The Official Joke Thread :D

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TheSadeianLinguist

Coin-Operated
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A man goes to the doctor. Says he's depressed.

He says life seems harsh and cruel. Says he feels all alone in a threatening world where what lies ahead is vague and uncertain.

The doctor says "Treatment is simple. Great clown Pagliacci is in town tonight. Go and see him. That should pick you up."

The man bursts into tears. He says, "But Doctor... I am Pagliacci."
 

bbwsweetheart

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A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa , taking her faithful aged poodle named Cuddles, along for the company.

One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long, Cuddles discovers that he's lost.. Wandering about, he notices a leopard heading
rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.

The old poodle thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep doo-doo now!" Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap the old poodle exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?"

Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. "Whew!", says the leopard, "That was close! That old poodle nearly had me!"

Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So off he goes, but the old poodle sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.

The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!

Now, the old poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?", but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old poodle says.

"Where's that damn monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!

Moral of this story....


Don't mess with old farts...age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill! Bullshit and brilliance only come with age and experience.
 

Blackjack_Jeeves

I'm a pepper, too...
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As I enjoy the short, pointless jokes...

THIRTY ONE-LINERS TO MAKE YOU SMILE

1. My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't.

2. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.

3. I work hard because millions on welfare depend on me.

4. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.

5. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

6. Don't take life too seriously; no one gets out alive.

7. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.

8. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

9. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.

10. I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are missing.

11. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

12. NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine.

13. God must love stupid people. He made so many.

14. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

15. Consciousness is that annoying time between naps.

16. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

17. Being "over the hill" is much better than being under it!

18. Wrinkled was not one of the things I wanted to be when I grew up.

19. Procrastinate Now!

20. I have a degree in liberal arts. Do you want fries with that?

21. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

22. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.

23. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!

24. They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.

25. He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead.

26. A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory.

27. Ham and eggs. A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.

28. The trouble with life is there's no background music.

29. The original point and click interface was a Smith and Wesson.

30. Ever get the feeling your stuff strutted off without you?

31. If you mated a bulldog with a shitzu, would you get a bullshit?
 

Ho Ho Tai

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Moral of this story....Don't mess with old farts...age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill! Bullshit and brilliance only come with age and experience.

Aw, BBS! You promised you wouldn't give away my secret.
 

Wayne_Zitkus

Proud FA Since 1962
Joined
Sep 29, 2005
Messages
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Location
Deepindahearta, Texas
There were two brothers, who were very close all their lives. Jim Frank always stayed on the straight and narrow, while his brother Sam was always a troublemaker. But they shared a strong brotherly bond nevertheless.

Unfortunately, they both died at the same time and found themselves at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter looked at them and said, Jim Frank, welcome to heaven. Sam, I'm afraid you'll have to go to the other place.

For the first time, Jim and Sam were separated.

After a few months, Jim was lonely. Sure, Heaven was beautiful, but he missed his brother Sam. Finally, he went to see St. Peter.

"St. Peter, can't you let my brother come here?"

"I'm sorry, Jim. Rules are rules, you know."

"Well, can I go visit him?"

St. Peter thought for a moment and said, "Let me talk it over with The Boss."

St. Peter went to talk to God, and returned a few moments later.

"OK, Jim - here's what we can do. You can go visit your brother for one day, but then you have to come right back here - OK?"

Jim was overjoyed. "Oh, that's GREAT!! Thank you, St. Peter!"

So preparations were made for Jim's trip to hell. And when he got there, he saw that his brother was doing very well. Sam and Satan were real close, he had a Cadillac to drive around in, and women hanging on each arm. Sam had even built a disco down there for others to enjoy. And although Jim had always been rather straight-laced, he enjoyed dancing the night away in his brother's disco.

Finally, it was time for Jim to return to Heaven. He said goodbye to his brother and ascended. Since it was late, the Pearly Gates were locked, so he knocked to have St. Peter let him in.

St. Peter heard him knocking, and went to open the Gates. He took one look at Jim and said, "Jim Frank!! You're a mess!!! Your gown is dirty, your wings are bend, your halo is tarnished, and what happened to your harp?"

