Ex-husband wanted me to lose 20 pounds because certain sex positions were uncomfortable for him.

Discussion in 'BBW/FA Board' started by FatBarbieDoll, Aug 30, 2019.

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  1. Aug 30, 2019 #1

    FatBarbieDoll

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    Fair bit of warning: A bit TMI below!

    I have a story to share about which I'd like some opinions. I was once married to a man I met online after 3-4 years of dating. I have always made it a point to show how big I am on dating sites because I don't believe in deceiving potential partners about my body size. I would not want it done to me, so I won't do it to others.

    Anyway, we started doing the deed a month or so after meeting. Since I lived at home then, we'd book rooms. A little over a year later, I moved in to his place. He had literally countless opportunities to see how large my belly was, yet he still decided to pursue a relationship, asked me to move in and then married me. If my belly has gotten bigger, it's not by much. He once asked something along the lines of if it's my job to please my hubby. He said that the sex was decent but could be much better if I lost some weight.

    He wanted me to lose at least 20 pounds "for my health" but also because my belly made it too uncomfortable for him to do the 69 sex position with me. According to him, my belly pressed down on his chest and/or the surrounding area. Missionary was also out due to, again, my large belly, according to him. In the earlier years, he'd do missionary once in a blue moon "as a treat" for me for less than 10 minutes.

    I said that, should I lose weight, it'll be on my terms when I am ready and will be just for me. He did say he was attracted to me, if that matters.

    I felt/feel like he was being unfair. He even once said he'd not try to change me because I would not try to change him. Boy, was THAT a lie. He eventually started "forbidding" me to eat certain things, like desserts. No desserts ever, except on my birthday because I am "so overweight."

    He lacked empathy in general and concerning me and weight loss was no different. He had/has never, ever, EVER been overweight, obese or morbidly obese, so I am not sure he truly understands what it would take out of me to lose weight and maintain the loss.
     
    Last edited: Aug 30, 2019
  2. Aug 30, 2019 #2

    happily_married

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    Sounds like you got out of a bad marriage. That wasn’t about weight loss it was about control. It sounds like you stood up for yourself and that’s good.

    Not to be rude to him, but he also sounds like a bit of a wuss. I don’t know how heavy you were during that time but I’ve had my wife over me doing a 69 and she weighed over 400 pounds at the time. I think a guy who’s going to go into a relationship with any person needs to accept certain things about her up front. If she happens to be a plus size girl then her weight is one of those things. Amazes me when guys change.

    I have a close friend who recently divorced her husband. She was big when they met so it’s not like she took off the wedding gown and had been hiding a fat girl in there and surprised him. But he complained about her weight a lot and damaged her emotionally with that and other things he said and did.

    I’m curious: what finally brought the end to that marriage you were in? Did you reach a breaking point or did he leave you? If you’d rather not share that I understand.

    Either way, you’re probably better off in no relationship than one with a controlling partner.
     
  3. Aug 30, 2019 #3

    Green Eyed Fairy

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    I concur that it's about control rather than your weight. I find myself facing some of the same crazy shit out in the dating world now. I'm too big, not big enough or I simply don't 'gain it right'. It's tiring.
    I'm a fat woman. Have been one size of fat or another since my teen years. It is what it is.
    The biggest concerns in some of my past relationships seem to revolve around him digging my fatness or weight loss. How about some concern for who I actually am and not what my body is...or isn't?
    My biggest problem with being hetero....you spend too much time trying to please a man :(
     
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  4. Aug 30, 2019 #4

    loopytheone

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    Yeah, it sounds like you did well to get out of that relationship, Barbie.

    People being negative towards you and making you feel bad about yourself should always be a red flag in a relationship. And if anybody ever tried to tell me what I could and couldn't eat or to lose weight, I would be out the door like a flash, hah. But its easy to fall into these traps as people tend to start that behaviour gradually.

    We live and learn, at least. Also, I agree with what HM said. I've had a 450 lb person lay full weight on top of me in bed and it was fine (I was maybe 160 lbs at the time). Like, unless you're trying to lay on top of him on a concrete floor, it really shouldn't be an issue.
     
