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The "Friend Zone"

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superodalisque

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See now, you are making a decision for her by saying this. You are saying that she wouldn't make sacrifices to be with you, and that she doesn't have and couldn't make enough income that, when living with a person who owns a house, could make things better for both of you.

I do get, from what you've posted elsewhere, that you prefer very clear statements of what a woman wants. But look at it from the other perspective--for someone to state clearly what they want, if they don't know the answer, is a huge risk. To then get turned down hurts a lot more than never really asking. And you should understand that, as it sounds like this is exactly what you are doing with her.

Now, obviously you know her and I don't, so odds are good that you have perfectly valid reasons for reasoning as you have....but maybe you should also consider that by demanding that she be the one to make clear statements and by assuming what she is and isn't willing to do, there is a possibility that you are cutting off a lot of possibilities.
what Tad said :)
 

Grizzlybear

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Wow, this thread has gotten much larger than I expected when I first started it.

So here's my conclusion: I'll be 33 at the end of this month, and I've stopped actively looking for a partner. I can be friends with whomever I choose, and that's good enough for me for now. Should a woman show an interest, I'm not against exploring the opportunity, but I'm not going to look for love for now. I've got too much on my plate as it is. Now, if you'll kindly excuse me Ladies and Gentlemen...
 

BarterGal

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I'll keep the thread alive lol.

I am 44 now, and decided against the friend zone moving ahead. I have had years of disappointment from many guys that I thought were getting out of friend zone, to actually go the opposite, "the no friend at all zone" because they got married to ladies who didn't like me even as a friend.

Right now, I'm completely free of any male friends and like it! I only date and dump. Kinda mean, but I don't have a lot of time to waste here.
 

superodalisque

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Wow, this thread has gotten much larger than I expected when I first started it.

So here's my conclusion: I'll be 33 at the end of this month, and I've stopped actively looking for a partner. I can be friends with whomever I choose, and that's good enough for me for now. Should a woman show an interest, I'm not against exploring the opportunity, but I'm not going to look for love for now. I've got too much on my plate as it is. Now, if you'll kindly excuse me Ladies and Gentlemen...
IMO it's probably best not to look for love anyway. the best things just seem to happen.
 

sophie lou

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It must feel awful to have put someone you have feelings for in the Friend Zone. Even more so when it is for someone else who turns out not to be what you thought they were. But worst of all when you try and bring them back to being more than just friends and they don't want to know anymore. I think sometimes we can trample on peoples feelings without actually knowing what we are doing. Sometimes when people say Yeah its fine maybe they just don't want to hurt the other person by saying well no actually it's ripping out my heart.

Some people enter our lives for the long journey and others just pass through but the ones that are special you need to grab hold of and make the most of every moment you can
 

SerenityValkyrie

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For 23 years, the "friend zone" thing has never crossed my mind. The reason why is probably because I was a tomboy growing up and I wasn't the type of girl who hovered over some guy to like or even love me. If I had a crush on a guy, I tell him and if he replies no than move on. I use to know a guy who once told me, "Women have the advantage, doesn't matter what you look like." Which I believe to an extent. It's inevitable that everyone has preferences, it's the fact of life. It's rare for someone to put it aside and try something new, but it's already in their mindset that they would rather be with someone who fits into their category. Although that doesn't mean you should give up on those type of people.

As of now when it comes to dating, I give all types of men a chance to date me. However, I will only do that if they verbally say that they're into me. I don't like beating around the bush type of guys, if you like someone tell them because you may never know. If they reject you it's ok, that means you have a higher chance of finding someone better. Don't let the "friend zone" affect you, be yourself and if women/men don't see you for who you are that's their loss.
 

reuben6380

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I feel allot of people really over-think matters of the heart, ultimately leading to its undoing. Its been my experience that people that are hard to please will never be pleased and if your waiting for people to please you...your doing it wrong.
 

snuggletiger

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Lately I find I have this great ability to date, cause the woman to disappear, then reappear like a boomerang, to where they reapproach asking questions like "hows your health been in 2 years since I last saw you?" which makes me wonder if Im in a dead pool or there's a lot of wishful thinking I could suffer from bad fortunes. But so far Im solid at friend making, horrible at partner making
 
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bigmac

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I feel allot of people really over-think matters of the heart, ultimately leading to its undoing. Its been my experience that people that are hard to please will never be pleased and if your waiting for people to please you...your doing it wrong.

Yes, I believe you're right about that. When I was lots younger I solved this problem by hanging out at heavy metal and punk clubs. These places were so loud you couldn't actually talk so you never got bogged down in those god awful where is this relationship going talks.
 

Ho Ho Tai

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I meant to post to this thread some time ago Recently, I found myself writing this story to a friend and am copying it verbatim here.


Years ago, even before I met Mrs Ho Ho, a new (but highly placed) secretary, meeting me for the first time, said to my (at that time) hippy-ish face "You look rather sad. Is there anything I can do?" From this inauspicious beginning, our friendship flourished. We both had issues in our lives and let down our hair regularly. When major tragedies struck, we were the first to call each other.

Over time (not that much time) we both realized that our friendship could easily turn into an affair. We were both married; both marriages needed improvement, but neither of us cared to risk what we had for the fun of a one-night-stand. We knew that we would not leave our current spouses to be with each other. We talked it all over one day - a long and rather anguished conversation - and decided that our friendship was more important to us than anything we could achieve without it. So we put each other, and ourselves, into that 'Just Friends' category.

What a monumental decision that was! I think it is well that we have to make such decisions without the full weight of future history on our shoulders!

