article - The Reason I Won't Mention My Size On Dating Apps

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BigElectricKat

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It is scary as hell to think about. Every time I think about it I get flashbacks from the show Catfish. I know on my Instagram account I get the scammers constantly. I usually block them and report.
Luckily, thus far I haven't even dipped my toe in the online dating scene (unless you count here). But as this is not a dating site, I suppose it doesn't count.
 

DragonFly

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Luckily, thus far I haven't even dipped my toe in the online dating scene (unless you count here). But as this is not a dating site, I suppose it doesn't count.
Not a traditional dating site but in its long distinguished history Dimensions has put together more than a few long term relationships
 

Fatcules71

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Although I completely understand her point and respect her point of view; I spent years on dating sites looking for the woman of my dreams.

Right or wrong it started with her size. I am an FA and have been since I first started liking girls in the second grade. I only looked for women of size because ultimately I knew that is what would make me happy. Of course, I wanted compatibility, intelligence, sense of humor and the like but it STARTED with a physical attraction.

Honesty in her profile (and mine) was essential. I was upfront with what I was looking for and I hoped for the same in return. I have dating site horror stories too but it only made me more determined to hone my profile to be sure the person reading my profile knew exactly who I was and what I was looking for; I did not hide it or downplay anything, I was crystal clear.
 

Shotha

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I'm always very explicit about my size on dating sites. I get a few funny comments but nothing meant to be offensive. It seems to work fine but that may have a lot to do with me living in a country (New Zealand) with a total population of only 5 million.
 

fuelingfire

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I always viewed it as, online dating is just putting an ad out there for yourself. You log in every few days see who seems interested. You could use it as a time killer, in the same way most people use social media. You can be more aggressive and also search others postings. It's still the "you miss all the shots you don't take" approach.

If you are expecting to join, and instantly meet great, nice, compatible partners, you will likely be disappointed. There are a lot of people who are train wrecks out there and they don't even know it. There are ways of finding peoples motives, and decreasing the likeliness of being catfished.

I have met a lot of people in real life that have never online dated, but say how awful they think it is. They are then surprised to hear me defend it, but then say my points make sense. I do understand that it's not for everybody, just like going to bars, or where ever you dream person maybe hiding.
 

happily_married

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I did it for a while. Nothing really came of it and those first 'coffee dates' felt like job interviews. Mostly a lot of the guys just wanted to meet up for sex.
A lot of women used online dating for that purpose too back when I tried it.

Not that I am complaining.

:cool:
 

extra_m13

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i read the first post and nothing else and i think i can add something. if not then well, i tried. but i do think it is an issue to write about. because as an FA, it does generate extra interest if i know before hand that a lady is let's say, 350 pounds, it's like oh my, i am totally into her but reality is that relationships require a lot more than that and at the end you need to be able to have nice conversations and chemistry and personalities that are compatible and that is totally apart from her curves or weight, and that applies both over 350 pounds and under the 200 mark, having a successful relationship is not easy, period
 

Shotha

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One of the reasons that I give my weight both in numbers and with a photo that shows how I look in body and face is that it's honest. I believe that here honesty is the best policy. I see fat friends find a date online and the girl or boy that they meet isn't interested because the person in the profile isn't the same as the person on the date. Both parties end up being disappointed. I try to explain to these friends that in hiding the fact that they're fat means that they're getting replies from people who want a slim partner. If they were honest about their appearance they would attract people, who liked them just as they are. In being honest, I avoid all of this disappointment for myself and for my dates. I'm not subjected to constant rejections because I'm fat. So, if a did doesn't work out, it's because we don't have the same interests or it's because of some other body feature, but it's never because I'm too fat for them. That's how I see it and I think that I'm all the happier for it.
 

LarryTheNoodleGuy

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I once met someone from Match.com who used a much younger, thinner photo of herself in her profile, I'm talking about 10 years. I didn't mind (of course) that she was a lot larger, but I did mind the dishonesty. There is a great deal of difference not only physically, but emotionally, etc, between someone who is 24 and who is 34. My two cents.
 

TwoSwords

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As an aside, I also need to say I loathe it when fetishes are disrespected. Having a sexual fetish does not mean you are rude, dishonest, mean, or manipulative. You can be totally vanilla sexually and be all of those things. You can also be a hard core fetishist and be polite, honest, and respectful towards others. Having a fat fetish does not mean you masturbate to amorphous blobs of fat. Maybe it means you'll hook up only with fat women, but so what? Nearly everyone has parameters....they may be about looks, income, education, geography, religion, or political affiliation. It rarely means "I will sleep with anyone that's wealthy/socially liberal/Catholic" but it may mean you won't consider anyone without those qualities.
There are a lot of replies on this thread that I love, but this one strikes close to home for me. The issue I have with people who have this attitude is their assumption that because I like how they look, I must be a shallow, horrible person, or at the very least, that there must be something wrong with me for disagreeing with public opinion. I can't feel any significant attraction to a thin person, and it's not easy for me to stay angry with someone who's fat, but that doesn't make me shallow, nor does it mean that a fat body is all I'm looking for. It's only one of several qualities that I think are important/necessary.