  5. Aug 30, 2019 #5

    AmyJo1976

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    If a man wants you to change something about yourself in order to please him, hedh better be willing to give you something in return! :D
     
  6. Aug 30, 2019 #6

    FatBarbieDoll

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    At most, I have gained 25 pounds since then. I was maybe 280 at the time.

    He thought that my stomach squished him and made him feel very uncomfortable.
    What finally ended things was me meeting someone else.
     
  7. Aug 30, 2019 #7

    FatBarbieDoll

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    I should have known what was up when he stopped buying me my favorite chips the one day per week we met.

    When I moved in, I was “allowed” one dessert per week, but that changed to only birthdays. Eventually, even hamburgers/beef were not allowed.

    He once said I could have a dessert once a week if I got on the scale and could prove I was maintaining my weight. I point blank told him he is not to treat me that way.

    Compromising didn’t happen. My diet was admittedly unhealthy then and still is. I would have been okay with a compromise, like one treat per week, but nope — I was “too overweight” for that, as if one dessert per week would cause weight gain.
     
    Last edited: Aug 30, 2019
  8. Aug 30, 2019 #8

    FatBarbieDoll

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    Being who I am, I’ve asked myself if he had a point and was saying a truth I didn’t wanna hear. I ask myself if he really did care about my health but just didn’t express it in the most loving way. I ask myself if I pushed away someone who really did care about me because of some deeper psychological issue I may have.

    How are you people so sure it was about control as opposed to genuine concern?
     
  9. Aug 30, 2019 #9

    BigElectricKat

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    THIS is my main concern when it comes to people and relationships. One should never, ever try to change someone they are in a relationship with. If you don't like something about the person you are dating/potentially going to date, then you should move on. People get in the mindset that they have to "settle" for various reasons. And they assume that any negative or unwanted traits of their significant other can/should be changed for "the better". But really, you cannot mold someone into your perfect mate. They either already or they are not. And besides, there is no "perfect mate". You have to either accept who they are as you find them or not. Like the song says, "Loving you is loving your imperfections".
     
  10. Aug 30, 2019 #10

    happily_married

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    Because if it was about health and genuine concern he wouldn’t have been drawn to you to begin with. People who legitimately are concerned about health don’t pursue bigger partners. They pursue people they perceive to be healthier. (Note the word “perceive” because it’s not always true but that’s a different discussion.)

    This was definitely control and the more you describe what he did the more sure of it I am. “Allowing” one dessert per week? Weekly weigh ins? That’s control, deer. That’s micromanaging a grown woman and dictating to your what should be your own personal decision to make.

    You’re better off without him, for sure.
     
  11. Aug 30, 2019 #11

    happily_married

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    I’ll add this: concern is only prescriptive in a parent-child relationship. It has to take a different shape when the object of concern is an adult. Even if the concerned party is the person’s doctor.

    “This is for your own good” works with kids because often they don’t know any better. It doesn’t work with adults because in most cases they’re capable of their own decisions.

    Dictating the decision for you isn’t concern. It’s control.
     
    Last edited: Aug 30, 2019
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  12. Aug 30, 2019 #12

    FatBarbieDoll

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    Yep. I’d have to do a weekly weigh-in before each food shopping trip and, if my weight didn’t go up, was “allowed” a dessert.

    I lied about my weight for so long because I felt I had to do so to avoid judgement and his control. When he found out I weighed 300 pounds, hamburgers were no longer “allowed” either. I asked for a comprise, like one burger per week. This way, I could be healthier and still get my burger. He insisted roast beef was a fair compromise but, logically, I don’t think it was. If I want a burger and you only “allow” roast beef, that is not a compromise. Any attempt to talk about it just started a nasty fight.

    Also, like I said, maybe it was out of concern/love, but just not expressed in the best way.
     
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  13. Aug 30, 2019 #13

    loopytheone

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    Well HM has answered this pretty much perfectly already, but I'll chime in as a fellow lady. Men that respect and love you don't try and tell you what to do, simple as that. The words you use, like "allow" and "forbidding" and stuff shows that this wasn't an arrangement between two equals that respect each other, it was him controlling your behaviour. Ordering you about isn't ever a sign of love, it's childish at best and abusive at worst.

