Is this Verbal Abuse?

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Raqui

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Being a SSBBW in a relationship going down the tubes I have serious thoughts and questions that I want some views on.

Many people think of abuse as a hit or punch. Though many times words hurt you much more than anything else. If i wasn't a strong woman with a lot of confidence words like the ones my Fiance (truthfully I don't know what we are anymore) said might have destroyed me. When I think about a woman who is not like myself hearing words such as these I realize it could break the very foundation of there feelings about themselves. Under no condition should someone be verbally abused and his words spoken to me ring true with Verbal Abuse.

I am asking the thoughts of others because I want a clearer picture on weather others see this as verbal abuse also.

During an argument we were speaking about going out. I would like to spend time with him and feel as though we are a couple. We may live together but quality time together is very rare almost non-existent. He talks about all the things he wants to do and how I don't fit into his picture or i cant do them also. I think compromise would be the answer and i tell him If you let me know when you want to go do something I cant do with you, then i can make arrangements to go with my friends to do something and if i needed you to you can drop me off and pick me up or one or the other depending on if i need a ride at all. Of course giving me cab money would also work.

So he tells me "I can go and get on the train and go where ever i want when i want, It is not my fault that you cant do the same thing.

Another time we discussed the same thing and he told me "I can go and travel around easy and you cant, You cant do what I do, Don't be mad because you cant, That is not my problem and it is not my fault.


Mind you I love being who I am and I have never had a problem with the fact that I cant run up the 45 degree hill by my house and get on the train. That is why I bought the truck I have because together we were suppose to travel and have fun and do thing. I somehow got thrown out of that situation.

It basically comes down the line and I tell him why are you here?
You don't tell me you love me
You don't hug me
You don't kiss me
You don't show me any affection
You don't talk to me
These are things people normally do in a relationship but when i ask you to do any of the above I get an attitude. You put on a good show in front of others but when we are alone it is totally different.

To me it seems like you want to control me. You don't want to let me know about anything you want to do because then i would make plans also. Seems like he rather me be stuck at home while he goes out to do what he wants to do.

The finally blow that made me really made me see that this could be verbal abuse was his statement that make me really feel hurt.

Things have gotten so bad that i told him Maybe i should just go away for a while. The horrible face and attitude were enough but the words he spoke not only hurt but surprised me. I never thought he would say such words.

Where do you think you could go?

I have options I said, There are many people who have asked me to visit them. I have places i can go.

Who is going to want you around, he yelled. No one is going to accommodate you. No one is going to do for you. No one is going to want you around them. You cant just get up and go anywhere you want when you want.

It reminds me of the husband who beats his wife.
No one wants you, etc.

Some people may say he meant it in a different way. He was talking about your size etc. That just makes it worse in my eyes. How are you going to pick me as a SSBBW woman and yet complain when i don't do things the same as others I find a way to do what i want in a comfortable way for me.

I will never forget when he complained about the way i cleaned the bathroom because i sit on the toilet to scrub the tub and floor. I guess cleaning up everyone's shit, piss and body dirt only counts if your standing up or on your knees on the floor. The point was it got clean.

Mind you he hasn't cleaned the bathroom in this house ever.

To me it seems like whatever I do is never good enough because I am not doing it in a way he wasn't to see done. If i sit down and prepare a meal in a comfortable way for myself. It is not good enough because I wasn't standing in front of the stove. I basically stopped cooking because I got tired of not being appreciated.

If i need to take a rest, sit down and relax etc. It becomes a big issue because he doesn't need a rest. He even had a fit because I used a scooter at vegas bash. I thought he would be happy because I was able to go just as fast and faster than him. He put me down because of it. Even though my knees were hurting me because of an injury. Still using a scooter with out an injury isn't a crime. But I wasn't good enough because i used a scooter.

There are many more things said about me through the years but these are the few that really made me realize that verbal abuse has been a part of my life for a while and I didn't even see it or know it at first. The subtle ways and words used to break a person down.

I really want some opinions on this.


Raqui
 

JoyJoy

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Raqui,

I think you've answered the question for yourself. This man does not appreciate you, want what's best for you, or understand your needs. He talks down to you, insults you and bottom line is, he's not good for you to have around. DO NOT marry this man. If he's like this now, think about what spending the rest of your life with him would be like. Is that what you want? 20-30+ more years of what you describe? Don't waste your time. Being alone would be better than being with him. You can do better. You're a strong, beautiful, confident woman and the man who deserves you would treat you like a queen.

I know the idea of moving on is scary, but there are always other options. Don't let him beat you down.
 

