altered states
señor member
In weeding through the Closet FAs thread, I wondered about the experience of the uncloseted in day-to-day life.
I'm somewhat out as an FA. "Somewhat" in that many people who know me well know the deal, and my policy is generally not to deny if the subject comes up. But I'm not the t-shirt-wearing/flag-waving type, in this and most circumstances). And if I'm in mixed social situations where the subject comes up, more often than not I keep my mouth shut about it. I've been outed in such situations, and the response is almost always positive (or at worst indifferent), but sometimes I'm not in the mood for the game of 20 Questions that can result, and the subsequent attention, nor to be defined by being an FA. Is this fair of me?
Confronting fat bashing head-on is one thing. I think opinion about this is pretty settled around here. But what if I'm with a group of guys and they're freaking out over some skinny whatever. Is it my duty to speak up, even if from then on I will be defined by that (and may be the topic of conversation for the rest of the night and forever)? Or if I'm in mixed company and the talk turns to dumb diet advice?
I have to mention that my long term partner isn't fat. Not thin, but not fat. The logical question is, well, why aren't I with a fat woman? Yet the reverse isn't true. I know a couple very well where the woman is fat and the man isn't an FA (trust me on this), and yet people don't question him about why he's with a fat woman if thin women are his "thing."
Ultimately, I feel my sexuality is private. Perhaps I'm kidding myself. Activist gays would argue that sexuality IS political, whether we like it or not. Every time I keep my mouth shut, I'm tacitly enabling intolerance, or at the very least, neglecting a chance to educate and enlighten. But does the trait of being an FA - one I don't mind, but didn't ask for - automatically come with such responsibility?
Being an FA can define you, and I find being defined sexually can be off-putting and weird. I'm not a prude, but I'm modest, and I have friends and colleagues who know I'm an FA who will occasionally tweak me, and sometimes I'll then regret they're aware of my preference. Mind you, this is mostly harmless stuff that is never really offensive or nasty. I do wonder if I'd get the same comments and such if I was gay, in the same context.
For instance, a colleague* (female) sent me a pic of a fat woman lying naked on a bed with an obviously morphed booty (one I didn't recognize, miraculously). She'd put in the email "Thought you'd appreciate this." In another recent situation, I was with a client (again female) and discussing a certain celebrity. "She's hot," the client said, and then quickly added, "Oh, no - you like fat women - I forgot."
Both situations were no big deal, and I didn't take offense at all. I believe it's just something amusing to these people, an odd/interesting trait I possess rather than a stigma. In a way, I'm proud of being different. In another way, I'd just as soon not be made fun of, for any reason. Much as I hate to admit it, it sometimes makes me want to close the closet door a few inches more.
* Not a coworker, just someone I work with frequently on a freelance basis. So sexual harassment issues don't apply, in case you're wondering.
I'm somewhat out as an FA. "Somewhat" in that many people who know me well know the deal, and my policy is generally not to deny if the subject comes up. But I'm not the t-shirt-wearing/flag-waving type, in this and most circumstances). And if I'm in mixed social situations where the subject comes up, more often than not I keep my mouth shut about it. I've been outed in such situations, and the response is almost always positive (or at worst indifferent), but sometimes I'm not in the mood for the game of 20 Questions that can result, and the subsequent attention, nor to be defined by being an FA. Is this fair of me?
Confronting fat bashing head-on is one thing. I think opinion about this is pretty settled around here. But what if I'm with a group of guys and they're freaking out over some skinny whatever. Is it my duty to speak up, even if from then on I will be defined by that (and may be the topic of conversation for the rest of the night and forever)? Or if I'm in mixed company and the talk turns to dumb diet advice?
I have to mention that my long term partner isn't fat. Not thin, but not fat. The logical question is, well, why aren't I with a fat woman? Yet the reverse isn't true. I know a couple very well where the woman is fat and the man isn't an FA (trust me on this), and yet people don't question him about why he's with a fat woman if thin women are his "thing."
Ultimately, I feel my sexuality is private. Perhaps I'm kidding myself. Activist gays would argue that sexuality IS political, whether we like it or not. Every time I keep my mouth shut, I'm tacitly enabling intolerance, or at the very least, neglecting a chance to educate and enlighten. But does the trait of being an FA - one I don't mind, but didn't ask for - automatically come with such responsibility?
Being an FA can define you, and I find being defined sexually can be off-putting and weird. I'm not a prude, but I'm modest, and I have friends and colleagues who know I'm an FA who will occasionally tweak me, and sometimes I'll then regret they're aware of my preference. Mind you, this is mostly harmless stuff that is never really offensive or nasty. I do wonder if I'd get the same comments and such if I was gay, in the same context.
For instance, a colleague* (female) sent me a pic of a fat woman lying naked on a bed with an obviously morphed booty (one I didn't recognize, miraculously). She'd put in the email "Thought you'd appreciate this." In another recent situation, I was with a client (again female) and discussing a certain celebrity. "She's hot," the client said, and then quickly added, "Oh, no - you like fat women - I forgot."
Both situations were no big deal, and I didn't take offense at all. I believe it's just something amusing to these people, an odd/interesting trait I possess rather than a stigma. In a way, I'm proud of being different. In another way, I'd just as soon not be made fun of, for any reason. Much as I hate to admit it, it sometimes makes me want to close the closet door a few inches more.
* Not a coworker, just someone I work with frequently on a freelance basis. So sexual harassment issues don't apply, in case you're wondering.
