Is it hypocritical redux; to be attracted to fat while remaining thin?

Discussion in 'BBW/FA Board' started by y2kboris1, Aug 27, 2018.

  1. Sep 10, 2018 #21

    Lastminute.Tom

    Lastminute.Tom

    Lastminute.Tom

    Write on!

    Joined:
    Mar 9, 2007
    Messages:
    805
    Likes Received:
    125
    Location:
    ,The internet
    I think this thread begs the question would you be ok on the other side of the relationship, would you be ok gaining or sustaining a fatter body for your loves preference?

    I'm pretty certain I would but I'm a bhm already so I'm not coming from a thin perspective , it's definitely a tough question.
     
    AmyJo1976 likes this.
  2. Sep 12, 2018 #22

    y2kboris1

    y2kboris1

    y2kboris1

    Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Oct 25, 2012
    Messages:
    50
    Likes Received:
    15
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    JeffyWantsAnApple,
    Honestly DragonFly I don't see fat as being bad. I just don't see it being for me. I have many friends IRL who are fat, and my wife is no less. That being said being fat isn't for me. I've explored that venue before and didn't like it at all.


    Honestly Lastminute.Tom I find it unlikely. However when I first started dating, (also online) I made it very apparent from my profile(s) that I am into bigger women but would never want to become fat myself. For me it's a question of core values/preferences. Under no circumstances would I ever want to be fat, but then I also don't give my wife a hard time about her weight either way (either losing or gaining weight). From my profile it would appear fairly WYSIWIG (what you see is what you get). I stated in no uncertain terms what I wanted for my own life, and what I would like out of /from a potential partner. So there's no great mystery; I am no pandora's box so to speak. I would say definitively not, but then I am not going around making demands about how I want my wife to be (or before her any would-be relationships with any other girls who might be interested). So from my perspective it's a matter of knowing what you want out of a relationship and knowing what you're willing to give. My thought on it is if the girl wants me to gain weight, than that relationship doesn't past muster. I don't necessarily see it as a betrayal of morals to be discriminatory in that practice, when it's obviously something that is important to you, but rather nipping something in the butt before it unhealthfully spirals out of control.

    FWIW I have rejected girls in the past for being too skinny, and now I wonder if it was a good or bad thing. I've had some of my Mother's friends comment they thought I would be more attractive stockier and have always nipped that in the bud as well. My wife has been a more interesting case. From what she let on when we first met I was led to believe she found me attractive as I am. Recently I started trying to get back in shape again and she lamented the fact that I no longer had a "pooch" as she calls it (that kinda broke my brain). I was 222, now down to 205 but that is neither here nor there (unimportant). I guess my point is where do we draw the line in the sand? Where do we get to exercise our own autonomy in how we want to be versus taking requests (or for some hearing demands)?
     
  3. Sep 14, 2018 #23

    happily_married

    happily_married

    happily_married

    Happy to be part of Dims!

    Joined:
    Jul 15, 2012
    Messages:
    1,325
    Likes Received:
    730
    Location:
    ,
    @y2kboris1 I think explicitly making a point that you would never want to be fat yourself may be why people on the other forums you visit accuse you of hypocrisy. It’s one thing to decide it’s not for you, but making a point of saying so, to some observers, can be considered condescending.

    It’s easy to communicate the same point through other means. I don’t tell people I don’t want to be fat I say I enjoy working out and outdoor activities that generally require a greater level of fitness. It’s the difference between telling a reader and showing them (if you ever were in a college writing class you probably heard this line more times than you care to count).

    You’re not hypocritical. I’m not hypocritical. A fit guy who wants a fat woman simply wants what he wants. Don’t let anyone convince you otherwise!
     
    y2kboris1 likes this.
  4. Sep 15, 2018 #24

    ODFFA

    ODFFA

    ODFFA

    Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    May 29, 2012
    Messages:
    1,425
    Likes Received:
    544
    Gender:
    Female
    Location:
    Cape Town, South Africa
    The thing with that, for me, is -- and I'd be interested to know for how many male FAs this is also the case -- I really like the contrast. It's not essential to my FFAism, but it's certainly a verrry nice bonus. So, Lasminute.Tom's scenario would've been a tricky one to navigate. Fortunately, I haven't had to. Size contrast appears to be a popular theme in many BHM/FFA relationships. And even at my smallest size, I do okay in the curves department, so minimal weight gain for that reason hasn't come up either.

