[New Year - new chapter - all the best wishes to all readers for 2016!]
XVI.
“I don’t see what you’re trying to make me feel guilty about or apologize for, Alex.” Alexa coolly shifted gears before the next sharp downhill curve on their way back to Max’s. “It was a lovely snow outing, I did some great skiing with Chris&Tina – you had a sunny day on the terrace, took some spectacular pics from what I saw on screen - and must have had a nice talk with Walter Sattler, who is a great guy and could be interesting for you professionally.”
Growling to himself he crossed his arms tightly over his belly and looked outside the passenger window in a huff. The problem – she was right as always. She had done nothing wrong – only the situation had once more made him feel like the super fat unwanted outcast. He had thought nothing of agreeing to visit Christian at Christina’s family chalet in St. Anton, only 150 kilometers from Max’s parents for a day of skiing together. They had set out in the early still dark morning to join Chris&Tina for an abundant breakfast at home, which proved to be not a fancy chalet, but a historic local farm house lovingly refurbished in understated, authentic fashion with only Christina’s uncomplicated engineer brother Sebastian around with his family.
The ride by cable car up to the peak was fascinating because half way up they broke through the dense fog to be greeted by bright sunshine. The steel-blue light on the border of fog and sunshine reflecting the ice and snow was the most spectacular he had ever seen and he pressed himself against the window to get as many angles as possible with his camera. His problems started on exiting the cable car: At the altitude of 2.400 meters there was notably less oxygen in the air and he immediately was out of breath on climbing 4 steps out of the station, his heart racing. Walking two more steps, he suddenly found himself on his back, propped up by a pile of snow, an extremely concerned Alexa hovering over him: “Alex – are you okay? Did you hurt yourself? Can you move your arms and legs?” before snapping something at Christina who sped off.
“I’m fine. Must’ve stepped on some ice and slipped…”
“Really? Can you twist your ankles? What about your head…. I mean falling … with your weight …. we need to be really careful…..”
“Alexa – I’m honestly fine!” he growled. “My parka and ass are both thick enough to cushion the fall. This is a pile of snow – nothing happened!” inwardly acknowledging though that she might be right. He did not want to have to deal with a serious injury at his current size.
Christina returned handing Alexa a small pack, who ripped it open and fiddled something onto his boots: “These are shoe-chains, like those for tires. They will give you better footing and prevent you from slipping.” She planted a kiss on his lips which didn’t help – he hated being patient super-fat-so to nurse Alexa more than anything. Christian gave him a hand in heaving himself up, he brushed off the snow to ask: “So – where can I get some beginner skis around here?”
Christina briefly pushed up her ski goggles from her pale eyes to give him an unreadable stare: “There are no options for ski beginners up here. Only red and black slopes for advanced to expert skiers.”
“You can walk around a bit on the marked hiking paths up here on the plateau, relax on the sun terrace of the lodge, work with your camera on take great pics in this light, Alex darling. Skiing lessons for you weren’t on the agenda,” Alexa tried to hug him and give his middle a reassuring rub.
“Girls – we need to be going. The next cable car is coming, it’s packed. Let’s get away from here before the huge crowd comes,” Christian urged, kicking off diagonally down the slope.
“Have fun! It’s really lovely up here,” with a quick parting smooch Alexa left too. Standing there rooted in frustration, he was overrun by the crowds out of the cable car minutes later, many of them bumping into him, swearing and barking to get his fat ass out of the way. Getting going, he noticed that he did have a safer step with the snow chains, being out of practice walking on ice and snow, even without the added risk of his massively increased bulk. Nevertheless he felt as out of place and rejected as possible.
Moving slowly, undecidedly, he took a look around the plateau, at the lodge with the terrace, the scenic outpost platform on one of the lower peaks from where it was more than worthwhile to take a few pictures. On his way back to the lodge, he was intercepted by the returning skier threesome, who were glowing with exertion and fun. “Everything alright with you Alex? We’ll do one round over the entire circuit and then come back for a snack on the terrace with you, okay? You can reserve a nice table for us please if you get there earlier…,”
“Ughugh – sure…,” he grumbled to decide that he would definitely not do that. Looking at them as they headed off again, their encounter must have resembled Jabba the Hut meeting the cool aliens: Alexa a galactic princess in dusty pale blue, Christina a very cool space ship officer in head-to-toe silver and Christian something like Darth Vader’s enormous hulking body guard in tight black. He did not need any more of that. So he lumbered along the narrow path to the outer end of the ski arena, took more pictures, relaxed a bit on an isolated bench hidden by a rock and did not return to the terrace at the arranged time, instead wandered to the end of the trail.
