Writer's Note: I came to love the old 1950's sitcom, The Honeymooners, starring Jackie Gleason, from watching re-runs when I was in college. Amazingly (and unlike other great period comedies like All in the Family from the early 70's), it has aged well, with Gleason's and Art Carney's schtick still working 50-some years later. One of the things I have always liked is the banter, frequently quite surly, between Ralph Kramden (Gleason) and his wife Alice (Audrey Meadows). She constantly delivered great put down lines about Ralph's weight and Ralph was constantly threatening to send Alice "to the moon" with his balled up fist (not that he would ever have actually struck her, domestic violence was not in him, and besides, Alice probably could have kicked his ***). But they also had more than a few tender moments and Alice knew what she was getting into with Ralph's weight when they got married, so I began to figure that there really was some real gravitas behind this fictional marriage and that if this had been real life, we probably would have found that (1) Alice was a bona fide FFA, and (2) Ralph loved her making light of his obesity.
So, here is my attempt at trying to guess what might have gone on behind the scenes in the Kramden household ...
* * * * *
Ralph trudged up the front steps of the brownstone apartment building after a long day of driving his bus, thankful that he and Alice had a first floor apartment so that he didn't have to drag his 350 pound plus ass up another set of steps. The flight of twelve or so steps up to the front door already had him winded.
He walked another twenty paces to his apartment, flung open the door and announced, like he was the king of the castle, "honey I'm home!" The queen and undisputed ruler of the castle was standing at the kitchen table and said "I'm right here Ralph, no need to shout." She had what looked like a bolt's worth of fabric spread out on the table and Ralph asked "what are ya doin', making a tent or something?" She gave him a laser-like stare and said "no, I'm letting out the waist of your suit pants." Ralph said "oh ..." and Alice predictably said "you keep eating and I keep letting 'em out."
She continued "you know, my mother told me not to marry you. Said you were only going to get fatter and fatter and eat us out of house and home. She told me if I wanted to marry a fat man, I should marry that young butcher who lived down the street from us -- she figured he could at least bring home stuff from work every night instead of us having to spend every dime you make buying groceries to keep you so friggin' fat."
Ralph responded "to the moon Alice, to the moon" and went on "you know I was quite popular with the women back then -- I could have had my pick of the old neighborhood -- in fact, when I went to Coney Island, all the women crowded around ME on the beach."
"Oh yeah Fatso? They were just crowded around you so they could be in the shade!" Then she gave Ralphie a playful poke in the stomach and asked "you're pretty excited by now aren't you big boy?"
"Oh yeah baby, I've got a raging hard on, I love it when you talk that way!"
Then Alice started loosening Ralph's tie, the tip of which only hung to mid-belly because he was so fat. Then she unbuckled his belt and undid his bus driver's uniform slacks, letting them drop down to his feet. Then she unbuttoned the bottom four buttons on his uniform shirt and pulled it up above his huge upper belly roll, telling him "let's see what's hiding under all this blubber."
Ralph kicked his feet out of his trouser legs, then kicked his shoes off, sending his massive belly quaking up and down and side to side with his movements. Alice commented how she loved that he had gotten so fat over their 18 years of marriage and asked if he had weighed himself in the bus driver's locker room that evening. "I did" he said, "but I'm not going to tell you, you have to guess."
"Oh please Ralph, please" Alice pleaded. "You've got to guess," he responded. As Alice pulled down his 58-inch boxers and started reaching under his massive belly overhang, she said "well you weighed 354 last week and you have just made an absolute pig of yourself the last few days, eating everything I put in front of you and then asking for more. I'm guessing you weigh 360, no make that 361 pounds. Am I close Fatty?"
"Nope."
"Am I warm?"
"Pretty close."
"OK then Two Ton, how about 363 pounds?
"You win the prize baby" and then he hefted up his belly, revealing what truly was a massive hard-on.
Alice exclaimed "my mother definitely didn't know about THIS when I married you." Then she turned her back to him and reached back with one hand to grab Ralph's rigid cock and started leading him to the bedroom just like a circus handler leading an elephant by his trunk. "Make the elephant sound for me Fatty!" He put both hands up to his pudgy cheeks and trumpeted "buuuuuuurrrrraaaaahhhh."
Twenty minutes later when they were canoodling in bed, Ralph with great effort rolled himself on his side and asked Alice "why did you marry me honey? You could have had the pick of the old neighborhood and instead you chose the fat guy."
"Ralph sweetie, I knew in seventh grade that I was going to marry you. You were the fattest kid by far -- you must have weighed 225 pounds then and you were maybe 5'3" -- your belly was so huge ... and your ass and love handles too ... I just knew I had to have you!" Then she planted a nice little kiss on his forehead. "Then you must have been close to 300 by the time you graduated and I was ready to make my move, but then you got drafted into the Army."
"You were so out of shape, I hoped they would make you a cook and you'd come back weighing 500 pounds. But instead, they made you get in shape and you came back weighing only 200 pounds. I was so afraid that some other woman was going to grab you that I had to make my move."
Ralph smiled and said, "yeah baby, that was when you started bringing me donuts and canoles every day."
