Not sure how to handle this

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LifeTraveller

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The bolded part is the most important lesson you'll ever learn. If you try to conform to what others think you should be, you'll be miserable your whole life. Be yourself. Like what you like. If anyone tries to shame you, tell them to f- off. That includes family.
"To thine own self be true". . Some of the best words ever written. It's pretty much what personal life boils down to. . I took a bit of flak from some friends and family because of my wife's weight. . Not much, I told it like it was, and from then on. . everything was copacetic, more or less. . Those that could dealt with us did, those that couldn't. . Well that's how it goes. .
 

sarahe543

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If anything is said about my man being large the reply will be a 'well DUH' I think I have been lucky so far no silly comments but I have a tendency to blank things that I don't want to hear! Sure I have heard the 'oh so you like big guys then' Well DUH! :D
 

Musicman560

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Don't let other people control your thoughts or life. And you should realize, fat admiration is a lifelong preference. You cannot change it.
Thx again peeps! Not gonna let what ppl think keep me away from this amazing person i met!
 

Musicman560

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Alright, so i'm wondering if you guys can give me a bit more help. How do you guys deal with "going out?" I want to treat her like a regular size girl but I'm starting to see some issues. Like when we go to the movies, she can't fit in the seats unless the arm can go up. So now i know we always have to go to a theater with arms that can go up. But what about other situations? I don't have any other in mind other then restaurant booths, cause I haven't encountered them yet but I guess you can say I want to be prepared for them. I don't want to put her in a position where she would be uncomfortable.
 

BigBeautifulMe

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Pre-plan. If possible, check places out before you suggest them. Ensure there are comfortable seats, and if you're going to be doing some walking ensure there are places for her to stop and rest should she need to. Try to look at those places from her perspective. Or, even better, if you have any BBW acquaintances in your area, check with them to see if they know any fat-friendly places. Most importantly, when you're out with her, try to be aware of her comfort and ask lightly but caringly if she's comfortable if she looks like she might not be. And most of all don't trot out "I came here beforehand and scoped this place out to make sure the chairs would fit your ass." lol! If she's not into the BBW scene and doesn't know places like this and ideas like this exist, she might be way more embarrassed by that than happy.
 

Tad

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The great white north, eh?
Maybe you could get her input on things she'd like and which work for her? Obviously not "Hey, what dating type things work for you despite how fat you are?" but maybe more like "I want us to have a lot of fun this summer. I was thinking we could make a list of half a dozen things we could do on weekends that we'd really enjoy. Kind of brainstorm on how we could plan some awesome days. First step is just to get a lot of ideas on paper, then we choose a few that appeal most, then we plan on how to make them awesome."

You could offer ideas like a picnic in a park, visit to some local tourist attractions (use specific places, not generic), going to a flea market, hitting the beach, going to a local pool/pond/reservoir/lagoon (swimming place where you don't have to walk on sand, basically), sporting event (again be specific), renaissance faire (if such a thing visits your area), theatre in the park, concert (have some bands and dates to offer up), or whatever else you think of. Don't overwhelm her with a list all at once--offer up a few to get things started, let her come up with some, add some to keep things going.

The winnowing down could be the trickiest part, because you'd need to be reading her non-verbal language to make sure she doesn't agree to something to please you, that she isn't sure about. But try to come up with a few that you both agree on.

Then add on to them, to make a day. The central activity is going to a play in a park one evening. You need to decide if you are sitting on a blanket or bringing chairs, then are you going out to a restaurant to eat before, or bringing a picnic with you? If a picnic, maybe you'll shop together and prepare it together, maybe even go picnic basket shopping first, etc.

Of course, in all of this you need to have an idea of her physical limits and comfort zone, so that she doesn't have to say "I hate sitting on the ground, because it is really embarrassing when I have to get up, if there are people around" So things like how far is she good for walking, how long for standing, how is she with hills or stairs (getting cheap seat at the baseball game might sound good so there is more apt to be space around you, but not so good if it is more stairs than she can climb without hurting).

Basically it comes down to, it sounds like you aren't on your first dates anymore, so it is fair to get more interactive (still plan a few things that you can just bring her on, everyone likes to just relax and enjoy sometimes, but most enjoy planning dates with other people too). And in the joint planning, you'll learn more of what she likes.

Good luck!
 

Dromond

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I would ask her where she likes to go to eat. Don't couch the topic in accommodating her size, couch the topic in getting an idea of what kinds of food she likes.

As to what to plan to do, Tad has the right idea. Get input from her. Not only will you find out what is more comfortable for her, you'll be doing the gentlemanly act of caring about what she likes.
 

BigBeautifulMe

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The above two gents (Dromond and Tad) are two of the best husbands and FAs you could come across, OP. Listen to them. ;)
 

Grundsau 11

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Egad! You have, in your girlfriend a woman who a vast # of men, me included, would do damn near anything to have the privilege to refer to as their girlfriend, & THIS is all you can worry about?

