Boyfriend is loosing weight, I feel less attracted to him :(

Dimensions Magazine

Help Support Dimensions Magazine:

happily_married

Happy to be part of Dims!
Joined
Jul 14, 2012
Messages
1,656
Location
,
From experience I know its really hard to stay in shape when you're dating a fat girl. It's unlikely that a fat girl is going to be down with eating the way needed to stay in top shape. Its also unlikely she'll want to participate in a very active lifestyle.
It's never been a problem for me. In fact it's a great source of motivation. I love the contrast. For the bulk of our almost 11 years of marriage my wife has been north of 300 pounds and right now is at least twice what I weigh. At her highest she outweighed me by 200 pounds: the difference in our weights was more than I even weighed! And through all that I've never found it hard to stay in shape. I don't doubt your experiences are legitimate, but they're definitely not universal. I'm just one example.
 

socrates74

Well-Known Member
Joined
Dec 6, 2015
Messages
198
Location
Dims only (Silly rabbit, FB is for girls), Male .
Couples tend to adopt their same habits. Attraction is attraction. She likes what she likes. The contrast-FA's relationship paradox. Your partner most likely will have habits that will clash with yours. You won't be contrast over time without skills and effort. I knew the job was dangerous when I took it.....
To make a long story short. I thought it funny to ask partner modification advice-by-weight-loss on a Fat appercation vBulletin board. It is best in maybe a fitness one. The opposite: weight gain. There enough kinksters with amble advice, but they are not living your life/relationship.
 

socrates74

Well-Known Member
Joined
Dec 6, 2015
Messages
198
Location
Dims only (Silly rabbit, FB is for girls), Male .
It's never been a problem for me. .... I don't doubt your experiences are legitimate, but they're definitely not universal. I'm just one example.
Granted. Short of some sci-fi fantasy : cloning yourself, reprogramming him, or transplanting brains. Besides checking in (representing yourself/ your relationship). How are you helping her? Her man has to want to change. Your relationship: you.
 

Fat Molly

hufflepuff hobbit
Joined
Aug 3, 2010
Messages
374
Location
, female by default
So I guess needless to say is that he's probably gained at least 30-40? lbs in the last 4 yrs and most of it probably in the last year. The worst this is he plays with his "gutt" & he jiggles it all the time, in front of me which is a total turn off :( He's made comments that he's going to get back in shape, blah, blah, blah... but hasn't done anything abt it...not even a beginning attempt.
+1 to agouderia's response, though somewhat more muted - I feel like the biggest component of the thin-body FA community is thin (and, separately, often gay/bi) men who are trying to gain weight. If your partner is playing with his gut and jiggling it all the time, chances are he enjoys being larger. Just as he probably enjoys *you* being larger. It seems like he might be enjoying himself, and possibly enjoying your weight loss emphasis on a dark unconscious level - like perhaps he gorges while you're at work in response. I probably would if I were him.

That doesn't mean you have to accept him at his current size, if it's seriously dampening your attraction to him. But one of the things that I personally find sexy is appreciation of what my partners find sexy (within reason) and encouraging them to get turned on, in whatever way makes the most sense.

If there's a way you could potentially play around with your brain in that respect, and see if there's any benefits to his increased poundage that *do* turn you on... well, that would be one solution. For example, if he's sexually more energetic or emphatic than he has been in the past, that might be worth observing.

(for what its worth, I raise my hand to be part of the FFA rescue team)
 

ChickletsBBW

Mostly a Voyeur :)
Joined
Oct 2, 2005
Messages
775
Location
Shelly Austin,
This surprises you? You told him you find his body a turn off. What did you expect?

I have some advice for him. Leave as quickly as possible.
No bigmac...I've never said directly to him that i find his body a turn off. If you read my post, i said that when i met him, he knew what my preference was we both talked about body preferences plus he also knows Ive dated guys much bigger than him and i never said i was turned off by their bodies.

