I've been debating on whether or not to share my WLS story since I found these forums. Clearly it's a controversial thing here but it's also something that I think many overweight people consider at one time or another. It seems that even on a forum that promotes size acceptance there are clearly those who are unhappy with their current size and information needs to be shared honestly. It helps to get some of that information from sources other than a VERY VERY pro-WLS forum such as ObesityHelp.com or from doctors who are often making much money and have little real compassion for their patients. It IS a huge market to tap after all (no pun intended).
I apologize in advance for the length of this post but I think it's important to really share where I was coming from when I had WLS and where I am today. This isn't a sour grapes post nor a pro or con WLS post but it's simply my experience and perhaps it will help someone along the way.
I have been heavy all of my teenage and adult life. I started gaining weight in the third grade and gradually increased from that time on. Some years there was larger weight gain than others. I was 180 or so pounds when I graduated from highschool. I was 240 or so pounds 6 years later and 6 years after that I was at 300lbs. I say this in all honesty ... many people who are large EAT a great deal but that isn't true for all people. Yes I ate, of course, but I never ate and ate. I didn't eat more than a burger, fries and a drink for instance when I went to McDonalds. I didn't sneak lots of food. I ate a good deal less than many of my friends but I always packed on the lbs.
I tried every diet but couldn't lose more than 7 lbs once and I am sure that was simply water weight. Of course, I would get discouraged ... think I was just a lazy slob and give up. I have never EVER had a successful diet in my life. I would eat less but the scales just would not budge. I also had highly irregular periods and an almost constant flow or constant spotting for months at a time. At the time I was too embarrassed to seek medical help so I had no idea that I had Poly-Cystic Ovarian Disease. I would get lectures when I went in to see a doctor but no one ever did any real tests on me, they just assumed that I was eating like no tommorrow and that gluttony alone was my issue.
Finally at 300 or so lbs I found a really good doctor who gave me my FIRST thyroid test that I had ever had. What a shocker ... I have hypo-thyroidism. So I go on synthroid and they tell me that NOW I can finally lose weight. No dice. I didn't gain any more but I lost nothing more even though I had renewed hope to try harder. About 5 or 6 years ago I started having neurapathy in my legs - tingling, numbness, sensitivity to touch and was having a majorily hard time with much mobility. I could get up and walk but just going to get the mail was exhausting! I never wanted to go shopping or anything because it just took too much effort. I had sworn off doctors because the one I really liked left town and I just didn't want to go through more of the same humiliation.
Finally I went to a phenominal doctor who ordered blood sugar tests and a whole panel of other tests for me. My blood sugar had been fine when they caught the thyroid issue but within a short time span the blood sugar sky rocketed way out of control. I wasn't gaining more but suddenly I was experiencing blood sugar highs that almost made me comatose and I was losing sensation in my legs and feet. Add to that, I suddenly had serious blood pressure issues. My doctor initially got me stablized on oral and nightly shots of insulin and 1,000 miligrams of blood pressure medicine a day. I was also taking 6, yes 6 prilosec a day for the constant pain in my stomach. Unspecific cause after several scopes.
However, I continued to have the difficulties in my legs and finally went to my doctor to ask about WLS. I was feeling so hopeless and my quality of life was zip. I rarely got out of bed for more than a few hours and then I just felt so exhausted and yuck it was terrible. I honestly wanted to die at that point. She was far more receptive than I expected and was very supportive of me through the entire insurance procedure. I was required to have consults with cardiologist, a neurologist, a pulmonologist, an endocrinologist, and a pyschologist. I had the most eye opening experience with the endocrinologist that I had ever had in my life to that point. Upon hearing about my medical history and examining me, he was very candid. He told me that he generally didn't promote WLS for most any of his patients however, in my case, he informed me that I was essentially an endocrinological nightmare and that in his view, WLS was my only hope. He said that he really felt that within a few months I would be on 4 to 5 insulin shots a day. He said that he didn't see any way for me to successfully have natural weightloss and for that reason he was recommending the surgery for me.
