Friends with a former love?

Dimensions Magazine

Help Support Dimensions Magazine:

Sweetie

Where is the Love?
Joined
Jan 28, 2011
Messages
2,482
Location
,
I'm wondering if you all could share your thoughts on becoming friends with a former love. We ended very badly, but I've managed to totally forgive the hurt (which absolutely amazes me considering how horrible I felt at the time). I'm not interested in getting involved romantically with him, but is it possible to be friends? Any successes out there?
 

ConnieLynn

has left the building.
Joined
Oct 4, 2005
Messages
2,119
Location
,
This question could be asked about being friends with a former Spouse, Love, Lover, Friend, Friend with Benefits, etc., and my answer would be the same.

If the level of a relationship changes because you're going in different directions or both agree that it's not working at that level, then remaining friends is possible, assuming you were actually friends.

For me, it's all about trust and respect, without which there isn't a relationship.

I believe in forgiveness and letting go of hurts, but if someone breaks your trust or treats you so badly that it ends your relationship, why would you want to be or become 'friends' with them?
 

Sweetie

Where is the Love?
Joined
Jan 28, 2011
Messages
2,482
Location
,
This question could be asked about being friends with a former Spouse, Love, Lover, Friend, Friend with Benefits, etc., and my answer would be the same.

If the level of a relationship changes because you're going in different directions or both agree that it's not working at that level, then remaining friends is possible, assuming you were actually friends.

For me, it's all about trust and respect, without which there isn't a relationship.

I believe in forgiveness and letting go of hurts, but if someone breaks your trust or treats you so badly that it ends your relationship, why would you want to be or become 'friends' with them?

I gave what you said alot of thought. You have some good points. But I think I have my own answer. I know who I'm dealing with, and they know how to make me laugh like nobody else ever has, and at this point in my life thats all I want. I think I honestly don't believe in "love" or "happily ever after" anymore, and I don't say that with sadness, just peace. Its better not believing in fairytales. I guess I'm finally growing up and letting go of the fantasies of a little girl.
 

MissHoney

Well-Known Member
Joined
Oct 5, 2010
Messages
65
Location
,
In the past, my opinion would have been to cut all ties to avoid a messy situation. However, two years or so ago, my then boyfriend and I went through a nasty breakup. There were a lot of hurt feelings for both of us. But I hated to lose him because he was such a light in my life and we had a strong connection. So I hung in there and now he is my absolute best friend in the world. Somehow the hurt and the feelings went away and we now have this deep bond that's unlike any friendship I've had. So, yes... it is possible, just not the norm. It's also not something that can happen quickly. Good luck!
 

pegz

Southern Illinois Chick
Joined
Nov 29, 2010
Messages
952
Location
,
I guess every relationship is different, as well as every person. My personal experience with my ex has a lot of people shaking their heads wondering if we've lost our minds. However, people who really know us ....."get it". The Ex and I went thru some thunderous times. Yet now, many years later, we are able to be the best of friends. (NO.. I do not mean friends with benefits) He is truly my friend. We are able to share an occasional meal, a laugh, a serious discussion without it being uncomfortable. So in my opinion...YES... it is possible to come thru a relationship and find that you can still be friends on the other side. I only wish him well, as he does for me. Anyone new in my life has to understand... we have history, we've overcome the odds, and we will continue to be friends. At this stage in my life... I don't want to waste my time hating.
 

penguin

Fnord
DimensionsModel
***
Joined
Dec 17, 2010
Messages
5,527
Location
Brisbane, Australia
It can happen, sure. But I think that it's best to take a break from them first. Going straight from partners to ex-partners to friends is very, very difficult. I think it's important to get over the break up first, and it's very difficult to do that if you're still seeing them regularly. If you can get through that phase and find you still enjoy their company, and can talk without bitterness, then sure, it's possible to be friends. But it's not going to work for everyone, and sometimes it's best just to let them go from your life for good. Asking yourself why you want to stay friends with them is important, too.
 

Diana_Prince245

Wise as Athena
Joined
May 7, 2011
Messages
1,387
Location
,
I remain very good friends with a couple of my exes, but we ended on very good terms (issues of distance in both cases) and we were close friends before we got together.

While I get on well with nearly all of the guys I've been involved with, I wouldn't call myself friends with very many of them. We chat on facebook, but I tend to stay away from them otherwise.
 