Jim realized he didn't have his harp, and suddenly remembered where he had left it.

"Oh, no!!", he exclaimed. "I left my harp in Sam Frank's Disco!!!""

:D :bow:
 

Green Eyed Fairy

Veteran of a 1000 Psychic Wars
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Yes, I am shamelessly bumping my own threads... ;)

As seen in a dog's diary :

7 am - Oh boy! A walk! My favorite!
8 am - Oh boy! Dog food! My favorite!
9 am - Oh boy! The kids! My favorite!
Noon - Oh boy! The yard! My favorite!
2 pm - Oh boy! A car ride! My favorite!

3 pm - Oh boy! The kids! My favorite!
4 pm - Oh boy! Playing ball! My favorite!
6 pm - Oh boy! Welcome home Mom! My favorite!
7 pm - Oh boy! Welcome home Dad! My favorite!

8 pm - Oh boy! Dog food! My favorite!
9 pm - Oh boy! Tummy rubs on the couch! My favorite!
11 pm - Oh boy! Sleeping in my people's bed! My favorite!

As seen in a cat's diary:
Day 183 of my captivity... My captors continued to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects.

They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction that I get from clawing their furniture.


Tomorrow I will eat another houseplant.

Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded - must try this at the top of the stairs.

In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair. I must remember to try this on their bed.

Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body in an attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear in their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was

Hmmm, that did not work according to plan .

There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the food. More important, I overheard that my confinement was due to my powers of inducing "allergies." I must learn what this is and how I may use it to my advantage.

I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit.

The bird, on the other hand, has got to be an informant and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room, his safety is assured. But I have patience, I can wait, it is only a matter of time

*************************************

A man scanned the guests at a party and spotted an attractive woman
standing alone. He approached her and asked her name.
"My name is Carmen," she told him.
"That's a beautiful name," he said. "Is it a family name?"
"No," she replied. "I gave it to myself. It reflects the things I like
most - cars and men."
"What's your name?" she asked.
"Beertits," he said


***************************************


A teacher gave her class of 11 year olds an assignment: To get
their Parent to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.

The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their
stories.

Ashley said, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying
hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the
front seat of the car when we hit a big bump in the road and all the eggs got broken."

"What's the morale of that story?" asked the teacher.

"Don't put allyour eggs in one basket!"

"Very good," said the teacher.

Next little Sarah raised her hand and said, "Our family are
Farmers too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. One day we
had a dozen eggs, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks, and the moral to this story is, 'Don't count your chickens before they're hatched'."

"That was a fine story Sarah.

"Michael, do you have a story to share?"

"Yes. My daddy told me this story about my Aunty Cathy. Aunty
Cathy was a flight engineer on a plane in the Gulf War and her
plane got hit..she had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whisky, a machine gun and a machete. She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break and then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops. She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets. Then she killed twenty more with the machete until the blade broke. And then she killed the last ten with her bare hands."

"Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "what kind of moral
did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?"

Stay the f**k away from Aunty Cathy when she's been drinking
 

Deemondess

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Apr 21, 2006
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A woman and her boyfriend are out for New Years
having a few drinks. While they're sitting there having
a good time together she starts talking about this really
great new drink. The more she talks about it the more
excited she gets, and starts trying to talk her boyfriend
into having one.
After a while he gives in and lets her order the drink for him.
The bartender brings the drink and puts the following on the bar
-- a salt shaker, a shot of Baileys and a shot of lime juice.
The boyfriend looks at the items quizzically and the woman explains.
"First you put a bit of the salt on your tongue, next you drink the
shot of Baileys and hold it in your mouth, and finally you drink
the lime juice."
So, the boyfriend, trying to go along and please her, goes for it.
He puts the salt on his tongue -- salty but OK. He drinks the shot
of Baileys - smooth, rich, cool, very pleasant. He thinks -
this is OK. Finally he picksup the lime juice and drinks it...
in one second the sharp lime taste hits... at two seconds the Baileys
curdles...
at three seconds the salty curdled bitter
taste hits. This triggers his gag reflex but being
manly, and not wanting to disappoint his girlfriend,
he swallows the now nasty drink. When he finally
chokes it down he turns to his girlfriend.
She smiles widely at him and says, "So, how did you like it?"