    Taking requests like that is such an individual thing. To some people it's less of an issue. Others might not be very flexible at all with it, which they're perfectly entitled not to be. It's for each couple to navigate. I know that's a simplistic, theoretical answer. When so many feelings are involved and so much is at stake, it can become very tough. Health and autonomy are crucially important. Attraction is important, too -- and here I mean physical as well as personality. For the most part, attraction kind of just... is what it is, neurologically. It's by no means the end-all, but it does factor into people's happiness in a relationship, so you can't just ignore it. Very doable ;) compromises can often be reached, but sometimes they can't.

    Overall I agree with what most people have said. There's no hypocrisy inherent in being attracted to a body that is different from your own. Oftentimes it means you can appreciate both types, but your attraction involves having a certain kind yourself and enjoying another kind on your partner.
     
  5. Sep 15, 2018 #25

    y2kboris1

    y2kboris1

    y2kboris1

    Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Oct 25, 2012
    Messages:
    50
    Likes Received:
    15
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    JeffyWantsAnApple,
    Point well spoken.
    Point received.
    Acknowledged.

    That is a valid point. I can see how pointing out how you never want to be something might make some feel bad about themselves, but surely it was not my intent; more kind of a gut reaction to a deep personal fear. I know it's not something that I should really clutch my pearls about, but hey old habits die hard. Good point though, I'll have to incorporate that into my discussions from now on in. It's too bad there's no cure for irrational fears.
     
  6. Sep 15, 2018 #26

    y2kboris1

    y2kboris1

    y2kboris1

    Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Oct 25, 2012
    Messages:
    50
    Likes Received:
    15
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    JeffyWantsAnApple,
    After reading your quote I thought it was interesting. I find that with my relationship with my wife that is a thing (the whole contrast thing. I'm tall, lanky, and stout she is kinda more petite, short, and big around the middle / more androgenous body type). I had another thought. People like the contrast often times in these types of relationships, but could there be an underlying toxic kind of connotation to it? Many times I've heard the discussion framed as if you have one person in the relationship whose overweight and one whose in shape and it is almost implied he/she is the looker one and he/she is the fat one. That DOES bother me. There's still this repugnant perception that the partner who is bigger is not considered attractive by most of societies' standards. I hope that by being more in shape it doesn't exacerbate my wife's suffering; like as in people give her a hard time because she's not as in shape as I am.
     
  7. Sep 15, 2018 #27

    ODFFA

    ODFFA

    ODFFA

    Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    May 29, 2012
    Messages:
    1,425
    Likes Received:
    544
    Gender:
    Female
    Location:
    Cape Town, South Africa
    Absolutely there's an underlying toxic factor. It sucks that people are still baffled in 2018 that a bigger guy/girl can be desired, can desire, can find love. Ideally, the world would be a place in which certain body types aren't seen as inherently unattractive. It's important for said toxicity to be a thing that is recognised by the couple, and that they're able to talk about it openly. I would never want my BHM to feel like he can't talk to me about how it affects him.

    And then the hope is, if both people are attracted to each other and have each other's best interests at heart, that they won't buy into this little narrative themselves. Hopefully they can remind each other that such a (pun alert!) small-minded mentality doesn't have to apply to them; and they can step out together and subtly let society know what it can do with its silly norms.
     
    Last edited: Sep 15, 2018
    Blockierer, AmyJo1976 and y2kboris1 like this.
  8. Sep 26, 2018 #28

    TwoSwords

    TwoSwords

    TwoSwords

    Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Jan 7, 2017
    Messages:
    595
    Likes Received:
    116
    Location:
    , Male
    Well, to start with, not all of us have luck at gaining weight, so even though we might want to be fatter, we just can't do it, and there's nothing hypocritical about that.

