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Life is Short. Have an Affair. (Dating service for cheaters)

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FaxMachine1234

you know it
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You're completely misunderstanding me. I'm not defending cheating. What I'm saying is that there are a lot of reasons people cheat and there are lots of reasons the person who’s been cheated on stays with the cheater. Reasons that have nothing to do with self esteem, but mostly finances. You think it’s easy to walk away when you have three mouths to feed and you can only pay all the bills with TWO incomes? Watch your kids starve, or put up with an asshole. Gee, which one would you choose? And we all don’t have huge supportive families to fall back on.

I’m not saying cheating is right. I’m saying it’s human. There’s all kinds of reasons why people cheat, and not always is it the fault of the cheater. And you can get married and be happy for years and then begin to loose interest in your spouse or fall out of love – years after the fact. How do you know they didn’t try to work things out with an uncooperative spouse? Maybe they came to an impasse, who knows. Maybe that should be taken into account when people think about marriage. It’s part of the reason I think the marriage model is flawed. Marriage is not an easy or simple thing. You think all your feelings will fall into line after you say I do, but people don’t work that way.

Wiccans have this belief that when you get engaged, you do it for a year and a day. During that time you get to examine, really examine why you really want to marry that person. It’s a time of deep soul searching. At the end of that year you know you’ve thought long and hard about every possible situation that could come up and whether or not you are capable of handling it, and each party has a long discussion about what their fears and hopes are. Then if you can agree or disagree amicably, then you get married.



Yes, exactly, thank you!
No, I agree with you on the theories of why people will stay with people who cheat if there are mitigating reasons, but I refuse to concede that the marriage model is "flawed"; in your examples, clearly it was the couple that was flawed, and that's why people can get divorced in this country. Assuming these are two people who can split up and leave independent lives (which I imagine is the case for most divorces in this country), there's no reason to do that rather than stay together and cheat. I'm sorry, but if you're advocating just abandoning the pretty reasonable system we have set up in this country, just say so, but it's not broken.
 

troubadours

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So then you've been married and were cheated on by your partner?
i've been cheated on my someone i was in love with. marriage or not, i still had feelings for them. my feelings got hurt. and i'm left with my own trust issues to work out.

and thats what i meant. obviously, anyone who has read my posts knows i have not been married.
 

olwen

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don't talk if it's never happened to you.
end of story
I'm sorry you were cheated on, but this line here, seems a little patronizing to me. If you're in a dual relationship where both parties are working under the assumption that the other won't stray, then clearly cheating is bad, but I tell you what, I'm not going to judge people who do it. I'm just not. I'd rather just examine the reasons why in an effort to better understand people.

Everybody is flawed, end of story.
 

olwen

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No, I agree with you on the theories of why people will stay with people who cheat if there are mitigating reasons, but I refuse to concede that the marriage model is "flawed"; in your examples, clearly it was the couple that was flawed, and that's why people can get divorced in this country. Assuming these are two people who can split up and leave independent lives (which I imagine is the case for most divorces in this country), there's no reason to do that rather than stay together and cheat. I'm sorry, but if you're advocating just abandoning the pretty reasonable system we have set up in this country, just say so, but it's not broken.
I believe the conventional model of marriage is flawed because it ignores and invalidates other kinds of partnerships. I also think people sometimes go into marriage expecting too much - because of what we're taught about love, and a lot of times what that is is unrealistic, so married people end up treating each other like crap. Yeah people are flawed, but marriage is a social institution, and as such, it ought to work better more often, but it doesn't. I take that to mean, there's something wrong with the way we view Marriage.

I respect your views here, I'm just trying to explain mine.
 

Victim

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What makes a relationship work is if the parties involved are giving each other what they want. The problem is that everyone is different, and we all want different things. Some people are satisfied in a relationship with little or no sex. Some want all the sex they can get and from as many different people as they can. There are myriad inbetweens as well.

It goes beyond sex too. Some people are just seeking to relate to others. At what point would you consider that cheating if no sex is involved?
 

olwen

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What makes a relationship work is if the parties involved are giving each other what they want. The problem is that everyone is different, and we all want different things. Some people are satisfied in a relationship with little or no sex. Some want all the sex they can get and from as many different people as they can. There are myriad inbetweens as well.

It goes beyond sex too. Some people are just seeking to relate to others. At what point would you consider that cheating if no sex is involved?
Good question. I remember reading somewhere about a survey where women thought cheating happened when the SO made an emotional connection with another person and men thought cheating happened when only the physical was involved.

What is cheating just depends on the type of relationship involved, the relationship dynamics (these are different because you could have an X type of relationship with a myriad variations), and the personalities of the people involved. There are just too many varieties of relationships around for one marriage model to work for them all.
 

Victim

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Good question. I remember reading somewhere about a survey where women thought cheating happened when the SO made an emotional connection with another person and men thought cheating happened when only the physical was involved.

What is cheating just depends on the type of relationship involved, the relationship dynamics (these are different because you could have an X type of relationship with a myriad variations), and the personalities of the people involved. There are just too many varieties of relationships around for one marriage model to work for them all.
In Who Framed Roger Rabbit it was as simple as a game of patty cake.
 

Sandie_Zitkus

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i've been cheated on my someone i was in love with. marriage or not, i still had feelings for them. my feelings got hurt. and i'm left with my own trust issues to work out.

and thats what i meant. obviously, anyone who has read my posts knows i have not been married.
Actually - I'm gonna say being married is a whole other level of commitment. Being in love is one thing - being married - whole other animal.

We all make decisions in life. You choose to have trust issues. To some extent we all have them. However - allowing what one person did to effect your future relationship isn't being fair to yourself or your future partners.

I was in an abusive relationship - I take responsability for my part in that fiasco. I realized after many years of hanging onto that pain I was letting him still control me.

Life goes on and there are fabulous people out there. :)
 

Sandie_Zitkus

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What makes a relationship work is if the parties involved are giving each other what they want.
I'm gonna disagree with this. No one can give you what you need. If you are looking for another person to fill a void - you are going to be waiting a long time. Marriage is not 50/50 as they say. It's 100/100

Make yourself happy then look for someone who is also a whole person. :)
 

Green Eyed Fairy

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Actually - I'm gonna say being married is a whole other level of commitment. Being in love is one thing - being married - whole other animal.

We all make decisions in life. You choose to have trust issues. To some extent we all have them. However - allowing what one person did to effect your future relationship isn't being fair to yourself or your future partners.

I was in an abusive relationship - I take responsability for my part in that fiasco. I realized after many years of hanging onto that pain I was letting him still control me.

Life goes on and there are fabulous people out there. :)
I have to agree with you 100% about "victimology". You have to forgive and move on- because it's something you do to take care of yourself...not others.

I'm gonna disagree with this. No one can give you what you need. If you are looking for another person to fill a void - you are going to be waiting a long time. Marriage is not 50/50 as they say. It's 100/100

Make yourself happy then look for someone who is also a whole person. :)

Right again..... :bow:
 

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