Not bad he replied.
"It's called 'Blow Job's Revenge" she said
 

Chimpi

into the shining sun
Joined
Feb 5, 2006
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I got this in an e-mail from one of my co-workers the other day:

Defense Attorney:
Will you please state your age?

Little Old Lady:
I am 86 years old.

Defense Attorney:
Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night
of April 1st?

Little Old Lady:
There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on
a warm Spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up
on the porch and sat down beside me.

Defense Attorney:
Did you know him?

Little Old Lady:
No, but he sure was friendly.

Defense Attorney:
What happened after he sat down?

Little Old Lady:
He started to rub my thigh.

Defense Attorney:
Did you stop him?

Little Old Lady:
No, I didn't stop him.

Defense Attorney:
Why not?

Little Old Lady:
It felt good. Nobody had done that since my husband died
some 30 years ago.

Defense Attorney:
What happened next?

Little Old Lady:
He began to rub my breasts.

Defense Attorney:
Did you stop him then?

Little Old Lady:
No, I did not stop him.

Defense Attorney:
Why not?

Little Old Lady:
His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't
felt that good in years!

Defense Attorney:
What happened next?

Little Old Lady:
Well, by then, I was feeling so "spicy" that I just laid down
and told him "Take me, young man. Take me now!"

Defense Attorney:
Did he take you?

Little Old Lady:
Hell, no! He just yelled, "April Fool!" And that's when I shot
him, The Little bastard.
 

daddyoh70

DYELB?
Joined
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Two alligators were relaxing in the swamp talking.
The smaller one turned to the bigger one and said,
"I cain't understand how you kin be so much bigger 'n me.
We're the same age, and we was the same size as kids. I just don't get
it."
"Well," said the big 'gator, "What you been eatin', boy?"
"Politicians, same as you," replied the small 'gator.
"Hmm. Well, where do y'all catch 'em?"
"Down 'tother side of the swamp near the parkin' lot by the capitol."
"Same here. Hmm. How do you catch 'em?"
"Well, I crawls up into one of them Lexus and wait fer one to open the car
door.
"Then I jump out, grab 'em on the leg, shake the shit out of 'em, and eat
'em!"
"Ah!" says the big alligator, "I think I see your problem. You ain't
gettin' any real nourishment."
"See, by the time you get done shakin' the shit out of a Politician,
there ain't nothin' left but an asshole and a briefcase!"
 

Wayne_Zitkus

Proud FA Since 1962
Joined
Sep 29, 2005
Messages
3,202
Location
Deepindahearta, Texas
Here's one I just got in an e-mail from my cousin Karen back East:

Keep the motor running

He's 72, She's 24. It was the stir of the town when an 72 year old man married a 24 year old girl!.

After a year of marriage she went to the hospital to give birth. The nurse came out to congratulate the fellow saying: " This is amazing. How do you do it at your age?"

He answered, "You've got to keep the old motor running."

The following year the young bride gave birth again. The same nurse said: "You are truly amazing. how do you do it?" He again said: "You've got to keep that old engine running."

The same thing happened the next year. The nurse then said: "Well, well, well !!! you are certainly quite a man!" He responded, " You've got to keep the old engine running."

The nurse then said: "Well, you better change the oil. "This one's black. "

:doh:
 

Chimpi

into the shining sun
Joined
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Messages
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The day after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident, an Anchorage man answered his door to find two grim-faced Alaska State Troopers.

"We're sorry Mr. Wilkens, but we have some information about your wife," said one trooper.

"Tell me! Did you find her?!" Wilkens shouted.

The troopers looked at each other. One said, "We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?"

Fearing the worst, an ashen Mr. Wilkens said, "Give me the bad news first."

