I'd like to share something with everyone here. I have been lurking here for a few years before actually signing up and posting and introducing myself. For that I'm sorry, but I needed to hide inside of myself until I was ready to speak. Many things have happened over those years and this community helped me more than you will ever realize. I don't know how to thank you. The best I can do right now is share with you these snippets from my public LiveJournal entry a few weeks ago. (It was VERY long and this IS the shorter version.) It's a little angry in tone, meant towards the "general public" (and privately, towards some people in my life) but you'll see what I mean:
I am, technically, overweight.
Whats your first reaction to that? Do you gasp and assume its wrong, or Ive miscalculated? Do you want to console me and tell me its okay, and tell me that Im beautiful anyway? Are you so surprised because Ive just always been naturally thin? Do you want to reassure me that, certainly, I can lose that weight again? Do you feel that by saying this publicly, I am putting myself down?
YOU ARE A PART OF THE PROBLEM. And so was I. Not because we are/were being judgemental, but because that negativity is being kept alive and well by keeping this attitude. Its what we were taught. Its time to get rid of it.
Im overweight. But... I never said it was a bad thing. As a matter of fact, its one of the best things that ever could have happened to me.
So... why such a negative response? Oh oh wait, I got it, because overweight means FAT. Fat means lazy, gluttonous, selfish, sloppy, and a multitude of other horrible human traits automatically attached to the word FAT.
Who gets to judge what being fat really is?
Lets start with the infamous BMI.
... For people who are considered obese (BMI greater than or equal to 30) or those who are overweight (BMI of 25 to 29.9) and have two or more risk factors, the guidelines recommend weight loss. Yes! Be aware of your HEALTH and if you are in jeopardy take measures to reduce those risks. The BMI is a guideline. Unfortunately it is a guideline that some of us have taken far too seriously.
I for one, studied the BMI, memorized it, and tried to beat it by staying underweight. I succeeded for a very long time. It wasnt a problem when I was a young athlete. I ate well, I worked out every day, I slept well and I remember eating normally. Once the working out stopped and Fibro set in, something happened. I was 16, angry, depressed, and very insecure. I stopped eating. I was congratulated for losing weight, little did they know. That was not the last time I stopped eating. The problem resurfaced from time to time when I was depressed or feeling like a failure. When I recognized the danger signs I got help. I even let myself enter the bottom range of normal weight thinking I was doing well. Id repeat to myself, Just because you HAVE fat, doesnt mean you ARE fat. It was a step in overcoming death by Anorexia, but I was still thin, and still winning. I even started to believe that I was just naturally thin.
I am not.
(Further description and links about Anorexia...) Sometimes eating disorders are painfully obvious. One percent of teenage girls in the U.S. develop anorexia nervosa and up to 10% of those may die as a result. (From aforementioned website.) I was watching the TV show Intervention last week and saw a girl passing out, being sick, and experiencing the swirl of brain-hell that I remember feeling. I wanted to cry and get her out of there. I was thankful at the end when the show said shes been doing okay since her treatment.
Awareness is spreading, thankfully, and more people are speaking out against it. I recently posted about designer Giorgio Armani who has blamed the media for the fashion industry's obsession with ultra-thin women. Madrid banned models that are too thin: http://news.yahoo.com/s/afp/20060908/od_afp/afplifestylefashion_060908143012 and http://www.cbc.ca/story/world/national/2006/09/16/fashion.html and http://news.yahoo.com/s/afp/afplifestylefashion If these women are honest to god naturally thin and healthy, let them work, but hire larger women to work alongside them equally. Do a test, check their blood sugar, even if they must have their caloric intake monitored for their safety, do it. But let all healthy women be seen as beautiful models.
I was making notes this weekend, jotting down points for this post as fast as I could when we pulled up in Toronto to find a billboard with a beautiful woman: http://www.addition-elle.com/ae.cfm Make a statement. Come on media, you can do it, turn the corner just a little bit more. Armani is concerned, Lionel Ritchie is concerned about his daughter Nicole, and I know that some of you reading this might have someone you are concerned about. Or, I should be concerned about some of you?