After studying the map there, he took a different path back to be rewarded by interesting rock formations and as he went around the last bend to see the lodge again a few hundred meters ahead, Christina joined him from above in a silver swoosh. “I had a hunch you might have taken that trail – it has great sights, doesn’t it?” she unclicked her skies, took them under her arm and started to walk back with him. “I’m truly sorry. I took it for granted that you ski – didn’t even ask Alex. I’d never have suggested this had I known – we could’ve done something else together.”
“Nah … it’s okay… “
“No – I can see it isn’t okay. I definitely didn’t want to make you feel left out. I’m sorry,” she quickly jumped in front of him for a few steps where the path was too narrow for two. “You had Alex honestly worried when you weren’t on the terrace. Somehow though I knew there was nothing physically wrong- more like situational. So I told them I’d go look for you, since this is my home turf.” She looked at him openly. “Is there anything I can do? Do you want the house keys, so you can ride back down, maybe get to know Sebastian a little more?”
“No – it’s okay.” He said this with a firmness he didn’t feel, sensing she meant well. “I’ll go have a coffee, take some more pictures - that really is worthwhile up here.”
“Sure?”
“Tina – Tina!” Before he could answer, a man called at her loudly and waved with a crutch from beside the terrace.
“Walter-wie schön!” Christina cheek kissed the man in greeting. “Walter Sattler – old family friend. This is Alex Bartholomon, Alexandra’s great new partner!” prompting them to shake hands, surprised he was awarded the honor of the pretty definite title ‘partner’. “What happened? Why are you on crutches? Vati mentioned you weren’t doing well…”
“I finally had to have that back surgery …. healing is slow and painful…. Decided to come up for a day with Valerie though…”
“Oh, I’m sorry. Hope you recover soon…,” a smile creeping over her features. “Why don’t you join Alex for coffee on the terrace? You two have a professional background in common. Alex here is an engineer too, works in renewable energies….”
“That’s very interesting! Good idea! Thank you Tina, greetings to your parents and Sebastian with family. Come Alex …. If I may call you so…”
“Of course sir. Can I help you in any way?”
“No –slowly does it.” As they reached the terrace, Walter must have good connections for they got a great table with a bench along the far end of the lodge’s wall with a breathtaking view, an extra pile of pillows and he ordered a fresh local beer and a specialty soup for them. Wincing in pain as he settled against the cushions, Walter moaned: “Whatever you do in life my boy, don’t fall for the temptations of a second trophy wife. Stay with Alexandra – she’s one of the perfect girls anyway!”
“Umm … yes sir, I’ll try!” wondering where this amount of familiarity came from.
Their beers arrived and Walter took a long draught. “Sorry my boy, you probably think I’m a rambling old idiot. Alexandra of course is a grown woman, I mean no disrespect. I went to university with Christina’s father, have known her since she was born – and consequentially Christian and his siblings since elementary school. They'll always be the kids in my eyes. Just venting, made the mistake of giving up my original family for a glamorous wife number two. Now I struggle to keep up with her and her demands. Would strongly advise against it.”
“Umm – I understand sir.” The look on his face must have been taken aback though, for Walter shook himself.
“Sorry – I think that still was … how do you say – too much information?” letting him nod. “These painkillers somehow prevent me from thinking before I speak. All I’m trying to say, make sure your time with Countess Alexandra lasts. Tell me more about yourself – you’re an engineer? Have you worked on power generators?”
The chat with Walter had been friendly and interesting, he had taken some he believed beautiful pictures of the sun going down over the snow covered mountains – but having to descend alone in the cable car while the others skied all the way down into the valley made him get into the car full of self-pitying resentment. After this last line of their argument, he sulked in silence all the way back to Max’s, where he declined dinner at Julia’s, instead went on to picture sorting and editing.