Clariposita22

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Girl, what's up?
First of all, he doesn't have to put his hands on you to be abuse..... I doubt he would try that cuz a slap from a big girl, will leave a dent.... trust me, i know... i have left a few dents in my days...... :D:D:D:D:D:D:D
The way this sounds to me is that he is misserable and he is trying to bring you down. He is speaking out of anger and saying stuff he may not necessarely mean, but, unfortunately for him, those things will stay in your mind and push you away from him even more. You are a strong woman and you are not breaking easily but regardless of how strong you are, it does affect you. do you know why he says stuff like that? i wonder if he is going throught something where he feels he is a failure and is trying to blame it on you or maybe make you feel as bad as he does.......
do you think he just doesn't want to be in the relationship anymore? why can't you put him out? Keep your head up!!!!!!!! This too shall passsssss
 

Ruby Ripples

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You are in an abusive relationship. He is verbally/mentally abusive towards you,and that is torture. As you say, it can be much more scarring than physical abuse and I'm very glad that you are the strong person that you are, and can see it for exactly what it is. You also pointed out that it is a gradual process, and I know it can be so gradual a build up that you end up being used to such treatment, until it gets to the stage that the person is being rude and negative to you almost all of the time.

You know that such a relationship isn't going anywhere - his comments about the bathroom cleaning are just so typical of that kind of person... trying to drag you down by pointing out your "differences" even when you're clearly doing a good job of things.

I wouldn't even allow the "excuse" of him being unhappy or going through something that makes him feel a failure.... he is a grown man, and that behaviour is unacceptable, however he feels.

I'm sorry that you are going through this Raqui and I trust that you will do the right thing for you, and your life.

Very best of luck to you in what you decide.
 

bexy

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This is hideous behaviour and yes it is abuse. Verbal and emotional.

Take those options you mentioned, and get out. You are a strong woman and if it were any of us in this position you would tell us to GO! Don't prove him right by staying put. Show him you have friends, people who love you and places to go and leave. He has no right to treat you this way.

Read this thread http://www.dimensionsmagazine.com/forums/showthread.php?t=40247

Anyone who dates a SSBBW should know what they need and require and give it to them. If they don't, then they are ignorant. This is not love, it is control and it needs to stop.
 

Redhotphatgirl

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Girl it is verbal abuse and you are better than that. We been on line aquaintances for years you and I and let me tell you straight up. If you were coming to see me, my ass would accomodate you. Thats what respect is about thats why dave and I buy sturdy big furniture and use my kitchen chairs on my lanai when the outside furniture does not work for my bigger friends. Thats why we check resturants for no arm chairs.

I sit down to do dishes and to cook I sit down to clean the tub and I clean the bathroom floor on my tummy. I do have to get down there to do it but you do what you got to do how ever you got to do it.

You are gorgeous and a beautiful person inside you deserve all the affection in the world. I really hate this for you. red
 

Tad

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First, I'm so sorry that you are in this situation.

Second: What everyone else has already said.

It is not the words alone so much as the attitude. It seems to say that he wants you to be trapped and dependent on him and him alone, and that then he can treat you however he wants. I don't know if he is so insecure that it is the only way he thinks he can be safe, or if he needs such ridiculous levels of control to feel secure, or if he simply has a real mean streak. But whatever his reason, his behavior is totally unacceptable.

With love you want to see your loved one thrive, but it seems he would rather treat you like a mushroom--keep you in the dark and throw crap at you. I can't imagine you taking up the existence of a mushroom.

I'm a big believer in that old saying "If you love something, let it free." He's trying to keep you caged by the sounds of it. That might be a lot of things, but to me it is not love, and it is not decent treatment of another human being.
 

Sandie S-R

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This man sounds very abusive. It sounds (by what he is saying) that he resents you and your size. When a man loves you or cares about you, he just doesn't speak to you this way. I think you are right about him wanting to control you and your situation, and there is nothing kind or loving about being controlled. His words to you are mean spirited, unkind, rude and inconsiderate. That is not how someone treats someone they love or care for.

I'm truly sorry you are in this situation, and suggest that you get some counseling or help to remove yourself from this. I know it is hurtful when someone you care for and have put your trust in is hurtful to you. Please be sure to take care of yourself.
 

SilkyAngela

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Raqui you are such a giving and loving person, I'm so sorry you find yourself in this situation.

The more he makes himself sound like your savior and the only one who will accomodate you, the more he justifies to himself that treating you this way or worse is ok and in the meantime he's programming you to expect less and less from him on an emotional level by pointing out how unworthy you are. :mad: This is classic verbal/mental abuse and it seems to me you are being "groomed" for further abuse.