I also said that I love him and I still want sex with him so duh..yeah still want to be with him...I'm just trying to figure out how to love his extra chubs.
 

happily_married

Happy to be part of Dims!
Joined
Jul 14, 2012
Messages
1,656
Location
,
Granted. Short of some sci-fi fantasy : cloning yourself, reprogramming him, or transplanting brains. Besides checking in (representing yourself/ your relationship). How are you helping her? Her man has to want to change. Your relationship: you.
I was replying to Big_Mac. He shared his experience, I shared mine. That's how a conversation works.;)
 

TwoSwords

Well-Known Member
Joined
Jan 7, 2017
Messages
629
Location
, Male
So I adore my boyfriend, he's one of the sweetest men you'll ever meet and he treats me with such respect and understanding.
The only issue is I have a somewhat hidden fat fettish, he's a larger guy so I've never had any issues getting aroused, all I had to do was look at him or touch his stomach and I'm there ^^'
But lately he's started going to the gym and is clearly loosing weight, mostly due to pressure from his family. I think he's enjoying it and feeling better for it which makes me happy for him because I love him and want what's best for his happiness. The only problem is I'm slowly loosing interest in sex and just don't find his body appealing as it gets smaller :(
I'm feeling so conflicted :(
I'm going to agree with a lot of other people who say; confess the truth to him, and see if the two of you can work something out by putting your heads together. There may be other alternative solutions.

I will definitely say that I've definitely had a lot of situations where a person's open dislike of fatness has hurt my ability to relate to them. I rarely feel comfortable around thin people in general, no matter how well I know them, or know long I've known them for, and it does present me with some challenges to overcome, but I just have to keep a cool head and try to face them maturely and patiently.
 

happily_married

Happy to be part of Dims!
Joined
Jul 14, 2012
Messages
1,656
Location
,
I will definitely say that I've definitely had a lot of situations where a person's open dislike of fatness has hurt my ability to relate to them. I rarely feel comfortable around thin people in general, no matter how well I know them, or know long I've known them for, and it does present me with some challenges to overcome, but I just have to keep a cool head and try to face them maturely and patiently.
I've noticed you've said this a few times now on various threads. I am curious, why do you think this is? I realize we all have different experiences but from what I've been able to discern a great person and colossal douche rocket alike can come in any and all body types. In other words, personality types are independent of body types. What is it about thin people that makes you uneasy?
 

TwoSwords

Well-Known Member
Joined
Jan 7, 2017
Messages
629
Location
, Male
I've noticed you've said this a few times now on various threads. I am curious, why do you think this is? I realize we all have different experiences but from what I've been able to discern a great person and colossal douche rocket alike can come in any and all body types. In other words, personality types are independent of body types. What is it about thin people that makes you uneasy?
Ooh, boy. I hope this is what you really wanted to hear, even though I'm afraid I may not be the best at phrasing it succinctly. I'm going to be honest with you about my life.

To start with, it's an emotion, and I have evidence to indicate I've had this emotion in some form since I was 4, but my life experiences have done nothing to improve matters.

I've never been one of the popular kids, and I've never wanted to be one. I liked books, games and deep questions, and the other kids rarely wanted to spend time with me. Reaching out was unfruitful, and usually lead to one-sided friendships at best, all the way through high school, and admittedly, some of those were with fat kids too, but not many. Maybe part of it was the scarcity of legitimately fat people in my area of the world. Maybe I idealized what I already liked, because I hadn't been given as much experiential evidence that I should expect the worst from them. Even in fiction, depictions of fatness were rare, and had to be plucked from the mass that surrounded them like four-leaf clovers.

High School, though, only made things worse, as I had my first real crush, which didn't work for many reasons, and my first strong experience of feeling independent, like, for the first time, I understood enough to judge the worth of the various fictions of the world. Ever since then, I've seen the suppression of fatness in fiction and the media as something of an oppressive force in my life; like some kind of concentrated effort to oppose me. Even when I started to understand how economics worked, years later, and that this might not always be the case, I still felt the thick atmosphere of that hostility towards my aesthetics on a very strong emotional level.

The mounting series of little disappointments, year after year of seeing new presentations, stories, meeting new people, etc, and feeling disheartened in all but seven or eight cases (only three of which mattered for more than a few seconds,) gradually produced a sort of Pavlov's dogs effect, leading me to, in some cases, emotionally anticipate disappointment, every time I see this trait I can't appreciate, no matter what. It took me a while to get comfortable with the idea of something as normal as regular exercise or proper nutrition, because they were so strongly associated with that negative image.

