My wife

Discussion in 'Weight Board' started by Jumbo Man, May 26, 2015.

  1. May 26, 2015 #1

    Jumbo Man

    Jumbo Man

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    Hello,
    I have been married for two years now, to my beautiful petite wife. There have been a handful of times where she will gain a few pounds, start to soften up, and then bam, she will diet and lose the little bit of weight in no time. I think she is sexy no matter what, but would love an extra 10-20lbs on her. I have told her a ton of times when she puts on a few how amazing she looks, and how I love the way her body feels, but she doesn't seem to believe me.

    Does anyone have any advice on how I can help her feel beautiful when she puts on a few?

    Before I get a bunch of nasty comments and people telling me I should just let her be, let me just say I am ok with that, and have done it in the past. The thing is, she loves to eat, our sex is better, and she seems happier when she is a few pounds heavier. But then out if nowhere she will feel fat and diet down. Never seeming as happy when she's skinny. I think a big part of it is that she thinks I prefer her tiny, and while I have told her a ton of times that she looks her best when her weight is up, she just does not seem to believe me.

    Any advice will be appreciated. Obviously for selfish reasons I would love her fatter, but I also think she'll be happier not worrying about what she eats and knowing her husband finds her sexier than ever.
     
  2. May 26, 2015 #2

    loopytheone

    loopytheone

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    It is a difficult situation but I understand that you want to do what is right by your wife. And as frustrating as it is, you are doing all the right things. All you can do is be supportive and honest. She has to figure out for herself how she feels best and what makes her happy and healthy. And you have to love her no matter what.
     
  3. May 26, 2015 #3

    Tad

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    I took a quick look at your profile, and it looks like your one other thread was on essentially this same topic, three years ago. I’m assuming that your gf of the time is your wife now, and that she has continued to cycle up and down over the same basic range? Tip one is to go and re-read the old thread, because much of the advice from then probably still applies now.

    Beyond that, let me just throw out a few reasons why she may desire being at the smaller end of her range. These are just off the top of my head, so I’m sure there are plenty more potential reasons. It best matches her self-image of who she is. It best matches the image of the person she aspires to be. She gets more favorable treatment out in the world. She gets compliments at work. It lets her feel superior to women who aren’t as trim. She likes her wardrobe and how she looks in it at her smaller size, and doesn’t want to replace it. There are activities she does where she can notice the difference of even that small gain. She likes the contrast of being petite and thin next to your larger size (I’m assuming from your name that you are big guy in some sense, be it tall, fat, muscular, all of the above, etc). It gets her mother off her back. She feels that it is an important part of her chances of getting ahead at work. She feels more in control. If she gives up that control, she doesn’t know where it would end. She is waiting for some future life event or milestone before she relaxes her commitment to being very trim. She enjoys knowing that lots of guys think she has a smoking hot body. She doesn’t see much of a middle ground between keeping herself sternly in check and completely letting go. She isn’t comfortable with how attracted you seem to be to her gaining weight, and doesn’t want to encourage that aspect of you. She’s always been a ‘good-girl’ and good girls don’t indulge in sensual pleasures of over-eating or appreciating softer flesh.

    In other words, you apparently don't know her reasons, there is no way you can guess her reasons or assume her reasons..... so to me, if you really want to understand, you have to ask. Key to that is respecting her opinions and autonomy, and not judging. So maybe something like "Obviously it is important to you to lose the weight again any time you've put on a few pounds. I respect that it is important to you, but I've never really understood why it is important to you. Is it something you can explain?" (and then listen, and don't try to correct, explain, etc, just ask enough questions to keep the explanation coming. This last part can be really, really, hard--but if you don't, you probably won't get deep into the reasons)
     
  4. May 27, 2015 #4

    Tracii

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    Sit down and have a talk with her about how you feel, women love deep discussions with their man.
    Tell her she is the most important thing in your life don't leave that line out somewhere in your discussion. LOL.
    Don't make it look like her weight the sole reason for your discussion because if you do the discussion is over and you are in the dog house.
     
