The thread for random single confessions!

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loopytheone

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I second what everybody else says: You are never a burden here Odette and as you can see, there are a whole ton of people who want to give you love and support!



As for my own confession... I confess that I spent today finally going through some of the links the autism place gave me and I've ended up even more confused than when I started. Mostly I'm confused about what I want out of life, so it's no wonder nothing seemed helpful.

My health problems (and the benefit system over here) mean that I'm never going to be able to work, so all the services for that are pointless for me. But then, what do I want different about my life? There are classes and stuff I'd like to take but I have nobody available to go with me and there doesn't seem to be any help for that. I'd like to volunteer more, but I'm limited by not being able to afford the bus and they cant really help with that either.

But other than that? I'm pretty happy. The happiest I've been in years and years. But that doesn't seem like it should be the right answer, because I'm still disabled, still don't work, stay at home on my own all the time doing nothing etc etc. Like, shouldn't there be something I'm trying to do, aim for? Achieve? Is it okay to be happy living off disability benefits and staying inside all the time? I'm happy, but the world constantly seems to be telling me I shouldn't be.

I'm so confused right now.
 

ODFFA

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Thanks so much, all of you! God, you guys are the best. I think the main thing getting to me is that I now have to deal with people’s addictions both at home, and now also at work. But, oh well. One good thing is that I work on a sort of month-to-month subcontracting basis. So, if it really comes to it, I can cut my losses in an instant and just walk out. For the moment, I’ll just stick around and keep a watchful eye on the situation.



Loops,
The classes you’d like to take sound like a good solution here. Pity there isn’t someone to help. We all have the need for happiness in life, and part of that is feeling accomplished, feeling productive. It’s easy to say “don’t let society’s cookie-cutter view of what a proper life looks like, dictate yours.” But we’re all influenced by “society,” by norms, by each other.

People begrudge the ways in which others find happiness allll the time. They see a happy, affectionate couple and they have some shit to say about how it disgusts them. Perhaps they’ll foretell some doom and gloom to comfort themselves. They see someone who comes from a wealthy family, and will never attribute anything to that person’s work ethic. Surely everything must’ve been handed to them. I can sometimes begrudge people being very socially adept and generally free of anxiety. I can forget that they have their own set of challenges, that they don’t live their entire lives on cruise control, however it may appear.

People’s brains function so differently from one another. We forget that very easily, because at the same time, we are so similar. People need different things to be happy. Some people need to have their lives be a LOT of work / very little play. They’re at higher risk of burnout than most, but they can go years – many very fulfilling years – living this way. Some people need the opposite of that. They are perhaps at greater risk of feeling unfulfilled down the line, but they can live more in that opposite space, because their brains thrive there easily. And we all looove to have opinions on exactly what should constitute happiness for all. What must surely be the only possible recipe for balance and fulfilment. What must be done in order to “deserve” happiness.

Again, I could tell you to ignore all that… but you’re not an island. I just hope, in some small way, it’ll help you to read this and know that society can be ridiculous and silly and stringent. And people are exceptionally judgemental. 99% of us. The otherwise-nicest people you’ll ever meet, have very, very harsh judgements about some things. Also… hidden disability is a bitch. One that few people even try to understand. I hope it helps to hear that from someone else. You should be able to enjoy the happiness that comes from managing your life the way you genuinely need to. I hope you find a way to feel fulfilled and accomplished in it. There are ways to do these types of less conventional things. We’ll all be here to support you too, as you carve out your own path.
 