I went through the rest of my consults and I started to allow myself to hope ... just a little bit that my life could be different. I allowed myself to day dream about things I had never before allowed myself to consider ... -normal- sized clothing ... just living a normal sized person's life. Keep in mind, I am 5'3" and by now weighed 318 lbs. My body just was too small to be able to handle the problems. So I keep reading about how WLS is the promised land for the terminally zaftig and how my life can be so much better. I joined a pro-WLS website and faithfully read how to make my surgery succeed ... droning along with everyone else about how "nothing tastes as good as skinny feels" ... I was a true believer.
I had my surgery 4 years ago this coming September. I was blessed ... aside from a strange thing that happened on the OR table ... I was a complication free patient in terms of the surgery itself. Yes I threw up ... but everyone does. Yes it was a tough recovery but that's to be expected. The important thing for me to stress here is that on the health side of the equation ... my diabetes STOPPED the day of my surgery and that isn't a joke. I have not taken another shot nor dose of oral meds since that day. I still check my bs a couple of times a week and it's still good. Amazingly good.
East Carolina University is doing major studies on the correlation between diabetes and WLS because they now believe that something in the thickness of the stomach itself PROMOTES diabetes. My blood sugars dropped instantly. I also have not been on ANY blood pressure medicine since the day of my surgery. 1,000 miligrams a day ... gone. My tachachardia ... at 120 beats per minute before surgery is now down to around 80 which is a vast improvement. No more prilosec either. They really don't even know why all of these things are affected so quickly after surgery.
At any rate ... my HEALTH issues were helped enormously by my surgery. My quality of life has improved 100% over what it was before. The neurapathy in my legs is gone. I feel so much better that I can barely explain it. For these reasons my surgery was life saving and successful. HOWEVER ... and there is a big however ...
I only lost 100lbs with my surgery. 8 months after my surgery I was diagnosed with an origin unknown condition called uveitis which requires me to get STEROID shots into my eyeballs every 4 months or so. Anyone who tries to say that steriods don't cause weight gain is not correct! Additionally I was advised to take the depo shot before my surgery without any consultation with me over my reaction to steriods. Depo shots ARE steriods and I really believe that was also a factor my body had to fight against with the WLS. At any rate ... I initially lost 100lbs ... HOWEVER I have since gained back 40lbs due to the steriod injections that I have needed for the last three years.
It might be easy to say that on the one hand, it's all about QUALITY of health but let's be real here. I was devastated. I was TOLD already that my ONLY chance to be close to normal sized was to have this surgery and lucky me ... I'm one of the people that others would not consider successful because I ultimatly only lost 60lbs. It's easier to say today that I realize that my health was worth it all and that it's true I am very much more healthy today. BUT ... NOTHING prepares you for the let down after a surgery that doesn't dramatically change you into a western acceptable figure in the eyes of the rest of the world ... when it's SUPPOSED to.
At first I had kept my WLS a secret however, as things progressed ... family find out ... friends find out ... word gets around. "Finally our fat friend is going to do something to get -normal-" and shazamm before you know it ... everyone else knows. And then ... when you don't shrink down to look like a human stick ... the "obvious" is right there for all to see ... CLEARLY you are so much of a glutton and a slob that even with radical surgery you can't stop eating. That IS what people think. Then you start spending all of your time explaining why you didn't lose a million pounds and how you even gained some back and inside you are just screaming ... "can't you love me for who I am and make me feel like an even worse failure????" I can't describe to you the depression or humiliation that comes from not having a -successful- surgery. I can't tell you the hopelessness that comes from feeling like you NEED to be normal sized so bad it's all you can think about ... only to have your dream shot ... FAIL.
I am not saying that WLS isn't the answer for some people. Especially if you have serious health problems ... the surgery may WELL be worth it for you. But for those who want to lose weight to be -normal sized- or who have fantasies based on what you see in other people ... about being skinny ... you MUST realize that even with the surgery there is NO promise. There is NO magic and there ARE -failures-. I thought that being skinny would finally make me happy and so that's what I was completely letting all of my hopes ride on ... becoming skinny. I got what I NEEDED from the surgery ... but I didn't get what I WANTED. And even though I got what I NEEDED ... it came with an enormous price psychologically and physically.
