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how do i fix this or help my girlfriend out

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snipermb435

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I have been dating a lovely woman for years now, I love her for her and her body is a bonus that I happen to love also. But over the last year being at her biggest but not much bigger than when I met her, she has hated her body, (I know she doesn't come on here so I can post this) she weighs about 315 now, she is a pear shape with large hips/butt and double belly.

Now over this last year I've tried and tried to help her realize she's beautiful and sexy(not just her body but all of her) and nothing I say or do helps, she knows I'm attracted to her at this size or at any size as I have told her on many occasions. She doesn't except her body and has said she hates it, mainly her tummy and arms, things I like, well I love all of her, but I digress.

She says she hates her body because she doesn't feel comfortable in it but I know society plays a huge role and that also has to do with it. Now because she hates her body, when I attempt to be intimate or just loving and touch these area's or any area really she pushes me away and im shut down. and as you can probably tell the other hasn't happened in a while because of this. I respect her and her body, but I know if she cant love herself at this size a smaller size wont matter either.

can anyone help me?
 

indy500tchr

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I have been dating a lovely woman for years now, I love her for her and her body is a bonus that I happen to love also. But over the last year being at her biggest but not much bigger than when I met her, she has hated her body, (I know she doesn't come on here so I can post this) she weighs about 315 now, she is a pear shape with large hips/butt and double belly.

Now over this last year I've tried and tried to help her realize she's beautiful and sexy(not just her body but all of her) and nothing I say or do helps, she knows I'm attracted to her at this size or at any size as I have told her on many occasions. She doesn't except her body and has said she hates it, mainly her tummy and arms, things I like, well I love all of her, but I digress.

She says she hates her body because she doesn't feel comfortable in it but I know society plays a huge role and that also has to do with it. Now because she hates her body, when I attempt to be intimate or just loving and touch these area's or any area really she pushes me away and im shut down. and as you can probably tell the other hasn't happened in a while because of this. I respect her and her body, but I know if she cant love herself at this size a smaller size wont matter either.

can anyone help me?
Have you asked her how you can help her to love her body again? How you can help her feel comfortable the way she wants to be comfortable? You need to make this about her and not about you. If she wants to lose weight or exercise to feel better...support her and help her.

I know you tell her how much you love her but if she can't love herself she can't fully love you which is probably why she is having issues in the intimacy department.
 

veggieforever

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I really feel for you and your partner. I have been where she is and I can completely understand where she is coming from. It seems all too apparent that her weight is making her desperately unhappy and she would be happier with herself at a lighter weight. In that situation it matters very little how loved and adored you are by your partner when your body is a place you wish you could escape from. It sounds like weight loss (whether large or small) would boost her confidence and make a world of difference to her head space. A daily state of discomfort and unease with her body is not good for her overall wellbeing and I seriously advocate you talk openly and frankly with her about what she wishes to do in regards to her weight and support her in whatever goal she confides. You sound like a really loving and caring partner and she is very lucky to have someone like you in her life :) I wish you both all the very best!
 

Skye23

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If you truly love her at this size, and any other size as you say, then you'll happily love her if she loses some weight and becomes happier. There's 2 sides to the BBW world. The choice to be bigger if we want, but also the ability to be smaller if that is what we want too.

I'm ok with myself at 300. If somebody could wave a magic wand and make me 250 I'd let them do it. I can't seem lose the weight, I refuse to drive myself insane trying. But realistically I'd prefer a couple less pounds because I do have a bad knee and if nothing else I could then tell people I'd lost 50lbs and it hadn't done a damn thing to improve my knee pain so they can just shut up and leave me be ;)
 

fritzi

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I have been dating a lovely woman for years now, I love her for her and her body is a bonus that I happen to love also. But over the last year being at her biggest but not much bigger than when I met her, she has hated her body,
If it really is a recent thing that she had started hating her big/a little bigger body - you should try and find out the root causes of this:

1) Is it really something that comes from within her - or is it the effect of fat harassment, etc. coming from somewhere from the outside (workplace, friends, family, etc.)?
If the latter is the case, adress it - if in a private context, directly to the offenders. Otherwise carefully make it clear to her that that is unacceptable behavior and work with her on developing strategies to rebut and overcome that.

Should it be that it does come from within her - then there are 2 most likely causes:

a) outgrowing clothes. You don't feel comfortable as a woman if most of your clothes pinch/are too tight and you realize you don't fit into most things that are in your closet any more.

b) the few pounds too many for comfort - it can be that only 10 pounds more suddenly feel very burdensome, have a negative impact on mobility, making her feel uncomfortable in her body.

Both of these things can be remedied - it only requires a little work and sensitivity:

aa) Is there any piece of clothing she hasn't worn in a while - and you particularly liked on her? Take a tape measure, secretly measure it - and buy her a surprise gift of a similiar item a size or two larger. Just tell her you love the style on her, saw it.......

Go clothes shopping with her, encourage her to buy/or buy for her nice comfortably fitting new clothes. Then do some spring cleaning together - following the golden rule: Anything you haven't worn in 2 years can go to Goodwill....
Also do it with your closet, let her get rid of some of your things she doesn't like, or thinks don't fit you - seeing eye to eye here is important.

bb) Try to be more active together, eat healthier .... to give her a better feeling for her body again.
Do it in a fun way - like nice romantic walks in pretty scenery, or going dancing ... good exercise you don't even notice as such.
Often becoming used to managing a slightly higher weight, becoming a bit stronger, only losing a few pounds can help put things back into balance physically and make her more comfortable with her body again.

