Absolutely STRUGGLING in new relationship - changes in appearance

[balthyes]

Update:

Despite whatever advice I received, I planned to keep this to myself.

But, in true "me" fashion, it ended up spilling out... And at a terrible time. I talked to him about it via text, while I was drunk and he (unknown to either of us at the time) was coming down with the flu.

I referenced that he said he wanted to lose weight and "obviously" I wouldn't prefer that... And I vaguely derided this fetish I have. He said if he wanted to lose weight he would because bodily autonomy etc... I said "Of course". The conversation devolved into him recognising my attraction was "conflicted" and me saying it was too hard for me to explain.

I couldn't even look back at the conversation to remind me what was said. I just had to wait a week to see him again and see what would happen.

He didn't mention it. I didn't mention it. But here's the thing...

I had struggled with whether to bring it up to him at all. I thought the only (selfish) reason to do so would be to get some reassurance.

What actually happened was... I seem to have absolved myself of some concern.

Between the conversation and seeing him, I realised that one part of my discomfort was in wondering why he was nonchalant. If I were changing my whole-body appearance, I would definitely worry about how that would be received. Not even out of concern for my partner, but about how the effect on them might affect me. *That's* what was weirding me out.

So now, having shared without receiving reassurances, I feel like I can relax. Like this isn't solely something *I* have to worry about. He knows about it. If he really plans to lose weight, he should worry about it. If my attraction changes? That's for me to deal with. How it affects our relationship? That's for each of us to deal with in our own way. Yet he isn't thinking about it. So I won't either.

I hope that makes sense.

 

[balthyes]

Update:

Dammit. I had come to peace, and we hadn't spoken again on the subject. We were hanging out tonight and he commented how he had to keep pulling up his pants. I wasn't thinking anything in particular and asked why. He said he had lost a little weight. That... deflated me. I didn't mean it to, but it did. I hadn't noticed any change to his weight, but him saying there was a loss deflated me.

And dammit, he noticed. Eventually he said, "I don't think I've lost weight." I said "Huh?" as if it wasn't on my mind. He said he never knew if he'd lost weight or his belly was bigger hence why his pants kept falling down.

He *totally* read me. He knew I was upset when he said about losing weight. I tried so hard to play it cool after he brought it up. Uggghh.

This poor boy. He wants so much to please me, and it's so unfair that I have such reactions to changes to his weight.

The stupid, really dumb thing is... He could say certain things and I wouldn't even know what his real weight is and would get turned on by generic "fat talk". But I can't get us to fat talk if he doesn't understand this... And he won't understand this as long as I don't feel I can explain it and feel he is okay with it...

 

[Angelette]

So it sounds like you are already involved with two other guys? If this third guy is causing you so much grief just dump him. It’s not like you’d be completely alone if you split up.

Not cool man.

 

[balthyes]

Update: This man is amazing.

Today, out of the blue, he brought up the "issue".

Now, he is not someone who would ever be inauthentic to himself. I know he is okay with me talking about my problems *or* keeping them to myself. He just loves that I don't dump my emotions on others and expect them to do whatever I want them to. But he managed to find what he was able to say to both validate and reassure me.

He LOVES that I love him being big. He has been insecure about his body in the past, but he is at a point of self-acceptance and not caring what others might think. He LIKES having a belly. He clarified that his health goals are to gain strength. None of this is him pandering to me or being dishonest. This is him recognising what truth he could tell me that I would appreciate.

I hated that I had the reaction I had yesterday. But he must have understood that I wasn't trying to communicate something passive-aggressively. I think he understands that this whole "fetish" is fraught for me and he must have given it all some thought. I didn't say much during what he said today, but this guy can read me like a fucking book. I'm sure he understood how comfortable he has made me.

And I felt comfortable enough to point out how easily he could "tease" me in public (ie, within the bounds of decency). And thereafter he kept rubbing and jutting out his belly.

For the first time, I don't regret letting my worries spill out. He understands and accepts my attraction and is willing to play up the things I enjoy as well as reassure me wherever he can. I honestly feel like whatever happens, at least he understands, respects and cares about me. Which all would make any physical changes he might go through so much easier to handle

Amazing.

Oh, and also... These weren't even pants I've ever seen him wear before! (Which I didn't realise at the time). So they are in no way an indication of him having lost or gained weight since I've known him

 

[curtis]

That is a very disrespectful response. Would you suggest someone wouldn't miss their child if they already had two others?

You clearly don't understand polyamory, and you don't have to, but you could try not dismissing others' feelings and experiences.

And you don't understand what it's like to be a parent, I suspect.

Not cool man.

Too direct? We should all just coddle balthyes and their hand-wringing? A two month relationship is a "problem" when they have TWO other longer ongoing relationships? I will NOT apologize for not "understanding" their prob.

 

[letters and numbers]

And you don't understand what it's like to be a parent, I suspect.

I’m not sure if you realize how weird this sounds in the context of what they wrote.

 

[Angelette]

@curtis Calm down

 

[curtis]

@curtis Calm down

Please.

 

[curtis]

I’m not sure if you realize how weird this sounds in the context of what they wrote.

"Would you suggest someone wouldn't miss their child if they already had two others?"

A false equivalency, no?

 

[letters and numbers]

"Would you suggest someone wouldn't miss their child if they already had two others?"

A false equivalency, no?

You didn’t say that. You come off as weird and hostile. But you do you. What this website definitely needs is more hostility.

 

[curtis]

You didn’t say that. You come off as weird and hostile. But you do you. What this website definitely needs is more hostility.

Uh, the quote from previous post -- it was providing some context. But I need not explain myself further. Either you get it, or you don't. Calling me weird and hostile is certainly "welcoming." But I don't sweat it -- I've been around, you're anonymous and random to me. But thanks for your feedback!

 

[letters and numbers]

W

Uh, the quote from previous post -- it was providing some context. But I need not explain myself further. Either you get it, or you don't. Calling me weird and hostile is certainly "welcoming." But I don't sweat it -- I've been around, you're anonymous and random to me. But thanks for your feedback!

Uh, the quote from previous post -- it was providing some context. But I need not explain myself further. Either you get it, or you don't. Calling me weird and hostile is certainly "welcoming." But I don't sweat it -- I've been around, you're anonymous and random to me. But thanks for your feedback!

Very self aware

 

[Angelette]

Man I just want to talk about hot fat men and finally be in a safe space where I can comfortably talk about my own weight.

 

[Colonial Warrior]

Man I just want to talk about hot fat men and finally be in a safe space where I can comfortably talk about my own weight.

That's the best thing of being here!

 

[Angelette]

That's the best thing of being here!

Amen!