Getting temporarily banned from this site got me to start thinking about why I post at boards like this in general. Why do I do it? What is this compulsion? Why can I not stop?
Perhaps it's a social need to reach out to people, but if that were the case, why was I happy to have gotten banned in the first place? I don't understand some things about me, and this paradox has perplexed me. Why do I feel nothing?
I wish I could be the warm and wonderful person like so many people here are and I wish I could be a monolith of virtue like so many others. I can't though. The only person I know how to be is me and it sucks because it just seems like I'm not a nice person.
That doesn't bother me either though because I have to keep people at arms length from me. I have this thing where I actually fear people being kind to me and I expect people to really treat me poorly. Why can't I let myself trust people... especially people that I would seem to have at least one thing in common with?
Is there something wrong with me? Am I just a lost soul? Am I stupid? I don't know anymore. I don't know anything anymore. I don't even know if my heart is even in size acceptance anymore. I used to be outspoken and proud, but now it's like I have this fear of saying anything to anyone. I can't stand it.
Getting banned, opened my eyes though. Maybe I don't need any of this. Maybe my need to post is just an illusion I cast for myself. An illusion of being social. Maybe if I just act like everybody else, agree with everybody else, do what everybody else says I'll be ok.
I tried that, and I can't do it. It's like winding up a coil to the point where it's either going to spring free or snap. Neither is a good result. I don't know why I don't feel like I belong here. I want to play nicely with everybody, I want to have meaningful discussions and share insights.
But I always screw it up.
And it's not just this board. I've walked away from literally dozens of message boards, each time feeling like I wanted to breathe smoke. It is that voracious anger inside me that finds the pleasure in it, and I'm sick of it. I try to change it and sometimes I make progress, and sometimes I don't. I know that I do try though. This post, for example, is me offering an explanation as to why I can be such a prick. I could keep it all to myself and let it boil and get banned permanently, but I'm trying not to do that.
I never asked to be the person that I am. I never asked to carry all of this hate, anger and frustration around in my heart. On the same token, I never asked to be liked either. If people find me to be a worthwhile person, I befriend them and I treat them with all of the respect I have. But I just can't give respect like that away. The best I can promise is that I can try and not be insulting, but being insulted is based on a persons point of view.
Some people just want to feel insulted, I guess.
Please try and understand that I never meant to insult, demean or degrade anybody. It was never my intention to be defiant and disrespectful. I have a lot of my own issues, some of which I was born with, that make me a difficult person. I can understand there may be a few people here that don't like me, and that's fine. I can assure you though that nobody has a more harsh attitude about me than me.
If I'm still welcome here, that's fine. If not, that's fine to. But before you decide to permanently put me on the permanent ban list, I just thought I would say something, not necessarily in my own defense, but just as something to keep in mind.
Perhaps it's a social need to reach out to people, but if that were the case, why was I happy to have gotten banned in the first place? I don't understand some things about me, and this paradox has perplexed me. Why do I feel nothing?
I wish I could be the warm and wonderful person like so many people here are and I wish I could be a monolith of virtue like so many others. I can't though. The only person I know how to be is me and it sucks because it just seems like I'm not a nice person.
That doesn't bother me either though because I have to keep people at arms length from me. I have this thing where I actually fear people being kind to me and I expect people to really treat me poorly. Why can't I let myself trust people... especially people that I would seem to have at least one thing in common with?
Is there something wrong with me? Am I just a lost soul? Am I stupid? I don't know anymore. I don't know anything anymore. I don't even know if my heart is even in size acceptance anymore. I used to be outspoken and proud, but now it's like I have this fear of saying anything to anyone. I can't stand it.
Getting banned, opened my eyes though. Maybe I don't need any of this. Maybe my need to post is just an illusion I cast for myself. An illusion of being social. Maybe if I just act like everybody else, agree with everybody else, do what everybody else says I'll be ok.
I tried that, and I can't do it. It's like winding up a coil to the point where it's either going to spring free or snap. Neither is a good result. I don't know why I don't feel like I belong here. I want to play nicely with everybody, I want to have meaningful discussions and share insights.
But I always screw it up.
And it's not just this board. I've walked away from literally dozens of message boards, each time feeling like I wanted to breathe smoke. It is that voracious anger inside me that finds the pleasure in it, and I'm sick of it. I try to change it and sometimes I make progress, and sometimes I don't. I know that I do try though. This post, for example, is me offering an explanation as to why I can be such a prick. I could keep it all to myself and let it boil and get banned permanently, but I'm trying not to do that.
I never asked to be the person that I am. I never asked to carry all of this hate, anger and frustration around in my heart. On the same token, I never asked to be liked either. If people find me to be a worthwhile person, I befriend them and I treat them with all of the respect I have. But I just can't give respect like that away. The best I can promise is that I can try and not be insulting, but being insulted is based on a persons point of view.
Some people just want to feel insulted, I guess.
Please try and understand that I never meant to insult, demean or degrade anybody. It was never my intention to be defiant and disrespectful. I have a lot of my own issues, some of which I was born with, that make me a difficult person. I can understand there may be a few people here that don't like me, and that's fine. I can assure you though that nobody has a more harsh attitude about me than me.
If I'm still welcome here, that's fine. If not, that's fine to. But before you decide to permanently put me on the permanent ban list, I just thought I would say something, not necessarily in my own defense, but just as something to keep in mind.