  5. May 27, 2015 #5

    Jumbo Man

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    thanks everyone for all of the advice.
    it's funny, her and I have been talking today. Last night she didn't want anything to do with me and I was obviously frustrated. So today she asked me what was up with me last night, and I basically asked her the same thing. She still enjoys us making love, but hates when I grab her hips (my favorite place to grab). She thinks that I think she's fat.
    I told her I am not picking her apart, and if I touch her somewhere, it's because I love the way she feels.
    I really honestly think, that no matter how many times I compliment her, tell her she looks better than ever, etc....etc.....she just will not believe the fact that I find her more attractive when she's a few pounds heavier.
    I guess the advice I could use now is how do I convince her? Telling her is simple, but I am afraid if I am blunt about it, and she doesn't want to gain, she will think I am not completely happy with her.
    Obviously, I am on this site, I would prefer her bigger, but if she's not happy bigger I am still completely ok with her staying petite.
     
  6. May 27, 2015 #6

    Tad

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    Jumbo--quick question, what is your size like? (it kind of colours the conversation in various ways)
     
  7. May 27, 2015 #7

    Jumbo Man

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    heavily muscled...sometimes chubby, sometimes kinda lean
     
  8. May 27, 2015 #8

    Tad

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    A bunch of somewhat random thoughts.

    You do think she is fat (relatively speaking). You just happen to think that is a good look on her. There is danger that she can come to interpret all compliments from you as “wow do you ever look fat today.” (look for the thread on the main board about “my boyfriend is a chubby chaser” for how that can feel) So for sure it is an area to tread in carefully.

    All you can really count on is convincing her that you are an eccentric who likes her a bit curvier and softer, for reasons that she may never understand. The good news is that focussing on that message first does make life easier. Don’t try to convince her “You are better looking when you are bigger” just “It turns me on when you are bigger” and “I think you look fantastic right now.” The message is that in your eyes, to your hands, this is a good thing. That doesn’t put your message in conflict with the messages she hears from pretty much everywhere else, so it has a better idea of getting through.

    Her accepting that you find her hot when she is at the heavier end of her range is no guarantee that she will choose to stay there, because as I said in a previous message, there can be all sorts of other reasons in her life. So it is important not to put pressure on her (explicit or implicit). Part of this is that if/when she loses weight, find things to compliment about her looks, even if overall you think she looks better when heavier.

    Actions can speak louder than words. When she is at the heavier end of her range, try to get her out to places where it is either very little dress (the beach) or fancy dress, and emphasize that you want to show her off, that you love how she looks and you are calling in the implied husband right to occasionally ask his wife to go out and be hot, to make him look good. Go out, be attentive, even a little too attentive, show that you are totally smitten with her looks. This emphasizes that it is not just a bedroom thing, but that you honestly think it is a good look on her. Other ways of showing it are to go shopping with her and asking her for a “fashion show” of possible outfits, random PDAs, putting pics of her up on your Facebook (if you do that, if she is OK with that), etc.

    Write a poem about the allure of her hips, or something like that. Putting time and thought into the description shows that you really mean it.

    Ask her what you could do to convince her that you think she is more beautiful and sexier than ever (and if she doesn’t have an answer, come back to the question periodically).

    Understand some of the voices in her life (current or past ones that may live on in her head) that help put such high value on being really thin. Sometimes that can help (i.e. did her grandmother always praise how skinny she was? Was her father always critical of her mother’s weight? Did her first boyfriend tell her she was too fat when she was actually thin? Does her best friend always compare which of them is skinnier? Does she take part in high intensity fitness classes where most people are super-toned? Etc)

    Ask her what makes her feel beautiful—or for that matter, does she ever feel beautiful, and is feeling beautiful important or meaningful to her? Or ask her how she sees herself, or what makes her confident. Good things to know, whether or not it ends up touching on all of this or not.

    Find physical activities you can do together (biking, walking, paddling, skiing, whatever--just not things that are competitive, pitting you against each other). Syncing up your bodies in those sorts of things can be a powerful way to feel connected, and to show that you don't disregard her physical abilities.

    And most of all, be patient, and remember that you have decades together in front of you. Nothing may change immediately, but like with savings, a little now can matter a lot over time.
     
