Well, I am the most depressed today(when I wrote this post) then I ever been. I am starting to ponder suicide more, it's so bad, I am panting with my breath as the despair overcomes me. Alot of reasons contribute to this.
1. My fear and "hatred" for most human beings, except friends or everyone on this website. I cannot ponder the thought of getting a job, worrying that I will be forced to worry about paying stupid bills, having no time for things I enjoy, making me a dull, passionless person. Destroying my love of fat, dragons, art, videogames, books, and my love of friends.
2. Never finding my dream BBW. The greedy and foolish people who put dating websites up for fat people, only to have it have 10% capability and have you pay a fairly large sum. There is indeed no such thing as perfect, but I truly know my BBW is out there somewhere... I have been told many times that a fat girl would be missing out on me if they passed me up, and that is by other BBW's. Trust me, I know how a balanced relationship IS:
(sexuality, intimacy, affection)--------0--------(trust, commitment, love)
My special diagram too! Yet, I am annoyed at the fact that me not wanting children (often a waste of money, and ruins relationships often, in my opinion. Sarcasm: See "Why Men Divorce: Not enough Sex or Sexual Activity, Women Being Too Sexually Uncomfortable About Themselves?") is something that turns many women off... it is odd, as if I would give in to a "bad" human instinct like that, to have sex just to make babies, then add to overpopulation. For me, sex is a way of sharing joy, pleasure, and love with another. Love comes in many forms, as long as a couple feels the same about eachother.(read my signature qoute about good, bad, nuetral things) This is all in MY personal opinion, I am not right with what I say if it offends you, but I still believe it. All I can say is that I blame society for making it difficult for me to find my dream BBW.(yet, my negative attitude is a turn off to most girls, as I figured out recently.)
3. Society and it's anti fat B.S... even unrest in Size Acceptance. All these stupid worries, quarrels, and conflicts, are not supposed to exist, I truly feel this. They are not supposed to happen, it is all stupid to nature. Why can't we all just form one giant Earth Nation? Governed by many Presidents? Where you get paid for being alive and living. We are all brothers and sisters under the sun... fat is only unhealthy to those who are not meant to carry it! It becomes unhealthy to those meant to carry it but hate it!!! Why can't we just research MORE important things than weight loss and fat on health?!! DANG IT!!! We should be finding ways to colonize other planets... before it's too late.
4. And finally... just due to my severe depression, which my mom immediately dismisses as pretend depression. Yet my therapist says it's due to my fears getting in the way of my goals, allowing me no access to things I truly want and need. Causing me depression. I want to ask this really beautiful fat girl at High School out for a date, but I cannot utter a word to her, even a hello, due to my fear of people. I know her as well. This is not shyness, this is more severe social withdrawal... yet, I also want to commit suicide because I do not want to take medicine in fear of losing weight, becoming a different person, and losing my beliefs and personality. Those fears may indeed be false.
Throw whatever critism you can at me... you have to be KIND and friendly to make me feel better. Not yell at how I am stupid or a flipping moron, that will only make the individual saying it the flipping moron. Compassion, is often the best thing for sensitive guys like me. You have to feel for me, I love everyone here deeply, show me you don't want me to die... I know I will be a great member to size acceptance eventually, if I get over this depression somehow. *hugs everyone* I don't want to die though, I want to stay, yet, I truly feel that creeping need to commit suicide. The despair and sorrow is truly terrible. I can only hope you all can understand my prediciment, I truly hope so... alot of you probablly felt like me once in your life. Provide some insight and advice(GOOD advice, something that can calm me down about all the mentioned 4 reasons to suicide.)
Other than that, this is a really long rant I suppose... but view or call it whatever you like. I also will say before anyone posts...
"Thank you for helping me feel better." :bow:
1. My fear and "hatred" for most human beings, except friends or everyone on this website. I cannot ponder the thought of getting a job, worrying that I will be forced to worry about paying stupid bills, having no time for things I enjoy, making me a dull, passionless person. Destroying my love of fat, dragons, art, videogames, books, and my love of friends.
2. Never finding my dream BBW. The greedy and foolish people who put dating websites up for fat people, only to have it have 10% capability and have you pay a fairly large sum. There is indeed no such thing as perfect, but I truly know my BBW is out there somewhere... I have been told many times that a fat girl would be missing out on me if they passed me up, and that is by other BBW's. Trust me, I know how a balanced relationship IS:
(sexuality, intimacy, affection)--------0--------(trust, commitment, love)
My special diagram too! Yet, I am annoyed at the fact that me not wanting children (often a waste of money, and ruins relationships often, in my opinion. Sarcasm: See "Why Men Divorce: Not enough Sex or Sexual Activity, Women Being Too Sexually Uncomfortable About Themselves?") is something that turns many women off... it is odd, as if I would give in to a "bad" human instinct like that, to have sex just to make babies, then add to overpopulation. For me, sex is a way of sharing joy, pleasure, and love with another. Love comes in many forms, as long as a couple feels the same about eachother.(read my signature qoute about good, bad, nuetral things) This is all in MY personal opinion, I am not right with what I say if it offends you, but I still believe it. All I can say is that I blame society for making it difficult for me to find my dream BBW.(yet, my negative attitude is a turn off to most girls, as I figured out recently.)
3. Society and it's anti fat B.S... even unrest in Size Acceptance. All these stupid worries, quarrels, and conflicts, are not supposed to exist, I truly feel this. They are not supposed to happen, it is all stupid to nature. Why can't we all just form one giant Earth Nation? Governed by many Presidents? Where you get paid for being alive and living. We are all brothers and sisters under the sun... fat is only unhealthy to those who are not meant to carry it! It becomes unhealthy to those meant to carry it but hate it!!! Why can't we just research MORE important things than weight loss and fat on health?!! DANG IT!!! We should be finding ways to colonize other planets... before it's too late.
4. And finally... just due to my severe depression, which my mom immediately dismisses as pretend depression. Yet my therapist says it's due to my fears getting in the way of my goals, allowing me no access to things I truly want and need. Causing me depression. I want to ask this really beautiful fat girl at High School out for a date, but I cannot utter a word to her, even a hello, due to my fear of people. I know her as well. This is not shyness, this is more severe social withdrawal... yet, I also want to commit suicide because I do not want to take medicine in fear of losing weight, becoming a different person, and losing my beliefs and personality. Those fears may indeed be false.
Throw whatever critism you can at me... you have to be KIND and friendly to make me feel better. Not yell at how I am stupid or a flipping moron, that will only make the individual saying it the flipping moron. Compassion, is often the best thing for sensitive guys like me. You have to feel for me, I love everyone here deeply, show me you don't want me to die... I know I will be a great member to size acceptance eventually, if I get over this depression somehow. *hugs everyone* I don't want to die though, I want to stay, yet, I truly feel that creeping need to commit suicide. The despair and sorrow is truly terrible. I can only hope you all can understand my prediciment, I truly hope so... alot of you probablly felt like me once in your life. Provide some insight and advice(GOOD advice, something that can calm me down about all the mentioned 4 reasons to suicide.)
Other than that, this is a really long rant I suppose... but view or call it whatever you like. I also will say before anyone posts...
"Thank you for helping me feel better." :bow:
