The Official Joke Thread :D

[AuntHen]

^No.

 

[Christopher Hughes]

A wife sent her husband a romantic text message… She wrote: “If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking, send me a sip. If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you.” Her husband texted back: “I’m on the toilet, please advise.”

 

[Barbsjw]

Why was Bert doing the pigeon?

Because Ernie said,"Not tonight hun, I have a headache."

 

[Joker]

A wife sent her husband a romantic text message… She wrote: “If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking, send me a sip. If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you.” Her husband texted back: “I’m on the toilet, please advise.”

It's now in MEME form.

 

[Christopher Hughes]

A man and woman had been married for 30 years, and in those 30 years, they always left the lights off when having sex. He was embarrassed and scared that he couldn't please her, so he always used a big dildo on her. All these years she had no clue. One day, she decided to reach over and flip the light switch on and saw that he was using a dildo. She said "I knew it, asshole, explain the dildo!" He said, "Explain the kids!"

 

[Barbsjw]

@Joker why the frown on my Bert & Ernie joke?

 

[Joker]

@Joker why the frown on my Bert & Ernie joke?

It was a frowney day.

 

[Barbsjw]

@Joker hopefully today was a better day.

 

[Christopher Hughes]

A penguin takes his car to the shop and the mechanic says it'll take about an hour for him to check it. While he waits, the penguin goes to an ice cream shop and orders a big sundae to pass the time. The penguin isn't the neatest eater, and he ends up covered in melted ice cream. When he returns to the shop, the mechanic takes one look at him and says, "Looks like you blew a seal." "No," the penguin insists, "it's just ice cream."

 

[Joker]

A penguin takes his car to the shop and the mechanic says it'll take about an hour for him to check it. While he waits, the penguin goes to an ice cream shop and orders a big sundae to pass the time. The penguin isn't the neatest eater, and he ends up covered in melted ice cream. When he returns to the shop, the mechanic takes one look at him and says, "Looks like you blew a seal." "No," the penguin insists, "it's just ice cream."

 

[Christopher Hughes]

A man and a woman started to have sex in the middle of a dark forest. After about 15 minutes, the man finally gets up and says, "Damn, I wish I had a flashlight!" The woman says, "Me too, you've been eating grass for the past ten minutes!"

 

[Joker]

Not really a joke because it really happened. I thought think it belongs here.

I really hate scaring 80+ year old ladies but it happens. I was on the elevator and this lady gets in but did not see me because she was pulling her laundry cart. I said "Hi." She screamed so loud I jumped back and hit the wall hard. I said "Sorry Miss Anna I did not mean to scare you." She looks at me and caught her breath and said. "I know and no problem as I was going to have to have a bowel movement today anyway sooner or later."

 

[Shotha]

Not really a joke because it really happened. I thought think it belongs here.

I really hate scaring 80+ year old ladies but it happens. I was on the elevator and this lady gets in but did not see me because she was pulling her laundry cart. I said "Hi." She screamed so loud I jumped back and hit the wall hard. I said "Sorry Miss Anna I did not mean to scare you." She looks at me and caught her breath and said. "I know and no problem as I was going to have to have a bowel movement today anyway sooner or later."

Didn't you help her with her laundry cart?

 

[Joker]

Didn't you help her with her laundry cart?

Laundry shart after that.

 

[Joker]

^No.

And again I ask No to what.

 

[Joker]

I know I shouldn’t have done this, but I am 62 years old and I was in the McDonald’s drive-through this morning and the young lady behind me leaned on her horn and started mouthing something because I was taking too long to place my order. So when I got to the first window I paid for her order along with my own. The cashier must have told her what I'd done, because as we moved up she leaned out her window and waved to me and mouthed "Thank you.", obviously embarrassed that I had repaid her rudeness with kindness. When I got to the second window I showed them both receipts and took her food too. Now she has to go back to the end of the queue and start all over again,
Don't blow your horn at old people, they have been around a long time.

 

[CPProp]

Two Nuns Are Driving Through Transylvania When A Vampire Jumps On The Car

Nun 1: "Quick! Show him your cross!"

Nun 2: *Opens Window* "Get off my car you stupid git!"