I have a lot of things I'm stressing out about right now, but for today I'm only going to blog about the most important thing: my grandfather.
DISCLAIMER: This is a very long post, so those with ADD or any sort of inability to read long things are exempt from reading and replying (lol). But for those who are bored or have free time on their hands or whatever, I really appreciate you taking your time to read this, and hopefully reply with any comment, advice, or relatable experience that you may have. I love you guys, you've been a really great support in the past.
He's 70 years old and has had many small bouts of skin cancer before and always come out on top, but now cancer has developed internally (in his prostate), and it's starting to take a toll on him.
My grandfather has always been very healthy, even at 70 and with massive back surgeries in his past he's always done all the housework and maintained such an active lifestyle that he makes most 50-year-olds look bad.
Seeing him now, rather sickly and dealing with infections, radiation soon, and facing his own mortality, has really jolted my whole perception of him. He's always been this beacon of security, a light in my life. My mother is breaking down because she recently lost her mother (my grandmother, and the ex-wife of the grandfather I'm talking about), and so she's also relying on me for support.
My grandpa has always told me that he would be okay with dying, even if it were to happen tomorrow, because he's lived such a good life, and I accept that. I'm calm about the whole situation because everybody else in the family is either freaking out or in denial, and I've basically become the rock everybody leans upon.
I'm doing my best to go over to my grandparents' house as much as possible, even when it means that we just sit around and watch television together, nothing special. I could be using that time to go out with friends or whatever, but I think that my presence right now is very important, for my grandfather as well as my stepgrandmother.
The problem is that I'm actually really scared of losing him. I don't know what I'd do if he died -- I make everyone else think that I'm so levelheaded and collected and sensible when it comes to death and this sort of thing, but I'm really wigging out. I'm okay with the concept of grandpa dying, because I know that he's okay with it, but I'm not okay with the concept of losing my grandpa, if that makes any sense. He's such a huge part of my life that I don't know how I'll cope or feel if he leaves it.
I don't think anybody in my family can handle hearing that I too have doubts - I know for sure it would send my mother over the edge, because she relies on my reassurances that everything will be okay to keep her sanity nowadays. If I were to admit that I am also scared, it would be like telling the whole family that I too think he will die. And I don't want that, at all. So talking to them about my own feelings is basically out of the question.
I don't know how to cope with these feelings, on my own, right now, and especially don't know how I'd be able to handle my feelings if he were to die.
My grandpa has always filled my absent father's place in my life, so it'd be like losing two very important people, and filled roles, at once. Very hardcore right now.
DISCLAIMER: This is a very long post, so those with ADD or any sort of inability to read long things are exempt from reading and replying (lol). But for those who are bored or have free time on their hands or whatever, I really appreciate you taking your time to read this, and hopefully reply with any comment, advice, or relatable experience that you may have. I love you guys, you've been a really great support in the past.
He's 70 years old and has had many small bouts of skin cancer before and always come out on top, but now cancer has developed internally (in his prostate), and it's starting to take a toll on him.
My grandfather has always been very healthy, even at 70 and with massive back surgeries in his past he's always done all the housework and maintained such an active lifestyle that he makes most 50-year-olds look bad.
Seeing him now, rather sickly and dealing with infections, radiation soon, and facing his own mortality, has really jolted my whole perception of him. He's always been this beacon of security, a light in my life. My mother is breaking down because she recently lost her mother (my grandmother, and the ex-wife of the grandfather I'm talking about), and so she's also relying on me for support.
My grandpa has always told me that he would be okay with dying, even if it were to happen tomorrow, because he's lived such a good life, and I accept that. I'm calm about the whole situation because everybody else in the family is either freaking out or in denial, and I've basically become the rock everybody leans upon.
I'm doing my best to go over to my grandparents' house as much as possible, even when it means that we just sit around and watch television together, nothing special. I could be using that time to go out with friends or whatever, but I think that my presence right now is very important, for my grandfather as well as my stepgrandmother.
The problem is that I'm actually really scared of losing him. I don't know what I'd do if he died -- I make everyone else think that I'm so levelheaded and collected and sensible when it comes to death and this sort of thing, but I'm really wigging out. I'm okay with the concept of grandpa dying, because I know that he's okay with it, but I'm not okay with the concept of losing my grandpa, if that makes any sense. He's such a huge part of my life that I don't know how I'll cope or feel if he leaves it.
I don't think anybody in my family can handle hearing that I too have doubts - I know for sure it would send my mother over the edge, because she relies on my reassurances that everything will be okay to keep her sanity nowadays. If I were to admit that I am also scared, it would be like telling the whole family that I too think he will die. And I don't want that, at all. So talking to them about my own feelings is basically out of the question.
I don't know how to cope with these feelings, on my own, right now, and especially don't know how I'd be able to handle my feelings if he were to die.
My grandpa has always filled my absent father's place in my life, so it'd be like losing two very important people, and filled roles, at once. Very hardcore right now.