You know in your heart you deserve to be loved and appreciated for all you are. Don't settle for anything less, Raqui.
 

crosseyedhamster

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At first it sounded like he was just being an asshole, but the line about "no one would take you in" clinched it.

That is what somebody says when they want to isolate you and make you feel like you don't have anyone else. My grandparents were in an abusive relationship and it did not end well and he tried to make her feel like he was the only person that could love her or care about her.

He is trying to break away your self-confidence and try to make you feel like you're not good enough so that you develop an attachment to him out of fear. I'd say don't stand for it another day. I don't fully know your situation but you've got to get out of it. This is what the guy who beats his wife starts out as. He's just setting the stage now for you to eventually think "he hit me, but I don't have anywhere else to go" and it begins with chipping away at your self-worth. You need to get out of it.

And have a few names ready in your head if he asks again who will help you, to show him what he's messing with.
 

Ruffie

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I will tell you the same thing that I tell the kids I work with. What is your GUT telling you? Your head and heart will often steer you wrong but your gut never does, because that is your instinct, your survival mechanisms. By the sounds of your post, you already know what you want to do and how you feel. Just need to be ready to do it. And that my dear will come. Stay strong and be you!
Ruth
 

stan_der_man

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I agree with the others here Raqui. This guy definitely sounds like someone who isn't going to be supportive of you and obviously doesn't appreciate you. Being a FA and being a partner with a BBW / SSBBW has it's benefits and disadvantages, this guy doesn't sound like he is willing to accept the responsibilities that come with being a FA. In the long run it won't be a good situation, you certainly don't owe this guy anything. You sound like a wonderful person Raqui, you deserve to be treated with respect.
 

dragorat

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Plain & simple it IS abuse.How sure are you that when he goes out with his "friends",he's not hooking up with another woman.The only reason he's still with you & treating you as he does is to NOT come home to an empty house.He doesn't truly understand what a wonder,loving,strong woman you are.If he says he's an FA he's lying.He's making a bigger fool of himself than of you.You know you have friends.You know you are better than what he says.Kick his ass to the curb & get on with your life.Find a man who truly appreciates you for you Not just outside but in as well.
 

sugar and spice

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Raqui, I agree with what everyone else has already said. You are a very beautiful person inside and out and you should NOT put up with this treatment from him anymore. I do think it's abuse and he doesn't deserve you, you can do so much better. I know change is painful and hard sometimes but I have always said I would rather be alone than be with someone who is going to treat me like crap and make me feel bad about myself. You have always impressed me as a proud, beautiful, intelligent, fellow super sized sister and I know you will have the strength to do what is best for your mental health and self esteem and find someone else who will love, respect and appreciate you and not settle for anything less.Big hugs of support,Fran
 

jewels_mystery

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My sister. It's time to close that book on him. He does not deserve you. I agree with dragorat about your boyfriend not being a true FA. Any significant other (regardless of size) should be willing to compromise for their other half. Not throw up your limitations in your face. Sounds like he is trying to play head games. First by making you feel isolated and then by trying (failing thankfully) to crush your self esteem. There is no intimacy or affection in the relationship, he has go to go!!!
 

Ernest Nagel

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It's hardly ever black and white. Nobody likes giving up on a relationship that once worked. As I recall you've shared good things about your relationship in the past? When the handwriting's on the wall you can't just keep hanging old pictures in front of it though.

You clearly already know what you want and need to do, Raqui. In spite of whatever complications and difficulties it may create in the near term this guy is eating into your future. Don't postpone the inevitable any longer than you have to. Show him you're more than capable of getting along without his inexcusable attitude and remarks. Good luck and please keep us posted. :bow:
 

jabl

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This is verbal and psychological abuse. PERIOD.

This kind of small minded guys have always, sooner or later the strong need to put down others to feel good themselves.

I was victim twice of 2 different people I was dating. One of them used to tell me "you are the most sexy girl on the Planet, I love the way you dress" I was busy doing a TV show here in my country and since he didn´t like it all of the sudden "I was dressing like a whore" according to him and so many other things I will not bring here for respect of everysingle person here. Everything way abusive, rude, sexist and nasty you can ever imagine!

Raqui, I love you as my older sister, you know that. You has given to much to this world, your family, your daughter and community. You are a wonderful woman who deserve five times respect and love. Remember you teach me that?

I don't wanna see you in pain because of a loser and small ass mind.

You deserve something better, for God sakes YOU ARE RAQUI !!!!!!!

I´m here and I´ll be here for you anytime you wanna talk, or cry.