Years later, I left the company (kicked out for my leftist position) and eventually found a job in Massachusetts (long story here). My then-wife (now my ex-wife) declined to join me, or even to take the first steps to prepare for the re-integration of our family. (She was quite happy to receive my monthly checks though.) This went on for about a year, when my old friend decided to pay me a visit. We were both still married so she decided to bring what was, in effect, a chaperone. She asked around and (the future Mrs Ho Ho) , my old workmate and friend, decided to come too.

I wasn't prepared for that. I had written much in my journalling that I wanted to share with my friend. I had a friendly, but circumspect, relationship with (FMHH). But what could I do? I couldn't tell (FMHH) to put her fingers in her ears or retreat to the bedroom, so she stayed and got the full dose of my angst. (Later, she told me that this was the thing that made me into a whole person, not just the friend and workmate she had known before.)

They stayed for nearly a week. After they left I mulled over all the conversation we had, all the hugs we had shared, and convinced myself that I was falling in love with (FMHH). How horrible! She was 20 years my junior and we had worked together as well, so there was a sort-of incest taboo hanging over us. I knew that she expected to return and I couldn't have her walking into a welter of unresolved emotion where she was expecting only to find friendship. I resolved to call her by the end of the week and tell her what was going on with me - and to stay away. Run fast, little girl!

On the night I had resolved to call her, I found a letter in my mailbox - from her! It was a long handwritten letter, starting out sort of bread-and-butteriish but soon turning to her own feelings about that trip and that week and it turned out they were pretty similar to my own.

I couldn't get to the phone fast enough. We talked for hours. Over that weekend we talked hours more and somewhere during those conversations, we knew that we had become a couple.

..............................................

Time passes. It is now May 25, 1990, our wedding day. We are neither of us member of a church. We asked Judge Alan Oleisky if he would do the honors in his chambers. He was agreeable, so we met there, she, I, her mom and sister (her dad had died a few months before) but no one from my side of the family. (Heartache there.) I asked (my old friend) to be my 'best man'. Appropriate and much in keeping with the traditional role. I had a tee shirt made for her to wear at the ceremony which said "Sometimes the Best Man is a Woman".

Dear Angel! How we both miss her! Over the years, her issues with her husband were resolved. The two of them liked to tour the country on his motorcycle. He was killed in a road accident in Oregon.My friend was badly injured, but recovered. She did eventually find someone else. They married and shortly afterward, discovered that they both had cancer. He recovered; she did not.. She died just a few years ago.

We are not religious people but if (to our great surprise) we find there is a heaven after all, I hope that my friend, our guardian angel in life, is there to greet us with a big hug.

Hmmm! I seem to have created a post, right here in front of my eyes. What do you think if it?
 

Ho Ho Tai

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I knew but had forgotten about this old song (written in 1929) until I heard it the other day. Seems like the story of so many on these boards.

from Wiki:
"Can't We Be Friends" was written in 1929 by Paul James with lyrics by Kay Swift. The song was introduced by Libby Holman for the Broadway musical The Little Show. Since its initial performance, the song has been recognized as a classic jazz standard. "



LINDA RONSTADT LYRICS

"Can't We Be Friends"

I thought I found the man of my dreams
Now it seems
This is how the story ends
He's going to turn me down
And say "can't we be friends"

I thought for once it couldn't go wrong
Not for long
I can see the way this ends
He's going to turn me down
And say "can't we be friends"

Never again
Through with love
Through with men
They play their game without shame
And who's to blame

I thought I found a man I could trust
What a bust
This is how the story ends
He's going to turn me down
And say "can't we be friends"

Why should I care
Though he gave me the air
And why should I cry
Even sigh
Or wonder why

I thought for once it couldn't go wrong
Not for long
I can see the way this ends
He's going to turn me down
And say "can't we be
can't we be
can't we be
can't we be
can't we be
can't we be friends"
 

tankyguy

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I think I've been on both the giving and receiving end of the Friend Zone.

In high school there was a cute girl in our little clique of friends. She was way nicer to me than any other of our friends; always seeking me out alone, always offering me snacks and doing little favors I didn't see her doing for others. I'd catch her smiling at me, etc. She outright said more than a couple times she was into 'big teddy bear guys'. It took me a long time to put 2+2 together, I wasn't even really sure, and I didn't have the confidence to make a move. :doh:
So, I think perhaps from her perspective, I was Friend-Zoning her.


In my mid 20's I started playing with a group of online gamer friends. There was a really great gender ratio and a lot of them were couples and knew each other IRL. Everyone was always flirty and playful so I thought nothing when one of the women started flirting with me. We formed a fast friendship and began chatting outside of the game over IM and Skype calls. We found out we were both single, felt there was some mutual chemistry and exchanged pictures. We flirted a more intensely over the next while. One day I mentioned my birthday was coming up. She asked how old I was going to be. I said I was 26. She said 'Oh. I'm 34' with a definitely disappointed tone. I asked her if that changed anything, because for me it didn't. She said it made her uncomfortable and we should probably just be friends.
I harbored a crush on her for a long time afterwards, up until she got involved with another guy from the group and later they were engaged.

So yeah, the Friend Zone sucks.
:p
 

op user

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I was thinking about that the other day. Back in my teens and 20's I had a lot of girl telling me they wanted to be friends with me - because I was very nice guy and stuff. Years later I understood that they did so because most of them needed to have a support group to help them with chores they did not enjoy doing or when they needed a ride etc. Obviously I refused such a role of being the guy on call and hopping to change her mind.

The issue was mainly with those ladies I was finding attractive. With a lady not attractive it is not a problem to be friends. Few years down the line, I come to think that it would have been better if I had go along and accepted to be friends. And then when I met a friend of hers, that I fancied, I would ask her to make the connection and help me out. Obviously she would refuse but I could point out to her how insincere she was!

Not sure if it is relevant or if it makes sense.
 

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