Responsibility for one‘s partner?

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luckyfa

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Just recently, I began to wonder if a bear any responsibility for my wife‘s recent weight gain. She gained 20 lbs in five months and I love it. She didn‘t want to gain that weight and doesn‘t want to gain more of it, at least officially. She knows that I love it and that I wouldn‘t mind her gaining even more weight. She knows that she can lose as much weight as she pleases and that I am still going to love her. I just let her know that I am not going believe her anymore if she once again announces her „serious determination“ to lose weight. She was dead serious too often and she knows that.

Well, I noticed a few things she doesn‘t seem to be aware of:

1. Most of her weight gain went into fat mass. She‘s 13 lbs away from her previous peak weight, but only 6-7 lbs from her previous peak fat mass. Is it my responsibility to tell her about this finding?

2. She once again has become the voracious eater she was when she started getting fat. She eats when she’s frustrated and stressed and she eats when she’s relaxed and happy. I believe that I know when she‘s most likely full but she keeps eating more. Four out of seven nights I am not supposed to touch her belly after dinner. We‘re not in a feedee/feeder-relationship and she isn‘t a voluntary gainer. Is it my responsibility to intervene knowing that she officially doesn‘t want to gain weight?

What‘s your take on that?
 

Orchid

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Emotional eater. emotional eating is a complicated thing. Usually starts in early youth. As a coping mechanism. Food fills an empty spot, a lack of something.

Some medical conditions cause eating. So maybe a health check at GP. Certain Rx meds cause weight gain because they slow the metabolism.

Food is for nutrition, for fuel/energy, for joy and socializing, for satisfaction, nothing nicer than good food in great company of friends and family and spouse/partner/romantic interest etc.

As an adult person one decides what to eat, when to eat, how much to eat, or if we eat at all.

 
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landshark

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Help me understand your dynamic. While you personally enjoy her weight gain, you know she doesn't and want to gain and you are considering this conversation to help her avoid going to a place weight-wise you know she won't like?
 

TheShannan

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Just recently, I began to wonder if a bear any responsibility for my wife‘s recent weight gain. She gained 20 lbs in five months and I love it. She didn‘t want to gain that weight and doesn‘t want to gain more of it, at least officially. She knows that I love it and that I wouldn‘t mind her gaining even more weight. She knows that she can lose as much weight as she pleases and that I am still going to love her. I just let her know that I am not going believe her anymore if she once again announces her „serious determination“ to lose weight. She was dead serious too often and she knows that.

Well, I noticed a few things she doesn‘t seem to be aware of:

1. Most of her weight gain went into fat mass. She‘s 13 lbs away from her previous peak weight, but only 6-7 lbs from her previous peak fat mass. Is it my responsibility to tell her about this finding?

2. She once again has become the voracious eater she was when she started getting fat. She eats when she’s frustrated and stressed and she eats when she’s relaxed and happy. I believe that I know when she‘s most likely full but she keeps eating more. Four out of seven nights I am not supposed to touch her belly after dinner. We‘re not in a feedee/feeder-relationship and she isn‘t a voluntary gainer. Is it my responsibility to intervene knowing that she officially doesn‘t want to gain weight?

What‘s your take on that?
Can I just say I really appreciate the fact that you realize that while you may enjoy it, she may not. It sounds like you guys have good communication going on and I respect the hell out of that ❤
 

jrose123

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Just recently, I began to wonder if a bear any responsibility for my wife‘s recent weight gain. She gained 20 lbs in five months and I love it. She didn‘t want to gain that weight and doesn‘t want to gain more of it, at least officially. She knows that I love it and that I wouldn‘t mind her gaining even more weight. She knows that she can lose as much weight as she pleases and that I am still going to love her. I just let her know that I am not going believe her anymore if she once again announces her „serious determination“ to lose weight. She was dead serious too often and she knows that.

Well, I noticed a few things she doesn‘t seem to be aware of:

1. Most of her weight gain went into fat mass. She‘s 13 lbs away from her previous peak weight, but only 6-7 lbs from her previous peak fat mass. Is it my responsibility to tell her about this finding?

2. She once again has become the voracious eater she was when she started getting fat. She eats when she’s frustrated and stressed and she eats when she’s relaxed and happy. I believe that I know when she‘s most likely full but she keeps eating more. Four out of seven nights I am not supposed to touch her belly after dinner. We‘re not in a feedee/feeder-relationship and she isn‘t a voluntary gainer. Is it my responsibility to intervene knowing that she officially doesn‘t want to gain weight?