Also, attachment to the physical qualities of one's partner is not exclusive to either FAs (many, many men look for hips or legs of certain shapes/types,) or even men in general (lots of women just aren't into men who are shorter than they are, for instance.) That she defends her right to her own standards, while demonizing the standards of others also paints her in a poor light.

Plus, in the article, there seems to be an unspoken assumption that any man who likes your interests should be able to feel attraction to you, regardless of how you look, and I'm convinced that almost no men (or women, for that matter,) are like that. It's unrealistic to expect this of anyone. I think, if anything, failing to accurately describe what your date is in for will only make him angrier for having been strung along. That can waste the precious time of both men and women.
 
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Emmy

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It's not called "love at first personality", while personality is important, I'd be lying to say looks don't factor in at all! It's also not fair to discredit every person who says they like BBW. It would be the same as me mentioning I like square shoulders.. Its not the ONLY reason Im saying hi, but Im letting him know Its something I appreciate about how he looks right off the bat.
I think it's interesting that she is still trying the online dating though, if she's as confident as she says, I think she'd have better luck meeting someone public...cut out the whole "surprise im not your cup of tea" all together.
 
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Shotha

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It's not called "love at first personality", while personality is important, I'd be lying to say looks don't factor in at all!
That's a very interesting point. However, it is often very difficult to unravel what is looks and what is physical attraction. I can only speak from my own experience as a fat gay man with a preference for fat men. I realize that fat women face much more discrimination that fat men do. I'm a little surprised that the woman, who wrote the article, says that she doesn't mention her size on "dating apps". The first thing that people notice about me is that I'm fat and so I don't see any point in getting upset about people commenting about. I don't date other fat guys because I'm fat; I'm fat because I think that fat guys look great. I have to agree that looks are usually the first thing to attract us to someone but other things such as personality come into play. Many of those personality traits can be picked up from appearance. Things like grooming, hairstyle and attire can say as much about personality as they contribute to appearance.

The writer of the article comes across as a beautiful and confident woman. So, I'm very surprised at her reluctance to mention her size. I'm very happy with my appearance and so I don't hide it. I'm happy to post photos and give details of myself, including my size. I find that there is all the difference in the world between a fat man who is ashamed of being fat and one who is confident and happy with his appearance. If people see that you take pride in your appearance, then they find it harder to find hurtful things to say. I also believe that pride is an important issue in working towards fat acceptance. These days, if someone addresses me as "big guy", I tell them that I prefer to be called "fat guy". I don't think that we can expect people to feel positive towards us, if we can't be positive about ourselves.

I can identify more with her about not wanting to hang out on specialized dating sites for big girls. Although I'm gay I don't tend to hang out in gay venues, whether real or virtual. However, I can't begin to deny that I'm fat anymore than I can deny that I'm gay. It's part of who I am.
 

TwoSwords

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I find that there is all the difference in the world between a fat man who is ashamed of being fat and one who is confident and happy with his appearance. If people see that you take pride in your appearance, then they find it harder to find hurtful things to say.
Not only that, but you're more likely to find common ground with other people who also appreciate how you look. If you don't, their feelings often end up being a source of quarrels, rather than a way to connect.
 

Shotha

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If you don't, their feelings often end up being a source of quarrels, rather than a way to connect.
When I'm in a group, where we expected to introduce ourselves, I find that starting with, "My name's Shotha and I'm fat," is a good way of stopping offensive remarks, before they start.
 

waldo

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When I'm in a group, where we expected to introduce ourselves, I find that starting with, "My name's Shotha and I'm fat," is a good way of stopping offensive remarks, before they start.
This reminds me of the movie Pitch Perfect where Rebel Wilson's character explains why she preemptively refers to herself as "Fat Amy", as a way to disarm the 'haters'.
 

Shotha

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This reminds me of the movie Pitch Perfect where Rebel Wilson's character explains why she preemptively refers to herself as "Fat Amy", as a way to disarm the 'haters'.
It's why participants in Gay Pride parades used to sing "We're here and we're queer." That was back in the days, when it was more of a protest parade than a carnival. If you're happy to refer to yourself by the word that haters use to abuse you, then they can't use that word as an effective term of abuse anymore. Gays "reclaimed" the word queer and took the hurt out of it by calling themselves queers. That's what I want to do with the word "fat". I'm fat and I'm happy like that. And that's one of the reasons (coming back on topic) why I describe myself as fat on dating profiles. It sends out the message that I'm not ashamed of it. It sends out the message that I'm happy with me. If anyone thinks that they can date me and start telling me that I need to lose a few kilos, that's where things end.
 
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