I finally had to stop going to the pro-WLS site where I only felt silent comdemnation from those who succeeded and were bragging about their size 6 jeans. Where I always had to answer the dread "how much have you lost" question daily. I was fortunate that I moved away from the city that I was living in when I had the surgery so I didn't have to mumble "I don't know" instead of confess, "I gained 3lbs this month". I did have some really self distructive behavior that came out of my depression and struggle to come to terms with my -only hope- to be skinny lost cause. I did some things I am very ashamed of ... including falsely present myself online with a picture of one of my skinny, beautiful friends because I wanted to be -someone else- besides the fat girl. I rationalized deception out of desperation because I just couldn't bear to look at the fat girl in the mirror and know that there was now, really and truly no help for me.
So today ... I am now learning how to LOVE me instead of spending my time and energy learning how to fix me or change me into a mold I just can not squeeze into. I am learning how to love myself and to try to be healthy and happy and sexy with the 260 lbs body that I am living with. I have stablized now it seems with my weight ... and I am more comfortable. Yes I loved being 221lbs but I didn't stay there and it was more of a dream than a reality, I was there such a short time. I now have to make peace with my size in a way that I never understood before the surgery. I have a lot more information now about my body and about what is realistic for me ... I feel some relief from the guilt that I carried for years that if I were only stronger, then I would be able to be skinny. Self acceptance isn't easy ... it's costly ... or rather the journey to self acceptance is costly.
I urge you to really and fully consider the REASONS why you may be interested in WLS surgery. I would advise anyone I know AGAINST WLS if it's simply a matter of wanting to be smaller for cosmetic reasons. The risks are too great and the results ARE unpredictable. The damage could be far more catastrophic than simply learning to love yourself and moderate yourself if that is needed. Ask yourself ... would you be satisfied with a 50lb total weight loss for all the pain and change that it brings? Would 50lbs significantly change your quality of life or would the risks that come along with it outweigh it? Contrary to those who -sell- the surgery ... it's not magic and there are consequences ... not just the long term ones that we rationalize to ourselves don't matter so much. For me the weight I lost was life saving and quality of life improving ... but it didn't change my status into the -normal- category I SILL have to learn to love this large woman and find out how to see her with eyes that appreciate instead of destroy.
Sorry for the length ... maybe it will be helpful to someone to read this ...
bright blessings!
♪midori
I apologize in advance for the length of this post but I think it's important to really share where I was coming from when I had WLS and where I am today. This isn't a sour grapes post nor a pro or con WLS post but it's simply my experience and perhaps it will help someone along the way.
I have been heavy all of my teenage and adult life. I started gaining weight in the third grade and gradually increased from that time on. Some years there was larger weight gain than others. I was 180 or so pounds when I graduated from highschool. I was 240 or so pounds 6 years later and 6 years after that I was at 300lbs. I say this in all honesty ... many people who are large EAT a great deal but that isn't true for all people. Yes I ate, of course, but I never ate and ate. I didn't eat more than a burger, fries and a drink for instance when I went to McDonalds. I didn't sneak lots of food. I ate a good deal less than many of my friends but I always packed on the lbs.
I tried every diet but couldn't lose more than 7 lbs once and I am sure that was simply water weight. Of course, I would get discouraged ... think I was just a lazy slob and give up. I have never EVER had a successful diet in my life. I would eat less but the scales just would not budge. I also had highly irregular periods and an almost constant flow or constant spotting for months at a time. At the time I was too embarrassed to seek medical help so I had no idea that I had Poly-Cystic Ovarian Disease. I would get lectures when I went in to see a doctor but no one ever did any real tests on me, they just assumed that I was eating like no tommorrow and that gluttony alone was my issue.
Finally at 300 or so lbs I found a really good doctor who gave me my FIRST thyroid test that I had ever had. What a shocker ... I have hypo-thyroidism. So I go on synthroid and they tell me that NOW I can finally lose weight. No dice. I didn't gain any more but I lost nothing more even though I had renewed hope to try harder. About 5 or 6 years ago I started having neurapathy in my legs - tingling, numbness, sensitivity to touch and was having a majorily hard time with much mobility. I could get up and walk but just going to get the mail was exhausting! I never wanted to go shopping or anything because it just took too much effort. I had sworn off doctors because the one I really liked left town and I just didn't want to go through more of the same humiliation.
