I am choosing to post this here instead of the main boards because this is where my lovely Dims friends are.
As some of you know, I will be going home to visit family soon. I don't exactly have fond memories of that place, or the people for so many reasons. One of them is size and intolerance of anything that is not the norm.
People are obsessed about thinness where I am from. I may be considered small here, but I am much bigger than almost all of my female friends back home (feel free to request pictures if you are skeptical) and that affected me deeply. I ended up developing anorexia nervosa as a young girl (of course the pressure is not the only, or even the primary cause) and though I have been healthy for years now (though my natural weight of 90-100lbs is still low to most non-Asians), the distorted body image never really went away. In the 3 years I have lived in the UK, I have gained some perspective and a little more self-love, but conflicting messages still bother me a great deal.
People on the streets here in London have told me that I look disgustingly thin and even shoved sandwiches in my face. My past partners who were fat also made it clear that they enjoyed much bigger women, barely tolerated my bony frame and tried to guilt me into gaining. Even my current partner, who is more understanding than the rest and asexual still expressed an aesthetic preference (when probed) for curves that I lack. Being "too thin" makes me extremely insecure and uncomfortable, so I ended up forcing myself to maintain a higher weight and wearing clothes that hid my size. Not the smartest move, but it sort of worked. The old dread about being "too fat" sinks in when I meet my Asian friends, bump into acquaintances, during the weekly phone calls with my parents and occasionally relatives. It was confusing, but not too destructive as it can be quickly neutralized with little reminders that I am "too thin" here, if that makes sense.
Now, I have to go back to feeling "too fat" for almost a month and the thought is starting to freak me out. Just to give you an idea of how bad home conditions were during my "hefty" >90lb days, I was constantly put down by everyone - teachers, coaches, parents, extended family. They used to deny me food and allowance (because 9 year old me supposedly sneaks out of school to stuff my face with evil McDonalds) too and though they can't do that anymore, they are still likely to scrutinize and loudly comment on what I eat. School wasn't much better - think fat camp, everyday, in front of everyone and constant pressure about being dropped from sports unless I lost a great deal of weight, no matter how fit I was. It was a frequent topic of conversation and it made me extremely uncomfortable and self-loathing.
Most of these people are not malicious, just terribly ignorant. If every other East Asian girl my height naturally weighs 80lbs or less (if this is shocking remember that our BMI cut-off is 23 and we have much smaller frames with lighter bones), why shouldn't I too? It doesn't help that weight and food talk permeates our culture. Asking someone if they have eaten is our version of "how are you". When you meet someone you haven't seen in a while, it is the norm to comment and even focus on their weight gain or loss. I have gained 30lbs since I last saw everyone 3 years ago so people will comment, negatively and more likely than not, it will end up making me depressed.
I am bringing my partner with me and we are staying with my family. He is outraged by how they treated me and can't dismiss it as "just a cultural difference". My parents are extremely traditional and already disapprove of him just because he is Caucasian (they did say, rather a poor White boy than a he-she or a woman or literally translated, a fat pig as they called my ex - everything sounds so insulting in Mandarin), and arguing over the dinner table will just be extremely unpleasant. He is the most patient and mild person I know, but having to hold his tongue while my parents pick my body apart is not going to be easy. It doesn't help that I am more than likely to take my frustration out on him because his preference for curves and fear of me getting "sick again" was why I gained so much weight to begin with.
I wrote about my sister recently too. She is 13, 125lbs and is currently going through hell for daring to have a weight in the triple digits. I am worried about her, she seems to be meekly taking it all in with the whole "parents know best" attitude and constantly writing about diets. The family has modified their eating habits until she shows "noticeable improvement" and from what I know, she gets bullied everywhere. I wish I could scream at them and tell them not to ruin another life, but I won't get anywhere with that - I have tried. I don't know how to undo their destructive messages either. It makes me so helpless, angry and sad. I managed to get away, but I don't think she will be as lucky.
I am just so frustrated lately and don't know what to do, short of dropping 10lbs (which will make me "chubby") to cushion the blow a little. Oh well.