People were concerned about me. They were very worried at one point when I lost about 40lbs in three months. We dont see the changes day to day, but it screams at a friend or family member who hasnt seen you in a while. Sometimes we look back when were in a better place and compare pictures. I have, and Ive cried and been shocked.
http://ca.geocities.com/[email protected]/bodybaby1.htm I know in some of the pictures from that time I thought I was fat, needed to lose more weight, and didnt eat. I could barely hold myself up. And now, for the first time in my life, I am overweight.
...
Accepting yourself is one of the hardest things to do.
This is not just a female issue. I dont throw stones often, but Im willing to bet its just a stones throw away and Id find a man (younger or older) with body and self-acceptance issues. I have seen teenage boys take steroids. I have watched guys call themselves ugly and unlovable because they were too small, too big, not muscular enough, not tanned enough, or they didnt have six pack abs. I know men who put themselves down because they have a tummy, and Ive watched men cry as they told me how ugly and worthless they are because of their gut, ass, arms, legs, height, etc...
We have to break free from this obsession over what is considered ideal. NOW. Right f***ing now. Somehow, we have to correct yesterday while were at it, too.
We have a friend (J) with a two year old little girl. She is one of the cutest little girls youve ever seen, and shes tall for her age as well. J has been a friend of ours for twenty years, and when she came to visit, she told us about something horrible that happened. J was visiting with her parents so they could spend time with their granddaughter. This little girl likes to spin and twirl to show how pretty she is, its adorable. Grandfather made a point of lifting her shirt to point out her FAT BELLY. Shes f***ing two years old!! TWO! J told me her little girl looked up at her all confused and watched mommy to see if it was true. J scolded her father for saying such a thing, and reassured her daughter that she had a very beautiful belly, and that her body was just perfect...
Last week, I opened my closet. I knew that there was a pile of clothes that would no longer fit me. Some of them were literally from high school, some of them looked like they could have been. Did I think I was always going to look like a high school girl? Did I think I was SUPPOSED to always look like a high school girl? Is that why I was getting upset when people told me I was cute and compared me to a little kid? I tried them on, the pants, the skirts, and the old tops. A first reaction when clothes dont fit is shame, like weve done something wrong, or that we have failed. For each pair of pants I tried on I reminded myself, they dont have to fit. I dont have to be that small, and Im not supposed to be that small. I put them in a bag for the Goodwill. I kept a few things that were borderline and gave the rest of the smaller clothes away.
I removed a skeleton from my closet.
It was hard. Very, very hard. Throw out the old rules, dont let the clothes judge you. Dont judge yourself. Accept yourself. Let yourself change. For the love of god, go shopping. I never though Id say that in a million years but I finally get it now. Go shopping. Allow yourself to transform, bigger or smaller, without being so damn hard on yourself. We go through phases in our lives, and we need to keep accepting ourselves. Look at yourself in the mirror today and accept it today. Make plans to be healthier if that will make you happier, but allow yourself to like what you see today. Respect yourself. Dress your body in a way that will make you look good, wear clothes that will make you stand tall and proud because you are the ideal the ideal for you today. You might get even better tomorrow but... You are perfect today.
Be sassy, feel sexy. Respect your body, enjoy it, treat it well. If people think less of you or treat you badly because of your size, big or small, remember this perspective of their negativity. They still have this horrible correlation embedded in their brains, and hopefully they too will stop and accept themselves, and maybe even let go of this so called ideal weve been taught to want.
I am so angry that I spent so many years of being afraid, not allowing myself to relax and let my body do what came naturally in a healthy lifestyle. What was I so afraid of? That people wouldnt love me anymore? That I would be worth less than before? Why did I suffer for So. Many. Years. Im so angry, so f***ing pissed that I went through all of that s**t. I am furious that people are still going through that, and crying themselves to sleep, or dying. I cant scream out enough for it to stop. I have now crossed that line that I would never allow myself to cross before...