"And before long, you were nice and fat again and I knew I wouldn't have any competition for all this blubber!" Then Alice started kneeding Ralph's prodigous belly rolls and man breasts and telling him she couldn't believe how fat he was, that he would make at least two of the men she used to date in high school, and Ralph quickly got aroused again. Then she climbed on top to "ride my enormous elephant of a husband." And he made his elephant trumpet call at least four times during Alice's ride, sending her to climax on the last call.
Then Alice whispered in Ralph's ear "I can't wait until you're too fat to fit your belly behind the steering wheel of the bus and they have to assign you to a desk job where all you will do is eat ... I'll see you at 500 pounds yet my beautiful pachyderm ..."
So, here is my attempt at trying to guess what might have gone on behind the scenes in the Kramden household ...
* * * * *
Ralph trudged up the front steps of the brownstone apartment building after a long day of driving his bus, thankful that he and Alice had a first floor apartment so that he didn't have to drag his 350 pound plus ass up another set of steps. The flight of twelve or so steps up to the front door already had him winded.
He walked another twenty paces to his apartment, flung open the door and announced, like he was the king of the castle, "honey I'm home!" The queen and undisputed ruler of the castle was standing at the kitchen table and said "I'm right here Ralph, no need to shout." She had what looked like a bolt's worth of fabric spread out on the table and Ralph asked "what are ya doin', making a tent or something?" She gave him a laser-like stare and said "no, I'm letting out the waist of your suit pants." Ralph said "oh ..." and Alice predictably said "you keep eating and I keep letting 'em out."
She continued "you know, my mother told me not to marry you. Said you were only going to get fatter and fatter and eat us out of house and home. She told me if I wanted to marry a fat man, I should marry that young butcher who lived down the street from us -- she figured he could at least bring home stuff from work every night instead of us having to spend every dime you make buying groceries to keep you so friggin' fat."
Ralph responded "to the moon Alice, to the moon" and went on "you know I was quite popular with the women back then -- I could have had my pick of the old neighborhood -- in fact, when I went to Coney Island, all the women crowded around ME on the beach."
"Oh yeah Fatso? They were just crowded around you so they could be in the shade!" Then she gave Ralphie a playful poke in the stomach and asked "you're pretty excited by now aren't you big boy?"
"Oh yeah baby, I've got a raging hard on, I love it when you talk that way!"
Then Alice started loosening Ralph's tie, the tip of which only hung to mid-belly because he was so fat. Then she unbuckled his belt and undid his bus driver's uniform slacks, letting them drop down to his feet. Then she unbuttoned the bottom four buttons on his uniform shirt and pulled it up above his huge upper belly roll, telling him "let's see what's hiding under all this blubber."
Ralph kicked his feet out of his trouser legs, then kicked his shoes off, sending his massive belly quaking up and down and side to side with his movements. Alice commented how she loved that he had gotten so fat over their 18 years of marriage and asked if he had weighed himself in the bus driver's locker room that evening. "I did" he said, "but I'm not going to tell you, you have to guess."
"Oh please Ralph, please" Alice pleaded. "You've got to guess," he responded. As Alice pulled down his 58-inch boxers and started reaching under his massive belly overhang, she said "well you weighed 354 last week and you have just made an absolute pig of yourself the last few days, eating everything I put in front of you and then asking for more. I'm guessing you weigh 360, no make that 361 pounds. Am I close Fatty?"
"Nope."
"Am I warm?"
"Pretty close."
"OK then Two Ton, how about 363 pounds?
"You win the prize baby" and then he hefted up his belly, revealing what truly was a massive hard-on.
Alice exclaimed "my mother definitely didn't know about THIS when I married you." Then she turned her back to him and reached back with one hand to grab Ralph's rigid cock and started leading him to the bedroom just like a circus handler leading an elephant by his trunk. "Make the elephant sound for me Fatty!" He put both hands up to his pudgy cheeks and trumpeted "buuuuuuurrrrraaaaahhhh."
Twenty minutes later when they were canoodling in bed, Ralph with great effort rolled himself on his side and asked Alice "why did you marry me honey? You could have had the pick of the old neighborhood and instead you chose the fat guy."
"Ralph sweetie, I knew in seventh grade that I was going to marry you. You were the fattest kid by far -- you must have weighed 225 pounds then and you were maybe 5'3" -- your belly was so huge ... and your ass and love handles too ... I just knew I had to have you!" Then she planted a nice little kiss on his forehead. "Then you must have been close to 300 by the time you graduated and I was ready to make my move, but then you got drafted into the Army."
"You were so out of shape, I hoped they would make you a cook and you'd come back weighing 500 pounds. But instead, they made you get in shape and you came back weighing only 200 pounds. I was so afraid that some other woman was going to grab you that I had to make my move."
Ralph smiled and said, "yeah baby, that was when you started bringing me donuts and canoles every day."
"And before long, you were nice and fat again and I knew I wouldn't have any competition for all this blubber!" Then Alice started kneeding Ralph's prodigous belly rolls and man breasts and telling him she couldn't believe how fat he was, that he would make at least two of the men she used to date in high school, and Ralph quickly got aroused again. Then she climbed on top to "ride my enormous elephant of a husband." And he made his elephant trumpet call at least four times during Alice's ride, sending her to climax on the last call.
Then Alice whispered in Ralph's ear "I can't wait until you're too fat to fit your belly behind the steering wheel of the bus and they have to assign you to a desk job where all you will do is eat ... I'll see you at 500 pounds yet my beautiful pachyderm ..."
