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FA peerdom as a part of the FA experience

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Oct 14, 2005
This was a piece I wrote for the launch issue of BGP (Big Girls Paradise) magazine in the UK, prior to coming out to live in the US... In it, I talk about several of my FA experiences and my thoughts on the benefits that can be derived as FAs from actually getting to know other FAs....

In fact, one of the main reasons cited by those who supported the need for an FA forum was that there is a tendency in real life for FAs to not have many (or any) FA friends. I'd be interested to hear if this is as generally true as is often suggested..? What do people think the social effect of this absence of peerdom has had/could have? Finally, if it is a problem, what could/should be done about it?

“So you like big women..?”

Why does that idea seem like an alien concept to people? You can almost see the question on their lips before they've even asked it,

“why would he choose a fat girl over a thin girl?”.

Well, it might not be seen as commonplace but liking big women doesn't make me weird, It definitely doesn't make me a fetishist, it just means that one of the things that might attract me to a woman, along with her personality, positivity and sense of humor is that she has a beautiful plus sized figure.

“But that doesn’t answer why you like FAT?”

See... the thing is, I don’t know exactly why I'm attracted to fat bodies and not thin ones, but I do know that I've always felt this way. In fact, well before my first lustful adolescent thoughts, I had always felt more comfortable, more at ease around and even more trusting towards large people in general. As I reached the teenage years my attraction towards the larger female form became much more defined to me. I was fascinated by the way that their bodies moved, by the sensuality and femininity of the soft curves that were completely absent from the bodies of the masculine-looking slim girls that all my friends were crazy about.

This period was a tough one for me. My parents disapproved of my preference. Making no effort to hide their disappointment and disgust for what they hoped was a passing phase. To add to this, I began to feel the pressure of knowing I was different from my peers. I kept my preference secret for fear of facing the derision I was sure that revealing the truth would bring. I placed such a pressure on myself to fit in and be ‘normal’ that for while in my teens I even I tried to convince myself that I could see beauty in slim women too. I dated a slim girl but soon ended the relationship. My college friends had 'approved' and she was fun to spend time with but the spark of physical attraction just wasn't there... and I came to realize it never could be. Being with a slim woman seemed wrong and frankly, I felt like a fraud.

So perhaps unsurprisingly it wasn't until my late teens and early twenties that I really began to feel comfortable in my own skin. I used the internet to join size positive web communities and discovered that I was far from unique. There were many other guys that liked big women and talking with them helped me gain the confidence I needed to accept myself and 'come out'. Taking this step was easily the best and most liberating decision I've ever made in my life.

Unfortunately, this kind of an experience is common, if not the norm amongst BBW admiring men. Some suppress their preference well into adulthood. Some never openly express it. Perhaps its an over-generalization but its my opinion that the longer an individual stays in 'the closet', the greater the risk there is of a simple preference for BBWs festering and eventually manifesting itself as socially awkward and inappropriate behaviors. Maybe this could be avoided if more BBW admirers were aware that they weren't as weird or unique as maybe they think they are? There are several ways guys can work this all out for themselves. Interacting within internet communities (such as dimensionsmagazine.com) and attending social events like (the fantastic!) Big Girls Paradise would be my recommendation. Really though, it doesn't matter where or how it happens.

I cant emphasize enough how important it is for BBW admirers is to have a chance to get to know one another, relate to each other and in the process, learn to accept themselves.

Whilst the majority of media coverage remains hostile, I believe that over the last 5 to 10 years, attitudes in general towards fat women have been changing here in the UK. There is definitely a notion spreading (albeit slowly) that it isn’t acceptable to discriminate on the basis of size. There are also more big women than ever before. With these greater numbers comes greater visibility and subsequently an increasing sense of social normalization. As people who admire and date BBWs, we can do our part to accelerate this process. We can (and we should) make a difference to help chip away at the misconceptions and prejudices that still remain.

Not everyone is cut out for waving placards and protesting. The hardened activist approach clearly has its place in raising awareness but can just as easily be caricatured by the ignorant as an ‘extreme’ view. Such views are easily dismissed, ignored or even ridiculed. There are other, more subtle and perhaps more effective ways that each and every ‘out’ BBW admirer can help make a difference. For instance, every time we challenge hate-filled fat ‘humor’, every time we stand up for ourselves and our preference, every time we proudly kiss or walk hand in hand with a BBW in public we are making a statement.

Big women are beautiful, big women are desirable, big women and their partners are as normal as any other couple...

And what could be a better message than that..?

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