    I would also compare it to a girl being attracted to a muscular guy without being muscular herself. Same principle. It would only be hypocritical if you were asking someone to make a sacrifice that you wouldn't be prepared to make for them. In terms of body types, what this works out to is that the word "sacrifice" would be interpreted as "take on a body type that you detest," but in most cases, that doesn't happen in fat-thin people relationships. Either the fat person didn't take on their shape by choice, or else they're not unhappy with their shape (rarer,) or else the relationship, these days, just doesn't get off the ground. Speaking as an FA, I would never want a woman to gain weight just to please me, because what I'm after is more of a kindred soul than just a pleasing body. I don't think that's hypocritical in the slightest.
     
  9. Sep 26, 2018 #29

    y2kboris1

    y2kboris1

    y2kboris1

    Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Oct 25, 2012
    Messages:
    50
    Likes Received:
    15
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    JeffyWantsAnApple,
    Pretty much what I thought TwoSwords. The only thing is... what do you think is reasonable in terms of compromise when it comes to being willing to change yourself to suit your partner? I always thought that couples would be better off in they both mutually agreed on what it is they want for themselves as well as what they would want/need from a partner. Once again I don't detest fat people; far from it; but I know that for me personally I would not be happy with it. However like Happily said before it's better to gaze upon the glass half-full rather than half-empty.
     
  10. Sep 26, 2018 #30

    TwoSwords

    TwoSwords

    TwoSwords

    Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Jan 7, 2017
    Messages:
    595
    Likes Received:
    116
    Location:
    , Male
    I agree. In the ideal world, relationships would be well-informed and prepared for hiccups, by recognizing what each needs before the relationship even begins, but sadly, people sometimes change their minds. I just read an article about a woman who lost over 400 lbs, and her husband was devastated. She seemed to have decided that it wouldn't work out if he couldn't get over it, and these kinds of horror stories are precisely why I'm so skittish around relationships myself. I don't want to be suckered by a person who's perfectly willing to head off in pursuit of their own goals, and to blazes with what I need.

    This is also why I always ask girls what they want to do with their lives/what they want out of life. If they don't share my passion for fatness, at least on some level, it would be difficult for me to even maintain a friendship with such a person, because we wouldn't have anything in common.

    Now, in the less-than-ideal, but still feasible world we live in, I think there is room for bargaining, when it comes to changing certain things. Some things are non-negotiable for each person, and it's important to come to an understanding of those right away, so that each person knows what chips they (and the other) are bargaining with, and which ones are part of the table.

    In my case, a love of honesty, openness to my views on certain topics, the willingness to put effort into the relationship (relationship maturity,) and at least some appreciation of my central passion for fatness are all non-negotiables. Everything else is free to be used as a chip in exchanges, though there are some that are conditional (for instance, if she wanted me to lose weight, I wouldn't be able to, unless she was fat.) This would only be hypocritical if I expected her not to have conditionals or non-negotiables of her own, and I don't. And yes, I'm aware that most of the time, my non-negotiables and those of the other person conflict, and the relationship can't proceed forward. That's sad, but that's life.

    For me, the glass is either completely-empty, partially-full, or (in the case of people who are fat, but negative about it) all the way filled with hydrochloric acid. An inspiration to look at, so long as you don't get too close. I've yet to find a completely-full glass that was safe to approach.
     