    For comparison, me and my other half are both obese people and when we met, both of us had pretty terrible diets. Even though we both like fat partners, we were concerned about each other and we talked about that like adults. We discussed our thoughts on what we could improve, what our issues were and we supported each other. Neither of us would dream for a second of telling the other one what to do because nobody has the right to do that to another adult. People who love and respect each other are gentle and kind and supportive and respect their partner's right to make decisions for themselves.

    When I was younger, I was with a guy that was about 450 lbs and his diet was terrible. I was concerned about his health and I spoke to him about that. We talked about it, about what I thought the issues were, what was stopping him from eating better and we figured out ways to help him get over his hurdles and eat better. Heck, I even sent him vitamins and food shipped across the Atlantic. But he was an adult and it was entirely on him. I would never try and tell him what to do or scold him like a child. If he wanted to eat hamburgers and then cake for dinner that was entirely his choice and I would never judge him for that. I made him healthy food, showed him how to cook vegetables in ways that he actually liked.

    A lot of the time, people who are controlling target others that they see as vulnerable and less likely to fight back. Fat women are often seen as easy pickings for such people because the pressure of society means we rarely have the same confidence and fire that others do. There was an old book that was mentioned a few times on this forum years ago, about how certain men like to control fat women. I think it was called "Fat is a Feminist Issue" or something? Whilst I don't agree with the book for the most part, it does pretty accurately describe how some predators manipulate fat women.

    But yeah, all rambling aside, the point is that nobody who loves you would ever be controlling towards you like that. Ever.
     
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  14. Aug 30, 2019 #14

    Green Eyed Fairy

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    The more I read, the more I think it's the same problem I've had with a man or two; He wants a fat woman but it can only be in one place that he prefers.
    He wants a huge ass but hates the belly. Fuck him and the horse he rode in on FBD. He just couldn't be honest about his pissiness and need for you to look a certain way. He's a child.
    It seems to be more important than it should be but perhaps you need to have conversations with potential dates up front: Do they not only prefer bigger women but do they prefer ones that look like you?
    YOU should be more picky yourself. Don't just look for a man that likes fat chicks, but find a boob/belly guy- they don't mind the good stuff up front ;)
     
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  15. Sep 2, 2019 #15

    SSBBBWVeuveJenCoBu

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    Too right! And absolutely we as ladies need to be more selective in potential partners and down to intimate matters, what each others' limitations might be in advance so hopefully no one will be hurt/ blindsided in the long run. Like perhaps grow 5 more inches of schlong (gotta have the proper Earth moving equipment and skill to use it to rock my world. Lol), pray for a tongue like Gene Simmons, and 25 LBS worth of personality, care and compassion. Be a woman that is more than her size. And seek out men of mental & emotional substance whom appreciates & respects women of ALL sizes.

    My late husband was a typically lean Englishman, wasn't an FA & had never been with not only a woman of color nor a woman well over 150LBS. He grew to respect & love me through a professional paradigm first. Sex didn't occur until after he proposed. He was a mature, unselfish gent that even though he wasn't as carnally knowledgeable as I, he knew he had to earn my trust & respect in order to get the Keys to the Kingdom. What I learned from him, especially as his cancer became more aggressive, is that yes lovemaking/ skill & tact are important. But when meds, chemo and being betrayed by one's own weakened body, how you express that love, intimacy, patience and tenderness through words and writing (no I'm not talking about talking dirty but if that's a couple's thing, that's fine too), the mind, memory & emotions still become stirred if there can no longer be physicality involved. There were days & weeks where I was in tremendous physical pain due to the burden if my flesh before & after we were wed. He felt bad I was in agony & couldn't relieve me of it. But he did. He did with every soothing massage. With every ounce of understanding. With every hour of everyday telling me he was blessed to have me in his life. No one of any size was ever so genuine & loving as he. We're it not for him, we're it not for Michael making me promise to him a week before he died in my arms to Never Settle & to know my worth; I'd never really know how a lady should be treated. How couples should be towards each other.

    Not too shabby for two people whom entered each other's lives the old fashioned way: randomly by chance in a Barnes & Noble bookstore in NYC in the late 1990s. He died in 2003 when I was 33. I'm 49 now & not remarried yet. No one of his Calibre. I tried dating, but that chap proved himself to be a self absorbed,coward selfish, undermining & all out schmuck. That's what can occasionally happen if u settle for someone with a self satisfying agenda. In the end, I wish everyone success in their relationship or quest in healing themselves and being wiser from it.

