First off, I want to make this clear, I'm not doing this to get people to beg me not to leave. I'm writing this to pose serious questions that has a lot of complexities. For all intents and purposes, I'm not giving up on the Size Acceptance movement, but I want answers as a person who's belief in it has been severely shaken.
This is not a good-bye thread. I don't believe in them.
With all of that said...
Lately, my heart just hasn't been in it. Lately, I've just been thinking to myself if there are more meaningful causes I can be devoting my time to. I mean, everything I think and believe always seems to be contrary to people who I consider peers thinks. Am I just defective or what?
This frustration turns into anger, but what am I mad at? I don't know. So I have this seething and festering sense of frustration and anger at this thing that I put my heart into. It's killing me. i literally feel like my heart is being ripped out of my body by people I respect(ed). It's a deep sense of betrayal not just at Dimensions, but at the movement itself.
I say that because I've begun to question my own motives. It's no secret I'm a supporter of the Adult Oriented side of the movement. I like being involved in that aspect of it because it's something I'm comfortable with and i have made many good friends there. Some of those people I would consider best friends. So, because I'm so heavily ensconced in that aspect of the world of size, does it make what I feel any less valid. If that's not it, why do I feel that way?
I want to understand what I'm feeling as this isn't the first time this has happened, but this is the first time that I felt as though that it's all not worth it anymore. I contribute a lot to many people. Not as much as some of you, I'm sure, but I do what I can.
I'm not jumping ship on them because they respect my process of belief and I in turn, respect them. But they are not the world. Dimensions is my window into a world outside of the circle I run in and what I see breaks my heart because what I believe seems to be so incredibly wrong by some people that it just has to be stuffed up my ass and snapped off.
My feelings and opinions didn't just happen over night. It's taken YEARS. Some of my feelings are older than some of our younger contributors. This fact alone just makes me feel old, but it tells me that I've had a long time to think about these things as well.
So, if my opinions are wrong, (which is what I believe is the crux of the problem with me) Who's opinions are the right ones? Why have I missed this piece of enlightenment? Am I doing something wrong? All I ever wanted was to do something to help out in something I believed in and cared about. Now I just feel like the more I say, the less valid my opinions are. I don't know what else to do and that is really messing me up.
this isn't just about me, this is for anyone who has felt what I'm feeling. I know I'm not the only one that feels this way. I can't be. So, if anyone feels this same way, I wrote this on your behalf as well because I think we all need some guidance. For a long time, I thought I knew what I was doing was right, but recently that feeling has just gone away from me.
This is not a good-bye thread. I don't believe in them.
With all of that said...
Lately, my heart just hasn't been in it. Lately, I've just been thinking to myself if there are more meaningful causes I can be devoting my time to. I mean, everything I think and believe always seems to be contrary to people who I consider peers thinks. Am I just defective or what?
This frustration turns into anger, but what am I mad at? I don't know. So I have this seething and festering sense of frustration and anger at this thing that I put my heart into. It's killing me. i literally feel like my heart is being ripped out of my body by people I respect(ed). It's a deep sense of betrayal not just at Dimensions, but at the movement itself.
I say that because I've begun to question my own motives. It's no secret I'm a supporter of the Adult Oriented side of the movement. I like being involved in that aspect of it because it's something I'm comfortable with and i have made many good friends there. Some of those people I would consider best friends. So, because I'm so heavily ensconced in that aspect of the world of size, does it make what I feel any less valid. If that's not it, why do I feel that way?
I want to understand what I'm feeling as this isn't the first time this has happened, but this is the first time that I felt as though that it's all not worth it anymore. I contribute a lot to many people. Not as much as some of you, I'm sure, but I do what I can.
I'm not jumping ship on them because they respect my process of belief and I in turn, respect them. But they are not the world. Dimensions is my window into a world outside of the circle I run in and what I see breaks my heart because what I believe seems to be so incredibly wrong by some people that it just has to be stuffed up my ass and snapped off.
My feelings and opinions didn't just happen over night. It's taken YEARS. Some of my feelings are older than some of our younger contributors. This fact alone just makes me feel old, but it tells me that I've had a long time to think about these things as well.
So, if my opinions are wrong, (which is what I believe is the crux of the problem with me) Who's opinions are the right ones? Why have I missed this piece of enlightenment? Am I doing something wrong? All I ever wanted was to do something to help out in something I believed in and cared about. Now I just feel like the more I say, the less valid my opinions are. I don't know what else to do and that is really messing me up.
this isn't just about me, this is for anyone who has felt what I'm feeling. I know I'm not the only one that feels this way. I can't be. So, if anyone feels this same way, I wrote this on your behalf as well because I think we all need some guidance. For a long time, I thought I knew what I was doing was right, but recently that feeling has just gone away from me.