The trooper said, "I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning we found your wife's body in Kachemak Bay ."

"Oh my God!" exclaimed Wilkens. Swallowing hard, he asked, "What's the good news?"

The trooper continued, "When we pulled her up, she had 12 twenty-five pound King crabs and 6 good-size Dungeness crabs clinging to her."

Stunned, Mr. Wilkens demanded, "If that's the good news, what's the great news?"

The trooper said, "We're going to pull her up again tomorrow."

--------------------------------------------------------------------

I couldn't help myself. It's interestingly humorous.
 

daddyoh70

DYELB?
Joined
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Here's one I just got in an email...
OhFred.jpg
 

Santaclear

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So a rabbi, two state troopers and a nun all walk into a bar together.

What'll ya have?," the bartender asks the rabbi, who seems to sort of be in charge.

"I'll have what she's having," he answers loudly, pointing to an old disshevelled woman sitting alone drinking at the bar.

"Who?," the bartender replied.

"What she's having? That woman there," the rabbi said a little softer, pointing again at the woman.

"There's no one there," the bartender said quietly.

The rabbi, the state troopers and the nun all looked in disbelief at the spot where the woman had just been. She was gone. Long silence.

"What is this?," the bartender demanded. "Some kind of joke?"
 

bbwsweetheart

Dutch Hugaholic Treat
Joined
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WHAT IS A GRANDPARENT? (taken from actual papers written by a class of
8-year-olds)

Grandparents are a lady and a man who have no little children of her own. They like other people's. A grandfather is a man & a grandmother is a lady! Grandparents don't have to do anything except be there when we come to see them. They are so old they shouldn't play hard or run. It is good if they drive us to the shops and give us money. When they take us for walks, they slow down past things like pretty leaves and caterpillars. They show us and talk to us about the color of the flowers and also why we shouldn't step on "cracks." They don't say, "Hurry up." Usually grandmothers are fat but not too fat to tie your shoes. They wear glasses and funny underwear. They can take their teeth and gums out. Grandparents don't have to be smart. They have to answer questions like "why isn't God married?" and "How come dogs chase cats?". When they read to us, they don't skip. They don't mind if we ask for the same story over again. Everybody should try to have a grandmother, especially if you don't have television because they are the only grown ups who like to spend time with us. They know we should have snack-time before bedtime and they say prayers with us every time and kiss us even when we've acted bad. A 6 YEAR OLD WAS ASKED WHERE HIS GRANDMA LIVED. ''OH,'' HE SAID, ''SHE LIVES AT THE AIRPORT AND WHEN WE WANT HER WE JUST GO GET HER. THEN WHEN WE'RE DONE HAVING HER VISIT, WE TAKE HER BACK TO THE AIRPORT.'' GRANDPA IS THE SMARTEST MAN ON EARTH! HE TEACHES ME GOOD THINGS BUT I DON'T GET TO SEE HIM ENOUGH TO GET AS SMART AS HIM! It's funny when they bend over, you hear gas leaks and they blame their dog."
 

Ho Ho Tai

Well-Known Member
Joined
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Have jokes you wish to share? Do you find some of those email jokes that are always being passed around absolutely hilarious? Well, this is the spot to share them :D

:p

Well, here's an oldie, but goodie, which came to mind during a recent shopping trip.

Little Mary is all jitters as she and her mother prepare her for her entry into high school social circles, her first dance. She is, perhaps a bit behind in her physical development, so mama is doing what mothers have done forever, "tucking in some cotton, where Nature has forgotten." She tops it off with a family heirloom, a strand of pearls, handed down from mother to daughter for generations.

Mary's date, Jerome, shows up at the door with the requisite corsage, and off they go. Some time later, but not nearly long enough, Mary is back at her mother's door, in tears. Her mother is nonplussed, but manages to ask what has gone wrong.

Mary: "He kept staring at my chest. He asked, "Gee Mary - are those real?" Well!"

Mother: "Well, I hope you told them that they were. They belonged to your great-great grandmother and have been in the family for generations."

Mary: "Oh! The pearls! I forgot about the pearls!"
 