    Hugs, y'all
     
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  16. Sep 15, 2019 #16

    Broseph

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    Thanks for sharing this personal experience. I agree with the others that it’s probably better that the relationship ended. I hope your new partner treasures that belly ;)

    In my totally unprofessional opinion we are talking about an emotionally abusive relationship here. Sorry if that sounds condescending or judgmental. Again—not a professional. In my experience, talking to a partner about my likes, concerns, etc., as they relate to her and the relationship is part of a healthy relationship. A cornerstone, even. At the end of the day we need to be able to deal with things together, especially the difficult stuff. But—and this is the hit—my approach when bringing these things up, whatever they may be, is to say what I need to say. Talk about it. Nothing more. If my partner responds the way I want, great. That’s not always the case. Sometimes I have to drop the topic. Sometimes the topic isn’t even appropriate to bring up. Sitting with these difficult questions about what I should bring up or not is par for the course in deep relationships as far as I’m concerned. I’m a human being and am allowed to make my own decisions. So I do my best to treat my partner that way. Not saying I’m perfect or that I don’t put my foot in my mouth sometimes. I do.

    My girlfriend and I have had a situation recently. We’ve been together for almost 3 years and in the (2-year-ish) process of my coming out as an FA, I’ve asked her if she’d consider gaining weight (not that bluntly, of course. I’d talked with her a lot about my sexuality). She’s not willing to gain. Total bummer as an FA because almost everything else in the relationship is great. (Although she has relaxed in terms of her body image. She is surprised and delighted that she doesn’t have to LOSE weight to be attractive to me). She’s maybe 170 now and about 5‘6“. Anyway, while my „dream weight“ for her would be 300, it’s not up to me. So I am (sadly and painfully) in the process of dropping it. Anyway, I share that to say that she is the owner of her body. That’s simply my basic operating principle. I was all torn up about whether I should even mention it to her. Most friends and common sense said „don’t!“ She is glad I have. And it’s been good for both of us to discuss this and has been good for her (and her friends, whom she doesn’t hesitate to smilingly tell I’m an FA and have asked her to gain) to know that there are guys out there who prefer bigger women.
     
  17. Sep 15, 2019 #17

    FatBarbieDoll

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    ther for almost 3 years and in the (2-year-ish) process of my coming out as an FA, I’ve asked her if she’d consider gaining weight (not that bluntly, of course. I’d talked with her a lot about my sexuality). She’s not willing to gain. Total bummer as an FA because almost everything else in the relationship is great. (Although she has relaxed in terms of her body image. She is surprised and delighted that she doesn’t have to LOSE weight to be attractive to me). She’s maybe 170 now and about 5‘6“. Anyway, while my „dream weight“ for her would be 300, it’s not up to me. So I am (sadly and painfully) in the process of dropping it. Anyway, I share that to say that she is the owner of her body. That’s simply my basic operating principle. I was all torn up about whether I should even mention it to her. Most friends and common sense said „don’t!“ She is glad I have. And it’s been good for both of us to discuss this and has been good for her (and her friends, whom she doesn’t hesitate to smilingly tell I’m an FA and have asked her to gain) to know that there are guys out there who prefer bigger women.[/QUOTE]


    He would point blank, matter-of-fact tell me that I am overweight. He is/was a person who lacked empathy and compassion. I can handle the truth but the way he said it like that made me feel judged and unloved.

    I even suggested once that we could get one of those sex wedges to maybe tilt me back so my belly was out of the way. This way, I could get the position I wanted and my belly would not bother him or bother him as much. He immediately shut down and would refuse to even discuss it and any attempt on my part to try to convince him to do so just resulted in me being screamed at, so I dropped it out of fear. He made pretty good money, so it would have been no big deal for him to buy one and then just trash it if it didn't work.
     
  18. Sep 15, 2019 #18

    sarahe543

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    By the way you can do 69 lying side by side. :D
    My partner is way bigger than me and I manage having him on top. Being crushed is all part of the fun! You sound like you had a lucky escape.
     
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  19. Sep 26, 2019 #19

    op user

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    When you date a larger partner actually you are looking forward to those moments where weight makes a difference like when the thinner partner has the heaviest on top.
     
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