FFA question

Discussion in 'BHM/FFA' started by rabbitislove, Feb 4, 2017.

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  1. Feb 8, 2017 #21

    bigmac

    bigmac

    bigmac

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    Yes -- I totally agree.

    I was actually fatter as a kid than I am now as an adult. That's likely coloring my perception.
     
  2. Feb 20, 2017 #22

    Cobra Verde

    Cobra Verde

    Cobra Verde

    Lupus Dei

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    I accepted it immediately but I suffered a lot of emotional damage due to growing up fat so it wasn't really the dream come true it should've been. I lurked off and on for over 3 years before posting because I still felt grotesque. And even after receiving positive attention from people I was really attracted to it still took me over a year to get past my issues and be in a place where I could feel attractive and pursue a relationship.
    The only thing I would say is to be mindful of the fact that someone might be far more traumatized than they appear and try to be empathetic, but really, that's a good thing to keep in mind when dealing with anyone.


    And if anyone thinks I didn't reply sooner because I wanted to get the last word, well, you've been paying attention.
     
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  3. Feb 21, 2017 #23

    Xyantha Reborn

    Xyantha Reborn

    Xyantha Reborn

    - Actually Very Tame!

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    Like, so late to this party but it's been the first time I have been on Dims on my computer in a month!

    I've never had a bad reaction. The females might joke that "that dude totally isn't her type" and I've had guys (BHM and non) laughingly and accusingly call me an enabler. At which point I threaten to take away the food and they go nonono. Past dates who told their friends I was an FFA got envious sort of "you'll get fat eventually...sweet deal."

    I've internalized some self loathing from my hubby. 99.9% of the time he is tolerant, amused, and even teasing of his weight. Once every couple of years he is struck with self loathing and lashes out, however. It's hard not to internalize it, and he's come to realize as confident as I am sexually, self hatred on his own part destroys me. If he feels physically shitty, describes himself as repugnant etc etc, what does that say about me? I want him to be happy and healthy, and if he isn't, I internalize that.

    It's become a bit of a balance/diplomatic way of speaking where I can express my lust and he can express his frustrations in a way that is gentle, considerate, and is framed in a way to avoid any pain.
     
    Last edited: Feb 21, 2017
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  4. Feb 22, 2017 #24

    ODFFA

    ODFFA

    ODFFA

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    This point you have both made is a clincher. I guess I'm somewhat fortunate in the sense that I can relate to something traumatic affecting my romantic/sex life, even if mine doesn't have all that much to do with body image.

    I think being 100% clear and upfront about disclosing the FFA attraction from the start is the best approach. But after that, I've found a bit more sensitivity and subtlety was the way to go in most cases. And I've needed the same, for different reasons. So that mutuality is quite nice, and there's an understanding that goes both ways.

    It's never easy though, when you have trauma reaching into future relationships. It's a bit of a tightrope walk. The traumatised one needs to make sure they're not (inadvertently) shaming the other person's needs/desires. I've been guilty of this, without realising it. And the one with the needs/desires has to make sure they're not steamrolling their partner to get them met.

    Also, specific compromises come more easily to specific types of people. Sometimes you strike it lucky, sometimes it's just not gonna work. It's usually a combination of factors, rather than just one person's fault. There are always things we can improve on, but self-flagellation doesn't help anyone. Unless it's something you're into ;) Communication all the things. That's why I was pretty excited about this topic.
     
  5. Feb 24, 2017 #25

    ashblonde

    ashblonde

    ashblonde

    Busy writing

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    Rabbit you said such nice things about my writing in the porn thread, so I'll dish.

    I've experienced varying degrees of acceptance among friends, but I don't know if gender has made a difference. Reactions seem to vary more on what kind of person they are. I prefer non-judgey people in my life so mostly positive; except health concern trolling, but that quickly gets shut down. Little demon horns grow on my head when I hear the words 'his health' from someone who should worry more about how they conduct their own lives.

    But sometimes I catch myself in a mindset that fat attraction is mainstream, and I'll make a pro-fat comment to a non-FFA friend that I would logically reserve for an FFA friend, because why not fat? It makes so much sense! Being in the arms of a big, soft, round guy? What is not to like about that?