Green Eyed Fairy

Veteran of a 1000 Psychic Wars
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A 5-year-old boy went to visit his grandmother one day. Playing with his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting, he looked up and said,
"Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend now that Grandpa went to heaven?"
Grandma replied, "Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long. The religious programs make me feel good and the comedies make me laugh. I'm happy with my TV as my boyfriend."

Grandma turned on the TV, and the reception was terrible. She started
adjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture in focus. Frustrated, she started hitting the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem. The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door, and there stood Grandma's minister.
The minister said, "Hello, son, is your Grandma home?"
The little boy replied, "Yeah, she's in the bedroom bangin' her boyfriend."

The Minister fainted!!!!

************************************

One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts. He'd toss one in the air, then catch it in his mouth. In the middle of catching one, his wife asked a question, and as he turned to answer her, the peanut fell into his ear.

He tried and tried to dig it out but succeeded only in pushing it in deeper. His wife tried to help, but after hours of trying they became worried and decided to go to the hospital. As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home with her date. After being informed of the problem, their daughter's date said he could get the peanut out.

The young man told the father to sit down, then shoved two fingers up the father's nose and told him to blow hard. When the father blew, the peanut flew out.

The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy. The young man insisted that it was nothing and the daughter brought the young man out to the kitchen for something to eat.

Once he was gone the mother turned to the father and said, "That's wonderful - isn't he smart? What do you think he's going to be when he grows older?" The father replied, "From the smell of his fingers, our son-in-law!"

************************************

A woman goes to her boyfriends' parents' house for dinner. This is to be her first time meeting the family and she is very nervous. They all sit down and begin eating a fine meal. The woman is beginning to feel a little discomfort, thanks to her nervousness and the broccoli casserole. The gas pains are almost making her eyes water. Left with no other choice, she decides to relieve herself a bit and lets out a dainty fart. It wasn't loud, but everyone at the table heard the poof. Before she even had a chance to be embarrassed, her boyfriend's father looked over at the dog that had been snoozing at the woman's feet and said in a rather stern voice, "Skippy!".
The woman thought, "This is great!" and a big smile came across her face. A couple of minutes later, she was beginning to feel the pain again. This time, she didn't even hesitate. She let a much louder and longer fart rip.

The father again looked and the dog and yelled, "Dammit Skippy!"

Once again the woman smiled and thought "Yes!". A few minutes later the woman had to let another one rip. This time she didn't even think about it. She let rip a fart that rivaled a train whistle blowing.

Once again, the father looked at the dog with disgust and yelled, "Dammit
Skippy, get away from her before she shits on you!"
 

bbwsweetheart

Dutch Hugaholic Treat
Joined
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Dedicated to Swamptoad :bow:



Boudreaux been fish'n down by de bayou all day an he done run outta night crawlers.
He be bout reddy to leave when he seen a snake wit a big frog in his mouf.
He knowed dat dem big bass fish like frogs, so he decides to steal dat froggie.
Dat snake, he be a cotton moufed water moccasin, so Boudreaux had to be real careful or he'd get bit.
He snuk up behine de snake and grabbed him roun de haid. Dat ole snake din't lak dat one bit.
He squirmed and wrapped hisself roun Boudreaux's arm try'n to get hisself free.
But Boudreaux, him, hada real good grip on his haid, yeh.
Well, Boudreaux pried his mouf open and got de frog and puts it in his bait can.
Boudreaux gona run outa bait...

Now, Boudreaux knows dat he cain't let go dat snake or he's gonna bite him good, but he had a plan.
He reach into de back pocket of his bib overhauls and pulls out a pint a Alabama moonshine likker.
He pour some drops into de snakes mouf. Well, dat snake's eyeballs roll back in his haid and his body go limp.
Wit dat, Boudreaux toss dat snake into de bayou, den he goes back to fish'n.
A while later Boudreaux dun feel sumpin tappin' on his barefoot toe.
He slowly look down and dere be dat cotton moufed water moccasin... wif two more frogs.


Life is good...
 

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