Thanks for reading all of that. Advice or just virtual hugs are appreciated.
As some of you know, I will be going home to visit family soon. I don't exactly have fond memories of that place, or the people for so many reasons. One of them is size and intolerance of anything that is not the norm.
People are obsessed about thinness where I am from. I may be considered small here, but I am much bigger than almost all of my female friends back home (feel free to request pictures if you are skeptical) and that affected me deeply. I ended up developing anorexia nervosa as a young girl (of course the pressure is not the only, or even the primary cause) and though I have been healthy for years now (though my natural weight of 90-100lbs is still low to most non-Asians), the distorted body image never really went away. In the 3 years I have lived in the UK, I have gained some perspective and a little more self-love, but conflicting messages still bother me a great deal.
People on the streets here in London have told me that I look disgustingly thin and even shoved sandwiches in my face. My past partners who were fat also made it clear that they enjoyed much bigger women, barely tolerated my bony frame and tried to guilt me into gaining. Even my current partner, who is more understanding than the rest and asexual still expressed an aesthetic preference (when probed) for curves that I lack. Being "too thin" makes me extremely insecure and uncomfortable, so I ended up forcing myself to maintain a higher weight and wearing clothes that hid my size. Not the smartest move, but it sort of worked. The old dread about being "too fat" sinks in when I meet my Asian friends, bump into acquaintances, during the weekly phone calls with my parents and occasionally relatives. It was confusing, but not too destructive as it can be quickly neutralized with little reminders that I am "too thin" here, if that makes sense.
Now, I have to go back to feeling "too fat" for almost a month and the thought is starting to freak me out. Just to give you an idea of how bad home conditions were during my "hefty" >90lb days, I was constantly put down by everyone - teachers, coaches, parents, extended family. They used to deny me food and allowance (because 9 year old me supposedly sneaks out of school to stuff my face with evil McDonalds) too and though they can't do that anymore, they are still likely to scrutinize and loudly comment on what I eat. School wasn't much better - think fat camp, everyday, in front of everyone and constant pressure about being dropped from sports unless I lost a great deal of weight, no matter how fit I was. It was a frequent topic of conversation and it made me extremely uncomfortable and self-loathing.
Most of these people are not malicious, just terribly ignorant. If every other East Asian girl my height naturally weighs 80lbs or less (if this is shocking remember that our BMI cut-off is 23 and we have much smaller frames with lighter bones), why shouldn't I too? It doesn't help that weight and food talk permeates our culture. Asking someone if they have eaten is our version of "how are you". When you meet someone you haven't seen in a while, it is the norm to comment and even focus on their weight gain or loss. I have gained 30lbs since I last saw everyone 3 years ago so people will comment, negatively and more likely than not, it will end up making me depressed.
I am bringing my partner with me and we are staying with my family. He is outraged by how they treated me and can't dismiss it as "just a cultural difference". My parents are extremely traditional and already disapprove of him just because he is Caucasian (they did say, rather a poor White boy than a he-she or a woman or literally translated, a fat pig as they called my ex - everything sounds so insulting in Mandarin), and arguing over the dinner table will just be extremely unpleasant. He is the most patient and mild person I know, but having to hold his tongue while my parents pick my body apart is not going to be easy. It doesn't help that I am more than likely to take my frustration out on him because his preference for curves and fear of me getting "sick again" was why I gained so much weight to begin with.
I wrote about my sister recently too. She is 13, 125lbs and is currently going through hell for daring to have a weight in the triple digits. I am worried about her, she seems to be meekly taking it all in with the whole "parents know best" attitude and constantly writing about diets. The family has modified their eating habits until she shows "noticeable improvement" and from what I know, she gets bullied everywhere. I wish I could scream at them and tell them not to ruin another life, but I won't get anywhere with that - I have tried. I don't know how to undo their destructive messages either. It makes me so helpless, angry and sad. I managed to get away, but I don't think she will be as lucky.
I am just so frustrated lately and don't know what to do, short of dropping 10lbs (which will make me "chubby") to cushion the blow a little. Oh well.
Thanks for reading all of that. Advice or just virtual hugs are appreciated.
