Just a couple of little stories. I was telling a friend and knew you guys would appreciate it...
Id volunteered for a research study for people with Fibromyalgia a few weeks ago, we had to walk on a treadmill for half an hour at different speeds and they measured how much effort and how difficult it is. Before getting started, they had to mark down my height and weight. I had my chunky runners on, which brought me to 55, but Im at least an inch shorter than that. I weighed in at 156.5. I also found that it was the first time Id done any real walking at a good click in some time. (Fibro's a bitch.) My shorts rode up between my legs which Im NOT used to, and I didnt want to pull them down during the study! I knew my thighs touched at the top now, but walking so briskly they rubbed quite a bit and I found myself trying to compensate by walking with my legs a little farther apart or taking slightly shorter strides. Next time, biker shorts for more swoosh and less stick. That was a new one for me! LOL!
And... There is a party once a year on Canada Day that we go to at a friends house farther north. She has this big table by the railing and I used to be able to just skim by it on the way outside. I remember bumping it a little bit last year by accident perhaps, not paying attention, but this year OW! I do NOT fit in that little space anymore! Ive got a lovely, big bruise on my hip from catching myself on the corner of this big wooden table. (Our house is open concept with wide open spaces and little furniture, so I didnt realize that Ive been taking up a little more space.) LOL! As funny as I found it, and even though I was a little turned on, that HURT!
So... Ive been thinking Ive NEVER been too big for anything. Ive always been too small for everything. (Small frame and previously 120 or less.) The concept of me being too big, or too fat for anything is so wild!! Im too big to skim past that table. How you react to your immediate environment and feeling that change, just wow. I used to have nightmares about being picked up and thrown aside. (Which has actually happened to me.) This is just empowering. I cant be easily picked up, it takes some effort now, and hubby plays that up, too. LOL! I feel solid, but not more solid than a wooden table. LOL! Ive recently had daydreams about trying to fit into various places and being told Im too big, or too fat, or the more polite versions of that idea. Its wonderful! Ive always loved the idea of a tight squeeze (nods to TS Monkey), but could that be ME? In some rare cases now, yes! :happy:
I'm not actively gaining, just not starving myself anymore and been having fun for almost two years. My body is doing what it's naturally meant to do, and truth be told, I'm starting to think I look pretty now - I never really did before. I've always admired larger women but never let myself gain an ounce.
There are two moments from my childhood that make me sad.
1. Grade one, a friend and I are showing each other's little bellies to see whose was bigger. An innocent, fun game for 5-6 year olds. Teacher with a flat tummy and possibly abs of steel came over, pinched an inch of skin she pulled out and said she was fatter than both of us and got upset.
2. The moment that I realized there were large women who didn't want to be that way, and that it made them sad. I was very confused, and very upset. Why wouldn't they want to be beautiful and give the best hugs in the world?
What a twisted world I was discovering.
It's just all come back to mind recently. The moments when I realized what the world wanted me to be, and that I'd have to do anything I can to please everyone. Getting caught in Katrina made me realize what's important in life, and that ain't it. Mom doesn't like it, but hell, I can't win with her anyway. I don't go to church, I don't call every day, and I don't like shopping. LOL!
I've never been happier, never felt sexier, and little things like a big BUMP thoroughly amuse me.
*Happy dance*
Id volunteered for a research study for people with Fibromyalgia a few weeks ago, we had to walk on a treadmill for half an hour at different speeds and they measured how much effort and how difficult it is. Before getting started, they had to mark down my height and weight. I had my chunky runners on, which brought me to 55, but Im at least an inch shorter than that. I weighed in at 156.5. I also found that it was the first time Id done any real walking at a good click in some time. (Fibro's a bitch.) My shorts rode up between my legs which Im NOT used to, and I didnt want to pull them down during the study! I knew my thighs touched at the top now, but walking so briskly they rubbed quite a bit and I found myself trying to compensate by walking with my legs a little farther apart or taking slightly shorter strides. Next time, biker shorts for more swoosh and less stick. That was a new one for me! LOL!
And... There is a party once a year on Canada Day that we go to at a friends house farther north. She has this big table by the railing and I used to be able to just skim by it on the way outside. I remember bumping it a little bit last year by accident perhaps, not paying attention, but this year OW! I do NOT fit in that little space anymore! Ive got a lovely, big bruise on my hip from catching myself on the corner of this big wooden table. (Our house is open concept with wide open spaces and little furniture, so I didnt realize that Ive been taking up a little more space.) LOL! As funny as I found it, and even though I was a little turned on, that HURT!
So... Ive been thinking Ive NEVER been too big for anything. Ive always been too small for everything. (Small frame and previously 120 or less.) The concept of me being too big, or too fat for anything is so wild!! Im too big to skim past that table. How you react to your immediate environment and feeling that change, just wow. I used to have nightmares about being picked up and thrown aside. (Which has actually happened to me.) This is just empowering. I cant be easily picked up, it takes some effort now, and hubby plays that up, too. LOL! I feel solid, but not more solid than a wooden table. LOL! Ive recently had daydreams about trying to fit into various places and being told Im too big, or too fat, or the more polite versions of that idea. Its wonderful! Ive always loved the idea of a tight squeeze (nods to TS Monkey), but could that be ME? In some rare cases now, yes! :happy:
I'm not actively gaining, just not starving myself anymore and been having fun for almost two years. My body is doing what it's naturally meant to do, and truth be told, I'm starting to think I look pretty now - I never really did before. I've always admired larger women but never let myself gain an ounce.
There are two moments from my childhood that make me sad.
1. Grade one, a friend and I are showing each other's little bellies to see whose was bigger. An innocent, fun game for 5-6 year olds. Teacher with a flat tummy and possibly abs of steel came over, pinched an inch of skin she pulled out and said she was fatter than both of us and got upset.
2. The moment that I realized there were large women who didn't want to be that way, and that it made them sad. I was very confused, and very upset.
Why wouldn't they want to be beautiful and give the best hugs in the world? What a twisted world I was discovering.
It's just all come back to mind recently. The moments when I realized what the world wanted me to be, and that I'd have to do anything I can to please everyone. Getting caught in Katrina made me realize what's important in life, and that ain't it. Mom doesn't like it, but hell, I can't win with her anyway. I don't go to church, I don't call every day, and I don't like shopping. LOL!
I've never been happier, never felt sexier, and little things like a big BUMP thoroughly amuse me.
*Happy dance*