I may be from PENNSYLVANIA, not MISSOURI, but I don't believe a b----y word of it! It sounds as true as a 5-cent bugle!
 

Musicman560

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Pre-plan. If possible, check places out before you suggest them. Ensure there are comfortable seats, and if you're going to be doing some walking ensure there are places for her to stop and rest should she need to. Try to look at those places from her perspective. Or, even better, if you have any BBW acquaintances in your area, check with them to see if they know any fat-friendly places. Most importantly, when you're out with her, try to be aware of her comfort and ask lightly but caringly if she's comfortable if she looks like she might not be. And most of all don't trot out "I came here beforehand and scoped this place out to make sure the chairs would fit your ass." lol! If she's not into the BBW scene and doesn't know places like this and ideas like this exist, she might be way more embarrassed by that than happy.
Thank you, seating is what im most worried about since all of her weight is down there.
 

Musicman560

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Thx Dromond and Tad, thats really good advice. Im just goin to plan most events with her, since it will be in her area anyway. So, she would know what places would be best for herself.
 

MrWhiteShin

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Ethan Fuselier,
I had an issue with it as well, but I think it was mostly because I was concerned with having proper timing or some other nonessential reason. I wish you luck with it, and say just let what happens happen. :)
 

Tad

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The great white north, eh?
One more thought: be flexible. Something may be all planned out, then not work out. You have to be able to laugh about it, and be OK if the big plan doesn`t work out, and especially if you missed some issue or problem. We all make mistakes, it is how we react to them and recover from them that really matters.

(personal anecdote: my wife has had knee issues since before we met, back to when she was fairly thin. On one visit (while we were LDR) I`d made plans for us to have a leisurely walk up the gentle side of Mount Royal (big hill in the middle of Montreal), then take the stairs down the cliff side to downtown, where we`d get supper. The walk up was wonderful, the snack we had up there was intimate and romantic. And then I discovered that going down many stairs is her biggest problem with her knees. It had never come up, as we`d never been faced with a HUGE stair case before. But it was either the stairs, or a mile or more back down the wrong side of the mountain, as it was getting dark. She ended bumming down a lot of the stairs, like a toddler, and by the end her knees and backside were so sore we just hobbled to the nearest metro station and took the train back to my apartment and had ramen noodles. After that I was much more careful if I was planning something without talking it through with her first.)
 

Musicman560

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One more thought: be flexible. Something may be all planned out, then not work out. You have to be able to laugh about it, and be OK if the big plan doesn`t work out, and especially if you missed some issue or problem. We all make mistakes, it is how we react to them and recover from them that really matters.

(personal anecdote: my wife has had knee issues since before we met, back to when she was fairly thin. On one visit (while we were LDR) I`d made plans for us to have a leisurely walk up the gentle side of Mount Royal (big hill in the middle of Montreal), then take the stairs down the cliff side to downtown, where we`d get supper. The walk up was wonderful, the snack we had up there was intimate and romantic. And then I discovered that going down many stairs is her biggest problem with her knees. It had never come up, as we`d never been faced with a HUGE stair case before. But it was either the stairs, or a mile or more back down the wrong side of the mountain, as it was getting dark. She ended bumming down a lot of the stairs, like a toddler, and by the end her knees and backside were so sore we just hobbled to the nearest metro station and took the train back to my apartment and had ramen noodles. After that I was much more careful if I was planning something without talking it through with her first.)
Being flexible is no prob with me, but like I said just want to avoid an embarassing situation. Haven't come close to happening yet but im sure it will happen someday lol. Just gotta be prepared. Though I learned recently that lots of stairs are a nono so escalators/elevators are now becoming our friends.
 

Tiffany08

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Musicman560 even though i'm 5 years late you cant help who your falling more and people shouldn't judge you or her because of her size so i say do whatever makes you happy and don't worry what others think
 

sarahreign

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Honestly,why does it matter to them what your preference is? If they don't like it they don't have to meet your potential mate. I would bluntly tell them all up front, if they don't like it they need to shut their mouths and accept it. If they were really your so called friends and family, it would not matter WHAT you like, they should support you 100%. They are doing nothing but making you unhappy with the insults and you need to tell them that. I have zero tolerance when it come to family & friends who aren't open minded and feel the need to talk crap. It's childish! I have to hear it from my family because I am the fat one (in the family since I am a gainer) and date smaller guys than me. I just basically flip them off and tell them they are the ones basically pushing me away.
I am not saying this is the right way to do things, but I feel that being blunt, honest upfront and stating my intentions from the beginning is easier than being silent and letting it bother me. I don't need to surround myself with people who are THAT small minded that weight, race, creed or what ever is more important than my (yours in this case) happiness.

Hope this kind of helps. I am just an open book and really don't care what people say! (You can always punch them in their face too LOL :D jk)
 

Musicman560

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thx guys for the replies. At this point a majority of my close friends alrdy kno and have been cool with it, so i guess i was worrying for nothin. And yes, I agree that there opinion on my preference is not important at all.
 
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