Finally I went to a phenominal doctor who ordered blood sugar tests and a whole panel of other tests for me. My blood sugar had been fine when they caught the thyroid issue but within a short time span the blood sugar sky rocketed way out of control. I wasn't gaining more but suddenly I was experiencing blood sugar highs that almost made me comatose and I was losing sensation in my legs and feet. Add to that, I suddenly had serious blood pressure issues. My doctor initially got me stablized on oral and nightly shots of insulin and 1,000 miligrams of blood pressure medicine a day. I was also taking 6, yes 6 prilosec a day for the constant pain in my stomach. Unspecific cause after several scopes.
However, I continued to have the difficulties in my legs and finally went to my doctor to ask about WLS. I was feeling so hopeless and my quality of life was zip. I rarely got out of bed for more than a few hours and then I just felt so exhausted and yuck it was terrible. I honestly wanted to die at that point. She was far more receptive than I expected and was very supportive of me through the entire insurance procedure. I was required to have consults with cardiologist, a neurologist, a pulmonologist, an endocrinologist, and a pyschologist. I had the most eye opening experience with the endocrinologist that I had ever had in my life to that point. Upon hearing about my medical history and examining me, he was very candid. He told me that he generally didn't promote WLS for most any of his patients however, in my case, he informed me that I was essentially an endocrinological nightmare and that in his view, WLS was my only hope. He said that he really felt that within a few months I would be on 4 to 5 insulin shots a day. He said that he didn't see any way for me to successfully have natural weightloss and for that reason he was recommending the surgery for me.
I went through the rest of my consults and I started to allow myself to hope ... just a little bit that my life could be different. I allowed myself to day dream about things I had never before allowed myself to consider ... -normal- sized clothing ... just living a normal sized person's life. Keep in mind, I am 5'3" and by now weighed 318 lbs. My body just was too small to be able to handle the problems. So I keep reading about how WLS is the promised land for the terminally zaftig and how my life can be so much better. I joined a pro-WLS website and faithfully read how to make my surgery succeed ... droning along with everyone else about how "nothing tastes as good as skinny feels" ... I was a true believer.
I had my surgery 4 years ago this coming September. I was blessed ... aside from a strange thing that happened on the OR table ... I was a complication free patient in terms of the surgery itself. Yes I threw up ... but everyone does. Yes it was a tough recovery but that's to be expected. The important thing for me to stress here is that on the health side of the equation ... my diabetes STOPPED the day of my surgery and that isn't a joke. I have not taken another shot nor dose of oral meds since that day. I still check my bs a couple of times a week and it's still good. Amazingly good.
East Carolina University is doing major studies on the correlation between diabetes and WLS because they now believe that something in the thickness of the stomach itself PROMOTES diabetes. My blood sugars dropped instantly. I also have not been on ANY blood pressure medicine since the day of my surgery. 1,000 miligrams a day ... gone. My tachachardia ... at 120 beats per minute before surgery is now down to around 80 which is a vast improvement. No more prilosec either. They really don't even know why all of these things are affected so quickly after surgery.
At any rate ... my HEALTH issues were helped enormously by my surgery. My quality of life has improved 100% over what it was before. The neurapathy in my legs is gone. I feel so much better that I can barely explain it. For these reasons my surgery was life saving and successful. HOWEVER ... and there is a big however ...
I only lost 100lbs with my surgery. 8 months after my surgery I was diagnosed with an origin unknown condition called uveitis which requires me to get STEROID shots into my eyeballs every 4 months or so. Anyone who tries to say that steriods don't cause weight gain is not correct! Additionally I was advised to take the depo shot before my surgery without any consultation with me over my reaction to steriods. Depo shots ARE steriods and I really believe that was also a factor my body had to fight against with the WLS. At any rate ... I initially lost 100lbs ... HOWEVER I have since gained back 40lbs due to the steriod injections that I have needed for the last three years.