Dr. Feelgood

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I'm pretty happy. The happiest I've been in years and years. But that doesn't seem like it should be the right answer, because I'm still disabled, still don't work, stay at home on my own all the time doing nothing etc etc. Like, shouldn't there be something I'm trying to do, aim for? Achieve?
I can only speak from my own experience, but I worked for forty years before I finally achieved my goal: I retired. So now I don't work, stay at home doing nothing (except the Guardian crossword), and I'm the happiest I've been in years and years. You just got there quicker than I did, that's all. ;)
 

squeezablysoft

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Oh Loops, I so relate to this! I have cerebral palsy plus other assorted issues. I get social security but it's bare survival money, so I feel like when my mother isn't around to help me anymore (she's my only family and is 75 with health problems of her own, so this could happen soon) I'm gonna be miserable if I don't have some other income source, not even getting into the whole issue of how not working or having any marketable skills makes me feel utterly useless and incompetent as an adult human being. But at the same time I know employers are reluctant to hire disabled workers so getting work could be harder for me than for most ppl, plus there are practical considerations of what kind of work can I do that doesn't involve any physical activities and how will I even get to work (I can't drive and also can't transfer myself from my wheelchair to a car seat so just carpooling or Ubering wouldn't work unless someone in the car was strong enough to lift me).

I also have problems with stamina and energy, get tired way too easy, could just be a side effect of living with the mobility issues I've had all my life, but combined with other things like trouble getting motivated and feeling helpless and like everything is pointless, I suspect I'm depressed. Not sure if this is a normal reaction to crappy life circumstances or actual clinical depression but tbh I've felt this way since I was a kid, even in elementary school I felt like I'd never be good enough and didn't handle frustration well, tended to take things out on myself. Then around age 12 it was like all the joy got sucked out of me and my world went flat, my best friend at the time even asked me once why I wasn't any fun anymore. I guess growing up sucks for everyone but I felt so much worse after hitting puberty that for awhile I had this idea that maybe my hormones were making me miserable and I'd feel better if I had my ovaries removed or something, even though it's not a cycle thing but an everyday thing.

Its gotten progressively worse over the years, I told my parents I thought I was depressed when I was a kid and they always brushed it off, but now it's at a point where my mom told me yesterday she thinks I should "talk to someone". I'm planning to do that after the new year when my new insurance plan starts, assuming I can get transportation worked out (we have a medical transport thing here, I know a lady who uses it so I'll ask her about it). So anyway, sorry to be a bummer, seems like a lot of us are having a hard time rn and I love how everyone here is so supportive.
 

squeezablysoft

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Aaaand sometimes I think what I really wanna do is just marry an FA and devote my life to becoming his majestically massive immobile gaining goddess and just lay in bed and eat 24/7. But I've never uttered anything like that to anyone in my real life cause they'd think I was nuts and idk maybe as a real life goal (not just a fantasy) it IS nuts. Btw, I feel like I should mention this whole fat admiration/feedism thing when I start seeing a therapist/counselor since its a big part of who I am not just sexually but as an identity, it affects my own body image and the frustration of not being able to fulfill my desires in this area is one of the things that is making me unhappy. But I don't know how to go about it or how they will react and if they react by suggesting it's something abnormal that I need to try to "cure" myself of, how should I respond?
 

loopytheone

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Thank you for your support and advice everyone, it really means a lot to me. <3

Squeeze: Yeah, it does sound to be like you'd benefit from talking to a professional about your thoughts and moods and seeing if they can help you. Though as you said, at least part of it is because of the unpleasant situation you are in, as well as worries about the future. :(

I totally get what you mean in terms of thinking about just becoming a... well, a trophy fatty I suppose, hah! Realistically, when we eventually live together my partner will be the one earning all the money and looking after me. Which, honestly... it's a hard idea for me to wrap my head around. I'm very lucky to have him but at the same time it hurts to know that my health means I can't stand on my own two feet.

As for talking to therapists about the fat thing, I honestly avoided it like the plague, though I don't think that is especially great advice. I guess I never found my FFA-ness to be related to any of my mental health problems so there was no point mentioning it. I'd avoid mentioning the feederism thing because they might focus on trying to 'cure' that and that will obviously be the exact opposite of helpful.