At one point, I noticed that even when my BBW department manager was being demanding or getting on my case, despite my best efforts, I couldn't actually feel angry with her, and at the time, I thought that it was because I found her pretty, but now I realize it was more like a feeling of relief; that the time I spent talking to her wasn't laced with the negative connotations I'd come to expect from other kinds of human interactions. These days, I'm pretty good at hiding my feelings, and I've just got a positive employee review, where I was told my cheery attitude pleases people, but frankly, a lot of it is because I feel more at home in the office than in my real home, even though the work is frustrating, chaotic and unrelenting, the atmosphere is somewhat frigid and the environment a bit lonely. It's still a relieving atmosphere and a comforting place overall, because of all the people, men and women, who I don't get that negative vibe from.

Of course, there are still times when someone mentions a desire to lose weight, which often makes me want to curl up and sob for half an hour, but life is all about getting on with it, and sometimes, you just have to endure stuff like that. Still, there's times when the feeling do get pretty strong, and it's rough not having an outlet for them, which is why I eventually came here. I make no attempt to defend these feelings on rational grounds, because they're not an extension of my life philosophy. Instead, all I can do is observe that these are the feelings I have, and maybe think about how things got to this point out of curiosity.

Again, I hope that was really what you wanted to know, and I didn't just bore your head off with my life story.
 

happily_married

Happy to be part of Dims!
Joined
Jul 14, 2012
Messages
1,656
Location
,
Again, I hope that was really what you wanted to know, and I didn't just bore your head off with my life story.
No, really, it's quite all right. I asked a question and you gave me an answer. It does seem to me you're basing personality traits off of physical traits, though. As I mentioned, I've met good and bad alike in just about every body type imaginable. I'll abstain from suggesting you re-evaluate how you think, but I will say it seems a bit unfair. And members within the fat or size acceptance community have cried fowl when it is done to them.

Just a thought.
 

TwoSwords

Well-Known Member
Joined
Jan 7, 2017
Messages
629
Location
, Male
It does seem to me you're basing personality traits off of physical traits, though.
Well, in what sense? I don't see the connection between personality traits and what I said. Would you please elaborate?

P.S.: After a few seconds, a possibility occurred to me. I don't want to put words in your mouth, but are you suggesting that I might be equating the oppressive atmosphere I feel with an actual inward quality of prejudice in others? If not, that's fine, but I'm trying to understand what you're referring to.
 

happily_married

Happy to be part of Dims!
Joined
Jul 14, 2012
Messages
1,656
Location
,
Well, in what sense? I don't see the connection between personality traits and what I said. Would you please elaborate?

P.S.: After a few seconds, a possibility occurred to me. I don't want to put words in your mouth, but are you suggesting that I might be equating the oppressive atmosphere I feel with an actual inward quality of prejudice in others? If not, that's fine, but I'm trying to understand what you're referring to.
I'm suggesting you have a preconceived idea of what to expect from thin people and your being uncomfortable around them stems from confirmation bias. That is, regardless of their intent, anything and everything they do will serve as justification in your mind for your continued uneasiness around thin people.

I don't know you, but based on what you've contributed here so far I'd be willing to bet if an overweight person slights you, you'd rationalize it. Meanwhile if a thin person showed you kindness you'd be suspicious. That you associate the personality as a product of body type, and have decided you don't like or trust thin people, regardless of their personality, because they are thin.
 

lucca23v2

Curves for miles
Joined
Jan 19, 2014
Messages
2,015
Location
,
From experience I know its really hard to stay in shape when you're dating a fat girl. It's unlikely that a fat girl is going to be down with eating the way needed to stay in top shape. Its also unlikely she'll want to participate in a very active lifestyle.
I don't know about this. I have had relationships with men who are in shape, some body builders. When in those relationships, I eat what they eat. That being said, if I wanted junk food, I went out and ate all the junk food I wanted. I just wouldn't do it in front of them so that it didn't derail them. Shit, I can't even tell you how much time I use to spend in gyms lazily walking on a treadmill or just sitting on the floor in front of them while they worked out. It I a matter of respecting one another enough to want to derail the other.

It is very possible for two people on the opposite ends of the scale (ha ha) to live their lives with each other and not derail each other.