I am 54, 150lbs and according to the BMI, I am OVERweight. Ive never been happier! Im excited. Im so happy you see, because Im free now. I have officially overcome Anorexia. I broke out of the shackles and I have done the one thing that I was most afraid of, it was evil, bad, sinful, unheard of and not an option. And Im okay. Ive never been better health-wise in years, and Ive never been this happy with myself. There is a part of me that is worried, if anything so horrible ever happened where I became terribly depressed, I worry that I might grab hold of my old coping mechanism and for that I am furious as well. I have gone through it all and came out on the other slightly chubbier end.
I WIN!!
...
We can all use some better terms to describe ourselves that are not put-downs: soft, fluffy, buxom, BBW (big beautiful woman) or BHM (big/beautiful heavy man), plump, grabbable, curvy, round, chunky, delicious, squishy, pudgier, fleshy, rubenesque, full-figured, and my favourite, chubby.
Theres something else we can do to work towards acceptance you know... Point out or send pictures of people that are beautiful at different sizes. Ive already shown you the Addition ELLE billboard (which was the first page) and following website. As Im pointing at it, Im not asking you IF you think shes beautiful, Im telling you she is. Im not giving you a chance to say what you think I want to hear, or what you think you should say as a socially acceptable response. Im telling you. She is beautiful. That is how I feel, and that is what Im passing on as an absolute truth.
I have another picture I want to show you taken by Dave Hogg. Heart of Many Colours: http://www.flickr.com/photos/davehogg/73341721/in/set-1588033/
This is one of the most beautiful pictures Ive seen.
Take care of yourself. Accept yourself. Love yourself. I know thats one of the hardest things to do in the whole world. Keep trying. Never stop trying.
Its your body, baby.
(The model that started it all: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/pages/live/articles/news/news.html?in_article_id=406316&in_page_id=1770
ALSO! thank you to Ron for supplying me with this link about Gautier using a plus sized model!!!
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/pages/li...70&ico=Homepage&icl=TabModule&icc=picbox&ct=5
Times are a changin'...)
Thank you again, DIM. For courage, acceptance, open-mindedness, and your everlasting sexiness.
I am, technically, overweight.
Whats your first reaction to that? Do you gasp and assume its wrong, or Ive miscalculated? Do you want to console me and tell me its okay, and tell me that Im beautiful anyway? Are you so surprised because Ive just always been naturally thin? Do you want to reassure me that, certainly, I can lose that weight again? Do you feel that by saying this publicly, I am putting myself down?
YOU ARE A PART OF THE PROBLEM. And so was I. Not because we are/were being judgemental, but because that negativity is being kept alive and well by keeping this attitude. Its what we were taught. Its time to get rid of it.
Im overweight. But... I never said it was a bad thing. As a matter of fact, its one of the best things that ever could have happened to me.
So... why such a negative response? Oh oh wait, I got it, because overweight means FAT. Fat means lazy, gluttonous, selfish, sloppy, and a multitude of other horrible human traits automatically attached to the word FAT.
Who gets to judge what being fat really is?
Lets start with the infamous BMI.
... For people who are considered obese (BMI greater than or equal to 30) or those who are overweight (BMI of 25 to 29.9) and have two or more risk factors, the guidelines recommend weight loss. Yes! Be aware of your HEALTH and if you are in jeopardy take measures to reduce those risks. The BMI is a guideline. Unfortunately it is a guideline that some of us have taken far too seriously.
I for one, studied the BMI, memorized it, and tried to beat it by staying underweight. I succeeded for a very long time. It wasnt a problem when I was a young athlete. I ate well, I worked out every day, I slept well and I remember eating normally. Once the working out stopped and Fibro set in, something happened. I was 16, angry, depressed, and very insecure. I stopped eating. I was congratulated for losing weight, little did they know. That was not the last time I stopped eating. The problem resurfaced from time to time when I was depressed or feeling like a failure. When I recognized the danger signs I got help. I even let myself enter the bottom range of normal weight thinking I was doing well. Id repeat to myself, Just because you HAVE fat, doesnt mean you ARE fat. It was a step in overcoming death by Anorexia, but I was still thin, and still winning. I even started to believe that I was just naturally thin.
