same time you can feel it somewhere deep in your gut that there will always be fundamental pieces of each of your inner puzzles that will never quite line up.
Some days, for others of us traveling down the road of self acceptance it might be most, youll wish you knew what that random person on the subway was thinking about. Youll wish these thoughts that seem constantly flood your brain will stop and in that instant you can be normal. Youll wish that you can loose those 20 pounds with out feeling like youre sacrificing an important part of yourself that maybe once you loose youll never find again.
This is how I feel. There are days when I dont even think about being an FFA. I dont feel different. I feel like I can connect with my girlfriends as closely as I let them think we are every day. I can check out guys with them and actually mean it when I say theyre hot. Because I do find thin guys attractive too. I can look at the girl with the perfect body and sigh in envy with them and some days actually mean it.
But not every day. Not even most. Because for that week of normalcy, for those few days, minutes, hours however long it lasts, I know Im not really me. The real me looks at those guys and wonders immediately where the first pounds will fall and if they might just think the same way I do. The real me doesnt really want that perfect body. In fact the real me likes my body just fine. But since were talking about the real me here, I should probably say that the real me also cares a lot about what other people think. More than Id like to admit to any one but this keyboard. .
Other days I do wish I had that field hockey toned body. I wish I could wear a bikini out in the sun and have guys look me up and down with that look Ive always wanted to get. And I could have that. I know I could because the work really isnt that hard. Im just afraid.
Im afraid in the same way the new kid feels when they come to a new school for the first time. Im afraid Ill be trapped in a body I worked so hard for and now dont want anymore. Im afraid that along with loosing my thighs Ill loose that part of me thats taken so many years to finally get a handle on. Im afraid that the me I am right here right now will cease to be and Ill be stuck with a shell of myself, crazy as it sounds. Im afraid at that point Ill really have to admit Im different from all my other girlfriends and while we may have the same number of organs and appendages, our very cores are so drastically far from being in line with one another.
Because being an FA isnt just about liking fat on a person. Its not just about the rolls and gaining. Its something deeper, for me anyway, that transcends physical attraction. Its a mental state of being. Its a bond between yourself and whomever else thinks the way you do. As an FA you really do see the world differently than everyone else. Things are no longer black and white. People who normally you wouldnt think twice about play on your heart strings and touch you in places your normal friends will never understand.
You seek to comfort those who are different. You root for the underdog or the weird kid whenever you can because chances are youll be in that position once in your life. If you want to really live a life worth living, you know you will be. At some point you will have to tell a lover, a friend, your husband, that youre not like them. Youll have to say those inevitable words I like fat guys out loud and then really be separated from them. Youll know that look on their face, the confusion, uncertainly and know deep down that theyll never understand. And that is the scariest thought of all.
No matter how close you become to someone, you can share everything from sodas to deepest darkest secrets, theres one aspect of your life they will never truly be in sync with you on. Because when you get in that mood, when you need to voice an opinion on a big body or comment on a truly stunning fat person and Im sure you know what Im talking about, that same look will cross their face again. In that moment youll be reminded of how you can be sitting right next to them and yet youre both a million miles away.
The point of this tirade is not to emphasize the physical parts of being an FA but rather the good and bad baggage that comes with it. The same way a guy likes red heads, we like fat blah blah blah. Ive said it myself a hundred times and actually believe it on occasion. But reality is its not as simple as liking red heads. Because of my weight, because Im not that field hockey toned chick, Ive learned lessons that some people spend their entire life times trying to find.
Ive become empathetic, especially towards the fat girls of the world. Ive become strong. Ive learned that words when used the right way can make wounds so deep youd think theyd never heal but in a single sentence can be bandaged and nursed. Ive learned that the world doesnt know what youre thinking or feeling 24 hours a day, even if sometimes it feels like it does. But my favorite lesson of all, cliché as it sounds, is the simple dont judge a book by its cover. Because youll never know who another FA is just by looking. Its not something you can easily find. Instead we must all stumble around in the dark, find our own separate paths and hope that at some point they converge with another who just happens to think the same way you do.
So as I said, there are days when I wish I didnt have this so- called blessing. Times where I wish I could be in the dark. Thats the only way I would want to change though, if I could go back to not knowing. Since I know however, since Ive seen the proverbial light, I could never go back. Being an FFA isnt simply a fetish, preference, attraction whatever youd like to call it. Its a journey that only a select few will ever get the chance to take. Somebody up there must have chosen me. And for that reason I do consider myself blessed, most days.
Conflicting Thoughts
Being an FFA is both a blessing and a curse. On one hand youll see and experience things that the people around you most likely will never know. Youll know what it feels like to be in the arms of someone soft and sensual. Youll know the joys of a simple piece of cake. Youll probably share the most intimate relationship, the one between a feeder and their feedee, at some point in your life. Youll realize that what society tells you isnt always whats right and from that realization youll probably begin to question other more widely accepted facts as well.