I love you muñequita.
 

washburn

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Dear Raqui,

I have heard some of your Eradio podcasts and forum discussions, your words are a light and a beacon to women and men in the size acceptance movement. You have my empathy on your situation and my intent that you will find peace and resolution is bein sent out to ya over these quantum radiowaves that make up our collective mind. YES! YES, YES, YES, You are in a destructive, deconstructive relationship. I know because I have come out of one that mirrors yours. Your post struck me to the bone. You need to leave, you are a strong woman and have a network that can help you. The universe always provides as long as you take action and show true gratitiude. Right now you are being controlled, as I was. you are being ignored, as I was, and you are being unloved as I was as well. My relationship blew up due to emotional tug of war. It wasn't the right way to do it and it could have ended better but there are no mistakes in life, just lessons. (YEAH DALAI LAMA!!) My only advise to you is this. Make a plan, which should be easy cause he doesn't listen to you and you are ignored. Pack what is of value, sacrifice what is unnecassary, which should be easy cause you are left alone, and on the day you decide to take action and step into what the universe will provide for you, get in the cab and go, if you fear of him becoming violent, leave a dear john letter and alert the authorities of your situation. I know this will be hard, even for the strong it is hard, but you will diminish if you don't get out. I only hope the best for you and hope you make the decision that is right for you and you alone.

The Rose, by A Perfect Circle
Don't disturb the Beast,
The tempermental Goat,
The Snail,
while he's feeding on the Rose
Stay frozen, compromise
What I will I am

Bend around the wind
Silently thrown about again
I'm treading so soft and lightly
Compromising my will
I am

I am, I will
So no longer will I
Lay down, play dead
Play your doe
In the headlights locked down
And terrified
Your deer in the headlights
Shut down and horrified when
Push comes to pull comes to shove
Comes to step around this
Self-destructive dance
That never would've ended 'til
I rose,
I roared aloud here
I will, I am

I am, I will
So no longer will I
Lay down, play dead,
Play this
Kneel down
Gun-shy martyr, pitiful
I rose, I roared
I will, I am

I can tell you this too. There are happy endings, If I had not experienced what I had I would never, ever have found my true love, my angel, my everything. Never live with regrets, cause everything will fit in its right place, have faith and I am sure a lot of people here are with you in spirit right now.
 

Fascinita

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Raqui,

I'm sorry to hear this is going on in your life.

Yes, I think it amounts to abuse.

Walk away. From your description, it sounds like you're getting the short end of the stick in this relationship. Walk away. Drop it on him. Watch him squirm. Have a laugh. Or just walk away and never look back.

No one should have to put up with stuff like you describe. Let alone someone as creative and intelligent as you are. Say, "See ya!" Better days are around the corner, I promise.

Best of luck.
 

LJ Rock

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To me it seems like you want to control me.
My opinion: I think you hit the nail on the head right here, Raqui. Guys like that aren't interested in having a loving relationship with someone as much as they feel they need to have control over someone in order to feel like they have control over their own unhappy lives. They think that the only way they can keep a woman in their life is by putting her down and making her feel like she is nothing without him, when in fact it is HE who would be nothing without HER; they try to make HER feel like she needs him to survive, when in fact it is HE who needs HER so desperately.

I read a quote many years ago, and it always amazes me how many times in life I find it to be applicable. Roughly paraphrased: "Immature love says 'I love you because I need you.' Real love says 'I need you because I love you.'"

So if the only reason someone tells you they "love you" is because they are afraid of being alone, or for whatever reason they just feel like they need you in their life, they are not really loving you wholly and completely and ultimately it is you who will be made to suffer. They are unable to truly give you the love that you need and deserve because they have not yet been able to find that love within themselves. So they resort to whatever means in order to keep that false sense of love and security, including being abusive (most likely because they have been abused or neglected themselves at some point in their development.) No matter how old we get, so many of us it seems are still emotionally and developmentally immature.

When you are truly able to love and be loved, you are not only interested in fulfilling your own emotional needs but fulfilling those of your partner as well. Real love isn't about controlling, its about giving of yourself.

No one deserves that kind of treatment, Raqui; no one wants to be controlled or made to feel like they are unappreciated or worthless. I don't know you personally, Raqui but I have read enough of your posts and listened to your radio program enough to know that you are a beautiful, intelligent, caring woman and that any man would be lucky to have someone like you in their life. Deep down I am sure your man knows this and realizes how lucky he is to have you. But it doesn't matter, because clearly you can NOT go on living that way. He needs to make some serious changes in his life, not only about they way he chooses to treat the people who care about him, but I suspect also in the way that he feels about himself and views the world around him. You can't make those changes for him, it's work he needs to do for himself.... it's a long soul-searching journey.

It's unfortunate and I hate to say it.... but it might just take loosing you to make him realize that indeed a change needs to be made.
 
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