I am not.
(Further description and links about Anorexia...) Sometimes eating disorders are painfully obvious. One percent of teenage girls in the U.S. develop anorexia nervosa and up to 10% of those may die as a result. (From aforementioned website.) I was watching the TV show Intervention last week and saw a girl passing out, being sick, and experiencing the swirl of brain-hell that I remember feeling. I wanted to cry and get her out of there. I was thankful at the end when the show said shes been doing okay since her treatment.
Awareness is spreading, thankfully, and more people are speaking out against it. I recently posted about designer Giorgio Armani who has blamed the media for the fashion industry's obsession with ultra-thin women. Madrid banned models that are too thin: http://news.yahoo.com/s/afp/20060908/od_afp/afplifestylefashion_060908143012 and http://www.cbc.ca/story/world/national/2006/09/16/fashion.html and http://news.yahoo.com/s/afp/afplifestylefashion If these women are honest to god naturally thin and healthy, let them work, but hire larger women to work alongside them equally. Do a test, check their blood sugar, even if they must have their caloric intake monitored for their safety, do it. But let all healthy women be seen as beautiful models.
I was making notes this weekend, jotting down points for this post as fast as I could when we pulled up in Toronto to find a billboard with a beautiful woman: http://www.addition-elle.com/ae.cfm Make a statement. Come on media, you can do it, turn the corner just a little bit more. Armani is concerned, Lionel Ritchie is concerned about his daughter Nicole, and I know that some of you reading this might have someone you are concerned about. Or, I should be concerned about some of you?
People were concerned about me. They were very worried at one point when I lost about 40lbs in three months. We dont see the changes day to day, but it screams at a friend or family member who hasnt seen you in a while. Sometimes we look back when were in a better place and compare pictures. I have, and Ive cried and been shocked.
http://ca.geocities.com/[email protected]/bodybaby1.htm I know in some of the pictures from that time I thought I was fat, needed to lose more weight, and didnt eat. I could barely hold myself up. And now, for the first time in my life, I am overweight.
...
Accepting yourself is one of the hardest things to do.
This is not just a female issue. I dont throw stones often, but Im willing to bet its just a stones throw away and Id find a man (younger or older) with body and self-acceptance issues. I have seen teenage boys take steroids. I have watched guys call themselves ugly and unlovable because they were too small, too big, not muscular enough, not tanned enough, or they didnt have six pack abs. I know men who put themselves down because they have a tummy, and Ive watched men cry as they told me how ugly and worthless they are because of their gut, ass, arms, legs, height, etc...
We have to break free from this obsession over what is considered ideal. NOW. Right f***ing now. Somehow, we have to correct yesterday while were at it, too.
We have a friend (J) with a two year old little girl. She is one of the cutest little girls youve ever seen, and shes tall for her age as well. J has been a friend of ours for twenty years, and when she came to visit, she told us about something horrible that happened. J was visiting with her parents so they could spend time with their granddaughter. This little girl likes to spin and twirl to show how pretty she is, its adorable. Grandfather made a point of lifting her shirt to point out her FAT BELLY. Shes f***ing two years old!! TWO! J told me her little girl looked up at her all confused and watched mommy to see if it was true. J scolded her father for saying such a thing, and reassured her daughter that she had a very beautiful belly, and that her body was just perfect...