    As far as experiences with the BHM themselves... Skipping past the younger/college/grad years, I've have had two major relationships (co-habitation level of serious). The first/ex was a gorgeous big guy who had been told his whole life how perfect he'd be if he lost weight. He had significant body issues that in my naive, idealistic mind, hoped with my special FFA TLC magic he would relax over time. I had idealized a fulfilling physical relationship with a very big, very sweet BHM for so long, that I fell quickly/madly for him, but he wasn't ready for what I wanted. I had to be super careful about how I touched him, which frustrated both of us. I'm a pretty avid runner and I even began to lie about when or how much because I knew it made him depressed that he wasn't able to do things like that with me (which I'd NEVER expect, but he still felt that way). Enter lots of self-imposed 'thin privilege' guilt; who was I to put my selfish sexual needs ahead of his lifetime of baggage? He resented me for liking what he hated; we broke up, got back together, broke up, lather, rinse, repeat.

    That finally ended when I moved away for work reasons. Then related to my new job, I met a big man who threw me for a wonderful loop. The first time I saw him walking past my office was very WOW. And right after WOW, my next thoughts were total fear that if I ever got him to go out with me, the same tragic cycle would repeat. Then I finally met him, and when he shook my hand I could already sense it in his grip, his smile, the confidence... this was a completely different man. Pretty quickly into dating he was like, 'wait, you're really into this bod? you sure? okay, well that's pretty awesome, lets enjoy it together,' which made our relationship easy to fall into, and ultimately it became a more permanent arrangement.

    p.s. He did grow up fat too and isn't completely immune to societal pressure/baggage, but I think it helped that he comes from an wonderful, funny and supportive family that nurtured his gifts. At family gatherings I'm the one who ends up getting teased for my smaller size, but I'm lucky they just accept me as I am ;)
     
  6. Feb 24, 2017 #26

    Xyantha Reborn

    Xyantha Reborn

    Xyantha Reborn

    - Actually Very Tame!

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    Ashblonde i relate to your post so hard!
     
  7. Jul 27, 2017 #27

    hommecreux

    hommecreux

    hommecreux

    Attack of the twinkies.

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    I've only met one FFA, she worked in a store I frequented, and after 6 months of going in on a regular basis and talking in passing, she started to call me "big papa"(should have been my first hint). After a year of she and I having more casual conversations I think we both sort of looked forward to talking once or twice a week. After 2 years she let me know that she was interested in big guys but didn't say that she was interested in me specifically (apparently, I too have been so conditioned to think she must have been talking about someone else that I didn't think she could have possibly been talking about me). About a month after that while heading into the store per usual, we had our little talk and I started to walk away. Suddenly she came up behind me and proceeded to basically grab me by the nipple and she wanted to get my number.... which shocked the living bejezzus out of me. She then proceeded to write down her number and said she would like to go out.

    I honestly didn't know what to do once I got home and mulled it over... I've never had that reaction from anyone before or since, and never expected this extremely attractive woman to give me the light of day outside of our chats. I thought she must have been fucking with me, and I never called. Looking back a year later, I would say that I seriously fucked up by not realizing/not seeing/being too afraid to see the ques....

    So to those FFAs out there... I'd say take it slow, and don't grab a moob then ask for/give out a number.
     
    Last edited: Jul 27, 2017
  8. Jul 27, 2017 #28

    Tad

    Tad

    Tad

    mostly harmless

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    The great white north, eh?
    hommecreux, have you been avoiding that store since then? Or did she disappear from it? (and did you keep that number????)
     
  9. Jul 27, 2017 #29

    hommecreux

    hommecreux

    hommecreux

    Attack of the twinkies.

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    I went back about a month later, and she wasn't there. I lost the number, but I think at this point it would be a bit weird.
     
  10. Jul 27, 2017 #30

    Anjula

    Anjula

    Anjula

    the bitchy one

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    tbh it might be but I would give it a try. I mean, if you explain what happened and that you were freaked out she will probably understand. I would. I had few situations like that, Im pretty straight forward and guys get scared so Im kinda talking from personal experience.

    Good luck!
     

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