Good luck to both of you!
 

Tad

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A few thoughts and questions:

- Was there a time when she was comfortable with her body? What was different then to now? (probably weight, but what else too?)
- Was she single for a while before you two got together, and did she gain weight during that time? If so, is it possible that it was unhappy weight (that is, she wasn't happy, wasn't taking care of herself, and let her weight climb)? If so, possibly her current weight helps remind her of that unhappy time.
- When she criticizes her own weight and body, whose voice is she really hearing?
- Does she accept other people being fat? (i.e. is it a universal fat is bad feeling, or just on her?)
- Is she generally healthy, active, and feeling good, or is she struggling under her weight? It is hard to feel good about your body if you are hurting, slow, and tired.
- Does she have flattering clothes, or just things to try and hide in? If the latter, that at least is something you could help with, by buying her some nicer things.

I don't know if any of that helps or not, but maybe at least some food for thought.

Good luck!
 

gogogal

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It's damn near impossible to help someone see things from a different perspective when they are committed to feeling something else entirely. None of us want to feel coerced into believing something when we’re not ready.

Her struggles and choices are her life lessons, not yours. Self-perception is usually so deeply conditioned, it's a challenge to change it (and in the end, may never change). People have to come on their own to where they need to be to get their lessons.

You can’t help someone who is not willing, but you can still plant seeds. Take every opportunity to show her that you think she is beautiful, just as she is. Keep that door open and she'll walk through it when she is ready.
 

snipermb435

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Well I thank all of you for your input and words or wisdom and kindness, being part of this community is an amazing thing.

I know to change someone's mind over things such as these is something I cant do but something she can do for herself. As Gogogal said I'll be sure to keep giving her compliments and love and kindness and plant the seeds and leave the door open for her to find and walk through.

Tad: When we first started dating she was confident and almost embraced herself, things changed when as couple do, they get comfortable, you put weight on because your happy etc. I think its a combination of being at her biggest and beautiful cute clothes to find and buy that fit her, she loves clothes and shopping and I buy her what I can when I can.

she was single for a while when before we met, possible over two years and yes in that time she gained probably 50-60 pounds, I don't think she hates being plus size, yes her current size, but being curvy plus size. Its a whole lot of things to do with being comfortable, not having her body rub and get sore, etc.

She has become more active and such over the past 6 months, eating better and going to the gym, she even got a trainer to help her use the machines correctly and such. im not entirely sure how much she wants to lose, she has said its not about the number, but what she feels comfortable at, even though she has mentioned 80 and 100 pounds which is a lot.

this is a general reply to all, I do love her as she is, but I will love her if shes smaller or bigger, her body is her body, she can do and choose what she wants to do with it. I have told her that and im not sure it has sunk in, but im constantly trying and proving to her that i mean what i say.

i haven't said it to her, I'm not sure i could, but as one of you said, if she cant love herself she cant fully love you. I've toyed with this and spun it in my head over and over. would this sentence be a bad one or a good one? lemme know. " name, you need to learn to love yourself and embrace yourself at this size whilst losing the weight you want, because if you can at this size a smaller size wont matter and you'll still be unhappy".

Some filler info to help you all with the situation I guess. She is naturally a big woman, her mother and father are curvy people also, but she also has a thyroid deficiency which from what I know makes losing weight and keeping it off much harder. Currently she's doing the palio diet(thinks that's what its called) which is a diet mainly of fruits vegies and stuff like that, with little meat. the food is pretty tasty but can be very bland at points. Shes also going to the gym 5 days a week if not more( i think that's over the top if you ask me at an hour every session). Im going to be honest I really think 5 days a week at the gym when your almost completely out of shape is too much. what od you guys and ladies think?
 

gogogal

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i haven't said it to her, I'm not sure i could, but as one of you said, if she cant love herself she cant fully love you. I've toyed with this and spun it in my head over and over. would this sentence be a bad one or a good one? lemme know. " name, you need to learn to love yourself and embrace yourself at this size whilst losing the weight you want, because if you can at this size a smaller size wont matter and you'll still be unhappy".
Bad. Very very bad. Look, I love to give advice and pretend I am oh-so-wise but the truth is I don't know squat about how it feels to be anyone but me. And here's the thing - neither do you. So don't go telling her what she needs to do, how she should think or feel.

Support her, compliment her, kiss her.. and you can even go so far as to tell her how her inacceptance makes YOU feel. But don't presume to know what she should feel, or what she will feel.

Let her tell you... IF she wants to talk about it, she will let you know. I reiterate, you just need to keep the door open.
 

gogogal

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Sometimes I re-read my posts and think omg I sound like such a pompous know-it-all. I'm nice though! I'm really actually a nice person! Ha.. ok whatever just wanted to say I feel sorta strongly on the subject cause I've been through it. Telling someone how they should feel is just another way of criticizing the way they actually do feel. Your GF needs your support, not your judgement. You sound like you really care, so that should come easily for you

:)
 

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