Last week, I opened my closet. I knew that there was a pile of clothes that would no longer fit me. Some of them were literally from high school, some of them looked like they could have been. Did I think I was always going to look like a high school girl? Did I think I was SUPPOSED to always look like a high school girl? Is that why I was getting upset when people told me I was cute and compared me to a little kid? I tried them on, the pants, the skirts, and the old tops. A first reaction when clothes dont fit is shame, like weve done something wrong, or that we have failed. For each pair of pants I tried on I reminded myself, they dont have to fit. I dont have to be that small, and Im not supposed to be that small. I put them in a bag for the Goodwill. I kept a few things that were borderline and gave the rest of the smaller clothes away.
I removed a skeleton from my closet.
It was hard. Very, very hard. Throw out the old rules, dont let the clothes judge you. Dont judge yourself. Accept yourself. Let yourself change. For the love of god, go shopping. I never though Id say that in a million years but I finally get it now. Go shopping. Allow yourself to transform, bigger or smaller, without being so damn hard on yourself. We go through phases in our lives, and we need to keep accepting ourselves. Look at yourself in the mirror today and accept it today. Make plans to be healthier if that will make you happier, but allow yourself to like what you see today. Respect yourself. Dress your body in a way that will make you look good, wear clothes that will make you stand tall and proud because you are the ideal the ideal for you today. You might get even better tomorrow but... You are perfect today.
Be sassy, feel sexy. Respect your body, enjoy it, treat it well. If people think less of you or treat you badly because of your size, big or small, remember this perspective of their negativity. They still have this horrible correlation embedded in their brains, and hopefully they too will stop and accept themselves, and maybe even let go of this so called ideal weve been taught to want.
I am so angry that I spent so many years of being afraid, not allowing myself to relax and let my body do what came naturally in a healthy lifestyle. What was I so afraid of? That people wouldnt love me anymore? That I would be worth less than before? Why did I suffer for So. Many. Years. Im so angry, so f***ing pissed that I went through all of that s**t. I am furious that people are still going through that, and crying themselves to sleep, or dying. I cant scream out enough for it to stop. I have now crossed that line that I would never allow myself to cross before...
I am 54, 150lbs and according to the BMI, I am OVERweight. Ive never been happier! Im excited. Im so happy you see, because Im free now. I have officially overcome Anorexia. I broke out of the shackles and I have done the one thing that I was most afraid of, it was evil, bad, sinful, unheard of and not an option. And Im okay. Ive never been better health-wise in years, and Ive never been this happy with myself. There is a part of me that is worried, if anything so horrible ever happened where I became terribly depressed, I worry that I might grab hold of my old coping mechanism and for that I am furious as well. I have gone through it all and came out on the other slightly chubbier end.
I WIN!!
...
We can all use some better terms to describe ourselves that are not put-downs: soft, fluffy, buxom, BBW (big beautiful woman) or BHM (big/beautiful heavy man), plump, grabbable, curvy, round, chunky, delicious, squishy, pudgier, fleshy, rubenesque, full-figured, and my favourite, chubby.
Theres something else we can do to work towards acceptance you know... Point out or send pictures of people that are beautiful at different sizes. Ive already shown you the Addition ELLE billboard (which was the first page) and following website. As Im pointing at it, Im not asking you IF you think shes beautiful, Im telling you she is. Im not giving you a chance to say what you think I want to hear, or what you think you should say as a socially acceptable response. Im telling you. She is beautiful. That is how I feel, and that is what Im passing on as an absolute truth.
I have another picture I want to show you taken by Dave Hogg. Heart of Many Colours: http://www.flickr.com/photos/davehogg/73341721/in/set-1588033/
This is one of the most beautiful pictures Ive seen.
Take care of yourself. Accept yourself. Love yourself. I know thats one of the hardest things to do in the whole world. Keep trying. Never stop trying.
Its your body, baby.
(The model that started it all: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/pages/live/articles/news/news.html?in_article_id=406316&in_page_id=1770
ALSO! thank you to Ron for supplying me with this link about Gautier using a plus sized model!!!
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/pages/li...70&ico=Homepage&icl=TabModule&icc=picbox&ct=5
Times are a changin'...)
Thank you again, DIM. For courage, acceptance, open-mindedness, and your everlasting sexiness.