Either way, I hope things improve for you in the future!
 

lille

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Aaaand sometimes I think what I really wanna do is just marry an FA and devote my life to becoming his majestically massive immobile gaining goddess and just lay in bed and eat 24/7. But I've never uttered anything like that to anyone in my real life cause they'd think I was nuts and idk maybe as a real life goal (not just a fantasy) it IS nuts. Btw, I feel like I should mention this whole fat admiration/feedism thing when I start seeing a therapist/counselor since its a big part of who I am not just sexually but as an identity, it affects my own body image and the frustration of not being able to fulfill my desires in this area is one of the things that is making me unhappy. But I don't know how to go about it or how they will react and if they react by suggesting it's something abnormal that I need to try to "cure" myself of, how should I respond?


Find a kink friendly therapist and you won't have to worry about them attempting to "cure" you. They exist and they're great. I may be a bit biased but everyone can benefit from therapy.
 

ODFFA

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Single confession: I was expecting this Christmas to be kind of miserable :blush: But it really wasn't. Despite some mortifying personal faux pas yesterday, I managed to be kind-ish to myself. Miraculously! And we had a very small family get-together, comprised of the people that have given me the most grief / caused me the most pain. But it was relaxing and pleasant. We hustled and bustled happily in the kitchen, we played Canasta for hours. We almost even . . . bonded.

Double confession: That scares me. My brain doesn't know what to do with this exception of a day. I look to the year ahead with a feeling of . . . almost dread. Maybe not as strong as that. But I think to myself, "What bullshit is 2018 going to be dolling out on a silver platter? How many drunken screaming matches, cutting criticisms, days of feeling suicidal, panic attacks? Dare I say it -- any seizures? Heart attacks? Other medical emergencies? Any explosive interventions? An ugly divorce?" And this day -- this astonishing inwardly and outwardly harmonious day... It's almost as if it taunts me.

I'm exceedingly grateful for it. I really, really needed it to be this kind of day. But my don't-get-used-to-it sirens are wailing in the background. Perhaps this time next year, I will have built something of a new life, a life of my own. And, just maybe, I'll know the universe to be a little kinder. God, do I dare to hope?
 

Dr. Feelgood

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God, do I dare to hope?
Hope is just fear with its makeup on; don't trust either one of them. Nobody knows what tomorrow will bring, let alone next year. My own experience is that the things I fear in the future never turn out as badly as my premonitions. So I try to stay focused on the present, because, no matter what happened in the past or may happen in the future, right now I'm all right. If I can stay focused on that, it helps me keep my balance. I'll be sending good thoughts your way, for whatever help that may be.
 

Marlayna

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Single confession: I was expecting this Christmas to be kind of miserable :blush: But it really wasn't. Despite some mortifying personal faux pas yesterday, I managed to be kind-ish to myself. Miraculously! And we had a very small family get-together, comprised of the people that have given me the most grief / caused me the most pain. But it was relaxing and pleasant. We hustled and bustled happily in the kitchen, we played Canasta for hours. We almost even . . . bonded.

Double confession: That scares me. My brain doesn't know what to do with this exception of a day. I look to the year ahead with a feeling of . . . almost dread. Maybe not as strong as that. But I think to myself, "What bullshit is 2018 going to be dolling out on a silver platter? How many drunken screaming matches, cutting criticisms, days of feeling suicidal, panic attacks? Dare I say it -- any seizures? Heart attacks? Other medical emergencies? Any explosive interventions? An ugly divorce?" And this day -- this astonishing inwardly and outwardly harmonious day... It's almost as if it taunts me.

I'm exceedingly grateful for it. I really, really needed it to be this kind of day. But my don't-get-used-to-it sirens are wailing in the background. Perhaps this time next year, I will have built something of a new life, a life of my own. And, just maybe, I'll know the universe to be a little kinder. God, do I dare to hope?
We're over-thinkers. If we don't allow ourselves to have hope, we can get very troubled.
 