    Last edited: Sep 27, 2018
  11. Sep 27, 2018 #31

    y2kboris1

    y2kboris1

    y2kboris1

    Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Oct 25, 2012
    Messages:
    50
    Likes Received:
    15
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    JeffyWantsAnApple,
    I can understand that sentiment. I've always thought though that it was selfish in a relationship to never compromise. That being said it sometimes boggles the mind even in my own life (my lived experience) how I will see friends... , family... , people I care about get into relationships with people who are not well suited to them and vice versa. It's strange how people in that moment of passion when you first meet and you feel smitten; can overlook a multitude of physical and psychological problems, and then just logistical problems (ie she lives across the country, it would have to be a long-term relationship, she's $50,000 in debt from school, etc). These can obviously apply to both genders, just sayin'. I've seen it soo many times it's unnerving. I have a friend whom I won't identify in person but essentially his wife cheated on him and he got to the point where he was suicidal, the worst part of all is I couldn't help him at the time cause I was in the military and stationed overseas. My cousin's ex for whatever strange unbeknownst reason basically went mental and decided to basically not really cheat on my cousin but just blatantly dump him outright, like they already had a kid, home, good jobs and educations and she nuked it because she got the hots for some other guy, and left; went across the country, lived with him on the West Coast for a few months and came back to Connecticut, and then they went to Disneyland for like 6 months straight on and off (literally this is no joke, she has like a Disney fetish or something). I had a good friend once (this time a girl, Christian too) thought she married Mr. Perfect and it turns out he was cheating on her as well, and secretly gay, dating a dude; not that there's anything wrong with that but come on people. They broke up shortly thereafter, divorced and she almost had a mental breakdown. Thing is... all these people, hardworking, good, super nice, very attractive, salt of the Earth kinda people who actually stabilize society and make it a better place, and they still get shat on. I really don't know. Is it a mental birth defect? Do some of us just don't have that mental faculty to discern that this person probably isn't a good match for me, but I'm gonna date them anyway? At least in my case (FWIW) when I first met, and started dating my (now) wife for the longest time my friends and family gave me crap because I didn't tie the knot sooner than they thought I should've. My own Mom accused me of stringing her along, which was hardly the case. Me... being the paranoid schizophrenic I am proceed very cautiously in relationships. I think we dated for something like 3½ years before we even began to think about getting married. Our parents were more chomping at the bit for it to happen. I don't get it and it will always be an enigmatic mystery to me.
     
  12. Nov 10, 2018 #32

    Fred2

    Fred2

    Fred2

    Member

    Joined:
    Jun 29, 2014
    Messages:
    11
    Likes Received:
    1
    Location:
    ,
    Not sure if totally related but I know that I am self conscious when I put on a bit of weight and have 'manboobs', or or a bit of a 'spare tyre' around the midsection.. and have mentioned it a bit when been in company of 500-600 pound women who literally roll their eyes.
     
    TwoSwords likes this.
  13. Nov 10, 2018 #33

    TwoSwords

    TwoSwords

    TwoSwords

    Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Jan 7, 2017
    Messages:
    595
    Likes Received:
    116
    Location:
    , Male
    You lucky man. :)
     
  14. Nov 11, 2018 #34

    ChubbyPear

    ChubbyPear

    ChubbyPear

    Member

    Joined:
    Jan 24, 2013
    Messages:
    13
    Likes Received:
    23
    Location:
    ,
    It's rare to see it the other way around, but I'm a fat woman who is generally attracted to athletic men. I have a tendency to wind up dating bodybuilders but that's not a goal of mine. For me, an "athletic" man is ht/wt proportionate, healthy, very strong, has endurance, looks good in jeans and a t-shirt, or a suit, and can do all sorts of fun stuff behind closed doors (back to that STRONG part). That package doesn't necessarily require chiseled abs! LOTS of men consider a fat (or even just less than supermodel perfect) woman who wants a fit man to be a hypocrite. I think my preference comes down to a couple of things. One is that I am a big woman and I really like those bedroom olympics... A really out of shape man cannot handle me the way I like to be handled. Another is probably unfair on my part, but I've just always observed that it's MUCH easier for men (in general) to keep an "average" weight and/or put on muscle than it is for women. As someone who has spent my entire life fighting desperately to try to be a normal weight and being terrorized by others for failing, it turns me off to see a man (most of whom can easily control their body weight if they want to) who is extremely out of shape. I think to myself that he is probably very lazy and wimpy. I know that's not the case for ALL fat men, just like there are women who could have control over their weight and choose not to, and I have occasionally dated chubby guys who were super strong.




     
    happily_married likes this.
  15. Nov 12, 2018 #35

    happily_married

    happily_married

    happily_married

    Happy to be part of Dims!

    Joined:
    Jul 15, 2012
    Messages:
    1,325
    Likes Received:
    730
    Location:
    ,
    It’s perfectly okay for you to be who you are but to prefer athletic men. As an athletic man I thank God there are plus size women who will date and marry us. There’s nothing hypocritical about liking what you like and being available to the right person who likes you, especially when they fit the description for what you like.

    I’ve encountered this off and on over the years and my wife has even had acquaintances imply to her that she is lucky to be with me given her weight. That’s a horrible thing to imply to a woman.

    Like what you like, take what’s yours and don’t apologize to anyone for it. My wife doesn’t!
     
    y2kboris1 likes this.
  16. Nov 12, 2018 #36

    Navydude

    Navydude

    Navydude

    Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Jan 2, 2006
    Messages:
    100
    Likes Received:
    22
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    ,
    I don’t think is hypocritical to like what you like. We’re all attracted to what we’re attracted to, and attraction is just a starting point to initiate a conversation.
     