The next morning his grumpiness hadn’t subsided, on the contrary it was fueled by being ravenously hungry. He let Alexa sleep in and went down to Eva’s kitchen to help himself to an extensive breakfast, not letting his arm be twisted to taste a few things for New Year’s Eve dinner. After the fifth thick roll, and several other bits of Christmas bakery he reclined with some berry quark balanced on his gut, exhaling and feeling much better as his stomach signaled a certain filling level again. His mind remained muddled though, the escape reflex winning the upper hand, the need to get out into the open and be alone.
In their apartment, Alexa was in the shower so he grabbed his parka, pulled on his boots and headed out. A cry of “Alless, Alless, Alless” greeted him in the driveway, with Max and the kids coming over to his parents.
“You going out for a walk…,” Max struggled to keep Carolina in her stroller.
“Yeah – need some fresh air…”
“Out mit Alless.., out mit Alless..,” Carolina insisted.
“No – you can’t go out with Alex now sweetie – we’re going to see Omi,” Max reasoned. “And Uncle Alex needs to be alone….”
“Out, out, out mit Alless,” she wailed, kicking wildly.
“It’s okay Max. I’ll take her, don’t mind Carolina coming along.” He bent over and undid her buckles, pulling her out. “Come with Uncle Alex cutie,” holding her hand as she wanted to toddle off with him.
“She’s really cranky, needs a nap. She almost didn’t sleep, some new teeth are on the way.”
“No problem, I’ll take the stroller along – she’s good at falling asleep outside….” He grabbed the stroller bar with his other hand and fell into the extremely slowed down and shortened steps necessary to match Carolina’s scamper. “Cat,” she pointed to one hurrying around the corner.
“Yes, that’s a cat,” he smiled down at her. “Look over there … can you see the dog?”
“Yah … dod …” she pointed to a dachshund looking through a garden fence. He could tell from her slowing steps and how she rubbed her eye with her mitten that she was very tired. As soon as they had turned off the street into the farm lane, she stopped and stretched out her arms: “Up Alless!”
Setting the brake on the stroller with one foot, he picked her up and let her settle over his shoulder. Leaning against a small wall, he pushed out his belly so she could half rest on it like on a bean bag, rocking her lightly and rubbing her back. “You’re real sleepy cutie, hugh? Papa was right….” And within minutes she went limp with sleep. Careful not to wake her, he fitted her in the stroller and covered her up to continue his walk.
Carolina’s lively intervention did have the effect of taking his mind off his self-obsessed brooding and he decided to do the long walk up the hill from where he could see the lake. This winter was much milder than the last and he had to open his parka half-way up, as he stopped to catch his breath hot and winded. It was notably tougher than last year – he felt his higher weight as he shoved his gut uphill. And logically, Carolina at 18 months in a bigger stroller was heavier than an infant. As he reached the hill-top, he was puffing with stitches in his side, cursing himself for not having brought a drink of water. The scenery was worth it though: Rolling foothills stretched for about 30 miles to the snow covered Alps, the landscape itself was a turbulent mix of green and gray, with a stiff, mild breeze from the south-west and fast-moving, looming clouds.
After his breathing was back to normal, he tried to sort his contradictory emotions. He was as angry with himself as he was with Alexa. Sure, it hadn’t been the best idea to take him along on an outing where he couldn’t really participate. On the other hand, as boyfriend, he should be fair enough to not begrudge her one day of skiing she enjoyed with her brother. Somewhere in the dark recesses of his subconscious, he also knew she was right – his weight was not the actual issue. Even 2 years ago, at 108 kilograms, he wouldn’t instantly have learned to ski red or black slopes intended for the experts. He would’ve had to have taken skiing lessons on the baby slopes way further down the mountain – not fully participating in their outing either. And he would’ve felt just as stupid and inferior about it as he did yesterday.
It had been this way since their first day at FuturePowers: He had always seen Alexa as way out of his league in every respect. His automatic response had been to build himself a shield out of negative interpretations of Alexa’s actions to keep him from hopeless love and hurt. She had managed to break or circumvent that shield – leaving him vulnerable. Experience had shown though, that being without Alexa hurt even more than occasional occurrences like yesterday when he wished he was everywhere except with her.