  9. May 29, 2015 #9

    Jumbo Man

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    Tad,
    I definitely appreciate all of the advice.
    I'll use a lot of it!
    Thanks
     
  10. Aug 5, 2015 #10

    Jumbo Man

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    UPDATE:
    I'm not sure how much my wife has gained, she is afraid to weigh herself. I have been doing everything I can to let her know how gorgeous she is, and how good I think she looks. It's been hard to do so without letting her know I've noticed she's a little bigger. It's really such a small amount most people wouldn't notice, but with her being so weight conscious and me having a fetish for weight gain, I think we both notice immediately.
    Again, like before, she has enjoyed not exercising, enjoyed eating whatever she wants, and our love life has been phenomenal. Sometimes I think she actually likes being a little softer. I'm a little worried she's going to freak out and diet again, but if so no biggie, I'm just really enjoying this right now.
    I was wondering if anyone on here has gone from being petite to chubby or even developing into a full fledged BBW? Or has anyone been with someone who has? Would like to know how it was for someone usually small to gain a considerable amount of weight.

    Thanks,

    Jumbo
     
  11. Aug 6, 2015 #11

    FrankBell

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    Need photos
     
  12. Aug 7, 2015 #12

    Jumbo Man

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    maybe!!!!
    def would not include her face.....
    I've wanted to take some just for myself, but it's kinda hard to sneak a photo of her little belly....especially when she's so aware of it.
     
  13. Aug 14, 2015 #13

    skizz

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  14. Aug 14, 2015 #14

    lille

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    For the love all things holy, do not secretly take photos of your wife, especially if a body part she's insecure about and don't even think about posting them online. That is such a huge invasion of privacy.
     
    Xyantha Reborn likes this.
  15. Aug 17, 2015 #15

    loopytheone

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    This x 1000000. If somebody I trusted took a secret picture of me like that and put it on the internet I would never speak to them again. Plus she'd probably be mortified about it being shared on a site like this, of all places, judging by what you have said about her.
     
  16. Aug 24, 2015 #16

    isotope

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    "Hey hun, I know you're insecure with your body, buuuuut here's a porn video I like cranking it to. DONT YOU WANT TO BE HER?!"
     
  17. Jan 28, 2016 #17

    Jumbo Man

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    new update:

    over the last couple of months her weight has crept up. I'm not sure what she is at, but she is definitely bigger and softer than ever. it is absolutely driving me wild. she is still extremely small, and skinny by pretty much any standard, but she is absolutely filling her clothes out to the max, especially her little sweats and tank tops she wears to bed. her little love handles constantly popping out and causing her shirts to rise up. the only issue is she feels "sloppy". I've told her she is sexier than ever, and continually let her know she is the sexiest thing I have ever seen. Sometimes it helps, sometimes it doesn't. she just doesn't seem to believe me. she has that stick thin model image in her head as being beautiful. I already feel like the luckiest man on earth, just need to get her feeling better and more confident.

    any advice?
     
  18. Jan 28, 2016 #18

    Tad

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    I'd say focus on the "I think" and "to me" phrases. Easier to convince her that you are benignly eccentric than to convince her the whole world is wrong. But also convincing her about how you see her can be a step to convincing her to accept that the whole world doesn't see it that way.
     
  19. Jan 28, 2016 #19

    Xyantha Reborn

    Xyantha Reborn

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    Also if she is ok with it, get her clothes that fit her and make her feel sexy. You mentioned she is bulging out.

    Unless you are a gainer or really like it, the feeling of bulging out of clothes is blegh. I mean, i am ok with no bulges in a size 10 but in my size 8 it squeezes and i feel nontraditionally sexy. Just having clothes that fit can help bridge the "i am sexy in my own eyes" gap - and you still get some chub to play with.
     
  20. Jan 29, 2016 #20

    Tad

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    Agreed with what Xyantha says ^^^^^ Although you do have to be careful with how you do it. It could be read as "Yes, you have gotten fat; here have some fat clothes" which is not apt to have a good outcome, you know?

    If you were going to do this, one thought is to buy from (or take her shopping to) places she doesn't normally shop, allowing the 'different stores/brands always vary in their sizes' excuse in her head, to give her a bit of a mental out so that the nice new clothes don't just make her feel fat and sloppy. If you can swing it, get them at a place a step fancier than she normally shops -- higher end places are often shameless with their vanity sizing (i.e. what should probably be a size 10 is tagged as a size 6), so she may not even have to go through the discomfort of a larger tag number.

    And don't forget underthings. Get her a good sized gift card for somewhere with really good quality bras, and send her for a fitting and to buy some new ones. You will both probably appreciate the results of that.
     

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