What‘s your take on that?
 

jrose123

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No, you don't bear the responsibility of what she decides or doesn't decide to put in her mouth. The real issue is why she feels the need to keep eating beyond satiety? It's a sad place to be when you're using food as a weapon of self injury or a tool of punishment.
To be blunt, my biggest fear would be she's eating out of stress and depression because she has issues about her relationship with you and she isnt able to express that. Nevertheless, her issue isnt your issue. Thus are the issues of relationships. People change. We change. Changes aren't easy or comfortable. Love covers a multitude of issues. Focus on the love.
 

luckyfa

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Help me understand your dynamic. While you personally enjoy her weight gain, you know she doesn't and want to gain and you are considering this conversation to help her avoid going to a place weight-wise you know she won't like?
You’re basically right. The thing is I am not even sure if she doesn‘t somewhat enjoy her weight gain, that‘s why I initially wrote that she „officially“ didn’t and doesn‘t want to gain weight. She certainly enjoys my admiration. The thing is that she underestimates her weight gain due to the increased body fat ratio. Gaining weight is one thing, losing muscle mass in relation to fat mass is another.
 

luckyfa

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Emotional eater. emotional eating is a complicated thing. Usually starts in early youth. As a coping mechanism. Food fills an empty spot, a lack of something.

Some medical conditions cause eating. So maybe a health check at GP. Certain Rx meds cause weight gain because they slow the metabolism.

Food is for nutrition, for fuel/energy, for joy and socializing, for satisfaction, nothing nicer than good food in great company of friends and family and spouse/partner/romantic interest etc.

As an adult person one decides what to eat, when to eat, how much to eat, or if we eat at all.

There were times when she ate out of stress and frustration, but this doesn‘t seem to be case right now. She eats because she‘s happy while there are of course still elements of stress, even anxiety, caused by the ongoing pandemic with no end in sight. She‘s going to get her health checked anyway.
 

luckyfa

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No, you don't bear the responsibility of what she decides or doesn't decide to put in her mouth. The real issue is why she feels the need to keep eating beyond satiety? It's a sad place to be when you're using food as a weapon of self injury or a tool of punishment.
She simply loves to eat, I think she might even enjoy the feeling of being full. She may or may not skip a meal the next day. She loves to eat and knows that I am not going to leave her even if she gained another 50 lbs or more. She consciously appreciates our difference in appearance. I also think that her times of self-punishment are over.

As far as our relationship is concerned, we‘re currently happier with each other than we ever were in the past 10 years. Sounds weird because we‘re far from being perfect like everybody else and we had our fair share of relationship issues: She‘s my dream woman and I am her dream guy.
 

jrose123

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Ok. I'm glad to here that. Just trust in your love for each other. Relationships have highs and downs. Just remember, we are still in a pandemic. No one is what they want to be. Good luck!
 

luckyfa

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Ok. I'm glad to here that. Just trust in your love for each other. Relationships have highs and downs. Just remember, we are still in a pandemic. No one is what they want to be. Good luck!
Thank you. That‘s right, the pandemic. It glued us together.
 

Tad

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The great white north, eh?
The metaphor I've used around this topic is that living with me tends to create a breeze blowing toward fatland. My wife is steering her own boat and can certainly make an effort to sail against that breeze, but the easiest thing is always to drift with that breeze. In our case, since she doesn't particularly like fatland, it behooves me to keep that breeze as low as I can manage, and to carefully and subtly make her aware when she is perhaps sailing in that direction more quickly than I think she'd like.

You don't control what she chooses to eat, but maybe you have a hand in what food is in the house? How dinner is served? Whether you aks her if she wants seconds or assume not? What activities you suggest over the course of the week? All those sort of things add up that figurative breeze.
 

luckyfa

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a breeze blowing toward fatland.
That’s a nice way of putting it.

she doesn't particularly like fatland
She doesn’t either although I am not always sure.

you have a hand in what food is in the house
I do...only “healthy” stuff, mostly that is. But there isn’t any food that is inherently fattening or slimming. It’s the dose that makes the poison.

The same with dinner. I am the cook.

Whether you aks her if she wants seconds or assume not
I don’t have to

What activities you suggest over the course of the week?
Locked down for months, even with curfews at times. She’s been working from home since november.
 