Remembering that there was a water spring beyond the little woods on the other farm lane he made his way over the bumpy, muddy trail shuttling the stroller over tree roots and through ruts until Carolina half woke up and started whimpering. At the spring, he grabbed one of the spare cups from the stroller bag Hannah always hauled around and gulped down 4 cups of icy water before quietly rocking the stroller to get Carolina back to sleep. With a deep breath, he kicked a log lying there over a dozen times until the negative jumble in his mind was somehow kicked out too.
Zoë was right – he had a great life and personal circle here, it was worth fighting for. Walter probably was right too – holding onto a perfect woman like Alexa was the only sensible thing to do. Even if it didn’t last, breaking it off earlier than necessary out of fear of it ending made even less sense.
Back at the house, he handed Carolina to Hannah and found Alexa in Julia’s kitchen making dumplings. “There you are! Did you have a good walk? Julia is teaching me to make spinach&cheese dumplings!” Alexa smiled at him but her look was guarded and questioning.
“Mmmmh – dumplings, lovely new dumplings!” he growled and wrapped Alexa in a fierce hug, enveloping her in as much flesh as possible as he backed her against the table with an intense kiss, murmuring into her ear: “I’m so sorry, I’m a big fat idiot. You have every right to enjoy skiing with your family. You don’t deserve me being such a jerk.”
“You’re not a jerk. You were just disappointed you couldn’t come along. I should’ve discussed the exact plans with you more in detail beforehand. I didn’t think. I want you to be happy my biggest, roundest most wonderful dumpling…,” she kissed him back.
“Alexa – your normal-size dumplings need your attention now! Otherwise they’ll start boiling and will disintegrate. I’ll take care of your giant dumpling, busy him with something to taste,” Julia commented drily.
Otherwise their Christmas vacation at Max’s was as lovely as the previous, only emotionally even more fulfilling with Alexa in his arm. Given that his appetite and capacity had increased from enormous last year to what might be called humungous this year it amounted to physically exceptionally filling. Julia had given his gut a much raised eyebrows appraisal on arriving, with a little slap: “You must be the only guy I’ve ever met to go on a total anti-diet with a new girlfriend… and I can see it’s been rubbing off on Max up there in The Hague. But you two seem very happy with each other – in every respect … isn’t that so? Not lll..”
“Yes, we’re very happy. Alexa fortunately doesn’t mind anti-diets… What else did you want to say?”
“Nothing – enjoy all Christmas treats. I have a great new red-cabbage roll recipe to try tonight!”
Enjoy his Christmas treats from Eva and Julia, now with help from Alexa he definitely did. Especially in the 48 hours following his apology to Alexa, in which he ate continuously as it rained nonstop. Sitting inside, something eatable was always at hand – and since last Christmas, or at the latest his autumn eating spree, he was becoming addicted to the lustily illicit pleasure of pushing a heavily stuffed gut ahead of himself.
Sitting down to dinner that evening, he was intrigued how far he already had to spread his thighs for his gut to stretch comfortably before him. The next day, he was so full as early as after lunch, he couldn’t bend down comfortably to untie his shoes for relaxing on the couch, so he wiggled out of them with the help of a shoe horn and his toes with a profound belch and sigh. Loosening his belt, Alexa was suddenly behind him, undid the waistband and pulled down his pants: “No couch, there’s not enough room for both of us. Let’s cuddle up a bit on the bed!”
The entanglement of their limbs, Alexa’s smooth with his fleshy ones was a beguiling pleasure every time a new. Having her rub and stroke all the squishy flab over his stuffed stomach, the dense gelatinous mass blending into his thick side tires – sleepy bliss made him glide barely below the level of consciousness. Fully waking again, he could feel his manhood throb from all the animation running through his flab, letting him roll himself over Alexa pressing his weight into her as he started to kiss and nibble her breasts.
Soon they were gyrating various body parts against each other, the squishing and squeezing of his wobbly bulges fueling his excitement. Alexa knew how to keep him hovering in that state endlessly prolonging the fun by teasingly feeding him cookies in between until he came explosively. Their tryst left him physically glowing with a recharged appetite, so he went to get a small ‘Brotzeit’ with beer and a cheese pretzel before the afternoon coffee and cake.
