Need some advice....help....anything really!

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craigisnutter

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Oct 11, 2008
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Hi guys,

I don't really know where to start with all this. So if it's a bit all over the place, i can only apologise.

Let me set the backstory first. I'm 24, live in Romford, Essex, or for those that don't know, the outskirts of London. I've always been a suvere Asthmatic and to control how bad my Asthma was, from the age of 7-16 i was on copious amounts of steroids, hence me ballooning out. At my heaviest i was 34 stone....that's somewhere around the 480 lbs mark i believe.

Up until about 4 and half years ago, i had never had a relationship, a girlfriend and was a virign. But in the space of a few months, i met 2 girls who i had 1 night stands with and then a girl who i ended up dating for 3 years and who i now have a child with. It turned out though that she was using me the entire time and broke up with me as soon as she found out she was pregnant. She used me for money, attention and pretty much as a sperm doner. Obviously this knocked my confidence, which was next to nothing anyway, for six.

The 2 girls i slept with i had no realy attraction to, didn't think they were particularly nice people, i was just fed up of being lonely, unloved and a virign. I regret it whole heartedly now. Then with the relationship....well i thought i felt sumthing, but being used and everything......i don't even know.

Then just over 6 weeks ago, i had WLS. More precisely i had a Gastric Sleeve operation. I know this isn't liked on this forum, but it's part of this story and part of my life. If it helps to know my reasons, i wanted to see my daughter, who i love with all my heart, even if she was gotten through ill-begotten circumstances, i wanted to see her grow up, liver her life, get married etc. I wanted a better way of life, as things started getting harder to do etc.

I'll be perfectly frank and honest too, ive never met a FFA and tbh, don't think i ever will. So there was some selfish, self loathing behind the WLS too. Anyway, in 6 weeks i have lost 4 stone.

But in a year, the most im likely to lose it 16-18 stone. Now i know that sounds alot, but i am still gonna be a big guy. I'll never be thin or 'fit', cos my body just isn't built to get down to that.

Anyway, i think that's enough of the backstory and explanation etc. So here's where my mindset is at the moment.

I am a very emotionally connected person anyway and i just feel i have all this love to give to someone, all this caring and compassion and no-one wants it.

The whole world looks at the outside and although, if i do say so myself, i have a cute good looking face, im constantly mocked and have the piss taken for being so enormous.

Granted, when i drop all the weight, i will look alot more appealing, but firstly, the excess skin, a shallow, looks obsessed person wont wanna be with sum1 with excess skin. Even though its only temporary, until i get the plastic surgery they offer. But that could take years before i get that. Secondly, i don't wana sum1 who is with me for just the way i look, i want sum1 i have a deep connection with, sum1 who likes me for who i am, not wat i am. But if the shopfront isn't appealing, they're not gonna walk in the front door.

I just feel like it's a dead end and i'm never gonna be in a position, where i can have a loving, commited, caring relationship with someone!!

Any help people....im actually begging. Mentally, i'm a mess.
 

Melian

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First of all, no one is going to attack you for having WLS - it is your body and your choice. If you feel that being thinner will improve your confidence and quality of life, then it was the right decision.

Secondly, don't let past relationships spoil future ones. You need to consider that, when you were involved with these women, you were not in a sound state of mind. You admit that you were feeling lonely and depressed - you are only going to get the attention that you demand, and you were demanding pity/apathy. Now, as you are working to "improve" your body, you should also work to improve your mindset. If you don't feel that you are deserving of someone, you will subconsciously sabotage your relationships. I'm not sure if counselling is the best choice for you, or if you simply need to invest some time in activities that will make you feel proud and accomplished, but you should consider all your options. Maybe you just need to focus on your daughter for a while and take pride in the fact that you are a devoted father.

I know you feel hopeless right now, but please trust me that things can and will change. Our perception of our own abilities is often flawed. For example, about five years ago I saw the most gorgeous man. Immediately, I assumed that he was out of my league and completely unattainable, because I was too ugly, too boring, and just generally inferior. For three years, I would see him at random, but would never attempt to speak to him, because clearly it was pointless to do so (especially since I knew he had a gf). Eventually, a mutual friend introduced us....shortly after, he dumped the gf and is now marrying me :blush:

The point: you shouldn't give up, and you should be open to the idea that you deserve a satisfying relationship.
 

Hole

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I can only tell you what helps me and that is to combat the negative voice in your head that tells you, you aren't good enough with a positive one. You have to fight back. Use anger to shut that part of you up.And you will get walked over and whatnot if you believe you're not worthy.Well it still happens when you believe you are worthy too but at least you can be strong enough to walk away with your head up high, refusing to settle.

