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Absolutely STRUGGLING in new relationship - changes in appearance

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Well-Known Member
Aug 29, 2022
I have posted about a new relationship partner that has said he ultimately wants to "gain muscle and lose fat". This has caused me quite a bit of distress! Doesn't help that he has been away recently so it's longer than usual between our meets.


While he was away, he got a new (second) tattoo. I DON'T LIKE TATTOOS!

Uggghhh, this guy has beautiful forearms. I can't help but see this tattoo as a "flaw" in the landscape.

But... a tattoo is very much a "second-order" preference for me. I can deal with a tattoo much better than I can deal with a(n intentional) change of body type.

But with what I was already worried about, this dumb tattoo is just exacerbating things.

...Or do I just hate ANY physical changes?

I feel torn here in how I should proceed.
I've been seeing this guy about 2 months.

To be clear, I won't ever think someone's physical presentation is something I should have a say in. But at the same time, it can affect me (and us), so what should I do??


1. Despite the short duration of our connection, I go honest and vulnerable. Maybe I will get some acknowledgement of my experience, maybe even some comfort (while not expecting any capitulation to my preferences).

2. Given the short duration of our relationship, I keep my suffering to myself. It is, after all, my decision to make whether I am happy/fulfilled in a relationship or not. If things get to a point where I'm not happy, I bow out. (I do fear, though, that this will require me to "close off" a part of myself in the meantime, to steel myself for certain changes).

For context:
  • I am 40F.
  • I am polyamorous, with a partner of 12.5 years and another of 4.5 years.
  • I really like this guy...
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