It might be easy to say that on the one hand, it's all about QUALITY of health but let's be real here. I was devastated. I was TOLD already that my ONLY chance to be close to normal sized was to have this surgery and lucky me ... I'm one of the people that others would not consider successful because I ultimatly only lost 60lbs. It's easier to say today that I realize that my health was worth it all and that it's true I am very much more healthy today. BUT ... NOTHING prepares you for the let down after a surgery that doesn't dramatically change you into a western acceptable figure in the eyes of the rest of the world ... when it's SUPPOSED to.
At first I had kept my WLS a secret however, as things progressed ... family find out ... friends find out ... word gets around. "Finally our fat friend is going to do something to get -normal-" and shazamm before you know it ... everyone else knows. And then ... when you don't shrink down to look like a human stick ... the "obvious" is right there for all to see ... CLEARLY you are so much of a glutton and a slob that even with radical surgery you can't stop eating. That IS what people think. Then you start spending all of your time explaining why you didn't lose a million pounds and how you even gained some back and inside you are just screaming ... "can't you love me for who I am and make me feel like an even worse failure????" I can't describe to you the depression or humiliation that comes from not having a -successful- surgery. I can't tell you the hopelessness that comes from feeling like you NEED to be normal sized so bad it's all you can think about ... only to have your dream shot ... FAIL.
I am not saying that WLS isn't the answer for some people. Especially if you have serious health problems ... the surgery may WELL be worth it for you. But for those who want to lose weight to be -normal sized- or who have fantasies based on what you see in other people ... about being skinny ... you MUST realize that even with the surgery there is NO promise. There is NO magic and there ARE -failures-. I thought that being skinny would finally make me happy and so that's what I was completely letting all of my hopes ride on ... becoming skinny. I got what I NEEDED from the surgery ... but I didn't get what I WANTED. And even though I got what I NEEDED ... it came with an enormous price psychologically and physically.
I finally had to stop going to the pro-WLS site where I only felt silent comdemnation from those who succeeded and were bragging about their size 6 jeans. Where I always had to answer the dread "how much have you lost" question daily. I was fortunate that I moved away from the city that I was living in when I had the surgery so I didn't have to mumble "I don't know" instead of confess, "I gained 3lbs this month". I did have some really self distructive behavior that came out of my depression and struggle to come to terms with my -only hope- to be skinny lost cause. I did some things I am very ashamed of ... including falsely present myself online with a picture of one of my skinny, beautiful friends because I wanted to be -someone else- besides the fat girl. I rationalized deception out of desperation because I just couldn't bear to look at the fat girl in the mirror and know that there was now, really and truly no help for me.
So today ... I am now learning how to LOVE me instead of spending my time and energy learning how to fix me or change me into a mold I just can not squeeze into. I am learning how to love myself and to try to be healthy and happy and sexy with the 260 lbs body that I am living with. I have stablized now it seems with my weight ... and I am more comfortable. Yes I loved being 221lbs but I didn't stay there and it was more of a dream than a reality, I was there such a short time. I now have to make peace with my size in a way that I never understood before the surgery. I have a lot more information now about my body and about what is realistic for me ... I feel some relief from the guilt that I carried for years that if I were only stronger, then I would be able to be skinny. Self acceptance isn't easy ... it's costly ... or rather the journey to self acceptance is costly.
I urge you to really and fully consider the REASONS why you may be interested in WLS surgery. I would advise anyone I know AGAINST WLS if it's simply a matter of wanting to be smaller for cosmetic reasons. The risks are too great and the results ARE unpredictable. The damage could be far more catastrophic than simply learning to love yourself and moderate yourself if that is needed. Ask yourself ... would you be satisfied with a 50lb total weight loss for all the pain and change that it brings? Would 50lbs significantly change your quality of life or would the risks that come along with it outweigh it? Contrary to those who -sell- the surgery ... it's not magic and there are consequences ... not just the long term ones that we rationalize to ourselves don't matter so much. For me the weight I lost was life saving and quality of life improving ... but it didn't change my status into the -normal- category I SILL have to learn to love this large woman and find out how to see her with eyes that appreciate instead of destroy.
Sorry for the length ... maybe it will be helpful to someone to read this ...
bright blessings!
♪midori