Marlayna

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Aaaand sometimes I think what I really wanna do is just marry an FA and devote my life to becoming his majestically massive immobile gaining goddess and just lay in bed and eat 24/7. But I've never uttered anything like that to anyone in my real life cause they'd think I was nuts and idk maybe as a real life goal (not just a fantasy) it IS nuts. Btw, I feel like I should mention this whole fat admiration/feedism thing when I start seeing a therapist/counselor since its a big part of who I am not just sexually but as an identity, it affects my own body image and the frustration of not being able to fulfill my desires in this area is one of the things that is making me unhappy. But I don't know how to go about it or how they will react and if they react by suggesting it's something abnormal that I need to try to "cure" myself of, how should I respond?
Your loved ones want you to get help because being immobile isn't the great lifestyle it's cracked up to be.
You can fulfill your desires in less self-destructive ways, if you make your mind up to it. Be creative.
 

Marlayna

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Oh Loops, I so relate to this! I have cerebral palsy plus other assorted issues. I get social security but it's bare survival money, so I feel like when my mother isn't around to help me anymore (she's my only family and is 75 with health problems of her own, so this could happen soon) I'm gonna be miserable if I don't have some other income source, not even getting into the whole issue of how not working or having any marketable skills makes me feel utterly useless and incompetent as an adult human being. But at the same time I know employers are reluctant to hire disabled workers so getting work could be harder for me than for most ppl, plus there are practical considerations of what kind of work can I do that doesn't involve any physical activities and how will I even get to work (I can't drive and also can't transfer myself from my wheelchair to a car seat so just carpooling or Ubering wouldn't work unless someone in the car was strong enough to lift me).

I also have problems with stamina and energy, get tired way too easy, could just be a side effect of living with the mobility issues I've had all my life, but combined with other things like trouble getting motivated and feeling helpless and like everything is pointless, I suspect I'm depressed. Not sure if this is a normal reaction to crappy life circumstances or actual clinical depression but tbh I've felt this way since I was a kid, even in elementary school I felt like I'd never be good enough and didn't handle frustration well, tended to take things out on myself. Then around age 12 it was like all the joy got sucked out of me and my world went flat, my best friend at the time even asked me once why I wasn't any fun anymore. I guess growing up sucks for everyone but I felt so much worse after hitting puberty that for awhile I had this idea that maybe my hormones were making me miserable and I'd feel better if I had my ovaries removed or something, even though it's not a cycle thing but an everyday thing.

Its gotten progressively worse over the years, I told my parents I thought I was depressed when I was a kid and they always brushed it off, but now it's at a point where my mom told me yesterday she thinks I should "talk to someone". I'm planning to do that after the new year when my new insurance plan starts, assuming I can get transportation worked out (we have a medical transport thing here, I know a lady who uses it so I'll ask her about it). So anyway, sorry to be a bummer, seems like a lot of us are having a hard time rn and I love how everyone here is so supportive.
You're not a bummer, you're an intelligent woman who is sharing her pain. I hope things get better for you, and I hope you enjoy your therapy. A lot of us are going through hard times, in one way or another.
 

dwesterny

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IC someone from this website sent me an unsolicited picture of their meat tube today.
 

ODFFA

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I am sooooo ready for the day that I will browse for clothes and not be bombarded with crazily high-waisted bottoms / crop tops that look like they were designed by an infinitely bored modern architect / the baggiest shirts known to woman. C'mon 2018. I AM SOOOO READY :rolleyes:
 

lille

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My fiancé is is sick and so we're not doing anything for New Years. I'm more disappointed than I thought I would be. And then I feel bad because it's not his fault.
 

squeezablysoft

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Messages
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IC that I just jumped on the online dating wagon, skybluepink on match.com,
look me up! I'm gonna get more serious about trying to meet ppl thru my Feabie profile too but thought I best widen my net so to speak.
 

Tad

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The great white north, eh?
One of those afternoons where no matter how much work needs to be done, my mind is only interested in thinking about food or sex. Which is giving me a lovely, dreamy afternoon, but is going to make tomorrow suuuuuck!
 
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