  17. Nov 25, 2018 #37

    LoveDDD

    LoveDDD

    LoveDDD

    Member

    Joined:
    Aug 25, 2016
    Messages:
    18
    Likes Received:
    20
    Gender:
    Female
    Location:
    New York, NY
    Hi I’m new to this site and forum but I actually like my partner to be thinner, smiles, it helps us fit together in many levels at times... so I do not see anything wrong with it. Thank you - Love

     
    happily_married likes this.
  18. Nov 25, 2018 #38

    Blockierer

    Blockierer

    Blockierer

    FAntastic

    Joined:
    Sep 30, 2005
    Messages:
    1,195
    Likes Received:
    381
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    ,
    Nothing is hypocritical to have a fat partner while being slim or muscular. It's always been one of my fantasies to be the skinny/athletic lover or husband of a fat woman. She knew at the first date that I like fat women. I'm really proud that I managed my dreams have come true. There are a lot of things I like in our skinny-fat relationship, the contrast of a fat to a athletic body, the attention you will get when you are in public with your fattie, people will keep in mind that you are the one who's married to a 410 lbs woman (she has), the fact that people know that you have preference or fetish for fat women, and so on. I think its a win-win-situation for both.
     
    Happy fat lover likes this.
  19. Jan 16, 2019 #39

    y2kboris1

    y2kboris1

    y2kboris1

    Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Oct 25, 2012
    Messages:
    50
    Likes Received:
    15
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    JeffyWantsAnApple,
    Ducking back in; it's been a while. How rude of them (Gross). Whatever happened to mutualism? I've found in life that people who act like they're entitled to something just because they have money, or are attractive themselves have about the awareness of a sour grapefruit. I would say in generality that taking things for granted (like your wife especially if she loves you) is really sacrilege because any number of unpleasant things can happen in life, at us, or to us. There are no guarantees that any of us won't die next week from some completely unforeseen event so it's ridiculous to try an 'one-up' others by talking about how one could do better, or how lucky you are, or how lucky they are. I can see the banter now between two dudebros hashing it out: "OH YEA MAN YOUR WIFE IS T3H HOTZ. I wish my girl would lose weight..." ; and then tragically and ironically next week they both die in a car crash. Then they'll both be a** out with no form of recourse. To the fool who undervalues his own partner, and the other who doesn't appreciate his. For this reason I think it's foolish to bloviate on one's predicaments in life. You might just invoke the wrath of God, nature, the universe, or the Law Of Murphy.
     
  20. Jan 16, 2019 #40

    wrenchboy

    wrenchboy

    wrenchboy

    Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Jun 5, 2013
    Messages:
    646
    Likes Received:
    267
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    somewhere on the road
    I am a average sized man and 10years ago I married a bbw. She has since lost 60 lbs or so down to about 250 lbs. I loved her at 310 and I love her at 250. And she loves me at 160. We support each other. If it were my choice she would gain weight but it is her body that she has to live with. When we first met she was extremely self conscious and ashamed with her size. She still is, but with my support and love and attraction she is more comfortable about being a plus size. She is baffled about how anyone could be attracted to an overweight person.
    Unfortunately as we all know modern society frowns upon the obese. But as of lately we are starting to become more tolerant and accepting of the things and people that we do not understand. My mother does not like tattoos. I have several and when I showed her and explained the meaning behind each one she now see tattoos a little bit differently now.
    When I told her that I was dating a woman that was getting a bit serious (my current wife) she asked if she was overweight. I proudly said yes. And when asked why I liked fat women. I replied that it is what I am attracted to. Just like my mother likes the color teal and unicorns. I like plus size women.
    I don't think it is hypocritical to be attracted to someone who is different from you. I am a male does that mean that I should be attracted to men? Not gonna happen.
    When I married my wife we promised to love and support each other through thick and thin. No pun intended. Is there things that she would change about me? Of course! We talk about desires and dreams and we support each other through it all. Has it been easy? Oh hell no! But in the end we are together. And we are happy together. And that what matters.
     

Share This Page