Tad

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The great white north, eh?
@luckyfa I phrased the examples poorly -- those were examples that I'd noticed in myself. You'd know best, or can observe best, what habits and behaviors you might have that 'blow towards fatland.' (and I'm not saying that these things are awful, most of them are entirely reasonable on their own, it is just the overall sum of small things that point in the same direction (and not as many pointing the other way) that can have an influence on things. Also that you prefer her fat is not a secret so that being around you pushes things in that direction shouldn't be surprising. It is more a question of you looking at the sum of your behaviors and deciding if you are comfortable with how hard you are, net, pushing in that one direction.

And what I didn't really say at all is that I think we can take a lot of responsibility for that side of things, and maybe be tough on ourselves about it. But about how she chooses to steer the ship of her body/life, I think we need to be a lot more careful. Those are their decisions to make. Personally I think it is better to be asking questions or guiding conversations rather than just telling. More a matter of making sure they know which way they are steering or how far they have sailed, then stepping back. Or in a non-metaphorical sense, more like "Extra hungry tonight?" (=reminder that is a portion appropriate for gaining), or "You'd talked about wanting to take more evening walks once the weather was nicer, tomorrow looks nice, should we plan a walk?" (=you said you were going to take an action for more fitness and haven't followed through. Is it something you still want to do?").

All just my opinions, based on my experiences. You and your wife are different people. Advice on the internet is worth what you paid for it. Your mileage may vary. No warranty express or implied, (and any other disclaimer you can think of.)
 

luckyfa

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@luckyfa I phrased the examples poorly -- those were examples that I'd noticed in myself. You'd know best, or can observe best, what habits and behaviors you might have that 'blow towards fatland.' (and I'm not saying that these things are awful, most of them are entirely reasonable on their own, it is just the overall sum of small things that point in the same direction (and not as many pointing the other way) that can have an influence on things. Also that you prefer her fat is not a secret so that being around you pushes things in that direction shouldn't be surprising. It is more a question of you looking at the sum of your behaviors and deciding if you are comfortable with how hard you are, net, pushing in that one direction.

And what I didn't really say at all is that I think we can take a lot of responsibility for that side of things, and maybe be tough on ourselves about it. But about how she chooses to steer the ship of her body/life, I think we need to be a lot more careful. Those are their decisions to make. Personally I think it is better to be asking questions or guiding conversations rather than just telling. More a matter of making sure they know which way they are steering or how far they have sailed, then stepping back. Or in a non-metaphorical sense, more like "Extra hungry tonight?" (=reminder that is a portion appropriate for gaining), or "You'd talked about wanting to take more evening walks once the weather was nicer, tomorrow looks nice, should we plan a walk?" (=you said you were going to take an action for more fitness and haven't followed through. Is it something you still want to do?").

All just my opinions, based on my experiences. You and your wife are different people. Advice on the internet is worth what you paid for it. Your mileage may vary. No warranty express or implied, (and any other disclaimer you can think of.)
Thank you @Tad I don‘t think that you phrased your responses poorly, on the contrary. The thing is that it‘s not about my behaviour. If I was somehow at least in part responsible of her recent weight gain, it would be due to acts of omission rather than due to acts of commission. I let her do (eat) as she pleases and I don‘t intervene. I don‘t offer her second (or third) helpings but I don‘t prevent her from eating more either.
 

extra_m13

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oh well, that is a good topic for conversation. personally i think, it depends. the best gain is one that is not 'forced' if you were only pushing and mentally manipulating and really being an ass on her about the number in the scale and things got out of hand well, probably there would be some blame in that regard. but... if life happens and wonderful curves come and she gains and learn to enjoy her food and curves then, wonderful things can happen. of course we are talking about chubby to bbw range, it would be different if we were talking about her weighing above 500 pounds for example and really struggling with different issues. personal opinion... but interesting topic.
 

Broseph

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Thanks for posting here. This is a good topic. I'll cut right to the chase, as a lot has been said already that I agree with. In my very nonprofessional opinion it seems that the first point (about fat mass) isn't something she necessarily needs to know. Right? And as for the second, I hear your point--what is your responsibility? I've wrestled with that one as an FA myself. Not sure your job is to continually give her an update on her eating habits or weight gain. Has she asked you to keep tabs and inform her about these things? It's conceivable that she could hear your comments as you wanting her to lose weight etc. if they are offered out of the blue. Or worse, monitoring might come across as shaming. It sounds like she knows you love her no matter what, and that you'll support her. Enjoy her size and respect her autonomy. These are just some thoughts--take them with lots and lots of grains of salt :)
 

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