Faking confidence is not so much faking it as it is training yourself to believe you can be a confident person and therefore WILL be one. It's kind of like playing a role then becoming the character.There won't be a change overnight but baby steps are still steps. You're a good looking man, Craig. And like you said, you have a lot of love to give so don't lose hope.

Do you not feel excited about the new changes in your body? Hold on to every bit of that and use that as a launching pad to meet new people and explore what's out there in general.The world has a lot of sucky people in it but I know for a fact that are women out there, me included, who don't give a damn about loose skin and want the very same things you want.
 

craigisnutter

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I feel great about the weight loss, but well....atm even 59.0s lbs, which sounds alot in principal, looks like taking a bucket of mud off of Everest. There's no noticeable change to my appearance that i can see.

Hopefully come another month or so, it'll appear more obvious.
 

olwen

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Craig,

First, thanks for sharing what you are going thru. Sorry you had to have a shit relationship. Such is life tho. Learn what you can from it and don't give up on relationships altogether. You are probably not the same person now as you were then and that's okay. You're wiser now.

I don't wanna say don't place your own self-worth on how you look or how many chicks you score with, cause I know that's often little help when you're fat and you're used to people treating you a certain way because of how you look, but loosing the weight is gonna change how you see yourself anyway, no question and it's important to know just who you are in the process or at least to figure it out. You might discover things about yourself that have little to do with your weight that you might find to be more valuable than your size. They could be the kinds of things that were always there, but that you never explored because you didn't think you could. I'm not saying this is exactly the case with you, it's just an example. I hope this is making sense....just don't sell yourself short. A woman can be attracted to you and your body. And sometimes women aren't always attracted to both at the same time. Anyway, now that you know what you know, you'll probably choose better women next time around too. ;) You do have a say in that, you know. You can choose, no matter your size, you have a right to tell someone they aren't good enough for you. Don't worry about this relationship stuff too hard. Just take care of you and yours and all that other stuff will fall into place.
 

Esther

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Most of the things I wanted to say to you after reading your story have already been said by the wise people who have posted here before me. I do have a couple of things to add though.
I looked at your profile, and I see that you are only 24 years old. Though you're unhappy now, you truly have your entire life ahead of you! You have so much time to make the changes you feel will improve your health and your overall quality of life (and it sounds like you've already taken some drastic steps in this direction). I'm not at all trying to trivialize your struggles and the terrible experiences you have lived through. I realize that 24 years doesn't sound like a lot, but 24 unhappy, lonely years can feel like a lifetime. But please, don't lose hope at this age. I promise you that things can get better, especially if you continue taking your happiness into your own hands.
Like the other girls here have said, I realize that self-confidence does not come easily, but it is crucial to love yourself if you want to be loved by anyone else. Once you feel that you are deserving of love, you will gain the courage to be loved... and furthermore, you'll have the courage to tell those "shallow, looks-obsessed girls" where to go. You should not have to change your appearance to appease those kinds of people; you truly deserve more than that and I hope you meet somebody who will love you as you are.
 

mergirl

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Hi guys,

I just feel like it's a dead end and i'm never gonna be in a position, where i can have a loving, commited, caring relationship with someone!!
I PROMISE you this is not going to be the case. Love will come. Maby just now you are just not ready for it. If you think about it, you have just had major surgery, which is going to make you go through a lot of significant changes both physically and mentally. I think you need to concentrate on getting strong after your op and on working through all these changes that are going to take place. You will be feeling shit right now, surgery can make you feel mentally drained as well as physically drained. Also you will be losing your fat, which although you may not have 'wanted', it has been a part of you for so long, that it might be difficult letting it go, although you may feel estatic. There are a lot of reasons for this and they will be personal to you. Good luck. I'm sure soon you will be beating the ladies away with a shitty stick! lol. Not because of anything to do with weight but because you will have been working on your confidence.
btw.. Have the wls people set you up with a good therapist?? If so then make the most of them..make them work for their money and work through Every emotion you are feeling!:D If they havn't then they should have so get them on the case!
 

Starling

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I don't know that I have anything to say that isn't going to come out sounding trite or lame, but I just wanted you to know that I am sending good thoughts your way. I really, really hope everything works out for you.
 

JenFromOC

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Let's see...where to start...speaking from experience, weight loss surgery is a major life change. Duh, I know. It isn't possible to put everything in words as you will find that weight loss surgery is a lifelong "process." (for lack of a better word...) I had my surgery over 9 years ago. I've maintained my weight loss, don't have any horrible side effects, and honestly, I am used to eating small amounts. One thing that I think about a lot is how different my life is today...compared to my life pre-surgery. People treat you differently, talk to you differently, and look at you differently. All that "love" stuff will come in time...I guarantee that you will start putting yourself first more often.

This post sucks...it's hard to explain what I'm trying to say. If you want to, PM me...LOL :)
 
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