To the OP I say, if he wants to lose the weight, let him. You may not find his body as attractive, but find other things about him that get your mojo going.
 

lucca23v2

Curves for miles
Joined
Jan 19, 2014
Messages
2,015
Location
,
Twoswords... wow.. paranoid much? Thin people are not out to get you. Not all thin people are bad, not all fat people are jolly (ha ha) People are people and they come in good, bad and indifferent. even that has it's scale. I might find a person toxic for me, but for someone else they are great. It is about finding out what personalities work best with yours. If you are going to limit people because of their physical attributes, you are going to live a lonely life. (or become Hitleresque)
 

TwoSwords

Well-Known Member
Joined
Jan 7, 2017
Messages
629
Location
, Male
I'm suggesting you have a preconceived idea of what to expect from thin people and your being uncomfortable around them stems from confirmation bias. That is, regardless of their intent, anything and everything they do will serve as justification in your mind for your continued uneasiness around thin people.

I don't know you, but based on what you've contributed here so far I'd be willing to bet if an overweight person slights you, you'd rationalize it. Meanwhile if a thin person showed you kindness you'd be suspicious. That you associate the personality as a product of body type, and have decided you don't like or trust thin people, regardless of their personality, because they are thin.
I actually don't much mind being slighted. There are more important things than how I feel.

The closest thing to this that I can sympathize with would be that I have other feelings aside from feeling hurt, when I perceive that something bad is done by a fat person, and that, by itself, hostility towards fatness causes me to feel hurt, no matter who expresses it or in what context. However, I'm not about to assume this has any relevance to someone's personality, in part because personality is largely window-dressing to me. I've had a close relative go through an injury that lead to a massive personality change, and what this means is that personality can be changed, and changed easily. The bigger issue, and the one to which you've alluded, is ethics, and while a person may have ethical problems if they demonstrate hostility towards a quality that is not ethical in nature, that's not guaranteed to be the case either.

For the record, I think you're reading a lot of things into what I said, and assuming certain things about me that are untrue. I've said this before, and I'll say it again; my discomforts are purely emotional. No reasoning went into creating them, and no amount of reasoning can dispel them. Believe me, I studied for years in the attempt to do that. It's useless.
 

TwoSwords

Well-Known Member
Joined
Jan 7, 2017
Messages
629
Location
, Male
Twoswords... wow.. paranoid much? Thin people are not out to get you. Not all thin people are bad, not all fat people are jolly (ha ha) People are people and they come in good, bad and indifferent. even that has it's scale. I might find a person toxic for me, but for someone else they are great. It is about finding out what personalities work best with yours. If you are going to limit people because of their physical attributes, you are going to live a lonely life. (or become Hitleresque)
In my mind, I'm well aware of all of this, and have been for decades, but nothing has ever been able to alter how I feel. Not therapy, not life experiences, and not studying philosophy. I've been able to make peace with being stuck with unhelpful feelings through my philosophical studies, but I don't really believe people can change how they feel by willing it so.

Or are you able to cease being sad, or angry, or anxious on command?

The highlighted section points out the real issue, I think. I don't honestly think that an emotional reaction to a person's personality is any different or more justified than an emotional reaction to a person's appearance. Both are emotions arising from aesthetic preferences. It's just that one is more apparent to the senses than the other is.
 

lucca23v2

Curves for miles
Joined
Jan 19, 2014
Messages
2,015
Location
,
In my mind, I'm well aware of all of this, and have been for decades, but nothing has ever been able to alter how I feel. Not therapy, not life experiences, and not studying philosophy. I've been able to make peace with being stuck with unhelpful feelings through my philosophical studies, but I don't really believe people can change how they feel by willing it so.

Or are you able to cease being sad, or angry, or anxious on command?

The highlighted section points out the real issue, I think. I don't honestly think that an emotional reaction to a person's personality is any different or more justified than an emotional reaction to a person's appearance. Both are emotions arising from aesthetic preferences. It's just that one is more apparent to the senses than the other is.
A persona physical appearance is really not going to effect me one way or the other. A toxic person can have a very bad effect on me emotionally, physically, mentally, etc. Two very different things.


Sent from my SM-N920P using Tapatalk
 

TwoSwords

Well-Known Member
Joined
Jan 7, 2017
Messages
629
Location
, Male
A persona physical appearance is really not going to effect me one way or the other. A toxic person can have a very bad effect on me emotionally, physically, mentally, etc. Two very different things.


Sent from my SM-N920P using Tapatalk
You're lucky then. The emotional reactions which you're stuck with are popularly-accepted. Mine, clearly, are not. Aside from this, I still see no difference.

P.S.: Unless by "toxic person who has a bad effect on you physically" you mean someone who commits acts of physical violence against you. That's in another league, because physical injury isn't an emotional reaction.
 
2

Latest posts

Top