In the early afternoon of New Year’s Eve it finally stopped raining and he accompanied Max and the restless children to the lake because Maurice’s new hobby was flooding. The water had not quite reached the lakeside esplanade yet but at some points little waves would spill over, enough to satisfy Maurice and Carolina and keep him busy in preventing her from tumbling all the way in.
When she tired, they put her into the stroller and could actually walk some more, Max busying Josephine and Maurice will all sorts of memory and guessing games. As they ran off to identify some trees, Max asked him unprompted: “You and Alexa are real happy right now, aren’t you?”
“Ummm … yeah … would say so …. why?” The question did come as a surprise.
“Hmmph – overheard you guys yesterday afternoon – came to get your latest pics of the kids…”
“Oh **** – I’m sorry,” he felt his cheeks flame with in a mixture of embarrassment, titillating memory and not least pride. “Were we too loud?”
“No – no – you can’t hear what’s going on in the apartment from upstairs – thankfully. I just stood right outside the door.”
“Again – sorry ….,”
“Why sorry? Be glad it’s that way…,” Max’s sentence ended in a mutter. “Ummm …. does Alexa still …. ummm …. was it ever an issue for her that you got even bigger lately?”
“No – fortunately it never has been.”
“Lucky *******…,” Max grumbled darkly and kicked some stones into the water.
It was the frustrated kick he knew well enough from himself that made him in a flash realize what Max’s convoluted questioning was all about; filling him with shocked empathy, but also instant thankfulness for Alexa’s love of his girth. He could impossibly tell Max that his girl totally went off when she could pleasure herself with his wobbling flesh.
“Is everything okay with you and Hannah?” suddenly remembering the weird pause Julia had made when she touched on the issue with him.
“Everything is fine.” The response was too curt to be credible.
“Max – if something is wrong – you can really tell me.” In this moment realizing fully that Max was the best friend he had ever had. “You’re one of two people in the world who knows everything about me…. If there is anything I can do… ?”
“No –forget it! It’s nothing! Don’t you dare say a word I ever mentioned anything to Hannah-okay!”
All the way back they just spoke with the children and as he returned to their apartment, Alexa wasn’t there. Making him suddenly miss her with an intense physical longing that he almost smothered her as she came back in, pink-cheeked and wind-blown: “Hey cool it! I didn’t emigrate – only borrowed Julia’s bike to go pick up the trout for tomorrow at the fish farm two villages from here.” gasping as he stopped her with another burying kiss.
“You’re so wonderful, I can’t tell you how wonderful you are…. so sweet …. and kind …. and caring….,” emphasizing each adjective with another kiss.
“What’s up?” she pinched his cheeks and pulled back his head by them. “What happened that made you realize from a 2 hour separation that I’m a valuable person for you?”
“Umm … nothing. Just wanted to show you how much you mean…,” kissing her again to not have to finish his sentence.
“No-no-no – don’t forget I have three brothers. I know all about guys trying to hide guilt – or suddenly in a flash realizing their good fortune. It never comes out of the blue. There’s always a reason. Did Max say something?”
“Oh … no … no … not at all…”
“Aha – is everything okay between Max and Hannah?” Alexa narrowed her eyes in scrutinizing him.
“No – yes - of course it is,” shocked at how quickly she had come to this conclusion and uncomfortably feeling himself blush.
“Okay. I’ll change now, start getting ready for our small New Year’s Eve party,” throwing him one discerning look over her shoulder.
Max’s confession left him with such humbling gratitude for being blessed with such a loving, tolerant woman – vowing to never again doubt his good fortune over some social status trivia. It also dented his appetite considerably, giving in to a subconscious urge of not wanting to set a bad example for his friend’s struggles. In addition, he found himself observing Hannah with more critical eyes, like how she cleared Max’s plate before everyone was finished or so.
As the New Year’s fireworks went off, he and Alexa shared a long, lingering kiss to end it with “Happy New Year my love,” in unison, making them both laugh in delight and kiss again. Watching the sparkling lights shoot across the sky, he remembered that he had stood here exactly a year ago, then slightly jealous of Max and Hannah. Recollecting his three wishes from back then – he noted that two of them had actually come true: He had the perfect love-interest in his arm and was as satisfyingly overfed as never before. Only the job resolution was more up in the air than ever before, casting a regrettably large shadow over his life.