As an FA, your life will be similar to that person standing next to you on the subway and at the same time you can feel it somewhere deep in your gut that there will always be fundamental pieces of each of your inner puzzles that will never quite line up.
Some days, for others of us traveling down the road of self acceptance it might be most, youll wish you knew what that random person on the subway was thinking about. Youll wish these thoughts that seem constantly flood your brain will stop and in that instant you can be normal. Youll wish that you can loose those 20 pounds with out feeling like youre sacrificing an important part of yourself that maybe once you loose youll never find again.
This is how I feel. There are days when I dont even think about being an FFA. I dont feel different. I feel like I can connect with my girlfriends as closely as I let them think we are every day. I can check out guys with them and actually mean it when I say theyre hot. Because I do find thin guys attractive too. I can look at the girl with the perfect body and sigh in envy with them and some days actually mean it.
But not every day. Not even most. Because for that week of normalcy, for those few days, minutes, hours however long it lasts, I know Im not really me. The real me looks at those guys and wonders immediately where the first pounds will fall and if they might just think the same way I do. The real me doesnt really want that perfect body. In fact the real me likes my body just fine. But since were talking about the real me here, I should probably say that the real me also cares a lot about what other people think. More than Id like to admit to any one but this keyboard. .
Other days I do wish I had that field hockey toned body. I wish I could wear a bikini out in the sun and have guys look me up and down with that look Ive always wanted to get. And I could have that. I know I could because the work really isnt that hard. Im just afraid.
Im afraid in the same way the new kid feels when they come to a new school for the first time. Im afraid Ill be trapped in a body I worked so hard for and now dont want anymore. Im afraid that along with loosing my thighs Ill loose that part of me thats taken so many years to finally get a handle on. Im afraid that the me I am right here right now will cease to be and Ill be stuck with a shell of myself, crazy as it sounds. Im afraid at that point Ill really have to admit Im different from all my other girlfriends and while we may have the same number of organs and appendages, our very cores are so drastically far from being in line with one another.
Because being an FA isnt just about liking fat on a person. Its not just about the rolls and gaining. Its something deeper, for me anyway, that transcends physical attraction. Its a mental state of being. Its a bond between yourself and whomever else thinks the way you do. As an FA you really do see the world differently than everyone else. Things are no longer black and white. People who normally you wouldnt think twice about play on your heart strings and touch you in places your normal friends will never understand.
You seek to comfort those who are different. You root for the underdog or the weird kid whenever you can because chances are youll be in that position once in your life. If you want to really live a life worth living, you know you will be. At some point you will have to tell a lover, a friend, your husband, that youre not like them. Youll have to say those inevitable words I like fat guys out loud and then really be separated from them. Youll know that look on their face, the confusion, uncertainly and know deep down that theyll never understand. And that is the scariest thought of all.
No matter how close you become to someone, you can share everything from sodas to deepest darkest secrets, theres one aspect of your life they will never truly be in sync with you on. Because when you get in that mood, when you need to voice an opinion on a big body or comment on a truly stunning fat person and Im sure you know what Im talking about, that same look will cross their face again. In that moment youll be reminded of how you can be sitting right next to them and yet youre both a million miles away.
The point of this tirade is not to emphasize the physical parts of being an FA but rather the good and bad baggage that comes with it. The same way a guy likes red heads, we like fat blah blah blah. Ive said it myself a hundred times and actually believe it on occasion. But reality is its not as simple as liking red heads. Because of my weight, because Im not that field hockey toned chick, Ive learned lessons that some people spend their entire life times trying to find.
Ive become empathetic, especially towards the fat girls of the world. Ive become strong. Ive learned that words when used the right way can make wounds so deep youd think theyd never heal but in a single sentence can be bandaged and nursed. Ive learned that the world doesnt know what youre thinking or feeling 24 hours a day, even if sometimes it feels like it does. But my favorite lesson of all, cliché as it sounds, is the simple dont judge a book by its cover. Because youll never know who another FA is just by looking. Its not something you can easily find. Instead we must all stumble around in the dark, find our own separate paths and hope that at some point they converge with another who just happens to think the same way you do.
So as I said, there are days when I wish I didnt have this so- called blessing. Times where I wish I could be in the dark. Thats the only way I would want to change though, if I could go back to not knowing. Since I know however, since Ive seen the proverbial light, I could never go back. Being an FFA isnt simply a fetish, preference, attraction whatever youd like to call it. Its a journey that only a select few will ever get the chance to take. Somebody up there must have chosen me. And for that reason I do consider myself blessed, most days.