Ivy

more cake, please!
DimensionsModel
Joined
Oct 3, 2005
Messages
9,181
Location
,
It is absolutely possible. One of my absolute best friends who I hang out with weekly is my ex-grlfriend. We dated on and off for years before ending things for good and back then we were constantly at each others throats. We never fight now and our significant others get along fabulously as well. I'm also pretty friendly with 2 exboyfriends. One was a long term relationship and we lived together, the other a super short term deal. I Io longer hang out with either on a regular basis because I moved away, but I see the one at least 1x a year. I think the most important thing is to wait until you both have moved on and have no more feelings for the other person. Otherwise, it won't work.
 

CarlaSixx

Just Another Weirdo
Joined
May 27, 2010
Messages
3,982
Location
,
I think it's absolutely possible, given a core of friendship along the entire relationship, too.

I've stayed friends with some exes. One I couldn't, because it was the type of relationship where breaking up was not really what we wanted, so being alone together would be a mess. But most other breakups led to great friendships.

But I think that also has a lot to do with the fact that I believe strongly in being friends first.
 

Cors

Delurking
Joined
Jun 6, 2008
Messages
2,758
Location
, F
I don't see the point in trying to be stay friends with an ex if you broke up because they were not the people you thought or hoped they were. Even with prior long-time friendships, sometimes it takes being in a relationship to bring those qualities out.

I am on fairly good terms with most of mine and extremely close to two of them even. That said, I was stuck in the same apartment with one (rental contract and pet) after the split which sucked - all the residue hurt, walking on eggshells, constant snapping and passive-aggressiveness for a few months. The friendship was strong enough to weather that and we ended up living together peacefully for a few years after but I think we were the exception and not the norm. Over the years, I have learned that unless all issues are resolved, it is best to interact in public with them and stick to safe topics - drunken 3am conversations could turn ugly or trigger hurt feelings.

The only ex I made an effort to avoid at all costs was an abusive psychopath. People like that don't change. Stay far, far away.
 

Wagimawr

Well-Known Member
Joined
Sep 30, 2005
Messages
4,668
Location
Winston-Salem, NC
Like most questions relating to relationships, the answer is a helpful "it depends"; not only on how (and how soon!) the relationship ended but also on whether or not you're, say, on the brink of falling for them again if they do just THAT one thing or some such.
 

Marlayna

Well-Known Member
Joined
Oct 31, 2011
Messages
1,277
Location
,
I gave what you said alot of thought. You have some good points. But I think I have my own answer. I know who I'm dealing with, and they know how to make me laugh like nobody else ever has, and at this point in my life thats all I want. I think I honestly don't believe in "love" or "happily ever after" anymore, and I don't say that with sadness, just peace. Its better not believing in fairytales. I guess I'm finally growing up and letting go of the fantasies of a little girl.
I hate letting go of someone who can really make me laugh, but if that person also has words that made you feel pain, then it's not worth it.
 

CastingPearls

Go Big Or Go Home
Joined
Apr 11, 2010
Messages
15,157
Location
,
It's possible but it depends on a lot.

I'm friends with some ex's. I'm not nor will ever be with my ex-husband. And one ex, I've always had such a camaraderie with, that we genuinely missed each other over many years, because we had so much fun together, even goofing off. We're trying out the friendship again and it's really my decision whether or not to continue because I'm pretty sure he's not over me, and that's an issue because I don't want a relationship with him at all but that friendship was REALLY special so I'm playing it by ear. If he can't handle 'just friends' I have to break contact for the best for everyone.
 

bigmac

Well-Known Member
Joined
Jun 24, 2007
Messages
10,349
Location
,
...

I'm friends with some ex's. I'm not nor will ever be with my ex-husband.

...

Same here. I remain friendly with several ex's (my wife and I went to a ex's wedding just a few months ago). My ex-wife however burned all her bridges.
 

MadLordOfMilk

Well-Known Member
Joined
Jul 29, 2011
Messages
83
Location
,
On more than one occasion, I've ended a relationship exactly because I saw it devolving into us hating each other and I didn't want it to reach that point. I'm also on good terms with basically every girl I've dated, and hang out with a few of my exes occasionally, so I'd say it's absolutely possible. That being said, depending on how things ended, it could be anywhere from easy to nigh impossible.
 

Sweetie

Where is the Love?
Joined
Jan 28, 2011
Messages
2,482
Location
,
Thanks so much for your input everybody. It gave me alot to think about. I have to say it never occured to me to look at it from his perspective, in that maybe he might still have feelings for me and that could cause a problem which I wouldn't want for him or myself. I'm going to tread carefully here. :)
 

Latest posts

Top